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Have I Really Lost My Closest Friend Permanently, Over Something So Simple?


quickfall

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My best friend and I have had a falling out. I told her that it upsets me that she wouldn't admit to me that she's been distancing herself from my lately, and I wish she and I could communicate more effectively because our friendship feels more like we're family, it's so important. She said that because of how stressed and frustrated she feels in our friendship of late (for what reason(s) she wouldn't tell me why) that she feels it's best we don't communicate, and asked me to specifically honor that request.

 

That was about a month ago. I've respected her request, save for the apology/request to talk this out that I sent to her this past Wednesday.

 

She's not the type of person to hold grudges, hate people, not hear them out, not give second chances, etc. And I know that she feels the same way as I do in that we're like family to one another. I mean, a couple days before this she was asking me to go see a movie with her and making holiday plans.

 

Anyway, in the letter I also reiterated to her how much I care about her and how much she means to me. I apologized for the things I've don't that I think may have contributed to her distancing, asked her to talk with me about what's going on, and promised to do whatever I can to communicate better and make this friendship work because I truly care for her and want our friendship to work.

 

I haven't heard from her yet, and I know I should not be surprised if I have to wait a while. But how long do I wait until I try to reach her again? I mean, she's never not read something I've sent her, but what if she ignored this email?

 

I know that she could very well have many other things going on in her life right now and it's a busy time of year. I also know that she never expected our friendship to end, let alone this way, and she's just burned out--not mad at me, not angry at me, not holding a grudge. I know she still cares about me deeply.

 

I'm worried she won't give me a chance for us to talk it out in person, even though that would be really out of character for her. But it just kills me not hearing from her and not being able to speak to her. I want nothing more than to walk down the block to her place (we literally live on the same street) and knock on her door and pour my heart out to her and apologize in person, but I can't.

 

I'm so at a loss it's killing me. Anytime I have free time to think about something, my mind goes to this. I know it's probably best for me to even wait a little longer so that when/if we do restart our friendship, it really will be a fresh, healthy start. But it's SO f**king hard right now. My mind races...what if she doesn't miss me at all? What if there's something all along she's been hiding from me that she finally got fed up with and that's what's going on? It just doesn't make sense.

 

What do you think is going on? What should I do? Does she feel the same way I do (i.e., missing me, distraught, but just dealing with it differently)? I just want to be able to at least talk about this with her, but she's shut me out completely.

 

I don't want to badger her, but it's killing me to feel like I need to start mourning the loss of my closest friend. I just don't understand how she can go from wanting to hang out with me to not wanting to speak to me in a matter of days without even talking to me. Is she really going to never ever speak to me again?

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I think you've done all that you can do, unfortunately. The ball is in her court right now and the sad part is that you'll have to wait on her to lob it back to you.

 

I think it's mean spirited of her to not say what the issue is.

 

Do you think that there is another friend of hers or a boyfriend who is interfering in your relationship?

 

For someone to flip that quickly on you is suspect.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm going through something similar and it is sad and bewildering.

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that she feels it's best we don't communicate, and asked me to specifically honor that request.

 

I don't think you will hear back from her. She has severed the friendship.

 

 

I appreciate the input, but knowing her as I do, I'm 99.99% sure she said the latter portion because she was 99.99% sure I would respond, and likely in an inflammatory manner, based upon previous such situations. I didn't, however, haven't thus far, and have no plans to.

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Additionally, I'm wondering this: I've been thinking about what I would need in order to give myself resolution to this in the worst case scenario (i.e., she's completely silent for months). I figure if worse comes to worse, I will send her a miss you/thinking of you card with a simple offer to get together, or perhaps stop by her place (depending on how ballsy I'm feeling) and do the same. Good idea Y/N?

 

I realize I should stop planning the future like this; thankfully I got a couple of video games for the holidays to occupy my free time, and once the undergraduates come back from the holidays work will pick up. I'm sort of in the stage of shock where I used to be wondering where the time went because if I wasn't at work or sleeping, we were together, and now that's completely absent.

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I think you think much more of this friendship than she does.

You haven't heard from her since this statement.

 

And from some of the things you are said or inferred (ie...she was sure you were likely to respond in an inflammatory nature)....that you may have just gotten

on her last nerve. So to keep hitting her with the olive branch is not going to make her change her mind.

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Additionally, I'm wondering this: I've been thinking about what I would need in order to give myself resolution to this in the worst case scenario (i.e., she's completely silent for months). I figure if worse comes to worse, I will send her a miss you/thinking of you card with a simple offer to get together, or perhaps stop by her place (depending on how ballsy I'm feeling) and do the same. Good idea Y/N?

 

I realize I should stop planning the future like this; thankfully I got a couple of video games for the holidays to occupy my free time, and once the undergraduates come back from the holidays work will pick up. I'm sort of in the stage of shock where I used to be wondering where the time went because if I wasn't at work or sleeping, we were together, and now that's completely absent.

 

No --- really bad idea. When someone asks you to leave them alone --- they are not lying. They want to be left alone.

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Do you have any idea what it is that you did to upset her? You say you want to apologize to her, but I'm not clear from your first post as to what you'd be apologizing for.

 

Is there a specific incident that you can pinpoint that might have really upset her? It just seems odd that a friend would just say "don't contact me anymore" without a pretty significant precipitating factor/factors.

 

I have had a few friends just sort of drift away over time -- but in that case, we BOTH "drifted." I've never had a friend tell me "Don't contact me again" (though I have told someone, not in those exact words, but close enough, that I wanted nothing to do with her ever again because of something REALLY bad she did.) It just seems odd that your friend would just start distancing herself and then tell you she doesn't want to hear from you again.

 

I agree with mhowe, though -- she's made herself clear. Don't contact her. Perhaps, someday, she'll come back around.

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It's awfully strange she'd not offer any explanation and additionally ask that you don't contact her at all. However, given that she said that and you sent her a letter already, is refrain from any other contact since she's asked you to leave her alone.

Maybe one day she'll offer an explanation. If a good friend of mine wrote me off with no explanation I'd be baffled and try once to clarify---but I can't think of any friends I would persistently pursue a friendship with if they flat out asked me not to contact them.

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I think you think much more of this friendship than she does.

 

Though I appreciate the effort, that's a pretty far (and inaccurate) leap to make given the scant amount of information you know.

 

 

Browneyedgirl36:

Yes, there is a specific incident, to which her letter was reactionary. She wrote it while she was upset about said incident. And, to be clear, she didn't say "I never want to speak to you again" or anything terminal, she said "I feel it's best we don't communicate," referring to how she wants to respond to the situation as of late, post-said incident.

 

 

 

 

It is 1000% unlike her to be so severely blunt, and she responded while still upset. I apologized after 3 weeks or so and haven't said a peep since (including for her birthday and the holidays). Given all I've said, you can see why I'm confused. I'm not an angsty teenager obsessing over someone who's already 2000 mental miles in the dust. We're both adults, she did something very unlike her while upset, and given her silence since I am confused as to how to proceed.

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Hmmm...well, if you have apologized, that's really all you can do. I understood "I think it's best if we don't communicate" to mean "I don't want to talk to you again," but you know this person and I don't, so she may very well be saying, "I think it's best we don't communicate for now."

 

In any case, it's best to just let it be for now. Perhaps she needs time to calm down, and some people need a LOT of time for that. If you contact her again right now, it might just upset her more. I would give it some time -- perhaps a couple months -- and if you don't hear from her in that time, you might send her a message saying something along the lines of "I respect your need to be out of contact with me right now, but I hope that we can mend fences at some point and move forward because your friendship means a lot to me."

 

Not knowing what you did to upset her, it's really hard to say what you should do. The person I never wanted to speak to again did some really bad stuff -- including lying to some of my friends about me -- total, bald-faced lies -- and, when confronted with it (not by me, but by others), never apologized to me but instead wrote some half-arsed note in which she said some vague stuff about how "we really should put this behind us" -- taking NO responsibility whatsoever. So, I ended my friendship with her. She still attempts to contact me -- has tried to friend me on Facebook twice -- and I have not responded. I'm not a grudge-holding type person at all, either. She treated me badly and showed no regret for it, took no responsibility for her actions, etc., which made my decision quite simple.

 

For now, I think you need to just let it sit for awhile. I know it's hard not being able to fix it, but sometimes, you have to let time do the work.

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Again--though I appreciate you taking the time--your baseless inferences and over-generalizations are not helpful. Most human beings do not operate in such black-and-white, cut-and-dry manners.

 

I am confused. What is "grey" about "it is better if we stop communication. Please honor my request". I don't see much wiggle room there.

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Is she really going to never ever speak to me again?

 

If she decided that you are over, and it sounds like it does, then it is very possible that she will not speak to you again. It sounds like you have crossed some kind of boundary. When that happens some people are able to turn off some internal switch and detach completely. In any case, if you have apologized (and it sounds like you have) then there is nothing more that you you can do. You need to respect her request. And learn from it. A person did that to me once. What I learned from it was that with some people we can be incompatible nomatter how good intentions may originally have been on both sides. The best thing to do in such situations is to move on towards finding more compatible people.

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