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Having such a hard time letting go


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Hi all. I have been struggling for the past 2 weeks to understand current events in my life. I really need help and this will probably be long so I hope you can get through all of it.

 

So years ago I was diagnosed as bipolar by my doctor. I was stunned, I thought it was because I had simply gone through 3 bad relationships in a row that my moods were fluctuating. Now suddenly I was on heavy duty medicine that was making me feel even worse.

 

Years and years and no positive change in my moods, it was declining rapidly. I met a guy during this time who I immediately had feelings for that I've never had before. I for once felt happy around someone else instead of small and broken. He did not treat me like as opposed to all the other times. And we both admitted we were starting to love each other and it really really felt real and I still believe it was. But I did cause problems because I was feeling insecure. I didn't know why I couldn't just be happy with what I had. I always doubted it because he had JUST broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years and it was his first relationship. So I assumed I was just a rebound and that something bad was going to happen. The more I believed the more it started happening. He started to talk to and hang out with his ex in no time. Eventually we broke up. Then we went on and off for a little over two years. I cannot go into the specifics because it will take a long time. But after that it was very messy and my moods just weren't getting any better. I WANTED to be happy but I just couldn't. And I was always wondering why the hell isn't any of this medicine working? Therapy helped for a little but sometimes I'd feel like absolute . My weight started to rapidly decline also. I am 5'2" and 99 pounds today. I used to be 115. And I don't starve myself, in fact some times I eat really excessively. My mind always seemed foggy like it just wouldn't work with me it was working against me.

 

About a year ago I tried to kill myself, I had my poor mom take me in to the hospital after overdosing because I knew that I didn't actually want to die. I was laying there like what the hell am I doing here? I am someone who is always smiling always laughing and I love to make other people laugh. How did this all happen? So after drinking that miserable black tar type drink and being monitored 24/7 for 3 days by doctors and nurses I was released and put on even heavier meds. With therapy of course. Therapy somewhat helped, she was a nice lady. But one week I'd be just FINE and the next I was terrible! And constantly causing problems between me and the guy, I'll call him "Bob". Bob and I were on and off for over 2 years never being official boyfriend/girlfriend just "mutually exclusive". We would be so happy one week and the next he would tell me he's done. I was SO frustrated I had no idea what was really going on. I mean you would think all these meds would level my moods out a little bit and I had every reason to be happy and sometimes I was but sometimes I wasn't. And thats all that Bob could see, when I wasn't.

 

As of recently, I made the decision to go back to college. Bob goes to the same school, we moved there together and not in dorms but in an apartment. Our rule was if something were to happen we would just remain roommates. I was ok with this, but I was naive. We are in a tiny one bedroom. This entire semester I didn't make one friend. Probably because I was still feeling so unhappy at times. And I latched on to Bob because I felt alone and I liked having at least him. But of course my moods still took a toll on him, especially when you see that person every day. I felt so terrible, I never knew how to explain what was going on in my mind. Because I honestly had no idea, I knew that I loved him and I would get so mad at myself when I'd start getting terrible insecure, jealous, and just delusional at times. I wanted to show him that I was a happy person capable of loving someone but I could only do it sometimes.

 

Towards the last week of school, he started to hang out with a group of people whom he did not want me to meet because we needed "separate friends". It made me sad but mostly jealous because there was a girl he was constantly texting. And he wouldn't admit anything about her until I kept asking. I know we weren't dating but hello what the hell is mutually exclusive then? Doesnt that mean you're only seeing that person? Not that we can't have other friends I realize that now and I was way too jealous but I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Turns out that feeling was right, because now he is talking to her and they are interested in each other. More than friends. So basically he told me I have to just deal with it next semester because I promised to be his roommate no matter what. I guess I just felt kind of abandoned during finals week when he slept over I'm assuming her place 3 nights in a row. He was my only friend and he knew how hard it was for me to go back to school. And I had no support at the end because he was too busy trying to get rid of me at last and find someone better.

 

After crying and crying he basically told me he likes this girl and he hasn't had any real feelings for me since maybe when we first started hanging out. He said he was just giving me chances because he felt bad or something. Maybe once he had hope for me but he lost it and he just stayed with me because there was nothing better out there. Til now. At least thats what I heard come out of his mouth. He said we have nothing between us and I just dont feel that way. I know when I dont have a connection with someone because I have dated 3 people that I had no real connection with. I know exactly what its like. I just stayed with them cause I was bored, like he says about me. But I wanted to stay with him because I KNEW it could be good I just couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I know that was selfish of me, I should have taken a break for myself.

 

So during finals I called my doctor bawling my eyes out begging to figure out what the hell was going on with me. No way after 3 years are multiple anti depressants not working for me. After bloodwork and other tests I found out that it was my thyroid. Which has been connected to depression, anxiety, weight loss or gain. In my case loss. Which they never tested for 3 years ago. So the whole time I was misdiagnosed and all those meds led me to absolute misery. I was so upset to find this all out that 3 years of my life I have been taking meds that have been making me even more unstable. That I RUINED what was a really good relationship because of this. I still do blame myself, not just a misdiagnosis. But it definitely didn't help. Am I so wrong for blaming that? Is it entirely my fault for putting faith in stupid doctors? I didn't know anything about the thyroid before, not much.

 

Now every time I feel weak and tell Bob that now that I am on the right treatment he tells me its too late and its all my fault and he really likes this girl blah blah blah. I try not to talk to him, I know its bad. He blames me entirely and so do I and I can't stop beating myself up. But part of me knows he wasnt exactly perfect either. So why am I getting all the blame? Why can't he see that I really tried...and I had no idea what was going on.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I am starting to feel better about myself at least. A little less insecure everyday, and more sure that THIS treatment is actually going to work. But in the back of my mind I always think about Bob. And how I have to live with him and how he denies ever having any feelings for me. I KNOW what a pain I was, I honestly never meant any of it. When I am HAPPY and acting like myself me and bob get along fantastically and more than friends. But he just can't see that and he doesn't believe me. I know when you love something you're supposed to let it go, and I'm trying. But its so freaking hard...and I have to live with him next semester and I know he will be dating this girl. Its so stressful...I just really need help. I wish he knew how much he means to me and that I never ever meant to cause so much trouble.

 

What do I do...

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I am not a fan of therapists or doctors especially if they misdiagnosis. It is harder to deal because you are roommates. You have to start finding things for yourself. It is a very hard road.

Focus on school and what career you want to be. Find a job if you do not have one. Exercise and start eating healthy and find a diet you like. Find things you like to do and if those things are social try to make new friends for example rock climbing or going to a gym there are people there that you can just learn from and not worry about making friends to start. Keep finding things to do for yourself. And if an opportunity arises with somebody else, take a cautious chance. You can get through this.

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Hi Bella, sorry to hear of your challenges. I too deal with depression, anxiety, ptsd, etc.

I know it is NOT easy to control everything...

 

But, it seems you've got yourself in a pickle. Having to stay there with your 'issues' will not help these problems of yours because it is going to affect YOUR self esteem.

I almost want to say he is being selfish, but then again, you two did 'agree' to live this way for the year..?

Heck, i'd suggest he get 'her' to move in and remain the rest of the year there.

 

If you are on some proper med's now, I suggest you remain with therapy, especially if it can help.

Hard to suggest much on what you should do with such circumstances, accept it is really sad that you're stuck in such.

This isn't going to 'help' you much at all.

 

All I can suggest is to back away from everything to do with him..best you can. As he isn't seeing you anymore.

Then just leave him be. Aim away from him now and try your best to work on making some friends there.

With the new semester coming up, it is possible for you to get to know more people in your classes. etc. I just think, if you ARE stuck here... to just start taking care of you and try to pay NO attention to HIM any longer.

 

Give it a few more months and you WILL be free of it all. Think you can do this?

Give it a try... but don't give up cause this will not last forever...

 

tc

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