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Why Can't I Let Myself Be Happy?


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I don't get it. I have been seeing a girl since March, and yet I am too chicken to make the move and make it official. Honestly since September we have agreed to be exclusive, and yet still I can't call her my g/f. Idk why but it drives me nuts.


I am hung up on another girl still. Around this time last year, the old girl and I were doing great, things felt amazing. Only issue, it was likely all a lie. She either really liked me but couldnt move past her ex, or she used me 100%. Either way, point remains I went through something poisonous again, and it's done something to me. It has kinda changed me. I find myself missing her, thinking back to how we used to be. Idk why I can't let it go. It has been since last February that I had anything with that girl.


Same time, I have this girl who spoils the out of me, she is beautiful, kind hearted, I just don't see how I got so lucky. I realize all of this, and when with her I love ever second of it. Still when I'm not, I find myself torn between the two thought wise. I even have dreams about the old girl STILL. What did she do to me? Am I just reeling from the damage?


I feel so guilty for it, I want to give my 100% to the new girl, but I feel it's unfair since I'm not all there in it. I feel pressure put on myself that i need to make it official, I kind of sense to myself that I am delaying it as long as I can, but why? Do I hope stupidly to go back to the old girl at some point who herself is not missing me? Am I just scared of getting too close? How else can I move on, I have no contact with the old girl at all, none. What is wrong with me? I don't want to be like this forever. I get to the point where I start thinking about the old girl and what was so great and what went wrong, that I have to go look into the past and remind myself of the ty stuff she said and did to me to stop it.


I feel like unconsciously I hold out hope the old girl and i will rekindle, but my conscious doesnt want that. I have something so much better right now. I excuse the past girl and make excuses for her, I saw who she was and could be, and might be now, and find myself hoping someday to attempt to win her back, but that's foolish.


Why can't I let myself be happy?


(Sorry that was very rant filled, was nice to get off my chest)

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Because the new girl may be great but you're not in love with her. That's why you keep going back to the old one in your mind. I think that you need a clean break. It's not fair on this girl who's with you.


How could I be, I haven't been able to give my 100% attention to the new girl? That's what I need to get over so I can to see if there maybe something there. I don't feel I loved the old girl, I think it just hurt so badly how it all went down. How I caught her out with her ex (even tho she was free at the time to do so).


The old girl had a lot of qualities, and we had insane sexual chemistry. However, she was selfish, has a princess complex, bad mood swings, would say the meanest things, jealous, untrustworthy. I know I couldn't ever be with her if she remained like that. That's what bothers me even more.


I won't lose out of something great because someone else scarred me. That's why I haven't given up with the new girl, because I will weather the storm for as long as I have to.

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