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Looking for advice about long term engagement


technic6490

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Hi, I'm new here and wasn't sure where else to go. I'm 23 and my fiancé is 21 and we got engaged in August. I'm working and she's going to school for a bachelor's degree in AG but due to the fact she has adhd she can only take a few classes and she won't get her degree for another 6 to 8 years. She was raised Catholic and doesn't believe in sex before marriage, and she doesn't want to get married while in school. I love her to death and can't imagine anyone else but I don't want to wait another 6 years to have sex. I guess we fool around a little but it always ends with me having to take care of myself while she goes to sleep. She usually complains because I'm the one who initiates stuff in bed. I'd have to say we do it a couple times a week when she's at my house but if I didn't do anything it'd probably be more like once a month before she'd want to do anything. I haven't ever seen her completely naked yet in the two years we've been together. Does anyone have any advice? I don't know if my feelings about this are normal or if I'm being selfish..

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If the main reason you want to marry this woman is to finally be able to have sex with her, then you need to rethink getting married.. All your post is focused on is sex.. That's not the mindset you need to have when entering a marriage (because obiviously marriage is more than sex).. So my advice to you is to respect that she doesn't want to have pre-marital sex because if you love her, her not wanting to have pre-martial sex wouldn't be the biggest concern for you. Oh, and, yes,you are being selfish..

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Getting married for sexual access is not a good reason. You are looking at marrying someone for a lifetime, for better or for worse. What will you do if she is not into sex while she is married to you? Or will you still stay married to her if some traumatic accident happens where she is unable to have sex?

 

I have been engaged for 3 years and wouldn't recommend it. Im at yhe point where I just want to get it over with after wait for so li g lol. You are either sure you want to marry her or not. And since she is 21, people around that age typically change and have different life goals. I'm near 30 and I am a completely different person now than I was at 21 or even 23.

 

And if she is a true catholic, she should not be fooling around. In turn she us sending you a frustrating, mixed message to you that will cause severe problems in your relationship. She's either going to do it or she's not... with NO pressure.

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This is what you signed on for by dating a woman who is not interested in sex before marriage. Not much you can do about that. Although I am confused about why ADHD would make a 4-year-degree take 8 years. Does she take medication? And why can't she get married while in school, if it's going to take 8 years?

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Although I am confused about why ADHD would make a 4-year-degree take 8 years. Does she take medication? And why can't she get married while in school, if it's going to take 8 years?

It depends on the severity of the disability. Maybe she cannot manage her time or organize her assignments. Perhaps she switched majors. She might not be able to get medication because of healthcare costs (going to see a therapist, be placed on a wait list, etc).

 

I grew up with ADHD and it too me 5 years to graduate. I switched majors and worked during school. I did it without medication, but I wish I hadn't because I would of had better grades.

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Nope, it is an unrealistic expectation to expect you to be engaged and go without sex for the next 6-8 years. Going to school and getting married don't have to be mutually exclusive. In fact, nowadays the majority of students are actually adults going to school and working (and living normal lives married etc.) rather than people 18-22.

 

You are in the prime time of your life to enjoy life and date other people and find an appropriate partner to marry. So I suggest that is what you do. Her expectations are unreasonable given you are a healthy young man, and sex is a healthy part of life. You just shouldn't get engaged unless she is willing to actually marry you or have a sexual relationship with you. She is willing to do neither, so I suggest you find someone else.

 

I'd also be afraid if she has this 'no sex' attitude that she might also secretly fear sex or not like it or have some kind of hang ups. You don't want to marry and discover that she'll tell you sex is only for procreation and then once she has a couple kids, that's the end of your sex life again.

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  • 8 months later...

Haven't been on in awhile, no I'm not marrying her just for sex, I do want to marry her so we can spend our lives together. We've figured out a few things so I think we'll be getting married in a couple years now between her associates and bachelors degree. The next thing we're trying to figure out is how we're going to live as a couple since my work and her school will be an hour and a half apart. The closest we could get to splitting the commute would be 40 minutes each way on the highway and my trucks fuel mileage is going to kill me. Does anyone have experience living apart for a few years while married?

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We've figured out a few things so I think we'll be getting married in a couple years now between her associates and bachelors degree.

Speaking as a current grad school student, I strongly recommend you both wait until you are out of school AND each have a career. Here are the reasons:

 

1. It is harder to qualify for financial aid if you are married because yours and your spouse's salaries are combined. It's why I am getting married toward the end of my graduate studies!

2. Student loans -- both yours AND hers -- will now be tied to your credit history. What do you do when your spouse doesn't have a job after graduation OR finds a job that pays minimum/crappy wage, and can't afford to pay back the monthly payments of her student loans? Her student loan debt ultimately becomes yours or your credit history deteriorates.

3. Divorce rates are mainly based on financial stability.

4. Between school work and internships, she will be too busy to meet the needs of a marriage. I already got small comments from my fiance of how I am "too busy" for intimacy. Unless you both have been together for so long (for me, it's 10 years), that is not how you will want to start off your marriage.

 

The next thing we're trying to figure out is how we're going to live as a couple since my work and her school will be an hour and a half apart. The closest we could get to splitting the commute would be 40 minutes each way on the highway and my trucks fuel mileage is going to kill me.

40 minutes is nothing, though I feel your pain on the gas. That time is around the average commuting time of most people. I spend around 40 minutes one way commuting to work while driving a Mustang. My fiance spends around the same time (if not more) in traffic while driving a RX-8.

 

That is a huge issue I am also working out in my own relationship with my fiance before my wedding.

 

Him Lives one state away from me and his job is two states away from my home. Lives with a roommate because housing in the area is expensive.

Me My grad school is in the state I live in and I am 1 year away from graduating. My work commute ranges from 15 mins - 50 mins depending on where I get called in. I live with parents because I don't make enough to live off my salary.

 

Solution Because of grad school, my fiance is currently applying for jobs in my area and has agreed to move in with my parents temporarily by the time we're married. We are looking at getting our own place once I am done with school OR if his job salary can support the two of us. The field of studying in has a large job market.

 

Honestly, it is not uncommon for a person to resign from their jobs because of marriage or a spouse having to relocate for another job. That is a call you may need to make. But since you are only looking at long-term engagement, I wouldn't stress about it yet.

 

Does anyone have experience living apart for a few years while married?

Even though I have been in an LDR with my fiance several times, I told him that living separately while married is a major deal-breaker with me and I refuse to marry. That was what prompted him into applying for jobs near my area. I know a friend who has lived LDR and was married... their marriage didn't last because their physical intimacy needs were not met. I do not want the same thing to happen to me.

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