Trust Issue Surfaces Again

[surfdog]

I have trust issues and I’m in counseling. It seems a lot of things stir up my trust issue. I find it very helpful to get outside opinions to help me see if I’m over reacting or not.

 

Here is the current situation. My girlfriend was stopping by her father’s house after work to exchange Christmas gifts since her and I spend Christmas with my family. She said she would call me on her way back to her apartment after she left her father’s house. She got to her dad’s around 5:45pm and it’s now 4 hours later and she has not called me yet. She did not plan on staying there long (1-2 hours) and I’m 99% sure she has already left there. We last spoke around 5:30pm and I called her at 7:30 when I got home from work, she did not answer.

 

She knows I have trust issues and she knows situations like this bother me a lot and usually causes an issue. These (phone call) situations happen once in a while and they usually end up with me getting very quite on the phone (putting up an emotional wall), her asking me what’s wrong and then her explaining that she needs room to make “mistakes” as she calls it.

 

I know the typical response….”maybe she is busy”...“maybe something happened”…etc, etc…but this is not the first time it’s happened and I’ve explained to her several times that it stirs up serious issues for me. It makes it difficult for me to take her word on other things she tells me when things like this happen (I struggle with this the most).

 

Am I over reacting to think that this is a malicious act…that she is doing this on purpose? Does it make her an untrustworthy person? To take it one step further…is it wrong to think that she is doing something she shouldn’t be, cheating?

 

Can someone tell me if they’ve experienced “black and white thinking styles” when dealing with trust issues? How to I handle myself when we eventually do speak? I know I’ll be angry do to anxiety and trust.

 

Thanks.

[mhowe]

Your trust issues are yours to deal with. If she has never violated your trust (cheating) than she does not need to behave in a way to alleviate irrational fears. In fact, calling etc would be.playing into them. She forgot or something came up...she is not being malicious.

 

You need to work on this much harder. You will drive her away.

[surfdog]

Thanks for the reply mhowe

 

It bothers me that she knows what I go through when this happens (saying she'll call at a certain time and then not calling for a few hours later). The way I look at it is that she'll definitely see my missed call at 7:30.....why wouldn't call when she had a chance (on her way home) instead of waiting until 11pm or later....make me feel somewhat unimportant to her.

[ParisPaulette]

Why wouldn't you think that something else has happened like car trouble or a family emergency or even that she's gotten busy with family and just forgot the time? Why not just pick up a phone, call her Dad's place and make sure she's okay. One of the things you will need to learn in addressing your trust issues is that nothing solves an issue like full communication. Never assume without proof and stay calm. Your therapist is bound to have given you exercises for how to deal with this type of anxiety, so just apply them and know she'll be in touch shortly. In fact, chances are good as I type this you'll get a call or already have gotten one.

[DancingFool]

It's not her job to play into your problems by being put on a phone leash all the time. She doesn't owe any calls and she can be busy, she is allowed to forget, etc. You are not even trying to work on your issues. Demanding that someone else walk on eggshells and dance around your nonsense is not you working on your problems. It's actually you being a jerk and potentially an abusive jerk if you actually go off on her and in any way punish her for not calling you. She is not your cheating ex and you need to put a whole lot more effort into letting the past go and getting over yourself.

 

Your behavior is a self-fulfilling prophecy in a sense that this kind of constant tension, absurd demands, pouting fits when she "fails" to meet your absurd demands, etc. are the very reasons that will drive her away from you. You don't get security in a relationship by acting like a jerk. You get security when you make yourself a great and attractive partner.

[mhowe]

I don't know how important you are to her but if this only happens every now and then you need to accept that her every action or inaction does not need to be thought of in the context of how it affects you. She had just been with you...calling you at a specific time to just check in is not necessary especially if it is only to placate your irrational fear.

[His Woman]

Seriously, if you're the one with the issue here, you cannot expect everyone to tiptoe around you. People aren't perfect. They'll slack off for whatever reason when it comes to communication. It happens. Also, the fact that you told her that you have trust issues actually may be putting pressure on her to constantly be on her toes so as not to upset you. And that's a turnoff.

 

I think it's great that you're in therapy. But going to therapy alone, at least in MY experience, isn't enough to help you work through your issues. You really gotta whip out the elbow grease and get working.

 

Good luck.

[His Woman]

She knows I have trust issues and she knows situations like this bother me a lot and usually causes an issue. These (phone call) situations happen once in a while and they usually end up with me getting very quite on the phone (putting up an emotional wall), her asking me what’s wrong and then her explaining that she needs room to make “mistakes” as she calls it.

 

 

This. Sounds like manipulation to me. That's kinda malicious, don't you think?

[bulletproof]

Maybe you don't have enough going on in your own life and that enables you to notice her absences more? Do you have other friends that you spend time with? Hobbies that you give your time to?

 

At the very least, don't get quiet on the phone when she finally does call. Just tell her that you're having anxiety, you know it's irrational, and maybe you should talk later.

[surfdog]

Why wouldn't you think that something else has happened like car trouble or a family emergency or even that she's gotten busy with family and just forgot the time? Why not just pick up a phone, call her Dad's place and make sure she's okay. One of the things you will need to learn in addressing your trust issues is that nothing solves an issue like full communication. Never assume without proof and stay calm. Your therapist is bound to have given you exercises for how to deal with this type of anxiety, so just apply them and know she'll be in touch shortly. In fact, chances are good as I type this you'll get a call or already have gotten one.

 

If she had car trouble I would hope that she would call. I know if I call and check to see if everything is alright then she'll get somewhat angry because she'll feel I called only because she didn't call. As far as communicating, I've explained to her that I would like better communication with her....but then this happens, that's why I called her when I got home from work. Thanks for the reply though...yes, I will try and not overreact without proof.

 

 

It's not her job to play into your problems by being put on a phone leash all the time. She doesn't owe any calls and she can be busy, she is allowed to forget, etc. You are not even trying to work on your issues. Demanding that someone else walk on eggshells and dance around your nonsense is not you working on your problems. It's actually you being a jerk and potentially an abusive jerk if you actually go off on her and in any way punish her for not calling you. She is not your cheating ex and you need to put a whole lot more effort into letting the past go and getting over yourself.

 

Your behavior is a self-fulfilling prophecy in a sense that this kind of constant tension, absurd demands, pouting fits when she "fails" to meet your absurd demands, etc. are the very reasons that will drive her away from you. You don't get security in a relationship by acting like a jerk. You get security when you make yourself a great and attractive partner.

 

Dancingfool, thanks for the reply but no need to call me a jerk. I am working on my issue. I don't demand anything...she said she'd call and she didn't. I agree it could be a self-fulling prophecy but I'm looking for constructive feedback, not to be called a jerk.

 

I don't know how important you are to her but if this only happens every now and then you need to accept that her every action or inaction does not need to be thought of in the context of how it affects you. She had just been with you...calling you at a specific time to just check in is not necessary especially if it is only to placate your irrational fear.

 

Mhowe

 

She's not calling to put my fear at ease...she offered to call but didn't, I would have been fine if she had not said she'd call, I guess once she said she would call then I expected her to follow through.....this stirs up some issues for me.

[mhowe]

My bf will say "I'll talk to you later"....it doesn't have to be that day!

 

And if you wouldn't have cared if she hasn't said she would call and then didn't...then you are looking for reasons to be upset.

[surfdog]

Seriously, if you're the one with the issue here, you cannot expect everyone to tiptoe around you. People aren't perfect. They'll slack off for whatever reason when it comes to communication. It happens. Also, the fact that you told her that you have trust issues actually may be putting pressure on her to constantly be on her toes so as not to upset you. And that's a turnoff.

 

I think it's great that you're in therapy. But going to therapy alone, at least in MY experience, isn't enough to help you work through your issues. You really gotta whip out the elbow grease and get working.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks His Woman.......You're right I know people aren't perfect, I just feel I would do it for her if it was reversed. Yes, therapy is good but it takes a lot a lot of extra work (gotta retrain the mind).

 

This. Sounds like manipulation to me. That's kinda malicious, don't you think?

Unfortunately that's the way I've been dealing with it.....I'm trying to resist the urge to react (or should I say over react). I'm working on it

 

Maybe you don't have enough going on in your own life and that enables you to notice her absences more? Do you have other friends that you spend time with? Hobbies that you give your time to?

 

At the very least, don't get quiet on the phone when she finally does call. Just tell her that you're having anxiety, you know it's irrational, and maybe you should talk later.

 

 

 

Thanks Bulletproof...

 

I have tons to do, family business (working all the time, weekdays, weekends etc) actually working right now (10:40pm) on laptop at home while also on the forum, in the military reserves too.

 

I'll practice staying "normal" when we do talk. Thanks.