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What is he really saying?


ShyOne

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Okay, first off, I'm new to the forum. I'll give a little background on my situation first. I have been sleeping with this guy (let's call him Jim) off and on for eight years, during which he has had three girlfriends. Soon after we first began sleeping together, he and his then girlfriend broke up and he almost immediately moved in with another woman. I broke it off with him, moved on, and got married a year later. My husband and I separated temporarily, and I once again began a sexual relationship with Jim. When I reconciled with my husband, I broke it off with Jim again. A year ago, I left my husband for good and am currently going through a divorce.

 

Three months ago, Jim entered the picture again. He had yet another live-in girlfriend at the time. Everything was okay between us, but he kept telling me he was tired of the gf. Soon he was inviting me to cookouts and parties at their house and he even introduced me to her. Two weeks after that, he kicked her out. Since that time, I have been staying with him. We do everything together. He helps me take care of my kids. My car broke down, so he lets me keep his while he's at work. He gave me a key to his house and I finally met his mother. His brother and friends have known about me the whole time, but not his mother and sister. His mother just asked me to call her "Mom" and insists that her son is in love.

 

However, Jim told me not to get my feelings too wrapped up in him. He says that the reason we've gotten along so well over the years is because we never had any strings attached. He reminds me that he cheated with me and says he's not ready to settle down. He says he loves me and wants to keep me in his life forever, but he's afraid he will do something to hurt me because he can't commit to one woman. Even as he says these things, he's acting as if we are in a committed relationship. When I tell him I'm going home, he begs me to stay. He picks my kids up from school. I am confused. Am I in a relationship? Is he being blatantly honest, or is he playing games with me?

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However, Jim told me not to get my feelings too wrapped up in him. He says that the reason we've gotten along so well over the years is because we never had any strings attached.

 

Am I in a relationship?

 

No strings mean no strings, this is not a relationship. This is just a physical relationship. Don't get confused. Men are not like women, we can have sex and have no feelings about it afterwards, its just the way we are programmed.

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No, you aren't in a relationship. You're in a friends with benefits who chooses to treat you however he wants to, because you continue to let him. Don't mistake a guy (or gal) doing relationship-type things as someone who is in a relationship. Jim has, in fact, chosen three different women to have relationships with while he chooses to keep you as his booty call. So he likes sex with you, he enjoys the benefits of having you there to himself whenever it's convenient to him. He says insincere flattery and does things to keep you from leaving, but the fact is if he loved you and needed you in his life he would have had a relationship with you, not everyone but you. He can have relationships, he's had them before you, during you, and will have them after you, just not with you.

 

Seriously you are Jim's backburner woman and apparently you can't see that or just keep hoping one day he'll pick you instead. But it's three women later and he still hasn't, when are you going to get a clue? You have a sexual affair, he's a lover, and that's all he is or ever will be. He's even told you plainly he will not have a relationship with you, so don't mistake him wanting to have sex with you and picking up your kids from school now and again or mouthing some phony "love yous" as signs this will ever be anything but sex. It isn't, it won't.

 

Either be okay with just the sex, date other men and tell Jim he's there until you find someone who is relationship material and then he's gone OR kick him out of your life and move on. Sorry to be so blunt, but you are practicing self-deception of the worst kind if you think this will turn into anything more.

 

Also Jim is a chronic cheater. They aren't relationship material for anyone. Ever.

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Jim thinks you have an agreement where you both do what you want to do, no strings attached. F buddies. Which is what you are.

 

Don't even try to turn this into a relationship!! If I were you, I'd cut way back and out on Jim. Forever.

 

You are going through a divorce. It's a perfect time to re evaluate what you have been doing and how it has been working for you. Why not be single?? See what you want without Jim making it 'easier' on you by picking up the slack in your life?

 

Jim is a safety blanket, and you are a safety blanket for Jim. When there is nothing else...there you go.

 

Word.

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I don't get the impression that he's playing games,but I do think he's being honest about not committing to anyone. Another thing to keep in mind is if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. Added to that you're selling yourself short by accepting this FWB's situation for all these years.

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Men generally speak their mind and so you should believe his words. He is telling you the truth, he doesnt want you, he just wants a no strings 'relationship' with you.

 

As soon as the right girl comes along, and she will! you wont see his a** for dust! Because, even if he wants you around forever, if you think his new gf will put up with him having that kind of relationship with him, you are seriously mistaken.

 

Get out now before he breaks your heart and leaves you broken-hearted in the gutter without a backwards glance.

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You both sound immature and incapable of a serious relationship. Why are your kids around someone like this? Grow up and be a role model! Have your fun, but don't be the mommy that has too many "friends". This guy is in it for the sex, and nothing deeper. He treats you this way because you have no obligations to each other. Your relationship is strictly sexual. Satisfaction in the bedroom can be mistaken for satisfaction with the relationship. Want more for yourself and your kids. Dont invest in someone who tells you he wont be around.

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Thanks for the input everyone. I have an update. Last night Jim said he realizes I am a good woman, and if he doesn't straighten up another man will take me away. His exact words: "I don't know if I am the man you need or especially if I am the man you deserve, but I promise I will try if you will let me." Considering the above-mentioned history, is it possible that he is ready to settle down?

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You both sound immature and incapable of a serious relationship. Why are your kids around someone like this? Grow up and be a role model! Have your fun, but don't be the mommy that has too many "friends". This guy is in it for the sex, and nothing deeper. He treats you this way because you have no obligations to each other. Your relationship is strictly sexual. Satisfaction in the bedroom can be mistaken for satisfaction with the relationship. Want more for yourself and your kids. Dont invest in someone who tells you he wont be around.

 

 

I don't have "too many friends." Jim has been there off and on since before my kids were born. In fact we've known each other over 20 years because we grew up together. I have always loved him, and I guess I was hoping he would return those feelings. But that does not mean I am exposing my children to anything dangerous. Jim is there for my kids when their father isn't. Just because he may only want sex doesn't automatically make him a bad person.

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Thanks for the input everyone. I have an update. Last night Jim said he realizes I am a good woman, and if he doesn't straighten up another man will take me away. His exact words: "I don't know if I am the man you need or especially if I am the man you deserve, but I promise I will try if you will let me." Considering the above-mentioned history, is it possible that he is ready to settle down?
That is a conversation -- a real, long, very serious conversation -- you're going to have to have with him. What exactly he means by that, especially in light of your pasts. He is the only one who knows what's going on in his mind (hopefully). It's no longer just you, you're dragging your kids into this, too. There are a lot of red flags here, don't go letting your hopes for what you want obscure your judgement.
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No strings mean no strings, this is not a relationship. This is just a physical relationship. Don't get confused. Men are not like women, we can have sex and have no feelings about it afterwards, its just the way we are programmed.

 

Not true at all - I haven't had sex like that since being a teenager by choice.

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You both sound immature and incapable of a serious relationship. Why are your kids around someone like this? Grow up and be a role model! Have your fun, but don't be the mommy that has too many "friends". This guy is in it for the sex, and nothing deeper. He treats you this way because you have no obligations to each other. Your relationship is strictly sexual. Satisfaction in the bedroom can be mistaken for satisfaction with the relationship. Want more for yourself and your kids. Dont invest in someone who tells you he wont be around.

Agree totally.

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Past behavior is a clear indication of future behavior.. sure you can stick your head in the clouds and ignore all the red flags and the fact he straight up told you hes not a one woman man and hope he will change for you coz your somehow "special" but he wont...

 

he is not monogamous. Never was, never will be. Plain and simple and he aint changing for you or anyone even if you got roses flying out of your behind

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