After xmas text came 'i'm sorry'-email

[Lucha]

And I think when you are in a relationship with somebody, you should be there for the other one when some nasty things happen. For example when he or she gets sick, when they lose a family member, when they lose their job, ... If you do not want to be there for your partner then don't have a relationship. I mean, relationships are about more than just wanting to be there when it's fun, right??

 

Unfortunately, a lot of people lack these values. A good friend of mine was cheated on by her GF while she was in the hospital. Sad story.

 

But Ms Darcy, you are right about me having to take care of myself and not depending completely on other people. I had good friendships but started to neglect them when I was with the ex, because me having other contacts or not going with her to her friends made her feel insecure at the time. I will certainly not make this mistake again. Thanks for your reply!

[mhowe]

I think that because of your suicidal thoughts and your verbalization of them...that your gf did the "weaning away" process for herself as well as you.

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. And when it breaks down...both share fault. Whether it is poor communication... or whatever. It is not all your fault. Neither is she the 100% villain of this tale. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you will heal.

[Lucha]

I think that because of your suicidal thoughts and your verbalization of them...that your gf did the "weaning away" process for herself as well as you.

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. And when it breaks down...both share fault. Whether it is poor communication... or whatever. It is not all your fault. Neither is she the 100% villain of this tale. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you will heal.

 

I can see that, I too have a shared responsibility in this BU.

 

She was weaning away months before I got suicidal though. Me getting suicidal she just pronounced it: I will distance myself from you. I can she from her point of view why she did it, bit as for me I had been driving back and forth to her (she lives an hour away) just to give her my time and affection, and she was already withdrawing at that point (quotes like 'i cannot promise this ll work out' and 'dont wanna give you any false hope'.) i asked her if she wanted to split but then she said she didnt know. So i kept trying my best to work through things. I guess I kind of expected her to do her best too when I was getting depressed (by circumstantial events)..

[mhowe]

Expectations of other peoples response to ones own problems probably kills more relationships than anything else. You drove...your choice. You kept giving with the expectation that the more you did, the more she SHOULD appreciate it.

 

"Should" is a word that has no place in a relationship. Give freely without strings. Without trying to guilt or shame the other person. Because otherwise your love.is not a gift...it becomes a burden and too heavy for them to carry.

[Lucha]

Expectations of other peoples response to ones own problems probably kills more relationships than anything else. You drove...your choice. You kept giving with the expectation that the more you did, the more she SHOULD appreciate it.

 

"Should" is a word that has no place in a relationship. Give freely without strings. Without trying to guilt or shame the other person. Because otherwise your love.is not a gift...it becomes a burden and too heavy for them to carry.

 

I'm gonna let your words sink in for a while, mho we.

 

However, I'm I wrong in my assumption that if you do not want to be in that relationship, you should be honest with the other person and just break up instead of saying stuff like 'i don't know if i still want to be with you'..

[mhowe]

For future reference:

If you ask someone if they want to be with you/break up and the answer is "I don't know" consider it to translate to NO. The only answer to "do you want to be together is yes"

 

Indecsion is NO.

NO is NO

Yes is Yes...but if you have to ask...there are problems to be addressed.

[Ms Darcy]

But you see, while you explain my BU as being a consequence of my insecurities, I explain my insecurities and lack of self-worth partly based on my past and partly based on her gradually fading away and putting herself on dating site and wanting to be with her friends more than with me.

 

You may be right that I need to adress my issues and start working on them (that's why I started therapy) but I don't think this caused our breakup. Or at least, I do not want to believe that, bc then the BU would me entirely my own fault... Do i make sense?

 

Thank you for sharing more about yourself. I am concerned again that you don't seem to own your insecurities. You explain them as due to past relationships and this current relationship. It shows a) that relationships are way too front and center and b) you need to start owning your insecurities. Insecurities come from you. People don't give them to you like a gift. They are based on your interpretation of circumstances and situations. That's why you don't go to therapy with your exes. The work is all inside of you.

 

And I think when you are in a relationship with somebody, you should be there for the other one when some nasty things happen. For example when he or she gets sick, when they lose a family member, when they lose their job, ... If you do not want to be there for your partner then don't have a relationship. I mean, relationships are about more than just wanting to be there when it's fun, right??

 

Unfortunately, a lot of people lack these values. A good friend of mine was cheated on by her GF while she was in the hospital. Sad story.

 

I agree people should be more loving to each other. I think relationships are good tests of who is good for you long term.

[Lonewing]

I'm gonna let your words sink in for a while, mho we.

 

However, I'm I wrong in my assumption that if you do not want to be in that relationship, you should be honest with the other person and just break up instead of saying stuff like 'i don't know if i still want to be with you'..

 

Until it comes time where you are actually in that situation, I'm not sure if you would really understand how difficult this position is.

[sharky988]

However, I'm I wrong in my assumption that if you do not want to be in that relationship, you should be honest with the other person and just break up instead of saying stuff like 'i don't know if i still want to be with you'..

 

Yes, in a perfect world, a person would realize they don't want to be in a relationship anymore and would express that to their partner.

 

Sadly, what usually happens is that a dumper withdraws gradually over time, using their partner as an emotional crutch while they quietly move on. It's just an ugly tendency that human beings happen to share. Fear of change, fear of being alone, uncertainty over their decision, mixed feelings, hoping their feelings will change if they continue to pretend everything's still fine.... it's all in the mix.

 

She didn't DELIBERATELY try to hurt you -- but she was clearly acting in her own best interests and not taking your feelings into account when she was putting herself on a dating site while pretending to be involved with you -- probably rationalizing it to herself the whole time, probably not even fully aware of how sleazy she was being as she justified it to herself.

 

Personally, I can still remember the feeling of being freshly dumped under similar circumstances and imo anyway you shouldn't feel obligated to forgive her -- there's no rush. Right now it's about YOU and YOUR healing -- so whatever feels best and most healthy for you, go ahead and do it.

 

Ignoring her? Forgiving her? Telling her off? Your call.

 

But I agree with you -- I wouldn't write her an email saying you forgive her if you don't really forgive her.

[Lucha]

Today I felt like texting this:

 

"I appreciate your apologies. However, I do think it's for the best to not keep in touch. Good holidays to you too."

 

But I'll just wait and sleep over it another night, considering how emotionally unstable I am these days...

[hopesup]

Today I felt like texting this:

 

"I appreciate your apologies. However, I do think it's for the best to not keep in touch. Good holidays to you too."

 

But I'll just wait and sleep over it another night, considering how emotionally unstable I am these days...

 

Lucha,

 

Have you considered simply to not text your ex back at all? I mean, try not to think what to text at all?

 

I think that is better for your healing process.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Do you think I should either forgive her or don't reply anything at all?

I don't think that you should reply to her at all. And you should block her from your phone/Facebook/Skype/whatever so she can't keep coming around like this. She did a bad thing and she doesn't get to contact you whenever she wants, she's lost that privilege. As someone else said, she wants your forgiveness more so that she can feel better about herself than that she genuinely feels bad about what she did.

 

I don't feel very comfortable with replying to her mail with 'I forgive you' bc I really don't. It is not a matter of not wanting to move on, it is more like me wanting her to feel the consequences of her actions. If I were to reply with 'Thanks for your words' and 'no hard feelings', it is like saying it is okay what she did to me. And it really isn't. So I guess I'll just wait a little longer and not reply until I can let go of the spiteful feeling and desire to rant.

You know what? You should forgive her. But not for her, for yourself. You can sit at a table in your place, write it all out and then burn that letter, she need never know that you've forgiven her. You need to do it for yourself because the longer you hold onto these feelings of anger, vengeance, wanting the myth of "closure", the longer you're going to remain stuck in this place, unable to move on. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. She hurt you and that sucks. The only thing that you're required to do now is take some time to yourself to heal and then take whatever lessons you've learned from this forward, and leave the bad stuff behind.

[Lonewing]

You should forgive her. But not for her, for yourself.

 

That's really the whole point of it. By forgiving her and then closing her out in a respectable manner, you leave no reason for her to trespass back on your life, and you remove any desire you may have of seeing her crash and burn in her life - it removes the energy from the situation and leaves nothing left.

 

To be honest, when you come to that point where you can forgive her, you will be at that place within yourself where you will finally be able to move on and forget about her altogether.

[silversoul]

She is not ready to forgive her. She will when the time comes. Even then it is ok still not to reply. I do not recommend you sending anything cause chances are you may feelt hurt and resentful again which is natural, and you will regret sending that apologies accepted thing. So I agree that Lucha should forgive her for her well-being and healing but not send anything

[Ms Darcy]

Definitely give yourself a couple of days before considering sending a text response.

[sharky988]

Definitely give yourself a couple of days before considering sending a text response.

 

I agree. I would sit on this text for a good 3 more days, minimum.

 

You are NOT obligated to reply. You are NOT obligated to forgive her -- now or ever!

 

This is a recent breakup and you have every right to process your recovery at your own pace -- and to go through all the stages including denial, anger, bargaining, depression -- BEFORE arriving at the acceptance stage, at which point genuine forgiveness is possible.

 

I wouldn't be replying to your ex at this point. I personally think it will be counterproductive to your healing as it just opens the door for more dialogue.

 

You have the rest of your life to let your ex know you've forgiven her and moved on or extend an olive branch of friendship.... there's no hurry. Your ex has no right to expect your forgiveness so soon after a breakup. It's ridiculous.

[Lucha]

I agree. I would sit on this text for a good 3 more days, minimum.

 

You are NOT obligated to reply. You are NOT obligated to forgive her -- now or ever!

 

This is a recent breakup and you have every right to process your recovery at your own pace -- and to go through all the stages including denial, anger, bargaining, depression -- BEFORE arriving at the acceptance stage, at which point genuine forgiveness is possible.

 

I wouldn't be replying to your ex at this point. I personally think it will be counterproductive to your healing as it just opens the door for more dialogue.

 

You have the rest of your life to let your ex know you've forgiven her and moved on or extend an olive branch of friendship.... there's no hurry. Your ex has no right to expect your forgiveness so soon after a breakup. It's ridiculous.

 

Upto now I didn't reply, because I am so confused.. Friday I wanted to sent her a rant, decided to sleep on it, saturday I felt more like forgiving her, sunday a sense of anger got a hold of me (again) and today I am just feeling very restless. Like there is being pulled at me with an invisible string. I sit and wonder why does she keep insisting on keeping communication lines open... I replied to a few of her texts a couple of weeks ago, but it were very short replies like 'i'm fine.' Nothing like asking her how she is etc (simply bc I DONT want to know). I just replied and she left it at that. She sent those 'how are ya' texts with a week in between. So she didn't bother much to have communication in those weeks. And now, bc I did not reply to her merry Christmas text, she seems adamant to somehow restore communication lines between us.

 

I guess it's probably guilt, like some of you said. But why start feeling guilty after a month and not immediately after dumping me?

[Lucha]

I'm really putting too much thought in this. I feel it is setting me back but it is like someone's/something's pulling at me.

[sharky988]

I'm really putting too much thought in this. I feel it is setting me back but it is like someone's/something's pulling at me.

 

The conflict you're feeling is that you really want her back *but* all she's sending you is meaningless breadcrumbs and garbage designed to make herself feel better.

 

I can only say this so many times and I understand if you feel it's too hard to do.... but the BEST thing for you to do in this instance is change your cell number and your email address and block her on all internet sites you use so she CAN'T send you this junk anymore!

 

If she ever has anything REALLY important to say, she'll find a way to say it, no matter how many blocks you put up.

 

Stop making it so easy for her to toy with your emotions!!! Walk away. Right now you're upset because she's sending you these messages.... but YOU LEFT THE DOOR OPEN, my friend.

[Lucha]

So a lot of you are gone be like *sigh*, but I replied. It was eating me and I thought if I replied I could more easily let it go. Which I don't, and now I feel stupid for not listening to all your good advice. I replied to her email with this (she sad she was saddened by how I didn't talk with her anymore): "You ended the relationship. About your timing.. very sad joining of circumstances. Despite that I respect your decision, the relationship has ended, therefore I am not talking with you."

 

Don't be mad at me or Judge... I lost control a litte here.. But in my head I am far more angry than I let shine through in this text.. I guess this is a setback, but it was not caused by me replying it's more a consequence of her contacting me in general. I will seriously consider changing my cell Phone number and blocking her on email too. All else social media: blocked already.

 

Thanks for reading guys and for your good intended advice..

[varkolak]

Hey Lucha, all is said and done bro, nothing you can do at this point.

 

I think your response is VERY emotion filled. Which is understandable. Just relax and start working on letting her go. Stay NC and just live your life bro. If she comes back around, she will, and nothing you do will make that happen any faster or any slower.

 

Treat yourself kindly my friend, YOU are all you have.

[sharky988]

I can't throw any stones because when my ex sent me his long self-serving apology email last year over the holidays, I could only sit on it for 7 days before I finally broke down and replied!

 

It's SUPER HARD to resist, especially when the breakup is so recent and you're feeling hurt and angry and betrayed.... and they have the nerve to ask you to forgive them and be friends so THEY can feel better!

 

That said, I think your reply was fine -- leave it now as the last word between you. The ONLY message you ever acknowledge from now on should be: "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together". Everything else is just breadcrumbs.

 

Stay strong -- keep her blocked online and for your sanity's sake I highly recommend changing your cell number.

[Lucha]

I wish I would have just left it at that, but yesterday and today I am in a hyperemotional state it seems.. I sent a text saying I replied to the mail and wanted to add that I too find it a shame that such a good relationship has been broken but that it is her choice and that I dont wanne be friends or stay in contact. She then emailed me saying it was the hardest decision of her life, sorry for all the pain she has caused, still hoped that we would someday talk again and ended with wishing me the very best. I got irritated by her insisting on one day having contact again so i replied through mail and text that she should not hope for that bc I cannot give het that. And that it is pretty ironic her wishing me all my heart desires bc I had it all, but she took it away from me.

 

So this was a giant slip. Control just slipped right through my fingers and ran off. I feel bad for sending this sh*t but I feel relieved that I said it too and that I dont need to act like everything's fine and all her sins be forgiven. I just feel bad, felt bad yesterday and woke up feeling bad today. It surely doesnt help all my friends moving in with their partners, buying a house, getting engaged, married, even pregnant! I feel like such a loser for having to start all over again and losing what I thought was the love of my life

[sharky988]

I can SO understand and relate to how infuriating it is to hear -- fresh from a breakup -- how hard it is FOR THEM and that they wish you the best and hope someday you can forgive and be friends and BLAH BLAH BLAH!

 

I mean, if it's really SO HARD to break up, then why do it??

 

They're just asking for a way to SEEM like a good person.... "I will respect your wishes not to contact despite how hard it is for me".... wow, give this girl a Humanitarian of the Year award! What a monument to decency. If only I were gay so I could date her next!!

 

Yeah, I get it.... what a crock she gave you and NO WONDER you wanted to get a few more digs in. She shouldn't be allowed to walk away feeling good about herself or the way she handled things...... but sadly, it's human nature to find a way to avoid ever seeing yourself as "the bad guy."

 

There's just no point in continuing to contact her. It won't make you feel BETTER -- after the momentary rush of contact dies down, it leaves you feeling worse. You won't change her mind about the breakup. You won't make her see herself in a different light. All you'll do is give her more ammunition to justify her decision to end things.

 

The next time you want to contact her, post here instead.

 

I get that you're at the rock bottom right now.... most of us here have been there, too. Remember it DOES get better in time, as long as you don't contact her again.

 

(And no -- you're not a loser. And SHE wasn't even CLOSE to being the love of your life!)

[Lucha]

 

They're just asking for a way to SEEM like a good person.... "I will respect your wishes not to contact despite how hard it is for me".... wow, give this girl a Humanitarian of the Year award! What a monument to decency. If only I were gay so I could date her next!!

 

You have just made me smile And that has been a while! Indeed it's like they're pouring oil on a fire by saying these things like 'it was the hardest decision of my life' and 'i sincerely wish you the very best and everything your heart desires' and 'you deserve to be happy'; 'I hope one day we can be friends'. ALL CR*P basically because by their actions they're really saying: 'I find you not interesting enough to invest my time and energy in a relationship with you'. I'm so pissed. The strongest thing to do was to just walk away but by her saying these things (which she means well, i'm sure), it feels like being dumped ALL OVER AGAIN. And where you had this tiny remnant of hope now she's taking that away also because after one month of NC, she still just wants to be friends. I feel like total sh*t.