Jump to content

He said, "I don't love you anymore." Two days before xmas


Maryclaire78

Recommended Posts

My live in boyfriend of two and a half years and I got into a tiff the other day because I was sick of him being in a crappy mood. I said what I always say when I'm angry, let's get an agent to sell the house. He ran off to his parents house like he always does and texted me that he will never marry me or have children with me so I better hurry up and find someone who will before it's too late (I'm 34). Then he texted, "take it for what it is. I don't love you anymore." He stayed at his parents that night and then yesterday (Xmas eve) returned home while I was at work. He cleaned the house, took the gifts that I bought for him from under the tree, scavenged through his stocking and took what he liked and went back to his parents house. I had a feeling he was going to pull something because I had our own Christmas planned but his mom demanded he be there first thing in the morning to be with them. It always a battle. She thinks he is 10 but he's 32. Anyways, he never bought me a Xmas gift at all. Before he left to his parents house the first time he threw some money at me and said that should cover whatever I bought him. We bought this house six months ago and it is going to be a big financial loss to break the mortgage. He reminds me of when I was a teenager and moved out for the first time. He has lived with his parents all his life until we moved in together. Before him I owned my own house and have been on my own for about ten years.

Is this lost?? Is he lashing out or does he really not love me? Why take the gifts he said he didn't want?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm really sorry... how awful he is behaving...

 

OK, if he is a 'Mommy's boy' and has never lived alone and his mother treats him like he's 10, then how he is behaving is par for the course and predictable... His mother has probably spoiled and warped him to the point he doesn't want to be an adult and expects everyone in his life to give him exactly what he wants while he gives back nothing in return. That is normal for children to expect 'adults' to take care of all of life's problems and that they should just 'exist' and a parent figure take care of them, but that is NOT normal for an adult man to treat his partner that way.

 

So he sees your role as being the giver of gifts and all things wonderful, and whenever he is displeased with you for not playing that role and having normal expectations of him, he tantrums like a little boy. So that is what all that was about. the 'I hate you, you're a bad Mommy' is normal in young kids, but if an adult says that, he either MEANS it as an adult and intends to leave, or else he's immature and tantruming like a kid. So you have to take this seriously either way.

 

Honestly, I would not be with a man who 'runs home to Mommy' at his age. I think he has discovered Mommy indulges and spoils him more than you do, and probably also he doesn't particularly want a wife and kids or even the house because of the adult responsibility involved. And as long as his mother is alive, he has her to fall back on so he doesn't really 'need' you in his mind other than for sex. So you can't win in a scenario like this if you're with a Mommy's boy.

 

My suggestion that is that you write off your losses and take your life back. Tell him to live with his mother while you're working on selling the house and getting on with your life. Money alone is not enough of a reason to stay with a man, especially if he is refusing to marry and what you want is to marry and have kids. So split up with him, and work on selling the house either via a short sale or just take the loss if necessary as the price you pay for getting your life back. Then start dating and looking for someone new who is an adult rather than a child.

 

btw, if you are serious about a relationship, never threaten things in a fight you don't really want to happen, i.e., threats to get an agent or sell the house. When you disagree with someone, the goal isn't to bully or scare someone into giving up so you can win the fight, the goal is to resolve the difference. If you say such things, then one day the person may take you up on it because they are sick of being threatened with a breakup, and go ahead and do it themselves. But if you are having fights that are bad enough to want to break up, then you probably should break up as things are just not working out and the two of you clash too much to make a relationship work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are dead on. He is a mama's boy, but that being said he has come a long way since I met him. I know that threatening to get an agent is wrong and he did say that he was calling my bluff this time and he refuses to live his life with me in it. It's so hard because I do love him and up until we moved into this new house together, things were good. But I guess you are right. If he says he doesn't want to marry me or have kids with me then he probably means it and it's time I move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This relationship sounds very dysfunctional. Every time you argue-you threaten to sell the house and he leaves and runs home to his parents

 

this is not how healthy couples deal with conflict and I doubt you and he are compatable.

 

If you want this to work then you both need to learn to communicate better and to resolve arguments quickly without it blowing up into a huge fight.

 

Do you think he meant what he said or was that just anger? Again if he did not mean it, saying things like that in an argument is very wrong and those kind of words can cut deep. Your both sabotaging this relationship

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think he meant it. I've been seeing a therapist to work on not lashing out irrationally. This all stems from him wanting to spend Christmas morning at his family's house instead of at our house. They guilt him in, then he picks a fight, I lash out and he has an excuse to leave. He doesn't communicate like an adult an his parents have some sort of hold on him. He's admitted to being depressed but won't see any kind of therapist or even so relationship counselling with me because it's me not him. We never used to be this toxic. I want to fix it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well tbh it takes time to figure out if your good for each other or not. And maybe you are just too different.

 

It takes two to fix it and if he refuses then you are fighting a losing battle alone.

 

Maybe its time to take control of the situation and end it as you are bringing out the worst in each other

 

I can understand two 17 year olds behaving this way but you are in your 30s

Link to comment
Share on other sites

>>up until we moved into this new house together, things were good.

 

Well, that tells you something. You two can't live together, and perhaps he really prefers living with his parents and being babied by them, and didn't realize it until he moved in with you. So you learned something! Now it's time to put your energies into resolving your financial issues with the house and what to do about that. If you can't live together in peace, and he won't go to a counselor with you to try to figure out how to do that, then it's basically over and you need to just resolve it as quickly as you can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

btw, the holiday season actually throws a lot of relationships into crisis by bringing problems like this into high relief... so I know it's hard and bad timing, but it just brought the mother vs. you conflict into focus and showed that he's not really let go of the apron strings. There are other posts on this board about this, people not really melding with their partners and being overly enmeshed with their mothers/parents rather than growing up and bonding with a spouse/partner. So life with a Mama's boy really is impossible, or any partner who is overly enmeshed in a dysfunctional family and refuses to deal with it. You don't want a lifetime of this, so better off that you found out now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ridiculous, on both sides. Sell the house, and cut your losses or this is going to get worse. From the sounds of things, this is going to continue for a long time though. How do you feel about him not getting you a Christmas gift? Personally, I hate Christmas and I don't particularly like receiving gifts, unless it's something perfect for me, but it sounds like Christmas means a lot to you. I don't see what the big deal is about him going to his parent for the morning, but living with your mom until you're 32...you asked for exactly what you are getting right now. The guy sounds like a complete loser, unless his parents need living assistance or something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...