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Why women need security to love


markfromark

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Well, to be honest I have not figured out why women need security to love but I have discovered that this might not just be a woman's topic.

 

I was trying to put a finger on why I am attracted to a certain [female] friend of mine and I finally figured it out: She has her life together. She works, has built her own house, does charity work, organizes volunteer trips to south America etc.

 

I have always found myself in a very traditional [for men] provider/protector role and now I realize that I am tired to working and thinking for two. I think it would be very refreshing to have a life partner who does not rely on my support [most of the time]. I don't mind giving emotional support etc. but I am tired of driving women around, paying for their dinners, inviting them to live with me (on my dime), paying for vacations, providing friends, parties etc.

 

I hear quite often from women who want to be with a man to just solve most of their life issues and maybe for some reason I give out that vibe that attracts women who are used to rely on men for conducting their lives.

 

What do you think? Are you a man who is attracted by the security offered from a woman?

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I don't equate "security" with someone providing for me at all. The security is in knowing who the person is, what their values are as reflected by their life choices and that they're stable of their own accord, reliable and someone you can predictably count on...that provides a sense of security because the person doesn't change with the direction of the wind.

I have a great job, make great money, own my own place and have lived in the same area and had the same career for about 15 years ...I am who I am and what you see is what you get. I would imagine a partner would find a relationship with me "secure" because they would know what to expect based on my personal history and can easily sense what I value and how I operate...not because I'm footing their bill or providing for them...because I am reliable, stable, can take care of myself and a whole host of other qualities that I bring to the table.

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I'm not a man. What you are talking about though, I consider the attraction to equality in a relationship. That doesn't mean everything in every sense is split down the middle, and everybody has to be exactly the same. But basic equality; two individuals who both have their act together and provide security of their own. Very, very attractive quality.

 

For a long time, I was hyper attracted to men who were extra strong on the emotional security front. And that was in part because I wasn't able to provide that for myself (a stable, consistent and reliable emotional climate).

 

I am still attracted to that in a man; there is a difference now though that I'm not looking for someone to provide it for me. It must be fairly common for people to seek out in a partner what they lack. Common; but that doesn't make it healthy or a good thing to bring to a relationship!

 

It put a smile on my face reading your post. Maybe you have grown as a person in some way that you no longer are finding yourself so attracted to women who were seeking someone to take care of practical life solutions for them.

 

I think it's going to be a really good thing for you moving forward. Your chance to find a partnership that is really on an equal footing.

 

Love Savs post: security being about reliability and knowing what you are getting. Boils down to trust. This goes for our relationships with ourselves too.

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I have been divorced for16 years and have raised 2 children alone

so I am very independent. I have a good job, pay my own bills, never relied on anyone for help. I have dated a few guys but they turned out to not be what they portrayed themselves as.

 

I have been told by a few different men that my independence scares them & that I should be more " needy ". This is something I cannot do.

 

I offer love, honesty, respect, loyalty and a one man woman but this might not be enough.

 

Your attitude is very refreshing, and your friend sounds like an amazing woman! Good luck

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I always found that when I have my life together, I scare guys off.

When I'm a hot mess the guys are LINED up.

It could be coincidence, but even if I take a quick look around at the people in my life, the strong, independent females tend to be single or with MUCH younger men who really don'thave much (from a materialistic perspective) to offer.

If you've changed your wants, that's fine... There are plenty of women out there who are interested in the relationship dynamic you offer.

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I always found that when I have my life together, I scare guys off.

When I'm a hot mess the guys are LINED up.

It could be coincidence, but even if I take a quick look around at the people in my life, the strong, independent females tend to be single or with MUCH younger men who really don'thave much (from a materialistic perspective) to offer.

If you've changed your wants, that's fine... There are plenty of women out there who are interested in the relationship dynamic you offer.

 

Some guys knowingly and unknowingly are attracted to and pray on women who have those issues because it's easier. Real men who are secure will want similar women. It will be more worth it because it works logically.

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I don't mind giving emotional support etc. but I am tired of driving women around, paying for their dinners, inviting them to live with me (on my dime), paying for vacations, providing friends, parties etc.

 

I'm a woman and I have to say I would find this exhausting. You're talking about something I've come to think of as the Cinderella Syndrome. I have no idea if social scientists or whatever call it that, just that yes I have seen too many women in my life and around me who have had and continue to have the attitude that some man is going to save them and give them a happy comfortable life. And that's a really emotionally unhealthy and dangerous attitude in my books. Relationships should be partnerships however it's sliced and diced where both parties enhance the other one's life. Not a "you must take care of me" attitude.

 

Edit: I have seen men have the Prince Charming Syndrome too though, they want to sweep in and save a woman and then be strong and make sure she stays at home and doesn't lift a finger. Or that she is to be there cooking and cleaning and waiting on her man hand and foot while he goes off each day to a job.

 

Again, not a really emotionally healthy choice. So it isn't necessarily just one gender. But after awhile most people start to realize neither role really fits most of us. Be partners, stand together against the world, have each others backs, each bring something to the table the other needs and wants, agree on the big things, you'll be okay.

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Saviour syndrome? That somebody needs saving and you are that person? In the case described above, it sounds like an even unhealthier version. That you're not after damaged people, but rather want to be a person's source for everything in life. It's the syndrome mixed in with a slight narcissistic complex.

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Are there women who expect men to pay for everything, do all the thinking, and just let them float through life? Yes, of course. Just as there are men who could care less about my opinion as long as I look good. Let them have each other.

 

Really, I just want whose company I enjoy, whose character I respect, and whose approach to life inspires me - and who thinks of me in a similar way.

 

Please do not pay my mortgage, tell me how to solve a problem unless I ask, or check in just to see if I am ok. Yes, I am okay. I make it my business to be okay, don't you? I just find that question offensive.

 

Will I still look for a man to want to provide, profess and protect? Open my car door, pull my chair? Yes, its sexy! That doesn't mean he is actually providing for ALL of my needs in a literal sense, but rather, in the way he is able and knows best.

 

If you don't like what you are attracting, its time to reevaluate the bait.

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People who have a deficiency will have an easier time bonding with someone who offers them something they don't have...

 

If they have everything, though, then where is their incentive to be with another person?

 

Simply because you want to. Want to enjoy that person as they are.

 

Seems perfect to me.

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I like both, but women with issues will chase me to the end of time. I guess its become i tend to turn conversations into deep-talks, and i come off very sensitive in my responses. They end up chattering away and it turns into a 5 hour call, even with people who hate calling. I do this with male friends too, its just how i am.

 

Saviour syndrome?

 

Interesting... i am going to have to look this up.

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