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My girl of 5 years started breaking up with me about 3 months ago. It was torture for me as we would split, get back together, a short break is all i need, now its a break up. I refused to commit to her, lied about it and basically strung her along.

After doing all the wrong things the first couple of months, begging, crying, text barrage, etc and pushing a break into a break up, I finally calmed down and collected myself somewhat. she said she wanted to try new relationships and we were done. She wanted us to be friends and stay in touch. Me, like a dumb ass, said ok. Hey a little bit is better then nothing right? WRONG!! she would answer my texts when she felt like it, blow me off, and basically treat me like a doormat. At least I started to feel like a doormat. After a few weeks of this she agreed to meet me for coffee. I had stopped all the begging, got myself together, somewhat, and said we can just talk.

We met for coffee at a crowded shop. we had not seen each other for about a month. We never talked about the relationship.we sat close, had to, and it was like we had just met. It was amazing! We were nervous, we held hands and stared into each others eyes. I kept it short and kissed her and gave her a long hug as she left. She texted me to tell me she loved me and walked all the way home ,and felt like she was walking on air. I shouted YES! at the top of my lungs on a crowded train platform i was so happy!

I think we all know what happens next I waited and called her two days later . I asked her to meet me for a short lunch. She said no. She had thought about it and dosn't want to see me again. I had already told her i was committed to her and the willing to make the changes both her and i want. And I am! she said she would just feel like she was going backwards seeing me. I said ok, I understand (I dont) and told her i respect her feelings. I said i really love her so i have to let her go. I told her not to call me or text me or communicate in any way. (first time I did this) I said its not to hurt or punish you but its for my own mental health. she was upset, she said wow that sucks, I cant say hi? I said no. text or call if you have a change of heart. She said ok. that was 4 days ago. its christmas eve. Im in so much pain! I want to text her. god, next is new years eve when my mind will go nuts. i need some support here, please help i want to stay strong and not contact her. ps I did the nc to try and get her back. i figure if it wont work at least i can heal.

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I really hope writing all that out helps you...when you read it back, do you see some of the mistakes you've made? Love doesn't have to be messy....this is a wonderful learning experience. One day, because of this mess you've had here, you will treat your next relationship with respect...you will give your partner your whole heart from the get go and not engage in this kinda stuff. In many ways, I see this as a wonderful opportunity for you...I personally see heartbreak as like a right of passage in this life...it brings a lot of perspective when you are able to reflect later...the bridge is burned, and your prize is a FRESH START. Don't mess up that fresh start! Don't call her!

 

We are here to support you. The holidays are a hard time to go through change, you are a strong, you can do it!!!

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One of my friends at 18 gave me the best advice I ever received...after I broke up with my bf of 3 years and loved him and wanted him back. She said "give it a month...then see how you feel". Retrospectively, best advice I've ever received. A month of NC will offer a LOT of perspective. I'm sorry but you are not thinking clearly...heartbreak is like being drunk...you are so swept up with emotions and withdrawal you can't think logically...give it a month and then seriously reevaluate whether you truly want to be together. If at that time you still do, consider reaching out...but come back here and talk about it first.

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Maybe you DO have a shot...who knows. If you'd like to find out, maybe you could write her a one page letter with your feelings. Tell her what you want. Ask her yes or not, ask her to respond in a letter back to you. But don't see each other...that evokes too much emotion in my mind...but to be honest I still think month wait is better.

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a bit of advice for you:

 

NC is not used to manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do. NC is for taking time and space to heal your own heart and stop ripping the wound over by constant contact with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

You using it as a way of manipulating her into contacting you has backfired because, as my signature states:

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and just like everybody else going thru this....i probably just want to hear " hey you still got a shot"

 

To tell you that would be to give you false hope and that is not productive, nor is it wise. It's cruel, actually when we don't know from her how your actions impacted her. Clearly, they impacted her to the point where she thought better of letting you back in. 5 years is a long time to spend dashing a young lady's hopes of your heart. The damage done is probably irreparable.

 

Always, always treat people the way you want to be treated because one day, you will be treated the way you treat them.

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Im very emotional now. But im also very intelligent. I know I cant MAKE anyone do anything. I dont see it as manipulative. I see it as a tool. A tool that can give us both a better perspective of what we want and how to get it. Its not some vulcan mind meld. And not omly that, it gets me away from the source of the pain. I see it as not an end all or hail mary pass but as a win win.

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AT the end of the day, she isn't falling for it. She's moved on. You can't treat a young lady badly for 5 years and think you can escape unscathed. This is called Karma landing on your head. All actions have consequences and you have to face the consequences of actions you willingly and willfully chose to indulge. You say you're "emotional"... well, how do you think she was feeling when you were lying to her, stringing her along and refusing to be what she needed?

 

You're right--you can't make anyone do anything--and using NC as a means to hook her back in is the best illustration of that.

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wow, you have made alot of assumptions and judgements on two people you know ABSOULTLY NOTHING ABOUT except what you read in about three paragraphs. You need to come down from you pedestal. stop being so judgemental and offer some real advice. You dont know me nor do you know the "young lady" you dont even know what the committment was, how and why i strung her along, and her part it. You seem to just sit on your mountain top and pass judgment. well thank you, but no thanks!

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wow, you have made alot of assumptions and judgements on two people you know ABSOULTLY NOTHING ABOUT except what you read in about three paragraphs. You need to come down from you pedestal. stop being so judgemental and offer some real advice. You dont know me nor do you know the "young lady" you dont even know what the committment was, how and why i strung her along, and her part it. You seem to just sit on your mountain top and pass judgment. well thank you, but no thanks!

 

We're judging by what you told us. You're the one who made a bad image of yourself.

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agreed, i am implicit in this. That post was directed at the "Platinum" member who seems to have let that title go to her head. I am open to constructive criticism. we both made mistakes in this relationship. how can you cover 5 years in a post? I do understand what i did wrong and what needs to be corrected. Id like to do that with this girl but im a realist. The damage might be done. The last thing i need, or want, to hear is someone pontificating

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It sounds like you made some serious mistakes but we all do. The damage is done and you at least tried to make amends. Honestly you just have to put it behind you as difficult as it will be. I think the suggestion to wait a month is a good one. You will just have to be mentally tough. That is what getting over a breakup requires. The holidays are especially bad so if you make it through the next week then it will only get easier from there. Take it one day at a time but give her space. If she really wants to be with you then she will give you another chance - if not then you will be in a better position to make the right choices in your next relationship.

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wow, you have made alot of assumptions and judgements on two people you know ABSOULTLY NOTHING ABOUT except what you read in about three paragraphs. You need to come down from you pedestal. stop being so judgemental and offer some real advice. You dont know me nor do you know the "young lady" you dont even know what the committment was, how and why i strung her along, and her part it. You seem to just sit on your mountain top and pass judgment. well thank you, but no thanks!

 

I don't need to know you. I know enough from what you've written to arrive at the conclusions I've come to. I assumed nothing. Human nature is plain enough. I went strictly by what you wrote and what you wrote indicted you. It was enough.

 

No. 5 years is still 5 years and in all that time, not once did you open up a can of "act right"---if you had, she probably would be with you right now. She isn't, is she?

 

One doesn't need to know all the gory details to know how this sad tale was going to end. When you treat people badly, that karma comes back around and lands on your head. That is a fact of life, little man, that you need to wrap your head around. Perhaps it will save the next relationship you get into.

 

Yeah, my horse is high when it comes to people who have crushed someone else under foot repeatedly for 5 years and think they should not face the consequences of their actions.

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