So this is what happened

[PamJamzz21]

Well from the beginning our relationship was pretty much based on sex. We decided to date though, & I fell in love with how sweet and caring he was. We talked all the time, about everything. He was the one I could call in the middle of the night if I had a nightmare or couldn't sleep. But lately all we did was argue. He's been there for me through a lot of - I give him that. But I wanted to try practicing abstinence so I can be a better Christian and he wasn't willing to do that. This caused tension between us but in the end I chose to be with him anyway. We broke up like 4 times already! And since we got back together a few days ago he has been treating me differently. I was willing to put aside my beliefs because I figured if I really loved him, I would do anything to be with him. I confronted him about it yestarday, & he told me he's not sure about things. Even though he's the one who have me the ultimatum, he said he felt like I was sacrificing too much for him. I snapped and told him cruel, nasty things in an attempt to hurt him like he hurt me. I didn't know what else to do to protect myself from the pain. I'm now blocked from his phone and Facebook and his mom hates me because I de-friended her during one of my arguments with him & I'm so upset because I contributed to it all. We were together for almost 6 months. Ofcourse I feel guilty for calling him ugly. I don't care about his physical appearance. I just said it to hurt him but now I'm the one who's hurt. It was a low blow on my part but I want to forgive myself. I want him to forgive me.

[silversoul]

I feel sorry for that guy. He felt guilty. If you couldn't give up your abstinence, you should have not get involved with him. He made it clear he didn't want to do that, yet you still wanted the relationship. You are concentrating on your pain, but you hurt him too. There is no way you would work out, you need to reflect what is important for you and not give up on your principles for the sake of a relationship

[PamJamzz21]

SilverSoul, thank you for you feedback. He is a good guy- & I am a struggling Christian. I don't know if abstinence and purity is really something I want to pursue. We had a great sexual chemistry, & I will miss that. Most of all Ill miss his voice. How will I move forward from this and forgive myself?

[silversoul]

Well don't put all the blame on yourself, you are two adults, so you two are responsible for good and bad in your relationship. I think you really should think hard what is important for you and if you have doubts it may be the case you don't need abstinence especially if you enjoyed being with him. Did you feel guity afterwards? I believe there is nothing bad about it when it is done in a loving relationship. After all we are humans and it is only natural that we want to get physical with someone we love.

 

You will feel better and you will move on, and after some time, when emotions settle you will be able to evaluate everything. You are a human and it is natural to make mistakes. But you have to learn from them and not repeat with them. For me it is also important to realise that I don't want to hurt any person, whether they are good or bad because ultimately it make me unhappy.

[Twidom]

SilverSoul, thank you for you feedback. He is a good guy- & I am a struggling Christian. I don't know if abstinence and purity is really something I want to pursue. We had a great sexual chemistry, & I will miss that. Most of all Ill miss his voice. How will I move forward from this and forgive myself?

 

It takes two to have a relationship. It takes two to ruin it. Accept your share of the guilt and understand you're a human being and you're not perfect. Take it as a lesson and don't make the same mistakes next time. (just to be clear, I'm not saying you did something wrong or not)

[savignon]

It seems that you changed the terms of the relationship so many times that he couldn't keep up. Then he agrees that you should move on so you don't have to sacrifice anything and you called him ugly because he hurt you? I don't see how he hurt you by agreeing that you should not make sacrifices for him...?

You don't sound entirely convicted on your beliefs which I imagine is beyond confusing for him as you waffled back and forth.

Explore your belief system and see what's ok/not ok for you in a relationship. Then find someone who shares those beliefs without any impositions or ultimatums on either side. This way the conditions of the relationship aren't drastically changed one way or the other.

[greta96]

Well it's not surprising it didn't work out, because you switched between 2 polar opposites! There is nothing wrong with wanting to practice abstinence and purity, but if you decide to go that way, you cannot do it in a relationship that was based on sex! Either you do it from the beginning when you meet a guy, and you tell him about it and let him decide if he's ok with dating you without sex, or if you start a relationship based on sex, you continue to have sex. You can't just go from one extreme to another mid-relationship!

 

Also, guys want to feel like their girlfriend wants them, wants the sex, and is passionate about it. How can your guy be happy knowing you are having sex with him as a favor, when deep inside you'd rather not? I can't imagine anybody feeling comfortable with this situation. He needs you to be the way you were in the beginning, which is what he had signed up for, he doesn't like feeling like he's pushing you to do it, and that you do it only for his sake.

 

Add to all this the names you called him (ugly? really???) and there you go... Any guy would have bolted.

 

I understand you're confused about Christianity and what not, but before you date again, do some serious thinking, figure yourself out, figure out which way you want to go, and only when everything is sorted out try dating again, so that you can start your next relationship on the right note - either sex or abstinence. And of course let the guy know from day one what you want.

[Ms Darcy]

This would feel like a bait and switch to me. I think he did the right thing. You are too different.

[savignon]

This is exactly what I wanted to say and Greta says it perfectly!!

[PamJamzz21]

I just figured if he really loved me he would do it. But then I realized it would be a big change for him and decided that we were ok the way we were. He gave me the decision and I chose him but it's like he couldn't accept it and that hurt me because I just wanted to be with him.

[savignon]

I just figured if he really loved me he would do it. But then I realized it would be a big change for him and decided that we were ok the way we were. He gave me the decision and I chose him but it's like he couldn't accept it and that hurt me because I just wanted to be with him.

 

You chose him when given an ultimatum. Nobody wants to be chosen as the result of an ultimatum. You started a relationship based on sex and then said "no more sex"...a 100% bait and switch like mhowe said. You say "if he really loved you, he'd...." If he really loved you he'd

let you go find yourself and he did that. And then you called him ugly.

[PamJamzz21]

I made a mistake by calling him ugly. I'm sure you've said hurtful things you didn't mean either so please stop throwing it in my face. I was honest in my post so that I can receive honest, constructive reply's. Not so that I can continue to feel badly about something I said.

[savignon]

Part of constructive feedback is helping a person see something they may not have seen previously. Saying "if he really loved me..." is a manipulation tactic. He could say "if you really loved me, you'd do x, y or z" as well. Instead he said you shouldn't sacrifice anything for him and should go do want you need to do. I only mention the ugly comment b/c you said you wanted to hurt him like he hurt you and I

don't see how he hurt you by allowing you to remain true to your new religious conviction. It wasn't meant as a "throw in your face"...I just don't see where he hurt you. You changed and he let you go so you could be the new you. I actually think that's pretty loving in and of itself.

[PamJamzz21]

Fine. But How could you question the pain inflicted on me? I'm hurt because I was willing to do whatever it took to be with him because I loved him and he let me go. Whether or not that was the right decision on his part is beside the point. I was hurt.

[PamJamzz21]

Thank you, though, Savignon for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

[savignon]

He let you go because you want to live a different lifestyle than him. It wasn't because he didn't like you, didn't love you, wanted to hurt you...he didn't "inflict" anything on you..he let you go make a choice that was important to you. If I were dating someone who said they were about to give up something major to be with me (religious conviction or otherwise) I would say nooooo way. It breeds resentment and contempt when you have to sacrifice who you are at your core to be with someone else. He is mature enough to know this and is saving you both heartache by not allowing you to sacrifice your beliefs for him.

It's painful that you're not together but he didn't *cause* that pain or inflict it. He merely respected where your heart and mind are around sex and religion. Again, I think that's actually pretty loving.

[greta96]

I'm hurt because I was willing to do whatever it took to be with him because I loved him and he let me go.

 

When you are in a relationship, you have sex because you want to, because you can't keep your hands off each other, not because you have to, to make him happy. It's not a chore, it's not something you do as a sacrifice because you love him.

I can't understand why you don't see he did you a favor? He realized you two wanted totally different things, and that you were not happy with the way things were (yes, even if you clenched your teeth and continued to have sex with him, be sure he could feel it was not what you really wanted), and he let you go, so you can find a good Christian guy who will respect your need for celibacy until marriage.

 

Unless you did all this for a completely different reason than wanting to pursue purity - you started off as FWB, then you got attached to him romantically and decided to stop the sex altogether in order to reassure yourself that he was not in only for the sex and you wanted to give him a "nudge" to make him develop feelings for you too, and figured the best way to do that was to stop giving him sex. Now you're hurt and upset because he chose to bolt, which means he was indeed in only for the sex and wanted nothing more than a FWB arrangement - which I'm sure I don't need to remind you, you were okay with in the beginning, when you had no feelings invested.

[PamJamzz21]

Greta, the first half of your advice I will accept. The second half- no. He's proven on multiple occasions that it's not ALL about the sex. His belief is that it is a crucial piece of the puzzle but not the entire thing. We fell in love but realize we have two different points of views. He tried and I tried but it just didn't work.

[mhowe]

Fine. But How could you question the pain inflicted on me? I'm hurt because I was willing to do whatever it took to be with him because I loved him and he let me go. Whether or not that was the right decision on his part is beside the point. I was hurt.

you changed the rules of the relationship because you wanted to be a "good" Christian. You called him.names.

 

He accepted your abstinence request. And when you decided that wasn't it and went back to having sex, he felt you were going against your.principles to be with him. So he.let you go, with love...as to not ask you to live an inauthentic life.

 

You are hurt because this didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. He didn't do anything hurtful.

[Lucha]

Give this girl a break. Although I hear your arguments that he actually did her a favor and cared, and therefore walked away on her, I also here this girls hurt. I don't think repeating reality is going to help here.

 

It is ok that you feel hurt. It is completely normal when you breakup even if it is amicably or with both peoples consent, to grieve. It is like the loss or death of a loved one. Take ur time to grieve.

[mhowe]

Repeating "non reality" is pointless.

Yes she is hurt. Because her expectations and reality clashed.

He did nothing to hurt her. He stepped away so she could live according to her self described principles. He doesn't carry much of the blame for the demise of this relationship. He didn't change the rules.

[Romeo November]

If you have to change something you are for somebody that person does not really care about you. Do not worry about his forgiveness. Worry about forgiving yourself.

[ParisPaulette]

All you can do now that the damage is done is send a letter of apology and let him go. You both want such different things that all the trying in the world won't mend what once was. And breaking up with someone four times is a clear sign things are not working and not going to work. Learn from this, move on, keep to your own values and integrity and you will do fine. Forgive yourself and ask his forgiveness then let it go no matter what he does.

 

In the end you can only work on yourself and stick to what you have and want.

[PamJamzz21]

If you have to change something you are for somebody that person does not really care about you. Do not worry about his forgiveness. Worry about forgiving yourself.

Thank You Romeo. And Thank you also Lucha!

[PamJamzz21]

All you can do now that the damage is done is send a letter of apology and let him go. You both want such different things that all the trying in the world won't mend what once was. And breaking up with someone four times is a clear sign things are not working and not going to work. Learn from this, move on, keep to your own values and integrity and you will do fine. Forgive yourself and ask his forgiveness then let it go no matter what he does.

 

In the end you can only work on yourself and stick to what you have and want.

 

Thank You. Paris. To learn and grow may be the only thing left to do. It's just going to be so hard thinking about the what ifs, & should haves. The guilt from the nasty things I said to him also hurt but I've asked him for forgiveness and I think he's accepted it. Now it's time to work on myself I suppose.