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Long-distance, signs of infidelity, being gone for weeks (long)


Ehyrin

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I live in the U.S. and my boyfriend is from the U.K. We're both in our 20's.

We've only visited each other twice in our time of being together. We've been dating for a little over 5 months.

 

Before we began dating, he was very sweet and charming. He was already calling me "dear" and "sweetheart" within the first few hours of speaking. He's told me that a majority of his friends are female, because he can "relate" to them better. So I suppose it is not surprise that he was very quick to give me nicknames.

 

What bothered the most, is when he told me he's kind of a "sex-addict" but only for the person he is dating. He told me he will become aroused everyday. He's also had multiple sex partners through out his life, but says he has been sexually in-active for the past 3 years. I wanted to be be able to accept his past, despite myself being a virgin. And eventually I convinced myself that it was okay and "normal."

 

He began to become very physical with me very quickly. It seems he only calls me when he wants to have phone sex or intimate conversations. If I suggest speaking other than that, it's always an excuse. After we have phone sex, he usually tells me his phone is dying and leaves.

 

After a few months of dating, the excuses began to pile up. There are many, many times where he tells me he is going to take a nap, or is doing things around the house. It usually requires him to be gone for hours. At times it seems more constant than it should be. When I bring the matter up and how it makes me feel, he becomes defensive and tells me that it's my insecurities and I should trust him more.

 

Now, this is why I decided to ask for advice...

 

About two weeks ago, he told me he couldn't spend the Holidays with me due to his family. I live far from my family/friends (because of school, which means I will be alone for Christmas), so when he told me this it was devastating. I expected to spend Christmas with him. He told me he will be busy from the beginning of this week until January. The only explaination he gave me was that his family was "forcing" him to do some things and he wouldn't be able to get out of it or contact me. I was very hurt but this sudden event, but I had to accept it. As much as I wanted to have my doubts, I kept my feelings to myself and trusted his word.

 

Now that he's gone, I've spoken to a few of my friends recently. After speaking to them, I'm beginning to grow suspicious.

Why did he not give me a valid reason for leaving? Why can he not contact me at all? Communication is important in this situation, and I have to go 14 days with no contact at all. These are all questions that I had not thought of until now. And it's been eating away at me.

 

Is it wrong of me to become suspicious of infidelity? I do trust him, but it seems maybe not as much as I'd like to. I'm having doubts on our relationship, after analyzing everything. I can not even contact him about the matter until he returns, and by then I suspect he will become angry and disoriented that I've had these thoughts.

 

I'm not sure if what I am doing is right or wrong, or even if I should bring it up at all when he returns. If he is telling the truth, and I bring this up, it will harm our relationship.

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He sounds like a Fast Forwarder and a Future Faker... Read link removed for reference on those terms. I think during his "disappearing act" you should just cut your losses while you can and move on from this relationship while you have the chance! You have a right to feel all that you do, always go with your gut. Also, if you're afraid to communicate your feelings to him for fear that he will get defensive, that is just him deflecting from being honest with you. End this and find someone else that appreciates you and isn't going to play with your emotions.

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my guess is he already has a Gf where he spends the holidays with, else he would be able to contact you at least....I agree with shelty, this is not a real relationship and you sure cannot trust him, all the red flags were there from the start..i think he played you, sorry! hugs

 

Agreed. He's spending xmas with another woman. Get out now.

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There are so many red flags I can't even count them.

He clearly is spending the holidays with another woman and a self-described sex addict is not a candidate for any relationship, let alone one that is trans-continental. The "dying phone" is almost comical. He gets his and has to run....

You've definitely been played. Don't take anymore of his calls. They don't sound that great anyway.

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I live in the U.S. and my boyfriend is from the U.K. We're both in our 20's.

We've only visited each other twice in our time of being together. We've been dating for a little over 5 months.

 

Before we began dating, he was very sweet and charming. He was already calling me "dear" and "sweetheart" within the first few hours of speaking. He's told me that a majority of his friends are female, because he can "relate" to them better. So I suppose it is not surprise that he was very quick to give me nicknames.

 

My guy does this too. (he calls me "dore-lin", LOL) He's from the UK living here. It's an British thing.

 

What bothered the most, is when he told me he's kind of a "sex-addict" but only for the person he is dating. He told me he will become aroused everyday. He's also had multiple sex partners through out his life, but says he has been sexually in-active for the past 3 years. I wanted to be be able to accept his past, despite myself being a virgin. And eventually I convinced myself that it was okay and "normal."

 

He began to become very physical with me very quickly. It seems he only calls me when he wants to have phone sex or intimate conversations. If I suggest speaking other than that, it's always an excuse. After we have phone sex, he usually tells me his phone is dying and leaves.

 

After a few months of dating, the excuses began to pile up. There are many, many times where he tells me he is going to take a nap, or is doing things around the house. It usually requires him to be gone for hours. At times it seems more constant than it should be. When I bring the matter up and how it makes me feel, he becomes defensive and tells me that it's my insecurities and I should trust him more.

 

Now, this is why I decided to ask for advice...

 

About two weeks ago, he told me he couldn't spend the Holidays with me due to his family. I live far from my family/friends (because of school, which means I will be alone for Christmas), so when he told me this it was devastating. I expected to spend Christmas with him. He told me he will be busy from the beginning of this week until January. The only explaination he gave me was that his family was "forcing" him to do some things and he wouldn't be able to get out of it or contact me. I was very hurt but this sudden event, but I had to accept it. As much as I wanted to have my doubts, I kept my feelings to myself and trusted his word.

 

Now that he's gone, I've spoken to a few of my friends recently. After speaking to them, I'm beginning to grow suspicious.

Why did he not give me a valid reason for leaving? Why can he not contact me at all? Communication is important in this situation, and I have to go 14 days with no contact at all. These are all questions that I had not thought of until now. And it's been eating away at me.

 

Is it wrong of me to become suspicious of infidelity? I do trust him, but it seems maybe not as much as I'd like to. I'm having doubts on our relationship, after analyzing everything. I can not even contact him about the matter until he returns, and by then I suspect he will become angry and disoriented that I've had these thoughts.

 

I'm not sure if what I am doing is right or wrong, or even if I should bring it up at all when he returns. If he is telling the truth, and I bring this up, it will harm our relationship.

 

I wouldn't call what you are doing "dating". Dating means you see one another in the flesh on a consistent basis. You basically have a limited, online/electronic involvement with him.

 

Here's the thing: you only have an idea and very, very limited experience of who he is. Most of what you think you know about him is what you've constructed in your head. I seriously doubt he is sitting around waiting on a virgin on the other side of the Atlantic and I"m sorry if that comes off blunt. He's not going to change into being the guy you think he should be due to your lack of knowledge about sex. Yeah, he just may be seeing someone else or is gone on holiday with her. There's no way you're ever going to know because there's an ocean between you two.

 

I agree with FullOfLove--you need to just cut your losses and move on. A man who has told you that he's sexually active to the point of being a sex addict isn't waiting around for you. You need to find a guy in the states who is either a virgin or isn't a full blown sex addict. That is instant incompatibility right there.

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I definitely feel like a fool.

So you propose that I no longer contact him, just cut ties? Or should I speak to him on this matter, tell him my reasoning, and then leave?

Either way, I think this is best... I just needed to justification.

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You don't need any justification whatsoever. Are you interested in continuing this? No. So next time he gets in touch tell him "I've really lost interest over the course of our last few interactions and have decided to find a relationship that suits me better. Take care and best wishes". After that don't respond to anything else because he will just try to rope you in to more texts/phone sex for as long as it's convenient for him and you will KICK yourself when you look back and see you could have gone out on your own terms and with your head held high.

You're not interested in this guy's behavior so be honest....you lost interest. Leave it at that.

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I will contact him about my decision.

I do believe that this is the best option at this point in time. The lack of trust and communication isn't healthy, and I see that now.

 

Thank you, this has helped me.

 

Yes- good luck to you - and I would probably focus on men you can see at least once a week when you start dating.

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