Letting go of narcissistic man

[fwdthinker]

Thank you! I found myself shaking my head "yes" to every line. I read a book that describes this to a "T" and found it helpful. It's called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend and hope the OP and others find it helpful.

[IAmFCA]

Its been, roughly, 1 year since my N ex married, 2 years since we were involved with one another. His N-Ness had nothing to do with me, which is obvious, but still validating to discover. For example, he plays an instrument, toured for a time with a rock band. I recently saw a solo show by one of the most talented performers ever, including prior generations, using this same instrument. My ex was dismissive. "Oh, I liked him back when..." I was surprised when it is exactly the response i should have expected. God forbid anyone should receive his unqualified praise, except for me. Because when he praises me, it serves his view of himself.

 

In the case of my ex, his N seems to have been his response to an abusive, neglectful childhood. It also is possible he inherited some mental illness. His mother held a high powered Federal position, very hard to get, but he describes her in ways that seem socially odd, then, and now, in need of care, wandering off at times. I can't tell exactly what is true, though. He also is, secretly, bi-curious, which would be irrelevant except I don't think he is actually bi. I think he invites certain sex acts as a form of self-abuse. I mention this because, to me, it is the counter balance to the narcissism. All things in balance.

[IAmFCA]

Oh my gosh. You described aspects of my exH, whom I never thought of in N terms, though he is unable to attach and has moved on to procreate outside of marriage while living some 1100 miles away..... So, um, yeah, I should have considered this.

 

He told me "you are not special". I will never forget it. Also said, we can't achieve the goals we set out to achieve for our daughters; he was trying to bring me down into his undertow. So I dumped him, and am achieving those same goals on my own without his assistance. When he was not working and not paying child support, I asked him to help with afternoon child care. "I am not your babysitter," he said.

 

His good behavior/selfish behavior always has come in waves lasting about three weeks. I see now, it is a way to keep everyone a little off balance and enhance everyone else's need for him, as resolution of a question bounces one way and then the other. It is that way with supporting the kids, too. He will withhold, and then splurge. It makes it visible.

 

Thank you.

[Allipie]

Ultimately he wants to do as he pleases, and keep me as his parent. When criticized, even gently, he lashes out with blame, attacks on me, and even changing the whole topic.

 

omg YES. like i had to do everything for him which i think is because he has mommy issues (more than likely neglected as a child). He does the same thing when criticized....lashes out, attacks me but didn't change the whole topic...would just shut down and give me the silent treatment. When i recently confronted him about his lies, he attacked me, said my thought process was f*cked up (when i clearly had evidence??), said i needed to leave him alone. IDK if I said this already but when i said to just tell me he wants nothing to do with me he said 'you're a touch ridiculous today'. And when I started to tell him how i was feeling, like why i thought the loss was my fault, he cut me off and started talking about something else...like trying to control the conversation. UGH!

 

It's hard to not take it personally. Was it just me? Is he different with his girlfriend?

[lavenderdove]

I've had close encounters with a narcissist or two before I caught on to what was going on. I think we can indeed be pre-conditioned by our own personal histories to be more vulnerable to them and not have the self protective mechanisms in place to recognize that we shouldn't put up with what they dish out.

 

So they are constantly tossing out hooks looking for people who will provide their narcissistic supply and pamper them/let them get away with some really twisted attitudes towards what relationships are about. In their minds, it is all about them, and your job is to let them 'plug into you' and they will just draw current from you until they bleed you dry, then they are off looking for other sources of supply. They will also go with whomever they see as providing them with the MOST supply, so they can drop in and out of relationships with a blinding speed and are frequently unfaithful and have a history of a host of cheating, financial problems, criminal convictions, divorces, addictions etc. which they pick up along the way as they blaze thru life pursuing more/better for themselves.

 

What helped me the most was when i realized that they absolutely do not think like normal people do and they are 'one way street' type people. In retrospect, when i looked back and tried to analyze how I got 'hooked,' I realized that in the beginning they are quite excited and have an intensity and laser like focus on you (in the beginning) because it is the 'hooking' phase where they are excited to meet and be with someone who is giving them all that good 'juice' or current that they crave to keep them running. But once they've landed you, and their excitement about being with you starts to fade, you start realizing who the real person is.

 

I started analyzing the interactions, and realizing that NONE of what they did showed any real concern for you at all. In fact, they are only interested in you to the point that you are feeding them with supply. So conversations are about their wants, their needs and what is good for you or what you need absolutely does not factor into their equation. They may not even be trying to 'punish' you, they just can't think about anyone else but themselves. They might leap in and show a bit of enthusiasm if they see you're about to cut their supply off (or someone else might steal their supply), but that is about them ensuring their supply continues, not about you per se.

 

The worst narcissist I knew told me something very interesting. He'd been married and divorced several times (and leaving each relationship due to his profligate cheating and constant overspending leading to money problems), and told me that he knew never loved any of his wives the way he 'should' even though he married them. In other words, he basically admitted he can't/doesn't really love anyone (other than himself and his own needs). Each of his wives he married for convenience or money or because he saw it as cheaper to marry them and live with them than not when they got pregnant.

 

And their function was very clearly to keep the home fires burning while he ran around and cheated with anyone who caught his fancy and to provide him with the extra income he needed to pursue his spending sprees. He'd park his wives and kids at home like leaving his luggage at a hotel, and gave them no more thought when he wasn't at home than one would give the staff at a hotel who cooked the meals and cleaned his room for him.

 

So I think if you can really recognize the 'one way street' nature of their attention, it helps you get over them. They don't have the capacity to love and bond that a normal person does, and the primary feeling you get after a while if you're with a narcissist is exhaustion and burnout! He's bled you dry (or close to it), and done absolutely nothing to help you recharge your batteries because he is incapable of love or true connection. He can be exciting when he brings you along for the ride, but you are just a 'thing' to him, and he views you similar to a car he must keep running in order to take him where he wants to go.

 

For me it was a sad moment to really realize that i had a FUNCTION in his life rather than having a true CONNECTION where he valued and cherished me, but the reality is your value to him only goes so far as what he thinks you can do for him. If you are not 'doing' for him he'll just find a replacement, or he'll 'trade up' to someone else if he sees them as providing better supply than you do.

 

So the litmus test in a relationship is whether it is a two-way street and the other person is genuinely concerned about your emotions and feelings and strives to please you and do things for you that aren't in any way connected to 'rewarding' himself. And most narcissists other than very young ones have a troubled history where you see they have left a trail of broken hearts, family problems, kids, financial chaos, drug/alcohol abuse etc. behind them in their quest to find 'better' supply for themselves and to indulge their whims and stimulate themselves.

 

btw, when i say 'he' in this post I am not trying to imply this is a gender/male thing. Just to target it to the OP who was involved with a man. Both genders have their same of narcissists.

[chitown9]

I am thoroughly enjoying this because it resonates exactly what I went through with my N.

He could not tolerate anything that he even came close to any critiisism of him. He was very jealous of others and perceived others of being jealous of him. The silent treatment is a trademark of N s. My N used the silent treatment to punish me because I found out something that he did not want me to know.....like that he had a girlfriend. Well, she was one of his 3 girlfriends while he was married to me, so....what is one more?

 

There is a lot of information on YOUTUBE about the subject of Narcissism. I like the one that is done by Delusion Dispeller of the narcisstic glare. She does it just like my ex used to do it. It was chilling to see, but it was intriguing at the same time. The glare....another technique designed to keep me in line.

 

I try to find the humor in it...but I wish I never had an encounter with him. Can't call it a relationship, as I mentioned in my previous post. chi

[IAmFCA]

Sorry to laugh, but I am remembering my ex's ludicrous response to my chastisement after a series of lies:

 

"I'm not going to be your punching bag!" This was his out when he could find no other.

 

When I approached him level-headed, detached, and prepared to walk away, and characterized his behavior in plainly harsh terms, he would offer no argument. It was his best move; since I was already gone, he had no card to play but being reasonable and pleading human frailty. "I love you." "I think I ended up with two girlfriends. I didn't mean for this to happen." Oh, oops, my bad. I can see how having two girlfriends could happen to anyone.

 

By being reasonable, he kept himself a foot in the door to resume contact later, which he has always done, even as a married man. It is how come No Contact is the only way to resolve it. Any contact feeds the N the attention he (in this instance) craves.

 

This thread is like happy hour!

[IAmFCA]

Sorry to quote such a long post... how else does one say YES to every paragraph? You have described the dynamic exactly.

[IAmFCA]

One of the resources that helped me was reading about High Conflict Disorder Personalities... People who seek out confrontation as an intimacy avoidance technique, emotional manipulation technique, expression of the narcissism, etc. The paradigm through which such a person views the world is difficult to penetrate and change. The scholarly text I found counseled clinicians that High Conflict people are highly resistant to treatment.

 

I believe it.

[Allipie]

By being reasonable, he kept himself a foot in the door to resume contact later, which he has always done, even as a married man. It is how come No Contact is the only way to resolve it. Any contact feeds the N the attention he (in this instance) craves.

 

This thread is like happy hour!

 

YES YES YES!!!! that's why he couldn't tell me he didn't want to have anything to do with me. He still wanted one foot in the door so that he could one day come back (after some time and he thinks ive ''calmed down'') and use me when he needs an ego lift...AGAIN.

 

this thread is like happy hour haha. though im heading out to the gym now. haha ill be back to share stories!

[lavenderdove]

Naricissists will come round again and again and again if you let them, because they are seeking supply and need a constant large amount of it to keep them happy. So you become like a drive thru window where they will drive thru whenever they are hungry so to speak. They grab their bag of goodies, then off they go again and you won't see them until the next time they are hungry.

 

They will only stop coming around if you totally close down (no contact), or if the bag of goodies you hand them isn't what they want at all. It can be hard to get rid of a narcissist because of their willingness to come around again and again, but you need to keep in mind that their coming around has everything to do with their whims and needs of the moment and not any desire to really connect with you or have it be a two way street. They're willing to take a bit of a thrashing from you now and again and just buzz off to someone else for a while, but the next time they get a craving for a nice bag of burgers and fries (whatever it is you offer them as a person), they'll be back again.

 

So it has to be you who draws that boundary that keeps them away. They might disappear permanently if they see it is too hard to deal with you or they set up enough other people to meet all their needs such that they don't need your drive thru anymore.

[IAmFCA]

YES again.

 

So: my current acceptance of my exN's correspondence, even now that it is free of sex at my request... it has been puzzling me why I would accept it from him. And your post nailed it.

 

I know I am feeding him; I know his contact with me gives him some sort of affirmation. It feels easy to me to correspond, no harm no foul. But my smarter self knows for every choice there is a consequence.

 

The consequence here? I am feeding my own need to feel needed. Knowing I am important enough to him that he requires me affirmation is, in turn, an affirmation of my own. I AM the thing I attracted. Of course I am.

 

If I am to break the pattern I am so proud of breaking, then I need to close the door on this email correspondence. Stop feeding him anything. It would appear I need to be needed, and I need to learn that I don't.

 

wow.

[mhowe]

My 2 cents:

 

My encounter with a Naracisstic man:

 

We broke up after a many year relationship due to his cheating. When I ran into him years later, he told me he couldn't get over that I just "walked away" from

the relationship.

 

What? And he was, at that time, living with the woman with whom he cheated on me.

[IAmFCA]

This is like Haiku. "What?" Exactly, yes.

 

My 2 cents:

 

My encounter with a Naracisstic man:

 

We broke up after a many year relationship due to his cheating. When I ran into him years later, he told me he couldn't get over that I just "walked away" from

the relationship.

 

What? And he was, at that time, living with the woman with whom he cheated on me.

[mhowe]

This is like Haiku. "What?" Exactly, yes.

 

I actually was rendered speechless.

[Allipie]

My 2 cents:

 

My encounter with a Naracisstic man:

 

We broke up after a many year relationship due to his cheating. When I ran into him years later, he told me he couldn't get over that I just "walked away" from

the relationship.

 

What? And he was, at that time, living with the woman with whom he cheated on me.

 

OMG. sounds all too familiar.

Mine changed his tune once i called him out on his lies....first (when he was looking for his supply) it was 'i found out my on/off again ex was cheating on me' then it was 'you attacked and went crazy'. Placing blame on ME....yea ok, sorry i was harsh with you while i was in excruciating pain, dizzy from blood loss and hysterical because i was LOSING A BABY. AND sitting in er by myself because his selfish a$$ couldn't be bothered to come with!

 

i did some digging before i had deleted my fb page and found that he was basically 'collecting' other women for his supply for whenever he decides to break up with his gf. It's so sad....im like, is the girl just stupid and not catching on???

[lavenderdove]

>>It would appear I need to be needed, and I need to learn that I don't.

 

Narcissists are attracted to natural caretakers or people who need to be needed like bees to honey. They KNOW you are just out there anxiously waiting to start giving all your goodies to someone who needs you because that is what validates you. I blame my tour thru Narcissistville on having a narcissist father who was also an alcoholic. Many adult children of alcoholics/addicts/narcissist end up partnered with narcissists (at least until they know better) because they were groomed in children to feel their own needs weren't the least bit important and their job and self worth was tied to how well they 'caretook' the narcissist/addict.

 

The big narcissist that i knew who revealed some of his inner logic to me told me he looked for women who were 'self sacrificing and who take good care of me.' So he is specifically looking for that profile, because it means her focus is on his care and feeding and not her own. The problem comes in in that they are truly empty people and bottomless pits of need who will drain someone dry in their quest to get their own way, putting nothing back into the person they are draining. So they are emotional vampires.

 

The hold of the concept vampires appeals to people because is very archetypal... charismatic, exciting, amoral people who live on the edge of danger who may bleed you dry, but who are so charismatic that you think you might be able to tame them! Very exciting in the beginning, extremely dangerous in the end. The vampire is the emotional profile of a narcissist, who will drain your life blood (emotionally, financially) if you let him. You're in essence 'food' for him, and he doesn't see you as an equal or as someone whose needs need to be understand and respected. You (and all your emotional, physical, and financial assets) there for the taking any time he flies into your realm.

 

So how do you stop and break free from one? You recognize that you and the narcissist fit together like a lock and key, but in a way that opens the door to BAD things rather than good things for you. If you want to be needed, take up charity work, or have children, or get a pet, or any number of things that make you feel useful and attached without the risk/danger of getting enmeshed with a narcissist. There is not a narcissist born that has your interests at heart, or anyone's interests other than his own.

 

So next time that married narcissist contacts you and wants to chat, just bring a mental picture of yourself lying down on the bed and opening a vein for him for him to feed on you. He's a parasite, a leech, an emotional vampire who's flown in for a little snack.

 

Don't you have better things to do with your life than feed emotional vampires?

[Allipie]

^^^^ true x100. Im very self sacrificing and thats why he stuck around bc he knew that id ALWAYS be there. I had a friend point that out a couple weeks ago too.

Youre right. They ARE emotional vampires!

[Brotherhood67]

Once again, thank you for sharing this with us Lavender.

 

Coming from my own experience, I can't agree more with what is described here.

 

When I met my ex-wife, I was a mess. Litteraly. It happened almost 3 months after a significant break-up with a girl I loved and who was also suicidal. After spending almost 2 years with her, helping her, feeling miserable, depressed and overcaring for her whenever she cut her wrists, I finally broke her with her, exhausted and guilty because i was not able to go on with her without losing my sanity.

 

So in this state of mind, I met my ex-wife. Our first 6 months were incredible, at least from my POV, because she helped me tremendously with my self-esteem. In some ways, I was so thankful for having her that I could have done anything for her. This was the first step, when she was looking for her supply.

 

After 1 year, she cheated on me with some married janitor almost 15 years older than her who asked her out to try out his new bike... I discovered it because something was off in her behaviour. I confronted her. She denied everything, of course. I went on. And she confessed. I was stunned. Sad. Incredibly sad. And to be fair, she didn't show much remorse, in retrospect. She was mostly ashamed because I discovered the truth. She didn't apologize. She simply said that she wanted to go on with me. I accepted, like a fool.

 

And after this event, her narcissistic traits began to show more and more after each day. Like an imbecile, with low self-esteem, I quickly concluded that I needed to be "better" in order to keep her. To spend more, to look for a career path which could give us the opportunity to stay together. Not a career path that I wanted to follow per se. And months after months, years after years, I took care of everything, I began to behave like a doormat. Almost like someone who was ashamed of this cheating, although she was the one who cheated on me ! And she spent and spent a ton of money on clothes, jewelry and bags. Without paying for it. She used me, always using the same technique : showing me what she wanted and insisting on how it "would please her to have it". She never asked anything directly but the result was always the same : I bought it for her and gave it to her as a present...

 

And then, after 4 years, I spent one year unemployed, desperately looking for a job. I was so afraid of losing her ! Finding a job became an obsession, I couldn't sleep anymore and felt guilty because I wasn't able to provide anymore for this narcissistic woman ! She wanted to go on a vacation somewhere (without paying, this goes without saying...) and I just couldn't do it, I was broke. Result : she found some guy and went on a vacation with him, a rich kid from my hometown. Firstly "as a friend". And then as a lover, of course.

 

Same scenario, I discovered it, confronted her. She was furious, once again. And I began to feel even more guilty for not being able to provide. And she returned the situation to her advantage : the cheater who is easily forgiven by her foolish lover... She had all her options open : she could do anything she wanted with me, i simply went on. Feeling more and more guilty, and more and more as an accessory and not someone she truly cared about.

 

I think that I knew all of this in my brain but my heart wasn't able to see straight... And she finally found someone else, someone to suck more life from, because I was dry. And she left, without showing remorse, without feeling anything for me, by cheating once again and lying once again, just like she probably did a lot more when I was away and looking for a career...

 

And she finally showed me were she really thought I belonged : the garbage bin. Just beside all of her used clothes, jewelry and bags. An accessory to her life. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I learned a lot from this story. And can't stress enough how Lavender is right about those narcissistic persons : they are little children, immature, selfish and downright incapable of feeling anything for others. So thank god about getting rid of him !!!

 

EDIT : It's the first time that I write all of this. I simply read it a second time. I was so blind back then...

[Brotherhood67]

My 2 cents:

 

My encounter with a Naracisstic man:

 

We broke up after a many year relationship due to his cheating. When I ran into him years later, he told me he couldn't get over that I just "walked away" from

the relationship.

 

What? And he was, at that time, living with the woman with whom he cheated on me.

 

How could you even dare to leave a narcissist ? My GOD ! You should feel ashamed !!! ;-)

 

Sad, but I'm pretty sure that's his reasoning...

[mhowe]

Much like your ex wife...he liked my lifestyle... Read $$.,Unlike you guys, we weren't married and he had no access to my $ without my "consent".

[Brotherhood67]

Much like your ex wife...he liked my lifestyle... Read $$.,Unlike you guys, we weren't married and he had no access to my $ without my "consent".

 

Well, she had no access to my $... I willingly gave her all of those gifts, $ etc.

 

That's why I now feel like such an a$$ !

[Allipie]

Question:

When theyre on their way out...decided theyre done (for now) with a person, will they still continue to show "love and affection" to them while looking for new victims?

[reinventmyself]

Great posts everyone. I am wondering--did your Ns accuse YOU of being the one with all of those traits? Selfishness... Not taking responsibility etc etc? Twisting everything they did into somehow an entirely different thing that they were now going to punish you for with a rash of push me pull you behaviour? Did you start to doubt your ability to perceive reality? It makes it hard to walk away when you are being told you are completely over reacting -and being unreasonable and these incidents either didn't happen or were entirely less dramatic then they felt. Crazy making stuff that can leave one immobilized...

 

Projection and gas lighting . . Yep.

They are so much more comfortable watching you wear the very things they hate about themselves but aren't able to own. They lack insight because it's way too scary for them.

It's becomes subtle and insidious.

I was married to one for 16 years and lost myself.

Only to get involved with another one years later. At least I caught it much earlier the second time and yes they can be so charming in the beginning.

A great tool is when someone is that charming and trying to `fast forward' the relationship. . sweep you off your feet. .

They are likely doing so so that you will fall for them and fall hard before they show you who they really are. By then you're hooked.

Thought I had learned my lesson. . I guess I needed to learn it again

[IAmFCA]

Of course! Why wouldn't they?

 

Question:

When theyre on their way out...decided theyre done (for now) with a person, will they still continue to show "love and affection" to them while looking for new victims?