After xmas text came 'i'm sorry'-email

[Lucha]

Hi everyone. I started a thread yesterday to get your opinion over whether or not to reply to this plain xmas text she sent. I eventually did not reply and left it at that.

 

Yesterday evening, pretty late, I received an email from her, saying she never wanted to hurt me, was only trying to do the best thing but sees now that it wasnt the best thing (to string me along and then dump me when i'm in deep at rock bottom). She asks me to forgive her and says it would be such a shame if we never talked again and hopes to hear from me soon.

 

I guess I got my apologies now. Do I have to forgive her now? Although I'm not quite there yet in my healing process.. I dont think it is possible for me to just be friends. I think that would set me back tremendously. Any thoughts?

[Misaki27]

You are not obliged to respond. If you feel like being friends with her is just too tough, spare yourself the pain and ignore the email.

 

Maybe she's feeling lonely or guilty, but you shouldn't let it affect you. Forgiveness is not something that happens in a second, after reading an apology. You need time and she needs to understand that.

In my opinion, you could either ignore her completely or you could reply, asking her to give you time and telling her that you feel like talking to her right now is just too hard to do. Ask her to cut contact for a while and you'll get back to her when you're ready.

 

Like you said, being friends will set you back. Don't do it. At least for now.

[mhowe]

You got your apologies --- and do you HAVE to forgive her?

 

Um, no --- but it appears a heartfelt apology. What else do you need to heal?

 

You do not have to be friends....but you can now let go of the pain. And move forward.

 

I would text back a "thank you. I appreciate your words. However, I am not ready for a friendship".

[Liraele]

You don't have to do anything at all. If you feel like responding... do so. If you don't, don't.

[No1]

I like what Howe said, if you dont want to be friends then dont. You have the choice. I dont think you are the type to never be a friend of hers again, but its going to take some time to do this. You ever finish your homework?

[Lucha]

I'm thinking about replying her mail with this text:

 

"You chose to end the relationship, I respect that. But I cannot respect the timing and the way things went. Gradually withdrawing your love and making me feel it but never pronouncing it, stringing me along for months. 'You didn't know' whether or not to continue with me. And when I needed you most, you suddenly did know. I heard you didn't dare breaking up with me bc i was suicidal for the last few weeks, but to me that is just an empty excuse bc if you truly had this fear, you wouln't have left me when the risk for suicidal actions was highest. I think you should learn that making choices implies consequences, one of them being I'm not in your life anymore."

 

I'm not sure whether I'll send it though. Just writing off how I feel.

[No1]

dont send it, hold on to it for now.

[Lucha]

dont send it, hold on to it for now.

 

Do you think I should either forgive her or don't reply anything at all?

[mhowe]

You wanted an apology...you got one.

Now you want to rant at her. I think you just want to prolong this. If you send that email, you are basically telling her to shove her apology. If that is what you want, do it.

 

The high road would be what I originally posted.

[Lucha]

You wanted an apology...you got one.

Now you want to rant at her. I think you just want to prolong this. If you send that email, you are basically telling her to shove her apology. If that is what you want, do it.

 

The high road would be what I originally posted.

 

You're right, thanks for making me realize it. Otherwise it would have already been sent but I trust you guys and your opinion about this as I know I cannot (yet) think objectively about this..

[Johnny Utah]

Yes. Take 24 hours. If you still want to send it, just understand the consequences of what mhowe said.

 

There's hardly a right or wrong, but you do want to consider overall how you feel and not just right at that moment.

[abitbroken]

Its just guilt. She doesn't want to be with you. But doesn't want to feel like a horrible person for not talking to you. I would continue to ignore her. The only thing I would respond to would be "i made a terrible mistake. i realize you are the love of my life and want you back." Anything else is not worth responding to, and even then - I might not if she hurt you so bad.

[Lucha]

Its just guilt. She doesn't want to be with you. But doesn't want to feel like a horrible person for not talking to you. I would continue to ignore her. The only thing I would respond to would be "i made a terrible mistake. i realize you are the love of my life and want you back." Anything else is not worth responding to, and even then - I might not if she hurt you so bad.

 

The thing is, she really hurt me by stringing me along but she always said she didnt intend to. She 'just didn't know if she wanted to be with me' and therefore did not break up with me not even when I asked her if that was what she wanted. I couldn't break up with her bc I loved her too deeply and wanted to make things work. But she didn't, she did nothing to make it work or work through our issues instead she just waited and weaned herself off me, gradually withdrawing her love but at the same time not wanting to break up. Then I got depressed, and all of a sudden she knew and told me she wanted to break up. I guess bc it wasn't 'fun' anymore, she had to be a good gf and be there for me in hard times, which she couldnt. She would do anything for her friends though. It hurt me not being a priority. I dont think she ever cheated but she was on a dating site during these last months of the relationship, which I found out. That hurt a lot too. Also the fact that she added good looking lesbian women she didnt even know on facebook, 'just to make new friends'. I think it is not very respectful to do that when you're with somebody.. She didnt care what I thought however. So yeah guess she didnt cheat so she is not really a bad person but she certainly created the possibilty to cheat or to dump me as soon as the grass presented greener on the other side.

 

Am I being unreasonable for not talking to her anymore bc of these reasons?

[sharky988]

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

 

You don't owe her friendship, or forgiveness -- or really ANYTHING. You can choose to take the high road and respond in a polite way, or you can choose just to ignore her email, or you can send her a rant.... it's your call. I would vote for sending nothing and trying just to put it all behind you.

 

But I can understand the impulse to want to tell her off for the way she treated you. Whether or not she was having sex with other people, she was putting herself out there while you were still together and looking around to see what else was out there..... I can empathize with how that feels.

 

All I can say is, based on my own experiences, it's usually better to say and do NOTHING if you possibly can.

 

I've received a long rambling holiday season apology email and I was able to resist replying for an entire week.... looking back, I wish I had just ignored it. Often it really is just guilt, they're just looking for forgiveness so they can move on without feeling so bad about how they ended things.

[Lonewing]

It's really really easy to say "Thank you, you're forgiven; good luck with your life."

 

It will help her move on, it will help you move on, and it will leave nothing hanging between the two of you.

[mhowe]

I would assume it would be nice to be able to go to GLT function and should you both be in attendance, the air is cleared. No one says you have to be friends....

[Lucha]

I don't feel very comfortable with replying to her mail with 'I forgive you' bc I really don't. It is not a matter of not wanting to move on, it is more like me wanting her to feel the consequences of her actions. If I were to reply with 'Thanks for your words' and 'no hard feelings', it is like saying it is okay what she did to me. And it really isn't. So I guess I'll just wait a little longer and not reply until I can let go of the spiteful feeling and desire to rant.

[Lonewing]

Letting go of your ager and releasing your sense of vengeance will in truth help you more in healing then it will if you hold this against her. If anything, holding this will hinder both of you in ways that are unhealthy and unnecessary.

 

Learning to forgive her is difficult, but in doing so, you release her hold on you. She's losing your friendship, that's punishment enough.

[scaryhobo]

There's some good advice here. The only thing I want to add is that you write all the things you're thinking of saying in a note or an email to yourself, but don't send anything yet. I made a rule to wait at least two weeks to send anything I thought about saying to my ex. 90% of it was never sent at all, and the things I did finally say to her came after careful thought and plenty of time to explore my emotions and motivations. You'll find most of what you feel like you HAVE to say to her looks awful and/or pathetic when you look at it again a couple weeks on.

[Ms Darcy]

You have every right to your feelings of rejection and anger.

 

At the same time ... gasp ... I do not think what she did was designed to hurt you. I just do not think you can accept that she has been wishy washy about you for a long time and that the relationship was actually a very short one that never fully developed.

 

From your posts it sounds like you may be trying to put all of the blame of your issues on her. If you are feeling suicidal and later you cannot think of anything wonderful about yourself then the core issue is not really with her. It is with you.

 

I do not want to hurt you but how can anyone really love you if you don't love yourself?

[Lucha]

You have every right to your feelings of rejection and anger.

 

At the same time ... gasp ... I do not think what she did was designed to hurt you. I just do not think you can accept that she has been wishy washy about you for a long time and that the relationship was actually a very short one that never fully developed.

 

From your posts it sounds like you may be trying to put all of the blame of your issues on her. If you are feeling suicidal and later you cannot think of anything wonderful about yourself then the core issue is not really with her. It is with you.

 

I do not want to hurt you but how can anyone really love you if you don't love yourself?

 

Point well noted. So actually you're saying the issues I have are the reason she broke up with me? You know I had these issues before her and she fell for me despite them,. I dont blame her for my suicidal thoughts back then I just really dissapointed that she wasnt there for me. Nobody was really. I had to struggle through them all by myself.

[Lucha]

There's some good advice here. The only thing I want to add is that you write all the things you're thinking of saying in a note or an email to yourself, but don't send anything yet. I made a rule to wait at least two weeks to send anything I thought about saying to my ex. 90% of it was never sent at all, and the things I did finally say to her came after careful thought and plenty of time to explore my emotions and motivations. You'll find most of what you feel like you HAVE to say to her looks awful and/or pathetic when you look at it again a couple weeks on.

 

Indeed all good advice! Thank you everybody.

 

Today I feel different, read the text I was planning to send yesterday and do not feel like sending it. Today I'm more in a forgive and forget -mood, but I know tomorrow will be different again. Therefore I will not take any actions right now. My emotions are too unstable.

[silversoul]

Indeed all good advice! Thank you everybody.

 

Today I feel different, read the text I was planning to send yesterday and do not feel like sending it. Today I'm more in a forgive and forget -mood, but I know tomorrow will be different again. Therefore I will not take any actions right now. My emotions are too unstable.

 

Don't do anything, you may regret anything you do later on, so for now the best is to ignore it. I'm speaking from my own experience, when my ex contacted me with wanting to be friends, I agreed but since it was too early I let my emotions to get in a way and had a second break-down. By replying to her you are giving her control again. You said you are not ready to frogive and it is ok because it happened only recently. Don't follow your emotions, use logic.

[Ms Darcy]

You know I had these issues before her and she fell for me despite them,. I dont blame her for my suicidal thoughts back then I just really dissapointed that she wasnt there for me. Nobody was really. I had to struggle through them all by myself.

 

I think this is a very unhealthy mindset. I had these issues before her and she fell for me? Hmm, hon, if you keep thinking this way then you are just going to go from relationship to relationship not 'getting' why people keep leaving.

 

There is nothing that is more valuable than self-love. It's pretty clear how much you need it. That's why your therapist is really focusing on that. When you have self-love and self-confidence, you learn what is wonderful about yourself and you learn how to be self-reliant. You learn that relationships are voluntary and that no one 'owes' you a relationship ... even when you feel like you want support. And mostly, you learn how to support yourself. You don't get into the emotional place where you are suicidal, you develop friends and connections outside of relationships.

 

You are so focused on her. But she's gone. And she's gone, in part, because being in a relationship with people who don't love themselves is really exhausting and not attractive.

 

I'm not saying that you should improve yourself to become more attractive. You should improve and love yourself so you move past the place of thinking of suicide and you are happy in life. As a by-product you will develop friendships that are more lasting and you will have better experiences with relationships (knowing that most relationships do end).

[Lucha]

I appreciate your input and I know part of your reply is in fact correct. I feel like I should explain more deeply: I once was a spontaneous, almost naïve young person who fell in love always a full 100%. Then I had some dissapointing experiences with borderline diagnosed women, leading to push-pull dynamics and making me feel incredibly insecure. I had two of these dating experiences when I met my first ex-gf, a woman 14 years older than me but with quite a similar maturity level as me. It was a good relationship but didn't survive the honeymoon phase because she had bought a house and had to take care of her 9 year old son, which took too much of her time. There was basically no time left to invest in our relationship. I understood, and we parted amicably. Being in a relationship with her had kind of 'rebuilt' my selfesteem, not as good as it once was but better than what I felt the BPD-girls. I then met my last ex-gf, and our relationship was very good for the first few months. There was no need for me to feel insecure so I was just happy etc. But after 6 months is when all the hurt began. She started withdrawing, therefore I started to get more and more insecure, to the point where there was hardly any selfworth left (at BU, one month ago).

 

But you see, while you explain my BU as being a consequence of my insecurities, I explain my insecurities and lack of self-worth partly based on my past and partly based on her gradually fading away and putting herself on dating site and wanting to be with her friends more than with me.

 

You may be right that I need to adress my issues and start working on them (that's why I started therapy) but I don't think this caused our breakup. Or at least, I do not want to believe that, bc then the BU would me entirely my own fault... Do i make sense?