This burden is gonna be the death of me.

[Anonymous1993]

I have brought up this before in a rundown story in my first post.

 

But I feel I need more insight on how I should deal with this specific topic.

 

Plus I really need to express my views and vent a little here.

 

 

As some of you may already know, my Grandmother attempted to kill herself because she couldn't have any more babies after her previous 5 children.

 

Her husband came just in time to call the Ambulance and save her life.

 

After this my grandmother's husband decided to do the deed with his own daughter - in which she agreed to go ahead with.

 

That daughter is my mother, and my grandma's husband is my father.

 

 

My birth is from the result of inbreeding and will forever be a burden on me.

 

Yet I had no control over it, no opinion in the matter.

 

Sure my father did it on somewhat "good" intentions.

 

But once he proceeded with this, it's was no longer his problem.

 

It was mine, a problem that will never go away.

 

A problem that was always destined to make my life pure misery.

 

That why I can never forgive him for what he has done, what SHE has done.

 

My family is no longer a part of my life- and I like it that way.

 

I cannot do anything about what has happen, but I can at least do anything possible to erase it from my memory..

 

The worst part of this burden is that I cannot tell this to ANYONE I care about.

 

 

Picture this:

 

You have a wife and kids. Your wife asks you, why you keep your parent's history a secret and why you keep refusing to tell her the truth.

 

You told her "I don't want to talk about it", how does that portray yourself as a husband?

 

You are suppose to be honest with the person you care the most about in life.

 

But what if being honest, will be the reason for your relationship to fail.

 

But at the same time, if you're not honest.

 

Who's to say that NOT being honest won't also cause the relationship to end because of "trust" issues.

 

How do you persist to live, knowing that everyone you love will eventually leave once they find out a secret that you have had no control over.

 

 

I'm weak and distress, the thought of killing myself now is a common thought but to act on it is a fear.

 

Fear of the physical pain I will suffer before, not the fear of losing the life I will continue to live.

 

If I had a gun, or a painless way out. I probably would have it in me to go ahead with it.

 

But, there is still a part of me that wants to persist.

 

To take control of the opportunities I DO have a say over.

 

To overcome this burden, and focus on the future. Not the present.

 

Live a life with no regrets, no concerns and no more pain.

 

 

But the path to happiness is a long travel - and giving up seems so much easier.

 

I like to think of this being my first REAL step in making my goal reality.

 

Addressing my problem, and getting other opinions on the matter.

 

Getting another view on the concept will hopefully help me see this as something I can eventually overcome...

 

 

This is a very sensitive topic for me as you all can probably imagine.

 

But I know, if I don't express myself on this then I will not be around much longer.

 

Please don't judge me on what I am, judge me on who I am.

 

Thank you all for reading my story... Peace.

[mines]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story. My God that is indeed a terrible burden, I can't even imagine how you're feeling

 

You bring up some thoughtful points, about sharing this with a future wife. There is a risk that some people might not be able to deal with the facts, yet on the other hand it must be very difficult to carry this huge secret throughout your life.

 

I'm so sorry that you have to do this alone, and I hope you get some small relief by sharing your story here w/us on ENA.

 

Here's the thing, all these events were 100% out of your control, yet you are the one left paying the price. It's not fair. But.....as you mention, there ARE factors you can control; your reaction to the facts, your current life, career, your future. You can make a plan to create the kind of life that you want, one step at a time. Write it down, then step-by-step put your plan into action.

 

A good therapist is one way to start, because you'd have the relief of a trusted professional with which to share your painful past, and to help you process it as you move forward. The fact that you opened up here, does show that you're wanting to move past this, and have a good life. That you don't truly want to give up.

 

You should never be judged on the actions of others, only on your own actions! You have the power to keep those in your life who do not judge unfairly, and to step aside from those who blame you on things out of your control.

 

I wish you the very best, I really want you to have good things and good people in your life and to feel good about yourself. Your relatives obviously had issues, but don't let them steal your life, your future, your promise! Suicide can seem tempting when you don't know what to do next and you just want to escape the pain. But it's not a relief from pain, it's simply death. You won't feel any relief.....just pain and then you're gone.

 

You're right, the path to happiness is long.....and difficult. But, it's a path we all must travel, each of us have difficulties, some more than others, but we all must walk it and try to do the best we can, one day at a time. When it gets really bad, reach out, let us help you along. Then when you're having a good day, reach out to someone and help them. We're all in this together, in one way or the other.

 

Take care, and be strong. Glad you are here with us

[missmarple]

The how and the why you came into this world was not your responsibility. How you live your life is. I can't pretend to know how you feel but I can tell you that if a person close to me (be it friend, lover, boyfriend, husband) told me what you just did, there's no way I would leave them because of it. Everyone has a secret. Everyone. Many people have even bigger secrets than yours and about stuff that they were responsible for (unlike you) and yet, they go on, have families, kids and manage to rise above their past. I know it's easier said than done but you can do it. My only piece of advice for you is to be honest about your past with the person you love. You'll know when it's the right time.