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I have been in a marriage with a good man for over 15 years. We met and married quickly, but the relationship has been relatively easy to maintain with one exception. About a year ago, I started talking with a former workmate of mine who I was friendly with. That relationship has now grown to the point that I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me, and I'm contemplating a move to another state to be with him.

 

The issues around this are numerous. First, he is getting a divorce. His previous wife was someone who was negative and controlling, and I'm concerned about the scars that she will leave. Second, I am getting divorced as well, and have two daughters that may need to move with me or stay with their dad. I am concerned about the impact this change will have on them. Third, I find myself questioning his sincerity, even when there are no obvious signs that he is lying. The fact that he would cheat with me makes me wonder if he would do the same to me later, even though he says he won't because I am nothing like his former wife. My near-ex has many faults, but lying was never one of them, and I long to feel that comfort with someone I truly love.

 

My question is this - should I risk moving to another state to be with this man? He says I am the one, makes numerous references to introducing me to his friends and family "when the time is right", and I do believe loves me with his whole heart. By the way, I have met his kids, although I was introduced as a friend, and he did have two of his best female friends talk to me on the phone about a month ago, and they stated "they were so happy for him". Please help, I'm torn.

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It sounds as if you got in way over your head, and as you come down from that high, so to speak, you're realizing that those greener pastures may not be as green as you had imagined.

 

As to your question, no I wouldn't take the risk in moving to another state with this man. It's one thing to leave the marriage because it's not working, yet it's an entirely different ball game when you leave because someone else is in the picture. I think you know that this is not likely to have a happy ending, and I hope you make the right choices.

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You are questioning his sincerity? That's rich. What you should be questioning is your own integrity because, based on your comments, you lack one. Many of us throughout life will face an issue like yours but there are still those who are honorable enough to not give into the intense but fleeting pleasures of this life. His sincerity is the least of your problems.

 

The number of times I see cheaters acting like victims is phenomenal. You are no better than him. In saying that the wheels are in motion and you've made your decision. Only time will tell whether the decision you've made will turn into something long-lasting.

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Not right away at least, no. You need to go through your divorce and keep your kids life as stable as you can. He needs to do the same. If you just up and move with him right away I can tell you this, your kids are going to hate him and will likely always see him as an outsider and the reason for the divorce. He will mixed up in their minds with, "We have been yanked out of our lives and torn from our friends here and in spit of what Mom says this man is the reason for that." Don't do that to them and don't do that to him. Also your soon to be ex can and should go to court and block you from moving them out of state, sorry but the man is their father and it's not fair to yank the kids away from him overnight like that.

 

As to him cheating on the wife then cheating on you, yes that is a genuine concern. Add to that the fact that you both will be going through the ends of your marriages and healing from that, that neither of you has really ever had to see and live with the other in the real world, only in each other's idealized fantasy versions coupled with the strain of now trying to blend two sets of kids who will definitely be upset over the changes and you have...a total recipe for disaster.

 

I'd say go through each of your divorces, give it at least six months, get to know each other when you're free and clear and single. And then if it all seems good and you think you can each stand living with the other, and not make the same mistakes that led you to both have failed marriages, take a look at moving in together. Until then you are playing with fire and could end up with losing custody of your kids not to mention losing their respect and finding out the hard way that this man isn't who you thought he was. And vice versa since honestly he has no real idea of you and who you are in the day-to-day world either. Think long and hard on all the legal and emotional ramifications of your actions not just for you, but for all of the kids and ex-spouses and family members who are involved whether or not any of you likes it.

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His previous wife was someone who was negative and controlling, and I'm concerned about the scars that she will leave.

 

I think you should be more concerned that he is placing the blame on her for the failure of his marriage. I personally am always very cautious when I hear someone badmouth an ex (or in this case, not even an ex yet).

 

I agree that you should be extremely concerned about the impact on your children. Divorce, cheating, moving, a new state, a new boyfriend- these kids could go completely off the rails and I wouldn't blame them one bit. You are setting an example of what relationships look like, what trusting people looks like, and basically, how to treat others. Not good.

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Thank you for the responses. Two additional points for context - my kids will be staying with their father in the city and school they are used to, so I think they will be ok. Also, I have been living and working out of state during most weeks for the past six months, so this will not be a big change.

 

Second, it is my plan to move into a place on my own for the next year while we get divorced. He will be in his own place too, and we have no plans to involve either set of kids for a while (6 months plus).

 

With those thoughts in mind, do you all still think its a bad idea to move?

 

Lastly, I agree that I was the cheater here. The true is I have cheated before as well and should have gotten a divorce years ago. I take full responsibility for that, but it was a symptom of my needs not being met with my ex.

 

Thank you all!

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You have thought this one through. Are you prepared to live in a different state to your kids in the hope that this relationship will work? If this relationship doesn't last will you still be happy about the decision you made to move? I ask that because you'd have sacrificed quite abit ie moving for this person, sacrificing time with your kids for this person etc. If you're travelling out of state quite a bit then maybe it's not much of a change. It'll be a huge one for your kids though and they're not stupid. They'll know what you did.

 

As for your justification for cheating it's rather pathetic and that's all I have to say about that. I still say that you don't need to question his sincerity. I think he will be as sincere as he can be UNTIL things no longer work for him. That's a risk you'll just have to live with.

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With those thoughts in mind, do you all still think its a bad idea to move?

 

Yes, I do. Just because you've been somewhat absent from your children's lives for the past six months does not mean that it's okay to continue. Especially for a different reason (a new relationship, not work). I think you are minimizing the potential impact on them so you can feel okay about what you want to do.

 

I also disagree with your assessment that you are taking full responsibility for cheating, if you are still citing your needs not being met as a cause. It may have been a cause for you to *think* about cheating, but the actual act was all you.

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You state your husband is a "good man". You don't trust the man you've confided in. This is justification enough not to move. There's a good reason for the responses that your receiving on your question. Many of us have been through this only to realize the truths about the situation you find yourself in now. Here's a few points that I hope you ponder before you make any move whatsoever.

 

1. Please understand that your "friend" you are now having feelings for, does not respect relationship boundaries. This is a lack of empathy and integrity. This is a personal trait that is not based on situation but behavior. Perhaps re-evaluate your empathy as well by putting yourself in the shoes of the soon to be ex spouses.

 

2. Don't put all of your faith into your "friend's" description of his spouse. This is purely based on his idealization to obtain something different for reasons that may not be the same as your own. Ask yourself why she is acting like she is. There is a reason she is hurtful and controlling. It takes bad toxicity from both sides to make a bad relationship. Keep this in mind and ask yourself, why is she hurting enough to treat him poorly. (cheating?)

 

3. Examine the thought of what if you moved, and he decided to stay with the wife after the honeymoon feeling has worn off. This happens more than you realize. Is this a risk your willing to deal with should you find yourself alone away from your children.

 

4. This is a fact that myself and many others had to deal with, the children on both sides (if exist) have a large probability of serious resentment from a divorce stemming from infidelity. Is this what your willing to leave on their doorsteps for them to deal with for the rest of their natural lives. They could resent either one of you for many years to come. This can destroy a relationship on more levels than you can imagine.

 

5. This is a fact also that I myself realized after it was too late, the new relationship is only based on needs not met for now. Never base the future on the few aspects of the past that failed or you were not willing to fix in the first place. Every relationship has certain needs that are lacking for everyone. It depends on the person that is not getting their needs met if whether those particular lacking needs are something they can live with.

 

6. He's cheating with you on his wife. If this is okay with you now, how will you think he will process this should he also start to cheat on you. The cheating mind doesn't stop. If they cheat with you, they may be led to believe they can cheat on you because you thought it was okay then, it will be okay in the future. It gives them more courage to cheat again more easily.

 

7. Trust....

No relationship can be a success if trust is questioned in the beginning. Eventually, as this lack of trust degrades, will you too become controlling as his current spouse? Highly likely.

How many sleepless nights of tears would you spend if this man treated you the same as he treated his angry spouse? Is it worth it?

 

8. Don't believe friends words saying anything, they only know parts of the story. Not from the hurt and pain from the other side.

 

There are many other serious red flags here I could touch on but the simple fact of the matter is, your torn in a situation that you need to extract yourself from. This is your own heart telling you something is wrong.

 

You need to cease contact with this person while you are in the process of divorce. You need to discover what needs you have are the most important and the only way to do this is to be completely alone. Yes, you need to disregard the feeling of wanting to be loved. Until you understand what love really is and not cloaked by lust (which ends up deceiving nearly all of us) you need to distance yourself from potential lies and emotional manipulation.

 

If this person you say loves you, they would wait until you have had time to process this entire scenario without the trappings of any manipulation whatsoever and understand you need to be sure.

 

I am worried genuinely worried for you. This is a situation and decision that could be the biggest mistake you may ever make. You need to weigh everything on your own without the temptations in the way. In my personal opinion wrought from hard experience.... you moving to him would be a grave mistake.

 

Please, take time to dwell upon this without your husband's, or boyfriends influence. Don't think about what you need now, think about what you can't live with for the rest of your life. Please, do not trust this man as you already have the red flag flower planted in your heart.

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