First heartbreak at 29 years of age. Still struggling 5 months later.

[BeardedWonder]

Hey folks. I'm new here an in need of some encouraging words. It's been close to six months since we broke up and I'm still struggling emotionally.

 

Here is my story:

 

My ex and I met at work and started dating in January. Her home town is Chicago. She was working here (Toronto) because she got a good opportunity for her career.

 

She had gone through some tough times a year before we met with someone she dated for a few months. That relationship was on the rocks and she ended up getting pregnant and opted to have an abortion. Apparently the guy didn't support her and basically went on vacation while she had to have the abortion without any support. So she was in a bad place and didn't really like Toronto anymore after that experience.

 

Fast forward a year and her and I started dating. She had put here transfer application to go back to work in Chicago which would take affect in early May. Both of us knew that but decided to date anyways. We both fell for each other hard. I fell in love with her. The emotional chemistry we shared was incredible. I don't even know how to describe it. She even said that she's never been with anyone who's made her feel this way before. She truly felt like a best friend. And she was pretty to boot.

 

She transferred in May and we decided to try a long distance relationship. She came back to visit in 3 weeks and stayed with me for a week. It was an amazing week. She told me that she wanted to move back to Toronto in a year to be with me. I was ecstatic. The plan was for her to move in with me in a year. Then a month later she was due to visit me here again, and she pulls that chute. She said that she doesn't want to leave Chicago again. She doesn't want to leave her family and friends to move to Toronto. We were essentially breaking up. She didn't want to do the long distance. She wanted a relationship where she would be able to see the person more often. Then the plan was for me to visit her in Chicago. She then cancels that trip. I asked her what if I moved to Chicago and that I was looking into jobs there. She said that she didn't think that would work. She gave me every excuse in the book as to why I would hate it there. She said that she's 30 years old now and didn't want to take the risk of me moving there and it not working in the longterm and that she just wanted to meet someone in Chicago. I tried everything. (reasoning, begging, the works etc). We still kept in contact for a few weeks after. She even wanted to visit me AGAIN here in toronto. But then when I pressed her on if she was really visiting, she said it was a bad idea. I basically told her that I need to go no contact and that the only way she should contact me was if she ever wanted to reconcile. I don't understand how someone can go from professing their love to another person and talking about spending the rest of our lives together to not even wanting me to move to her city to be with her.

 

It's been almost 6 months since the breakup. I feel like I've gotten a bit better. But I still cry. I still feel like crap. I still feel like i have a strong emotional attachment to her. Even now it feels like I'll never be able to get over her. It's a tough pill to swallow because a part of me still feels that we would be together if we lived in the same city. This is the first woman I've ever fallen in love with. I don't know what to do. I still feel like contacting her via email to tell her that I"m still willing to move to Chicago but I know it's not a good idea. She still sends me breadcrumbs here and there. She emailed me last month to say that she still thinks of me and hopes that I'm doing well. I didn't respond.

 

Am I having such a difficult time because this is the first time I've felt heartbreak? I thought I would be feeling better at this point considering it was only a 6 month relationship. I'm having a hard time because I'm also sad that I'm losing an amazing connection I had with her. I know from past experience that its really really hard to find.

[Twidom]

Sometimes I have the feeling that, the older you are, the harder is to get over it. That's just me anyway.

 

I've dated a girl for 2 years, she was my first love. When we ended, it was not as painful as my current breakup. I can say for sure though, that I loved both of these girls with all my heart.

As for the time, I can't say. Some people heal within months, other people take years. In the end it comes down to you and how you're dealing with things.

[silversoul]

What have you been doing to distract yourself? You have to choose to get over her, why do you cling to someone who acted so awfully by declaring their love and then abandoning you? I truly can relate, my ex also declared his love only to leave me in the end. I do not have respect for people like this. I think it hurts so badly because you truly believed their love and now it is hard to accept the reality. But it seems like she doesn't love you, it was just an affair for her. So why should it be anything more for you? There are so many people on this world, you will connect with some one again and it will be intense and special. I'm sorry but if she wants to meet someone else, she does't love you

[QWit]

That first love (or the first one you truly fall in love with) is, for most of the times, hard to get over.. So, you are not truly use to having your heartbroken.. You feel like you won't find anyone else that could bring you the type of connection that you shared with her.. You could possibly be having a hard time for that reason.. Yeah, it's definitely going to take you some time to get over her, but you will.. Keep your head up and keep pressing forward..

[BeardedWonder]

What have you been doing to distract yourself? You have to choose to get over her, why do you cling to someone who acted so awfully by declaring their love and then abandoning you? I truly can relate, my ex also declared his love only to leave me in the end. I do not have respect for people like this. I think it hurts so badly because you truly believed their love and now it is hard to accept the reality. But it seems like she doesn't love you, it was just an affair for her. So why should it be anything more for you? There are so many people on this world, you will connect with some one again and it will be intense and special. I'm sorry but if she wants to meet someone else, she does't love you

Thanks for the reply. On a logical level everything you've said is right. Its still taking a lot longer than I would like to get past this.

 

And I do need to do more things to distract myself. I've been basically working. That's the extent of my distraction right now.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry for how you are feeling. It sounds like it didn't even make it out of the honeymoon phase (6 months). And because it was long-distance you never really had a fight, not got sick of each other - basically you still have her on a pedestal. Best thing you can do is to knock her off the pedastal and recognize that she will not be the only woman you will love in your life.

[BeardedWonder]

Sorry for how you are feeling. It sounds like it didn't even make it out of the honeymoon phase (6 months). And because it was long-distance you never really had a fight, not got sick of each other - basically you still have her on a pedestal. Best thing you can do is to knock her off the pedastal and recognize that she will not be the only woman you will love in your life.

The long distance part of it was only for a month.

 

The rest was in the same city. But you're right, I do have her on a pedestal. We got along pretty well.

[Ms Darcy]

The honeymoon phase is awesome. Connection seems perfect. No fights ... no miscommunication ... no frustrations. Not real.

[BeardedWonder]

I hear you but that still doesn't make my pain feel any less intense.

 

I'm so shattered right now. I thought that I was getting a bit better over the last couple of months. Then suddenly I'm right back in it. The last few days feel almost as bad as I was feeling 4-5 months ago. I don't even know what to do anymore. I knew grief came in waves but aren't the waves supposed to get smaller and smaller? If I can be completely honest, I do want to move on and get to the acceptance stage. I'm just frustrated with the slow progress.

[Ms Darcy]

I know man. It is slow going. Have you talked about your feelings with friends?

[BeardedWonder]

I did a for the first couple of months. I find that its hard to talk to buddies about my hurt after 5 months. I started going to therapy a month ago. It seem help right after I'm done a session. To be frank, being abandoned has unleashed so many negative feelings for me. My self esteem has plunged and I feel like I'll never meet someone like her again. I realize I have some serious self esteem work to do to rebuild myself.

[Ms Darcy]

You don't want to meet someone like her again. You want to meet someone you are happy with. As you change and grow, your relationships dynamics can and should change. That is the goal of moving forward.

 

Have you ever heard of the book by Susan Forward - Journey from Abandonment to Healing (I think)? That would be a good read for you.

[BeardedWonder]

Its funny you mention that. I actually read that book a few days ago. There is so much to digest in one sitting. I plan on reading it again. Hopefully it'll help me in my healing process.

[Ms Darcy]

Confirmation for you to read it again! I think that's a great step for you bud.