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Girlfriend questions/jokes about my masculinity? ?


oasisrob22

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Hello all! I've posted a couple times about my current relationship and the issues that have come up. I will say, since I have posted last, things are a lot better. We have aired out most of our issues with good communication and we haven't really argued since. Things are great now, probably the best that they have been.

 

However; there is something that p!sses me off and I want to post it on here and see if I am in the right, or if I am simply being too sensitive and need to get over it.

 

You see, I grew up an only child. I never learned how to fix or build things from my dad. I never had any older brothers that taught me that kind of stuff either. I always felt left out that I didn't have the "manly" skill sets.

 

That's not to say I'm completely inadequate by any means - I've done landscaping and light construction jobs in the past and have moved boxes/furniture countless times.

 

Anyway - my girlfriend has joked/"questioned" my masculinity on several different occasions. One time, I was hanging up a light fixture from the ceiling from her and she was watching. I was having a few seconds of difficulty trying to hang it properly, and she goes, "Hey be careful.. I worry that you can even do this babe. You're kinda weak and fragile haha" to which I laughed it off and said "Stop, I can do this, just give me a min" and she goes "Babe it's ok, you're just not a man's man".

 

Another occasion - I surprised her one day by hanging up a heavy wine rack on the wall for her. She didn't believe I did it at first. And now she gives me crap that one of the screws is hanging off the wall and it's going to shatter. It's perfectly fine, all I need to do is take a power drill to the screw and drill it in tighter.

 

Another time - I was giving her a foot rub and she complained that I wasn't doing it hard enough, and joked that "it's okay babe, you have little fragile hands, you just have weak hands that's all"

 

And last night over the phone. She told me that she got a bunch of stuff for Christmas for her house, and I was like "oh awesome, I can help you put that stuff up when I get back" and she goes, "No I already put the main stuff together, I saw how you did the wine rack, haha" and then she goes, "You're more girly than I am" ? How emasculating and disrespectful is that?

 

We got off the phone and I was still fuming about it so I texted her and said, "Hey J can you stop with the jokes about me not being a 'man' or being 'man enough'? I always assume that you're joking, but you've said it enough to where I think you actually mean it. It bothers me when you do. Thanks." She just responded "Ok" and then later responded "I'm sorry" and I responded a couple hours later saying "it's cool". We haven't talked since.

 

Am I wrong here? Perhaps I am insecure about this? I feel like by being her boyfriend, I'm supposed to be a strong man and I WANT to be, I try so hard but I just don't have the skill sets. I even cleaned out her entire garage of garbage that she hadn't cleared out in 2 months.

 

Thoughts? Thanks!

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Any kind of undermining is not cool in a relationship, unless it's clear that it's a joke and that the recipient understands that it's a joke and is cool with it.

 

You've made it clear that you're not cool with it, so all you can do is see whether she takes note and cuts it out.

 

If she keeps it up, I'd personally ditch her and let her find a 'man's man', if that's what she wants and thinks she needs from her man.

 

It always cracks me up when a woman expects their man to have been born with DIY skills built in as standard, but yet they have none of the stereotypical women's skills.

 

Picture a guy telling his GF that she's too masculine and is no good at cooking and cleaning and see how far that gets him.

 

Very hypocritical, immature behavior from her IMO.

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Thanks. I did call her out on it once in the past - she actually brought it up after she said something about it and was like, "You really don't like it when I say stuff like that do you?" And I said "No I really don't" and she just nodded and got quiet. Hadn't heard anything more about it until last night. So hopefully she gets it this time, because next time this happens I'm not going to stand for it anymore.

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No you are not wrong here.

 

Your skill set is just fine. You are thoughtful and caring and take it upon yourself to help her out. My ex would never do anything like help me hang something.

 

She is a mean spirited woman who enjoys belittling you for her own amusement. Quite frankly, I would rethink the wisdom in being in a relationship with someone who has to be told to not say emasculating things to you. How would she like it if you told her that she wasn't feminine enough? Or she wasn't enough of a lady to keep you attracted and interested? She would not like that at all, I'm quite sure.

 

I wonder what she is sorry for? Is she sorry you took what she said the way you did or is she sorry for even saying that crap to you? There is a difference and until she explains what she is apologizing for, I wouldn't accept the apology. She could very well be issuing you yet another one of her backhanded comments to your masculinity--that your feelings aren't tough enough to get her "joke". No, she needs to explain what she is apologizing for before you accept it.

 

I do not believe that she is done making cracks about your masculinity. You should prepare yourself for what you will do the next time it happens because it's going to happen again.

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Another female vote for it being rude and disrespectful. Part of being in a relationship is appreciating what your partner DOES bring to the table, not pointing out perceived deficiencies, especially, IMO, ones that aren't, but are more personality and aptitude. I'm with a guy for who he is and what he DOES, not in spite of things that are, in the scheme of things, pretty trivial.

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All valid points, and yes, I would agree that I don't think she quite gets it or knows what she is apologizing. The problem is - we had a past argument about something different where I didn't think she was really getting it, so I kept asking her about it and she then asked me to stop beating a dead horse to which I replied that I'm not, I just want her to try and understand where I'm coming from, and she apologizes again and says "I'm not good at relationships, I'm sorry I will work on it"

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All valid points, and yes, I would agree that I don't think she quite gets it or knows what she is apologizing. The problem is - we had a past argument about something different where I didn't think she was really getting it, so I kept asking her about it and she then asked me to stop beating a dead horse to which I replied that I'm not, I just want her to try and understand where I'm coming from, and she apologizes again and says "I'm not good at relationships, I'm sorry I will work on it"

 

if she's not good at relationships, then she doesn't belong in one until she is good at them. Period.

 

I"m not good at surgery. I won't be doing any until I am.

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This is the 2nd time we have gotten into a discussion about something that bothers me greatly caused directly by her - I think she just apologizes by sweeping it under the rug.

 

The 1st discussion we had about something else that first bothered me - I will say, she apologized and she has not done it again.

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Thanks. I did call her out on it once in the past - she actually brought it up after she said something about it and was like, "You really don't like it when I say stuff like that do you?" And I said "No I really don't" and she just nodded and got quiet. Hadn't heard anything more about it until last night. So hopefully she gets it this time, because next time this happens I'm not going to stand for it anymore.

 

Sometimes when people keep repeating something, even when you tell them how you feel about it, it's because that's how they feel about you.

 

It's not like you are going to leave this relationship. So, my advice is to bring it up again that it bothers you and to be very stern and firm about how it's unacceptable.

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Her derogatory comments are uncalled for. I agree with Kendahke, your skill sets are fine and your gf is being mean-spirited and disrespectful. It's not cool. What will you do if she does it again? Could be a major red flag that she doesn't respect you.

 

EDIT: I just saw this, and don't blame you.

Thanks. I did call her out on it once in the past - she actually brought it up after she said something about it and was like, "You really don't like it when I say stuff like that do you?" And I said "No I really don't" and she just nodded and got quiet. Hadn't heard anything more about it until last night. So hopefully she gets it this time, because next time this happens I'm not going to stand for it anymore.
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I wouldn't put up with that anymore if I were you and it sounds like you're on that same mindset.

 

I agree with what people have been saying with how disrespectful she's being and think that respect is imperative to a healthy relationship. Just keep in mind one thing, people are the way they are with you because you are the way you are with them. There's some truth in that statement. If you keep letting her treat you this way, she'll not only continue to do so but you're only giving her more ammo by helping her not respect you to stand up for yourself - even against her.

 

I would call her out on everything, as she does it. She apologizes, tell her: "You've apologized a few times now and kept on doing it. Are you truly remorseful or just trying not to argue?"

 

Another thing, I feel like respect is something she should have for you as a foundation of the relationship. If she doesn't and keeps on thinking this way about you whether the jokes stop or not, then I'm sorry to say I don't see it panning out the way you'd like. So sit her down, and get to the bottom of it. Don't necessarily make the topic about her joking, about what she's saying - make it about where these statements are stemming from in the first place. Let her know what everyone on here is telling you (without telling her it was from us of course) and explain how you feel.

 

Best wishes my friend.

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I constantly joke that I use to be a man (even though we have a kid together)...but man, my hubby is full-on manly. Only child, no cousins, divorced parents, and he lived with his mom - and he can fix a carburetor, replace a motor, weld, create and write programs in Excel, play guitar, and make a souffle all at the same time. And he learned things by living.

 

But with your girl, I think she doesn't get that what she's saying is dumb-as-heck. Very counterproductive. I bet she's still pissed at you for something else. Passive aggressive emasculation is usually code for, "I still think you stink."

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if she's not good at relationships, then she doesn't belong in one until she is good at them. Period.

 

^^ This!

 

Sounds like you have more emotional maturity than your girlfriend, OP! You shouldn't be expected to upkeep the emotional health of the relationship. She is failing in her duties as a partner.

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I feel like I may be the more "manly" person in my relationship. He does all the cooking, cleans up more than I do. And I will do stuff like take out the trash and mow the lawn. We are this way probably because of the way we were raised among other factors. He's a chef for a living - so he cooks at home. He was also raised with all sisters. I grew up watching my mom be independent. My dad was kind of dead-beat so she did everything from assembling furniture, putting the a/c in the window, to paying the bills.

 

At no point would I ever question/torment my boyfriend about a home improvement project he did. And I would never belittle him by even joking about his masculinity. I like the way he is, that's why I started dating him. Your girlfriend sounds emotionally abusive, and I'd be curious to find out where this is coming from. Maybe it has something to do with the way she was brought up.

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