What would you do next? Advice on reconciling with a first love

[milkystars]

In a nutshell, me and my ex-boyfriend of 2 and a half years have been dating since we were 15 ( now 18 ). Had an amazing relationship, full of ups and downs that come with young love. He was my first boyfriend, and I his first girlfriend, yet towards the end of the relationship things started to deteriorate.

 

 

1. August - broke it off mutually due to conflicts that we were too immature to notice/understand how to address
   
2. End of August - after time apart, and time with other members of the opposite sex, he contacts me asking for another chance - try again
   
3. November - he ends things after a night out where he kisses another girl. We weren't actually dating (only seeing eachother) but it hurt because it was unloyal. His reasons were that he wanted time to grow up but couldn't do that with a girlfriend. Told me he loves me but we need to experience life apart to realise what really matters. I understood, and took it on the chin, because I believed that, though we had realised we needed to be together, we hadn't addressed the problems that were ruining us before we broke up.
   
4. November til December - tried intermittent periods of NC for one week then turned up at his house, this carried on throughout the month. He continually grew fonder of me, talking of old times. Before I left the last time I visited, I left a note in his sock drawer where I wrote the name of 'our song'. Less than a week later, he text me saying 'I love you, please remember that.' I was incredibly cold to him, I didn't respond as he expected and he gave up. I was moving on at this point, obviously with hopes of reconciliation, but I could see that me moving on really hurt him. He asked 'What would you do if I asked to give it another go?' and I replied saying that I haven't thought about it. We didn't talk again. A week after that, he contacts me saying that it hurts when he sees me talking to other people. He misses me and loves me beyond all extremes, and believes we are soulmates but met at the wrong time. I replied saying 'I love you', and that's it.
   
5. 9th December - he calls me and we talk on the phone for 8 hours. Then he arrives unexpectedly at my house. He says he wants to give things another go but is scared and doubtful. He says he can't bear life without me. Tells me what he wants from me and I tell him. We agree to take things slow.
   
6. 12th December - he breaks things off. He told me he loves me so much, and misses me everyday, and the thought of me with another makes him ill but in the time he thought I was moving on, he distracted himself with another girl so that he wouldn't be upset about me moving on. She's 16 and has a boyfriend but is being unfaithful with her boyfriend with my ex. He tells me that he can't be with me whilst he feels for her, and the same with her, but he thinks his love for me will 'fade with time'. He said if she ended it with her boyfriend now, he'd be with her and be happy but knows he will never feel the same for anyone as he does for me. BUT he continued by saying that he would most likely cheat on her for me if the offer was there. He thinks we are soulmates, and more than just boyfriend and girlfriend, and he thinks he'll never love another as much. He told me what he would want if we were ever back together, and that if I was with another guy and my ex started trying to reconciliate, that I should believe it was genuine.
   

 

Currently been NC for a week (on my half), but received an email from him on Saturday night warning me that my friend's relationship is 'going to end very messy'. I didn't reply. Unsure what to do now as my main goal is reconciliation.

 

I know there are cynics out there that will say he is a loser. That I should forget him and move on. But I am posting because I am looking for the opposite. I believe what me and my ex have is real, and he is immature at the best of times. I think he needs to experience life and grow up to not only realise I am what he wants, but to enable him to work on where we went wrong last time. He is contradicting himself all the time and clearly does not know what he wants. I think he needs to get it all out of his system - he has a serious case of 'the grass is greener'.

 

What can I do now to ensure reconciliation? I am realistic that this is not guaranteed but I have read enough about moving on and understand that reconciliation may not be available at this point. But I would like some advice on what you would next

[mhowe]

To ensure that your ex came crawling back.

 

 

Ummm, he is not the.only immature one.

There is NOTHING you can do to entice him back, let alone make him crawl.

You are too young and have been together too long. He wants to spread his wings and date other women. You guys have finished cutting your relationship teeth, so to speak and now he wants to see what else is out there. Let him.

 

And you go explore as well. You may find out that he is worse than you think.

[milkystars]

Thankyou for your response, mhowe. I have edited the post as I was talking figuratively - it has been misconstrued! I am referring to him coming to his senses, as such, and realising what he has done. I didn't mean it to be interpreted so dramatically.

 

I am not stopping him from 'seeing what else is out there', as I understand that sometimes people only know what they have when it's gone. I think it would be more meaningful if we reconciled after we have both experienced other lives, anyway. But thanks nonetheless!

[mhowe]

Coming to his senses implies that he has lost them.

I think k he is in fact, in full control of them. He is like a kid in a candy store...and doesn't want to settle down any time soon.

[milkystars]

I do indeed believe he has lost them - otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post or wanting to be with him in the first place! I can read him like a book and the fact his words and actions are not consistent tells me he doesn't know what he wants. I feel this is slightly off topic now because I originally asked what you would do next in terms of reconciliation, I don't want an attack on the way I perceive the situation but again, thanks!

[mhowe]

It is your perception that you can orchestrate a reconciliation that is the topic.

You can't. And regardless how well you think you know his behavior, he is clearly acting against type right now.

 

You can not change or affect his behavior. You can only change your response.

Go silent. Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

Reconciliation, to start, requires both people to want it. He has made it clear that he is not interested in getting back with you while he is with this other girl. Honestly, I would not want to be a man's second option.