Forgive and forget - not sure about the 'forget' part

[Kiki89]

Hi guys. Sorry in advance for the long post - not the best at summarising.

So my bf and I have been together for almost a year, lived together for 6 months. Things are going relatively good although we've had our fair share of arguments..

 

For starters, this is our second go at it. The first time was a complete nightmare. We were casually seeing each other for a month, asked him if we could be exclusive - he agreed (reluctantly, on the basis that we didn't change our status on FB) then he unceremoniously dumped me without a text or call. He then changed his relationship status on FB (literally 2 days after he just stopped talking to me) and there were all these pics of him and the other girl. So after what felt like a Ton of bricks collapsing on me (I was shocked, it was so unexpected, he'd taken me home to meet the olds, I'd introduced him to close friends and our workmates knew we were dating) I went no contact, blocked him on FB, deleted his no. Etc I didn't even send him a text for closure. But I really wanted to know what I'd done wrong...why didn't he want me ? Basically it brought on a bout of depression, self pity, diminishing self esteem...allll the good stuff

 

So four months later he unexpectedly apologises to me at a staff party. I had only seen him once on the street prior and completely ignored him. At the party, he'd had a few beers before finally having the balls to admit he'd been a d!ck. I was really angry but lied and said I hadn't lost any sleep over it.

 

Against the advice of friends, I decided to give him another chance. I made it clear there wouldn't be a third and his loyalty has not been questioned since. He's a completely different person and we've really grown a lot - personally and together. There's no doubt that I love and trust him but I'm constantly plagued by that period last year...I can't shake the memory of being screwed over and I'm so angry that I lost 4 months. We could've been together sooner...the jealous monster within refuses to let it go.

 

We've talked about if a few times and more recently he cried saying how sorry he was to have hurt me. He wants a future with me and he's really happy. His family have been very kind to me too. I couldn't have asked for better in laws...

 

...I don't know is wrong with me. It's like I'm self sabotaging a good thing by tripping on the past. And tbh I mostly revisit the issue when other stress levels are high in my life (work, family issues)

 

Has anyone on here successfully forgiven and forgotten a past misdemeanour ?

 

Thanks

[shelty24]

No. I dont think what he did deserves a second chance. His behaviour was a huge red flag and your right to be concerned. You cannot trust this guy. Maybe he will be on his best behaviour throughout the honeymooon period. A year is still early days IMO. But I doubt hes naturally monogamous especially since he was so reluctant to commit.

 

And I think we all deserve a good foundation built on trust and honesty. You will never forget what he did and subconsciously you will always be waiting for him to betray you again. I could never give someone a second chance-not if cheating was involved.

 

When I'm walking up the aisle towards my man of 5 and a half years-I will be able to look back and say "I can trust him with my life". Don't settle for second best. Your worth more

 

he may not slip up again until your married with 3 kids. Thats my worst fear and thats why I would never ignore a red flag like this

[shootingstarz]

It is hard. I am going through recent break up. But, I can tell you from my previous experience. But, before that. If you truly love this person. You have to let go of the past. Only time you can fix the problem is while you two are still together. Once it is over. It is much harder to fix or you will never get a chance to fix it. Now, back to my experience. When someone leaves you for another person, most likely this will occur again. I had an ex where he dumped me and 2 days later I found out he was already seeing another girl. I was beyond pissed but like you, I removed myself and pretend I never knew about his new interest. 4 months later. He came back, and I don't think he ever apologized and I didn't cared much for it. What was done in the past was a past. You need to let go of the past. If you hold on to the past, you can't move forward and eventually the relationship will end. I have forgiven him. Our second around was better than our first. Things were much better and we got along great. One day, I got really upset over something and I acted out irrationally and walked out on him. After a week. after getting my head back. I called to explain what had happened that day. He tells me he can't see me because he is with someone else. Merely 5 days!. A month later he came back. Well, too late. I have moved on and I had no emotions left for him what so ever. My thought is that. Cheating habit is hard to break. And this ex was sweetest guy you will ever know and will put you center of his attention. He is still around, still hoping us to get back together after 2+ years. And, I have no emotional feelings for him.

[Komal]

This clearly bothers you.

You have to be honest with him. Dont be judmental and dont be confrontational.

It's very possible he changed and regrets his actions. It's also possible he did not.

 

Tell him you need a break. set some ground rules. How he behaves in this break period will define is he is different or not.

If you feel he has truly changed and really cares for u, then ask yourself if u can forget the past and build a future. If you cannot then just move on in life.

[shelty24]

People don't "change". He proved he has crappy morals. And if they went on a break now-he would prove it again

[bulletproof]

Has anyone on here successfully forgiven and forgotten a past misdemeanour ?

 

 

I know couples who have forgiven what seem like unforgivable actions within a relationship, and it seems to be working out. Of course, I can't say for sure how the "wronged" party got past their hurt feelings, but I do think that it's possible to do so.

[Ms Darcy]

If you do decide to stay with him, you would have to let what happened go. If you can't then you should let him go because it's unfair to unconsciously punish him for something that has already happened.

[sharky988]

It sounds like you were his second choice -- that he dumped you (without having to explain WHY) to date this other woman. Then when things didn't work out with her, he decided to give you a go..... me personally, I couldn't settle for that.

 

I don't think it's a matter of "forgive and forget." I think it's a matter of settling for someone who sees you as second best.

 

What would be on my mind right now is, how long will it take him to find someone he considers "better" than you and dumps you again to be with her? Ugghhh, even just typing it out makes me cringe, you deserve SO MUCH better than that.

 

Just for me personally, I'd be listening to my girlfriends and to that little voice in your head that doesn't want to pretend that what he did in the past never happened.