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What are breadcrumbs? Is this them?


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We still haven't gone more than a week without NC (2.5 months separate). Mostly my fault in the first month but for the last month and a half I have dropped back and only replied when he messaged. Now I'm just not replying and I feel really rude because I want to reconcile one day hopefully.

 

We had a talk about 2 weeks ago and I got some more insight into what he's thinking and left it at that. Then he msgs Christmas eve and 'would love to give me my Christmas present'. I open the door, and it was very awkward. I was in no mood to let him ruin my Christmas eve. I said thanks and closed the door. He msgs me the same day to say he hopes i have a good flight so I ignore it. Then today he msgs about a clothing sale if i was interested. ? I ignored that too.

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Breadcrumbs - think of them as you walking beside someone, and every so often, they look over to see if you're still there.

 

It's not meaningful. It's just a security thing, and can happen for a multitude of reasons.

 

None of them are ones that are a full on "I screwed up, and I want to know what I can do to get you back in my life, and keep you there."

 

I'll list some of the possibles and shoot 'em down, so you can see what I mean.

 

1) Contact to reassure themselves you're "ok." This is misleading. While it might on the face seem, and even they might THINK, it's to check your welfare, more often than not? It's a guilt assuager. "I checked on her to make sure she's ok, so I don't have to feel bad about the breakup. So I can go out and (drink a beer, get laid, vacation with the guys) and just enjoy it."

2) Contact to reassure themselves you're still there. "If nothing else comes along, it wasn't so bad, I can always hit her up for another go." While that seems encouraging - do you REALLY want to be someone's plan B if their plan A isn't panning out?

3) Habit. Yep, pure habit. They're not hurt by contacting you, so they don't understand that it hurts YOU. So they continue meaningless little "friendly" texts or emails like you'd welcome them.

 

See what I mean? When they're boiled down - they're NOT what you want, and are only hurting you and delaying you moving on, while keeping a security pacifier (comfort of habit) for them.

 

Draw your line and stick to it. If he REALLY wants you back, the message you get isn't going to be one that leaves you wondering anything at all.

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HB, you seem to be quite concerned about being "rude".

 

Don't be!!!!

 

I was niave, suffering, but still full of hope. I was not aware of the Breadcrumb concept. Wow! If only i was aware of this at the time.

Consider yourself lucky.

I thought that by continuing to be the loving supportive caring understanding giving partner that I WAS, via spoken word, actions, emails and text... I would demonstrate that I was worth living life with together.

Almost 5 months of me being stuck in the same place while she used me(consciously or unconsciously) to aide her recovery, distancing herself, and forming a new relationship.

 

You are lucky HB. You have been made aware of the Breadcrumbs... the ex is satisfying comfort and habit, just like Mesemene explained.

 

Keep on doing what you are doing. Big hugs for the hard times when you have to, MUST ignore xo

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