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1.5 years later...m I going to be ok soon?


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Hello!

 

I used to post very frequently on this site. Then I did' seem to need to for a long time. Then I got dumped....here I am a year and a half after the breakup finally coming back to ena to ask for help.

 

We were only together for 13 months, but it was an intense 13 months. I felt so sure about him, like it never had before. It all seemed to magically fit together...I was happier than I'd imagined possible. Then he broke up with me, out of nowhere. Said that he he didn't have the time for a girlfriend...that I deserved better. All the stuff you tell someone when you break up after a month. It had taken him two days to come to the decision that I was not worth the effort.

 

I'm still suffering. He pops into my head almost every day, I still feel so angry. I had bad times before, but I always felt like I had some idea of optimism for the future...after this long I'm starting to worry that that part of me is lost. I worry now that no matter how happy I am with anyone I am always just two days away from "sorry, I can't be bothered to try anymore".

 

I don't know if I can take feeling like this anymore, it's driving me crazy. I can't sleep without an iPod plugged I. Or tv on to distract me as I fall asleep. I've not spoken to him since a month or two after the breakup and have no intention of doing so. I just want to know why I still feel so wretched so long after the fact and what I can do to be done with this. I'm tired of being so sad. It can make me cry at the drop of a hat. I have a friend with the same name who I only ever call by their full name as I can't bear the shortened version I used with this man. It feels weird, people comment on it, but try as I might, I can't make it be normal.

 

Help?

 

P x

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Oh honey, I feel you. Its been about 11 months since my breakup and I still think of my ex everyday. Like you I have times where I just feel like breaking down. There is no specific 'when' for you to feel okay. It takes as long as it takes and you can't really put a timeframe on it.

 

Seek help, a therapist would be good. Or you can find an emotional outlet, let your emotions out often, don't keep them inside, if you need to cry, cry. The more you let out the less of it is in you. Try to keep it in though, and it will just pile up and blow up one day. You can do this, the people of ENA are here for you. Stay strong!

 

-Nivram

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Parsley, have you tried changing your thought pattern? As dumb as I originally thought it sounded, I tried and came to believe strongly in affirmations. I used them to erase the negative self-talk I was cycling in and to plant new thought patterns in my mind. It worked really well.

 

You have many negative comments in your post. "I am suffering." "I still feel so angry." "It's driving me crazy." "I can't sleep without...." "....feel so wretched..." So, it's easy to see that you might be stuck in some negative internal dialogue. But it's easy to turn it around, though it takes at least 30 days to do it. Here's how I did it:

 

1. Get a notebook to write in. You must write the positive statements out to use both sides of your brains and help them "stick".

2. Come up with 30 short, specific, positive, current statements about yourself or that you wish you were true (they can be). Write them in your notebook. Some good and bad examples:

 

- I can move on and love again. (Bad statement..."can" isn't current, it's future tense.)

- I am moving forward with my life. (Good statement...current, positive, true, and short.)

- I decide who I love. (Good statement...current, positive, true, and short.)

- I hate my ex. (Bad statement....it's not about him and it's not positive.)

- I hope my ex is mutilated in a freak accident that makes him hideously ugly to other women, as opposed to taking his life, thereby ruining any chance he'll have of finding happiness with another woman...the jerk. (Bad statement....it's about him and it's not short.)

- I am in complete control of my life. (Good statement.)

- I am healing. (Good statement.)

- I have beautiful eyes.

- I am worthy of deep love and a faithful partner.

- I can sleep deeply without stimulus. (Try taking calcium supplements 20 - 30 minutes before bed and going to bed at a regular time every night - it helped me when nothing else did.)

 

3. Every day, read through the entire list and write out just one of those statements at least 20 times. (I filled a page every day with one statement.) Before bed seemed to be the ideal time for me.

 

4. Whenever you have time, write out positive statements about yourself and your healing. (I found time when I was sitting on a ferry crossing Puget Sound, waiting at the doctor's office, during TV commercials.)

 

It helped me a great deal and fast than I thought possible. Before affirmations, I felt worthless, hopeless, heartbroken. In 30 days I felt like a completely different person - confident, positive, energetic. I learned to laugh again because I stopped telling myself it was hopeless. You could use a little hope, right? Start right now!

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Thank you all for your thoughts, in a way it really helps to have people not say "well you really should be okay by now". Some (very well meaning!) friends said to me about 6 months after the break up something along the lines of after a year you have to forget. I see what they meant and I had always been a firm believer in that myself but it just didn't happen this time.

 

The idea of the affirmations is really interesting to me, and I absolutely will give it a go! I have been trying my best to make myself happy and doing the things I always wanted. I've taken what steps I can to get into the career I want, and I'm currently 3 months into a 4 month trip around Canada. It's been an amazing time, I've been travelling by myself and meeting some wonderful people, my homesickness and worry about the topic of this post have been my only real negatives. It's kind of an ideal time frame for me to try out the affirmations...it will be roughly a month before I'm home when I could seek therapy. I am really interested to see what the power of thought can do. I know there are times (when I'm feeling worst) when I think "I hate him, I hate him so much" and at the same time as I think it I think "that will not help you, hate is not the opposite of love, this will not help you feel better!" But by the time I've had that debate with myself I've alrady got that burning emotion in me that will not shift. I will definitely be giving it a go, and hope that ena will help me like it did so much before.

 

Thank you for your replies, and any more! I am ready to hear any and all advice anyone can give.

 

P x

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it's been 2 years for me Parsley, and even though I am doing so much better, he still pops into my mind. I wish I could forget he breathes aire and lives on the planet, but I guess the human brain isn't designed like that (darn it). Also, its hard for me to find anyone, so that makes it a little more difficult. My biggest hurt is the fact that I thought I had found a friend for life, but I did not. That has hurt FAR more than the break up. But, I am going to try those affirmations too! I have a lot of goals I want to reach in this coming year, and its time to leave the past behind.

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It's normal to feel this way after you break up, but 1 1/2 years - I'd suggest doing something productive (if you're not) to feel good about YOURSELF.

 

Work out, try to see other men, shoot - go shopping and get some new clothes - once you begin to feel good about YOURSELF, you WILL see a huge change - I promise

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