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Wants to be good good friends forever???


amerie

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Hi All,

My story is a long one but I shall make it as short as possible. My Husband decided he was leaving me in August (we have no children), he is almost 50, I am 37. we are together just over 8 years and own our house together. We said we would live together until we got the finances sorted out. He finished our relationship in the beginning of August a week later we talked (he is in a bad place for a while very negative), so he siad he would try counselling. A week later we had a row and we finishe again, I went away for 2 weeks to Portugal and he was upset that I was gone. We talked when I got back and he said we should go to counsellin, in the meantime I decided to go for myself.

After 3/4 weeks I asked if he had organised the counselling for us but he hadn't he figured that it was too late for us and that our relationship was over. After a couple of weeks I decided that it was too much to be living together so I asked him to move out, he went to stay at his isters and after 3 days came back saying he had tiome to think and he realises how badly he has treated me and how negative he had been over ebverything, money the relationship etc.., he said he wanted to fix things but he needed to start counselling for himself first and then we would try as a couple. I told him I was afraid that it was his life, house dogs etc that he was missing and not me and that he couldn't move back in.

He found an apartment and moved in, we met once in a while and he still was saying he wanted to fix things but he wasn't showing any of this just words, then we said we needed time apart properly to see how we both felt. we both said that we missed each other, any time there was contact it was him texting or ringing me as I was wanting him to do any of the running seems it was him who was finishing not finishing us..,This is now 10 weeks since he moved out he is with his new counsellor and he called in last week to say he can't do any of it anymore, he feels he has nothing in him to give me, I would be happier without him but he still wants me to be part of his life, to meet his grandkids (they are home for christmas twins babies).

I have tried to go totally no contact but with the house and such it's hard, I have not rang or spoken to him since he broke my heart yet again. I met him uptown with 2 of his sons and had to say hello to the sons as they were home for Christmas, I couldn't look at my ex, so all of the converstaion was directed at the kids. Then last week I sent a Christmas card - it was aplain card with I hope Christmas finds you happy, behind it all he has been down for so long that I just want him to be him and to be happy again, so I sent this card because it was how I felt. He then texted saying thank you. When I arrived home last night there was a card from him to me and in it he wrote I hope you can forgive me and we can be good good friends forever xxx. How in Gods name can we be friends after what he put me through? Is it possible?

I will be honest and say I do want him back, but I also feel that this time it is so over so I want to make the pain stop and go away. I want him to realise what he has thrown away, but I don't know how to be friends it would shatter me if he started a new relationship and I was right there to see it all first hand.., Can you please advise, if you want your ex back is it better to stay on good terms as friends or is it best to just get out of thier lives so they can miss you? Why does he want to be friends anyway - is it so he doesn't feel so bad after what he's done if I forgive hima and stay friends - this is all so confusing and I'm so sad and hurt and ugh!!

Thanks for reading - if you made it this far

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Everybody says they want to stay friends. Most people even mean it. In reality it's just not practical. You need to grieve alone, get through it without hkm, make a separate life and you don't really want to hear about his future romances and likely vice versa. That's what ends up precluding friendship.

I wouldn't give too much thought to him writing that...he probably has good memories and yet in the end had decided to move on. You can't be friends with him for a long time, if at all...but I wouldn't address his comment. It's just what people say.

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The guy is all over the map, and you haven't been separated long enough for his pronouncements to mean anything.

 

I wouldn't move toward divorce since that's not what you want, but I wouldn't offer him the comfort of my friendship, either.

 

You aren't obligated to make any choices about where you stand at the moment. I'd file for legal separation if my attorney advises that this could protect me against any debts he racks up. You'll need to focus on your own life regardless, so I'd do that with as little contact with him as possible--let your attorney handle that.

 

Every time you turn around the man is going to have a different story about where he stands, so take his churning out of your equation while you build you own life and grow into clarity about what YOU want. Until he's been on his own long enough to get past sentimentality and stabilize, his word means nothing--so keep your eyes on your own paper, get good legal advice and pursue your own counseling and your own future. If he's ever stable enough to catch up with you someday, he'll step up to demonstrate that instead of talk about it.

 

Write here when it helps.

 

Head high.

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