He broke up with me, made excuses, and now he's seeing someone new

[goldenbaby]

This might get a bit long, but bear with me.

 

I was together with my ex for half a year (he was my very first), and then suddenly after the summer he broke up with me. He told me it was because he didn't want a relationship and that he wanted to be young and careless. I was heartbroken, and stayed talking to him for hours and crying. At last he hesitantly said he wanted to take a break instead.

 

We later decided on a month and that we weren't going to see others, and after the time was up he had already admitted he didn't love me anymore. I had realised that he wasn't ready for a relationship, like he had previously said, and once we talked, we broke up, despite me having feelings for him still. He had said things like "I'll probably want you back; it's usually like that.", "We will probably not work out." at the very start of our break. It felt as though he took me for granted. And I found out only recently that he cheated on me with another girl during our break.

 

Same week as we broke up, on a party, he was intimate with a girl in front of me, despite me being there, which felt so disrespectful towards me and my feelings. He apologised later, but still.

 

Now, only 1-2 months after our breakup he found someone new; I was upset and asked him why, since he had earlier said that he didn't want a relationship. He explained that he didn't even know if they'd end up yogether, and said that he thought that our relationship had gone too fast, and that was the reason for our breakup. But now I've found out that they're boyfriend and girlfriend, and it hasn't even gone more than 1 month and he has met her parents, and she's coming to visit him for New Years. It took him 5 months to meet my parents. I just don't understand. Everything he does and says is contradicting. I don't know what to make of this? I am already making progress, getting over him, and I realise that he's a cheating , and have told him off, saying I want nothing to do with him... but I still feel hurt and confused. Him finding a new girlfriend so quickly hurts.

 

What do you make of this? Sorry it became so longwinded, but there are so many details.

[Twidom]

Oh honey I'm terribly sorry you fell for someone like that. The guy is a tool. Nothing but problem, lies and false promises...

 

He's just lying to you to make you stick around. He doesn't care about you. He just wants to hook up and be alone. Stay away from him

[Kendahke]

Yeah, he's a tool and a liar.

 

I dare say that they were dealing with one another while you and he were going through your rough time around the break up/break period. What may seem sudden is because your'e just finding out about it--this may have been in the works since the end of summer.

 

Well, he's her lying problem now. Leopards don't change their spots. In the meantime, you've got to get through your heartache in order to come out the other side, so try to spend as little time dwelling on this as you can. Easier said than done, I know. But although you may not realize it right now, you're in a far better place not having a deceptive cur in your life.

[goldenbaby]

Thank you for your support, Twidom and Kendahke! It means alot! I do realise he's a complete jerk and liar (feels like he never really was honest with me)... yet it still hurts to find out about these things. I thought I knew him, but apparently not. We attend the same courses at Uni, so I see him everyday... it was hard in the beginning, but I believe it has made me stronger. I can mostly look at him nowadays and feel rather indifferent... so I hope I'll reach that point of complete indifference towards all his actions sometime soon.

 

I actually know for a fact that they only met about 2 months ago, through an acquaintance, and he was far too busy arranging the welcoming-weeks for the new students in our program during the first weeks of the start of the new term. I also thought that he just wanted to sleep around, but now he got himself a new relationship in a matter of months... it doesn't make sense. He doesn't make sense.

 

Though, I would no longer be surprised if he had done more of that during our relationship... I told him once that I knew that he never would be unfaithful. His father cheated on his mother, so I would've thought that he wouldn't do the same mistake, but I was mistaken.

[QWit]

Agree with him being a tool..

[Ms Darcy]

I think he tried to end it with you but the crying made him feel bad ... introducing the lying. It was not ok to lie and cheat no doubt. I do think he was not happy in the relationship. Also if someone leaves I assume it is because they are not happy in the relationship. It is not honest to say that they don't want a relationship. Of course they do eventually ... it is just a question of how long.

 

If someone asks for a break ... it is just a break up.

[goldenbaby]

Yeah, when we broke up I told him that he shouldn't have taken a break if he didnt want me anymore. He actually said that he felt bad for me, since I was crying, but that he also had had some feelings left for me. I don't know how much of that was true though.

 

I'm just shocked at how quickly he got himself a girlfriend... I'm his second girlfriend ever, and he was together for a couple of months with his first one, almost 4 years ago. A girl which he kind of lied about as well... he told me that she was the one who broke up with him, but it was the other way around. He broke up with her, and when they got together again, she was the one who ended it. I think that's why he said "I'll probably want you back; it's usually like that."

 

The thing at the start of the term, welcoming the new students, is a thing here in Sweden. People are members in a so called "Fadderi", and arrange activities during the first weeks. He was a member in one of those. It's a big thing, but stressful, and it's kind of cool to have been chosen. Before these weeks everything seemed to be just fine... he was loving towards me.

It was when we met up for the first time after these weeks that he broke up with me, and then resorted to a break. I'm wondering if this thing got to his head... the first two girls that I wrote about was new students. Is it possible that he wanted to take the opportunity to get with other girls just because they thought he was cool? He wasn't like this earlier, last year, before our relationship...

 

Am I overthinking this? When we broke up, all I wanted was an honest explanation so that I could be at peace, but he never gave me a legitimate one... is it just easier to let it go..?

[MisSunny]

Am I overthinking this? When we broke up, all I wanted was an honest explanation so that I could be at peace, but he never gave me a legitimate one... is it just easier to let it go..?

 

Are you over thinking it? Yes, most likely. But that's really common right after a break-up; it's even common for months after. However, you really can't dwell on the maybes, or the could have beens. You have to focus on what IS. And what IS right now is that you're single and hurt. Try to focus on yourself. Do think that make you happy just because they DO make you happy. Not only will these things make you happier, but they will also serve as a good distraction from the maybes. c:

 

Also, try to be around him and his new girl as little as possible. That includes social media, and asking for details about them from mutual friends. It's really hard to heal when you keep picking at the scab... Trust me, I'd know.

[goldenbaby]

Thank you! c:

 

I've already removed him as a friend on facebook, but I made the mistake of looking his new girlfriend up on facebook... I felt sickened, and I started crying. I feel like he's moving way too fast with her... But I know he's not the greatest guy, so I shouldn't be sorry. I've only just now realised his flaws; he's too spontaneous, immature, selfish (didn't remember my birthday and never visited my hometown), a cheater and a coward.

 

I should be glad that we're no longer together, right? Thanks to all of you who posted! I really needed to talk about it.

[No1]

Did you want him to be honest with you? Before you say yes, you cried after he broke up with you so that he wouldnt break up with you. So he told you what you wanted to hear not the truth. He told you he didnt want to see anyone because that would leave a door open for you to come back to. In reality he had no intention of coming back. He lied to you so that he was the bad guy because that is what you needed.

[goldenbaby]

I cried because I was devastated, not to manipulate him into not breaking up with me. He was the one who told me not to leave that day, but to stay and talk to him. When he said he wanted to take a break instead, I asked him "Are you sure?" because I didn't want him to do it out of sympathy. I gave him a chance to back out.

 

The point of the break was for us to think about what we wanted, and then talk it out and discuss it later on. I admit that he might've thought he was telling me what I wanted to hear. But I wanted to know why he broke up with me. I wanted closure so that I could move on. If it was because of me, then fine; it might've hurt, but I'd rather have him be honest with me.

 

If he had been honest with me (shown me at least a little respect), there might've been a chance for us to still be civil towards each other. Nowadays we're like strangers, despite seeing each other at Uni almost every day.

 

Don't get me wrong though, I believe you have a point, that he wanted to make it easier for me... it's very much possible that's the case. But I'll never know now, since we don't talk to each other anymore, and I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore.

[No1]

Which would you rather hear, I broke up with you because I need time for myself and find out I was lying or I broke with you because Im not attracted to you and I think you are fat? (just using an example)

[goldenbaby]

I don't need anyone to handle me with silk gloves. This was a person I spent half a year with, and I simply wanted to know the truth behind why he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Whether or not it was because he no longer found me attractive. The truth doesn't have to be phrased as harsh as your example (me being fat).

 

The alternatives aren't constricted to being "the cold hard truth" or a lie. He could've told me the truth as gentle as he could. Admittedly, either way I would've been hurt (and I ended up getting hurt because of his lies), but I would've preferred the truth. As I said; it would've given me closure at a much faster rate.

 

Also, this isn't a game of "would you rather", so I don't understand what you're trying to get at. I've already said that I wanted the truth.

[Grissum71]

He will truly see what he is missing eventually.. give it time, while that's happening take time for yourself to heal

[Ms Darcy]

If he had been honest with me (shown me at least a little respect), there might've been a chance for us to still be civil towards each other. Nowadays we're like strangers, despite seeing each other at Uni almost every day.

 

Don't get me wrong though, I believe you have a point, that he wanted to make it easier for me... it's very much possible that's the case. But I'll never know now, since we don't talk to each other anymore, and I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore.

 

I think No1 makes a very important point. And I do think the end of relationships often boils down to attraction. Attraction could have ended for any number of reasons but if it was due to lack of physical attraction, I don't think there is any way he could have told you that in a way that wouldn't have been incredibly painful ... especially since he has another girlfriend.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with your reaction. But I think you should recognize that most folks can't look you in the eye and tell you attraction is gone when you are crying. Why kick you while down? Lying isn't good, but it's hard to tell the truth while being vague too when the situation becomes very emotional.

[goldenbaby]

I appreciate all of your replies. Thank you for taking your time to respond! Thank you Grissum71 for your support! I hope I'll heal soon enough.

 

Ms Darcy, despite me responding to No1 about his example about lack of attraction, I don't think that was the cause. He mentioned to me during our break that he still found me attractive (the word he actually used was "sexy")... So I don't know.

 

I can understand that it'd be hard to tell someone something like that when it's an emotional situation... I haven't been in that situation myself, admittedly, so I can't really say that I know how it feels, but I can imagine. I also know that it wasn't easy for him to break up with me. He told me that it was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

 

To be honest, I felt as though he didn't appreciate or find me good enough after he'd been in this so called "Fadderi". It felt as if he wanted to test other waters. But that's just a feeling, not fact.

 

I have established No Contact with this guy after I found out about his cheating, and I hope I will completely move on soon enough. I should just stop thinking about "why's" and "what if's".

I will be part of the next year's "Fadderi" so I will have that to occupy my mind. c:

[Ms Darcy]

Hmm, well if he didn't find you "good enough" and then found a replacement, then that's an attraction issue (not necessarily physical but emotional).

 

Regardless, you are well rid of him. You don't want someone who would cheat on you and leave you for the next good thing. I'm sorry for your pain.

[shelty24]

Hun this is a good thing. You will learn a lot of lessons from this

 

1 he is not that into you if he has no interest in you meeting his family (i met my bfs mum after 3weeks and 5years later we are still together)

 

2 if someone breaks up with you-its over. Never agree to a break again. Hes just creating more distance so its easier to officially dump you a month later

 

3 if a guy dumps you for someone else or coz he wants to sleep around-then he was never relationship material to begin with

 

I know its hard and it hurts but you have dodged a bullet here and your worth more.

 

Also the first 6-12 months is the honeymoon period. Most relationships fail during this time because you are not compatable. Its not your fault and you need to set your standards high so you can meet someone you are compatable with

[goldenbaby]

Thank you both!

 

I did indeed learn alot from this, and even though I was hurt in the end, I don't regret our relationship. Things were good up until that 6th month. Though we didn't even celebrate our 6 months since he was too busy, and we were going to celebrate afterwards. But the first thing he did afterwards was to break up with me. He told me later on that he thought it unnecessary to celebrate things like that... But I just wanted to do something special for the two of us...

 

I suppose things did go quite fast in the beginning, even though I had known him for months when we started dating. I genuinely believe he's not ready for a relationship, yet he launches right into a new one. But it's his life, and I can't tell him how to live it. I don't know for sure how it'll end up, anyway. I'm not naive enough to think that they definitely not will become a lasting couple, and I don't want to delude myself and then bawl my eyes out if I find out I was wrong. Mentally, I'm trying to be ready for anything.

 

I'm friends with two of his good friends and I've spoken with them. One of them said that my ex didn't think it through when he went into a relationship with me (which is why I call him too spontaneous) and isn't mature enough to handle a relationship quite yet. The other one said he was surprised when he first found out that my ex had gotten into a relationship (with me); he said that it wasn't like my ex to do that, and that he didn't think that he was ready for something serious as a relationship. They probably know him better than me, and I feel like there are some points in what they said.

 

Also, even if he got himself a new girlfriend he recently spoke to the girl that he cheated on me with, saying "You should stay away from me, or else I might not be able to resist." even though she regrets doing anything with him in the first place, since she didn't know about me. It was via my friend, who is friend's with her, that I even found out about the cheating. She didn't want me to know who she was, because she was too ashamed. But I don't blame her; he lied to the both of us.

So what's to say he won't cheat on this new girl? He doesn't seem to be able to control himself.

 

I will definitely set my standards higher, thank you! I hope that someday someone with the same values as me and someone more compatible comes along.

 

I'm sorry if my posts gets longwinded... it feels good to write it all out, and I come to realise things along the way. I've only been on this forum for 2 days, but reading other people's posts, I get inspired to get up on my feet and forget all about my ex.

[shelty24]

Good for you. My first bf cheated on me when I was 17 and I am grateful it happened. It proved to me I am a strong person as I got over it and him pretty quickly, I have high self esteem and ensured I never allow myself to be treated bad by anyone. I have set my standards v high, know what I want and what I am worth and keep my eyes wide open for red flags.

 

You will look back in a few months and think "what the hell did I see in him" and the next guy will be 100x better

 

he will get his karma-my ex did-they always do and you will move on and be happy coz you deserve to be

 

screw him. You can do so much better. Start believing it. Move on and never look back. No second chances for tools like him

[goldenbaby]

That's really reassuring, shelty! Thanks! I look forward to what the future has to offer.

 

I forgave all the actions he did beforehand that hurt me and I just made excuses for him, because I still wanted to have him around in my life... but when I found out about the cheating I realised that I shouldn't let him trample all over me, and disrespect me. I wanted him to know that it was not okay, and that he could. I wouldn't want him around anyway; me and my feelings wasn't worth more than a one night stand to him.

 

I'm listening to Kate Earl's "You can't treat me that way" and suddenly I really feel like I can relate. No one should ever put up with getting treated this badly by their partner or anyone.

[Asunder]

Yeah I'm going through the same thing right now. My ex of two years tells me things on what's going on, but evidence suggests the contrary. There's not much I can say to help, as I'm still in mourning myself. But just leave it be. Don't go digging for things you know will just rip you in half, as I have done. Do as much as possible to keep yourself busy. Focus on building yourself. You'll meet someone who is more or less on the same direction as you, and that makes for a more stable relationship. Hope you feel better soon.

[goldenbaby]

It feels as though I know almost everything now, though... except for the reason why. The lies on their own hurt alot, but to find out that he had lied to me hurt even more; did I not deserve a proper explanation? But as time goes, I become numb towards the truths and facts... I kind of accept what happened and move on.

Until then I'm occupying myself with what I enjoy and try to become a better person overall.

Also, my heart goes out to you! I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I hope you'll feel better soon too!

[Asunder]

You know, maybe he just lost interest in you. My ex girlfriend left because of my lack in ambition, which I had when I first met her. I was too distracted by her. All the important things she told me to do, I kind of forgot about them because I was too busy being with her. She just lost interest over that. It's a very tough fact some people have to deal with. One day you're inseparable, couple days later, he wants nothing to do with you. I know your pain. I'm sorry about your situation. You'll heal in due time.

[Ms Darcy]

It feels as though I know almost everything now, though... except for the reason why. The lies on their own hurt alot, but to find out that he had lied to me hurt even more; did I not deserve a proper explanation? But as time goes, I become numb towards the truths and facts... I kind of accept what happened and move on.

 

I think you know why too. He lost interest. Simple as that. It's not about something you did one day or one moment you can point to. Even he may not know it in that much detail. It's really about him feeling like another woman would be better with him.

 

Dumpees always want a "proper" explanation ... according to whom? There is not much he could say to really satisfy you because in the end he is not with you anymore. Don't torture yourself with wondering about this.

 

I wouldn't worry about why. You want a man who is confident about you.