Letting go of narcissistic man

[Allipie]

Of course! Why wouldn't they?

 

HA! Makes sense why he would tell me he hates his gf and stopped interacting with her on his fb page but would interact with her on other pages.....and added other women. haha.

[IAmFCA]

HA! Makes sense why he would tell me he hates his gf and stopped interacting with her on his fb page but would interact with her on other pages.....and added other women. haha.

 

Oh yeah. Mine who professed to needing the emotional connection also had his profile up on casual sex/swinger/couple sex meet up sites.... I was the fruit and veggies, and I guess the others were dessert.

 

To be fair, he posted his profile there after we ended it, but still, emotional connection? I don't think so. He was just in the mood for a different meal.

 

He sent me a graphic penis pic the other day. Out of the blue. I know I should be offended, aghast, have alarms going off about my boundaries being breached. Instead, I just received it like the object it is. Wasn't looking for a new penis, but thank you? I must have responded in some way, but I remember I didn't say anything sexual. It is just kind of sitting there in my email. Oh well. The next day, he explained it away saying he was unleashing a lot of stress. Uh, ok. I will make sure to hide my contact list if I ever get under stress, I guess, in case I do the same thing? After that I requested no sex emails, and he will respect that request.

 

To LavenderDove's point, though, the emails will stop altogether. Why let any blood leak out to this vampire?

 

Anyway, the penis pic just reminds me how proud he is of himself. Funny. Like a little boy with his art work: "Look what I made!" So N.

[Allipie]

that's just so wrong!

it's so obvious mine was going through a rough patch with his gf...he was posting pics of himself on his instagram acct (that she doesnt know about!) and adding a lot of women but now that everything is roses again, he stopped. (yes i did stop keeping tabs on him!!) It's like he needs that constant adoration and I was always willing to give it to him.

I found this GREAT article:

link removed

[IAmFCA]

From that article: "HE WAS LOOKING FOR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, BUT WAS TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF GIVING IT BACK IN RETURN” (caps were in article, sorry)

 

Yes. No question. That is why he contacted me again in the first place. That is why he sometimes asked to hang out in our living room, everyone having quiet time. That feeling of being unconditionally accepted by a family.

 

 

that's just so wrong!

it's so obvious mine was going through a rough patch with his gf...he was posting pics of himself on his instagram acct (that she doesnt know about!) and adding a lot of women but now that everything is roses again, he stopped. (yes i did stop keeping tabs on him!!) It's like he needs that constant adoration and I was always willing to give it to him.

I found this GREAT article:

link removed

[Allipie]

From that article: "HE WAS LOOKING FOR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, BUT WAS TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF GIVING IT BACK IN RETURN” (caps were in article, sorry)

 

Yes. No question. That is why he contacted me again in the first place. That is why he sometimes asked to hang out in our living room, everyone having quiet time. That feeling of being unconditionally accepted by a family.

 

that sentence really resonated with me as well. What he DOES give back appears to be love but it's not. Mine will contact me again when he has no other source for a supply. It may take a year or more , maybe less, but he left our last argument open with no finality.

 

I was looking through the notes on my phone and i found a note where i listed all the shady things he said and did. 4th of July, a year ago, he texted me late at night to 'watch tv' but really wanted a hook up. I remember him saying NO sex but anything else was ok. I thought it was weird at the time. Knowing what I know NOW, he more than likely was fighting with his ex and called me to boost his ego; he needed the attention to make himself feel better. I remember when the cab pulled up to his place...he looked sad. I shudder now at how blind i was. ALWAYS trust your instincts!!

 

If you read through the comments in that article, it all sounds very very familiar. ITs the same behaviors over and over. Different people but same behavior. The manipulation...making you feel like you're losing your mind....ugh!

[IAmFCA]

One of my key statements to myself:

 

he did not make me feel anything. I put myself in his path, over and over, until I learned what I was supposed to learn.

[Allipie]

One of my key statements to myself:

 

he did not make me feel anything. I put myself in his path, over and over, until I learned what I was supposed to learn.

 

thats a great way to look at it.

 

and i bet after i confronted him, after he went silent, he went back to his girlfriend (not that they were broken up) to make himself feel better.

[Hell_On_Heels]

My ex-husband was brutal during our divorce. He wanted it over, he couldn't wait a few months and see how things were between us, it had to be right then. And he was incredibly, needlessly cruel to me. I guess he just hurt me one time too many because I went from a devastated crying lump to finding my spine - yep, right there where I left it - and stood up for myself.

 

I insisted on no contact, and that was far more peaceful for me than I expected it to be. He got his divorce with no help from me at all. I relocated accross the country. I was still very sad, but it wasn't a sickening kind of sad...where I feared there'd be no cure. It was normal grief, and I knew I'd get through it to something better.

 

3 or 4 months after our lightning fast divorce was over, he contacted me through email. He pretended concern over our weather (we had an ice storm). I doubted he had the slightest interest in my well-being, but responded to him anyway. Why? I guess because we hope against hope that they might become human someday.

 

That didn't happen, of course. He said he was in therapy, he was so messed up from our divorce. He said he wanted to get close again. He said everything except, "I'm sorry." He completely refused to accept any responsibility for his actions while trying to lure me back in.

 

My response was roughly this -

I have no feelings left for you. You burned them out. When I think of you at all, I'm grateful that you got the divorce. I believe marriage is sacred, and I would've kept trying for years. I would still be miserable today. So thank you for leaving. Never contact me again.

 

I blocked his email address, and I haven't heard from him since then. As the years go by, I forgive more and I forget the horrible details. The one thing I will never forget is that any interaction with him is the direct pathway to agony.

 

Ironically, I was in so much pain at the time that I was a very pretty package for my soon-to-be-gone boyfriend...who has done much the same as my ex-husband. 4 years later, my emotions are dried up for the most part. I simply can't feel a lot any more. He has drained me financially even more than he has emotionally. He does act like a friend when I have troubles that do not relate to him...and this is a slight improvement (?)

 

...I know....that's messed up, lol

 

But he is utterly incapable of giving me things I do want emotionally, and physically. Combine that with the money thing, and it's all pointless.

 

I need a long time out, perhaps permanently, to figure myself out. I need to work on my boundaries - a long running theme in my life. I refuse to beat myself up any more. There are plenty of people who'd volunteer to do that for me! Ack! People!

 

Instead, I praise myself for the steps I've taken so far, like refusing to let my ex-husband back into my life, and telling my ex-boyfriend he has to move out. If I want to be happy, and I do, these are things I have to do for myself. If there is a knight in shining armor, I'm it. And that's a very empowering, though scary, thing.

[lavenderdove]

>>When theyre on their way out...decided theyre done (for now) with a person, will they still continue to show "love and affection" to them while looking for new victims?

 

Yes... because they will not go for any period of time at all without someone to provide narcissistic supply. So they almost always have more than one person on the hook at the same time, or one person waning out while the cultivate new people and try to get them on the hook.

 

Their response is to be angry and pouty if it looks like you are cutting them off from their supply (i.e., your choice to cut them off). And if they are working on a new person they feel will provide their supply better, they will either start to be more indifferent towards you, or just spend more and more time away from you as they are working on securing someone new. But they rarely totally give up anyone as a 'source' unless you either rudely boot them out (and make it very clear it is over by cutting them off), or it will somehow damage them to stay in contact with you (i.e., you'll serve them with a judgment for their unpaid child support, or you'll rat them out to their current GF, or you'll continue to rain down your anger on them when you see them or talk to them).

 

The master narcissist I knew once cheated on his 2nd wife and she started to divorce him, while he immediately latched onto his other woman and 'promoted' her to partner because he needed extra money to pay for lawyers in the divorce. For a while he juggled both woman, trying to encourage his ex-wife to reconcile with him (because her family had a lot of money) and cultivating the other woman in case the wife really did go thru with the divorce (which she ultimately did). Then the second the divorce was over and he married his other woman (who was pregnant at the time) because he had to have that income or he'd lose his house and possessions because he had a stiff child support and settlement owed to the wife. So he 'promoted' her to wife. As soon as they were married, they were so financially pinched due to the divorce and his TWO ex-wives and child support to both of them, that he started selling off HER 8 and 6 year old daughters (from a prior marriage) large collection of Beanie Babies (those toys that were really hot commodities a while back) on Ebay! So he was literally liquidating his new wife's possessions and her daughter's possessions to pay off his bills and keep up their standard of living.

 

He was cheating on the 3rd wife within a few months of the marriage, and eventually knocked up his new other woman. Eventually wife #3 found out about the mistress and baby, and launched another armegeddon of the divorce. He was meanwhile borrowing money from everybody he knew, including $25K from his new other woman to fund his life and latest divorce.

 

What I found fascinating and horrifying was his attitude after repeating this scenario so many times. He was nonchalant and only cared that all these women and children were cramping his style, no guilt, no remorse, nothing. And his 3rd wife REALLY went after him in the divorce (her parents naturally were wealthy and funded the divorce to unload him) because she was basically left her alone in her 40s with 3 young kids to raise, and he had stripped her clean financially and emotionally and destroyed her by cheating and knocking up another woman during their marriage.

 

And after that, he just declared bankruptcy, stayed with his other woman for a while until she got disgusted with him and threw him out when she discovered he was with yet another other woman, who was very wealthy and who he made wife #4 post haste because she had so much money and could support him in style! Wife #4 of course paid all his child support and alimony to all his exes and solved all his financial problems by paying off his debts and buying him all the toys he could dream of. Last I heard he was still with her because she apparently is too dumb to catch on to what he does on the side or what he's really about, and she has sufficient resources that he gets his financial needs met without running out of HER money. He may yet run thru all of it though if given enough time.

 

And the narcisisst's comment on all this and his exes? 'I don't know why they are all so mad... they just need to calm down and get over it because it's been a while since we were together...' (his concept of 'a while' might be two weeks). So he expected them to instantly forget about any wrong he'd done them as soon as he no longer needs them because it was a pain in the butt for him when they were mad at him!

 

That is another hallmark of a narcissist though.. they can shown a surprising amount of disinterest in all the chaos and trouble they cause, like it is just 'normal' to cheat, and break hearts, and stiff creditors, and lie and do drugs or refuse to get a job or any other number of BAD behavior. If they do it and want something, it's all good, and if there are problems generated by their behavior, it is always someone else's fault and their mess to clean up, not his.

[Allipie]

Hell_on_wheels- im glad you were able to stick up for yourself!

 

Lavender- your last paragraph was perfect. He made such a mess out of my life but seemed so uninterested when i was telling him. Like it was my fault. I remember telling him 'you made a mess and left me to clean it up'. No response of course. No accountability. If someone did wrong towards him (like his ex cheating), it wasnt ok. But for him to do wrong WAS ok. Ugh when we finally talked i remember telling him that i had lost all my money, he response was 'i dont have any money it all goes to student loans'. I didnt think anything of it at the time but then remember-he bought a new luxury car, a house...throws money down on expensive food, booze, weed etc....and then after some snooping online i found out he was thinking up upgrading his luxury car to a newer model and buying a membership to a social club. What a liar!!! Psh. No money my a$$. Meanwhile, at one point, could barely afford food and almost lost my apartment because i couldnt afford rent one month.

[lavenderdove]

>>After that I requested no sex emails, and he will respect that request.

 

You need to just draw your boundary and cut him off. A narcissist doesn't 'respect' anything. You need to ask yourself why you are corresponding AT ALL with ANY married man who is sending you pictures of his privates? Of course it wasn't about 'stress,' it is about him hoping to use you for online dirty talk and/or to start hooking up with you again on the side while cheating on his wife.

 

Just take out the trash (HIM)!! There is nothing in this for you at all, and you're engaging in inappropriate boundaries with him by tolerating his contact. I feel sorry for his wife because of whom she married (and probably doesn't know it yet but will eventually). Don't agree to help him disrespect her and don't play around with a dirtbag like him.

[reinventmyself]

I need a long time out, perhaps permanently, to figure myself out. I need to work on my boundaries - a long running theme in my life. I refuse to beat myself up any more. There are plenty of people who'd volunteer to do that for me! Ack! People!

 

Instead, I praise myself for the steps I've taken so far, like refusing to let my ex-husband back into my life, and telling my ex-boyfriend he has to move out. If I want to be happy, and I do, these are things I have to do for myself. If there is a knight in shining armor, I'm it. And that's a very empowering, though scary, thing.

 

Well said HOH!

[22n32]

I was the narracist man and i lost my ex and my daughter,, everything you guys said is correct and its been 22 months since i lost my family, one thing i can say is narracist can change if they want to, looking back i see how the road to my narracist began. i had lots of success early in my life i was the only child and i created an illusion whatever i wanted i can get or achieve.

 

its been a rough learning road for me, i still dont have my family back my ex doesnt ever wanna be with me , but deep down i feel what i did was wrong and i have changed. people who say they only come back for a fix is not aslways accurute sometimes we relize what we did and what we lost and we want that back

[reinventmyself]

I was the narracist man and i lost my ex and my daughter,, everything you guys said is correct and its been 22 months since i lost my family, one thing i can say is narracist can change if they want to, looking back i see how the road to my narracist began. i had lots of success early in my life i was the only child and i created an illusion whatever i wanted i can get or achieve.

 

its been a rough learning road for me, i still dont have my family back my ex doesnt ever wanna be with me , but deep down i feel what i did was wrong and i have changed. people who say they only come back for a fix is not aslways accurute sometimes we relize what we did and what we lost and we want that back

 

I admire your honestly. My understanding is a full blown N can't accept this diagnosis, nor accept responsibility so I can't help but wonder to what degree you are N.

[22n32]

I admire your honestly. My understanding is a full blown N can't accept this diagnosis, nor accept responsibility so I can't help but wonder to what degree you are N.[/quote

 

I def was a n i didnt know if there is def levels of n , i always thought it was ur a n or not. but i guess it makes sense. i never really saw myself as a n but more determined person, but i guess dillusion plays into that. seeing nowhow i acted its not right in my eyes, i would never wanna treat anyone like that espically people i love.

 

it sucks i learned a diffucult leason by losing my family, im trying to hang in there and prove myself to them. hopefully it can all work out.. but N can change but it takes a major event in there life to do so

[Silverbirch]

Yes, I'm quite sure there are levels of N - it varies from levels of N traits to the highest end where they merge into psychopathy.

[reinventmyself]

I admire your honestly. My understanding is a full blown N can't accept this diagnosis, nor accept responsibility so I can't help but wonder to what degree you are N.[/quote

 

I def was a n i didnt know if there is def levels of n , i always thought it was ur a n or not. but i guess it makes sense. i never really saw myself as a n but more determined person, but i guess dillusion plays into that. seeing nowhow i acted its not right in my eyes, i would never wanna treat anyone like that espically people i love.

 

it sucks i learned a diffucult leason by losing my family, im trying to hang in there and prove myself to them. hopefully it can all work out.. but N can change but it takes a major event in there life to do so

 

continue the hard work and I wish you the best. .

[itsallgrand]

This thread has been very very interesting.

 

There were some things here that resonated for me. I don't know that I have been involved with a narcissistic man, but I am pretty darn sure I have been involved with one who has some of these traits. I always simply thought of it as self absorption, and a sort of dysfunctional selfishness in some parts of his personality.

But I think too that it is probably a tendency to downplay some of it.

I mean, frankly, it is embarrassing.

I remember some times being embarrassed for him, at what to me was outright bald faced attention seeking, and yet it was like he was incapable of having shame about anything like that.

And I doubted my own self on it, because it was so WTH?!, that it screws with the mind a little. Something so out there, especially when you are younger, can be confusing, and you want to make sense of it with what you already know. Your own experience, your own feelings.

Getting older, it gets easier to truly understand the seperation between what one feels and that others are completely different people.

I think part of it too is that I WAS a kid who grew up with an alcoholic parent, and who took on a lot of parental and adult roles early, and what Lavender said about fitting in that role of nurturer and putting ones own needs second so many time sreally resonated. Your personality can get a little stunted from that. I took responsibility for that, and worked on my growth, and can see it more clearly now how it is that I would often be drawn in to wanting to nurture someone all the time. And because that was exactly what he was looking for, someone to take care of him, he could be very sweet at times and affectionate.

But there was a desperate quality about it. And something in me felt like it wasn't ever really truly about me. About seeing and appreciating me for me.

Which, because I have had other experiences, good ones, with men, I know is not the only way it can be.

The idea that these types of guys/women who are bottomless pits of need know exactly how to appeal to the heart of a person, to make them feel needed, in order to continue to validate them own selves makes so much sense to me. It also makes sense how we can get sucked into our own unique types of dysfunction, they tap into it, and basically exploit our weakness.

 

I hope anyone reading this will take away what was said about the way to something different and being out of the hooks of this type of thing is in investing in oneself. Giving proper care to ones own needs. One owns wants. Ones own personality and growth.

 

There is still something in me that emotionally responds to someone flailing about crying for attention. But objectivity is changing how I do respond to it. I need not respond with my emotions anymore. My brain can over ride the impulse to 'first respond' and take the time to take stock of things now.

 

It can be hard as someone who was basically conditioned to ball up your own self for someone else to learn that it isn't wrong to turn away from someone who seems to need you. When it becomes clear though what is need and what is use - using you for their own gain - it sure changes how you look at the person and the situation!

 

Thumbs up to everyone who contributed to this thread. I think it will help a lot of people.

[IAmFCA]

people who say they only come back for a fix is not aslways accurute sometimes we relize what we did and what we lost and we want that back

 

This sounded very N to me. One does not ever get it back, as if the past never happened. That's just a way for the N to (once again) avoid consequences for his or her actions.

 

What you CAN do is go forward. Acknowledge the past, acknowledge the pain your actions caused, explore ways to build a path that reflects the knowledge you have of each other from that experience and others, and see what that new path forward looks like.

[22n32]

This sounded very N to me. One does not ever get it back, as if the past never happened. That's just a way for the N to (once again) avoid consequences for his or her actions.

 

What you CAN do is go forward. Acknowledge the past, acknowledge the pain your actions caused, explore ways to build a path that reflects the knowledge you have of each other from that experience and others, and see what that new path forward looks like.

 

getting back has nothing to do with the past not happening or avioding consquences, but get that person back that u did love but ones mind was clouded by narracist ways.

 

i cant speak for every N, but in my case losing my family i relized what i did and how it effected people and how wrong it was, and ive been living with the consequnces for the past 22 months..

[chitown9]

getting back has nothing to do with the past not happening or avioding consquences, but get that person back that u did love but ones mind was clouded by narracist ways.

 

i cant speak for every N, but in my case losing my family i relized what i did and how it effected people and how wrong it was, and ive been living with the consequnces for the past 22 months..

 

This sounds like you are regretful of your behavior and/or actions with your family. This does not sound like you are narcisstic to me. Having selfish traits and having a narcisstic personality disorder are two different things. Just curious, have you discussed this with a therapist?

 

This thread is taking a different turn. Maybe you would like to start your own thread and get some feedback on it.:strawberry: chi

[lavenderdove]

>>This does not sound like you are narcisstic to me.

 

Yes, it doesn't to me either. There is a big divide between someone who is somewhat selfish and immature, and someone who is a true narcissist. People who are immature/selfish can learn to be more mature and giving, but a narcissist rarely changes their stripes because it is a deeply rooted personality disorder and not just a need to 'grow up' and mature.

[flying guy]

Great information all.

 

I just am out of a 3.5 yr relationship with a Narc. girl. I had no idea until I started reading about some of her personality traits. She has many of the attributes but not all. It is very hard to let go of her because there is a very good side.

 

We are in our lower 30s,

She had been married before and from the begging I felt like she was using me to catch up for lost time.

 

She would never emotionally bond to me and was always very insecure and confrontational if there was a basic disagreement or if I was having a good time.

 

She blamed me for her insecurities, jealousy, lack of future optimism, and whenever she was depressed or stressed out. And she would transfer all her stress to me even thru a phone call. She contorted good times into false occurrences to use against me. Tried to belittle me, use back handed compliments etc. I never took these personal because I knew it was not me. I am very laid back and not passive or argumentative.

 

I noticed she acts and markets herself to different people differently. ie she acts different in front of my parents, different in front of her certain friends, compared to when its just her and I.

 

Will these personality types be the same in their future relationships?

 

I stayed with her because I thought she would change and I have had a fear she would be the good different with someone else.

[reinventmyself]

""Will these personality types be the same in their future relationships?""

 

Yes. .

[IAmFCA]

I stayed with her because I thought she would change and I have had a fear she would be the good different with someone else.

 

She will be the same way with the next person, but you will not necessarily be able to see that, because her chameleon habits will make it obscure.

 

And if she is different with someone else, what of it. A relationship is like a soup, and each person is the ingredients. Sometimes, we don't mix well.

 

My exN mixes very well with his wife. I wouldn't want to be like either one of them. Nor would I want him to behave, as my husband, as he does with me, as his ex. Whatever mix they create makes him happy. He is still as goofed up a man as he was when we were together. Leopard/spots/same, as the saying goes.