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My situation and my solution


NewlySingle75

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Hey everyone:

 

I posted my story over on the "Breaking Up" board, but I decided this thread would be more appropriate here. I have posted my story on that board, but I'll summarize it for you here.

 

Anyway, here's a brief summary. My girlfriend (we will call her Sharon), and I broke up this past Thursday after almost 2 years together. She broke up with me and said she felt we were better off as friends for now. She said she felt we weren't in the same area "spiritually" (she is a Christian and so am I) and she said the distance was hard (we live an hour apart in two different towns.) She said she wanted to be "friends" to see where things went because she also felt we may have rushed into things in the beginning and that she felt like she needed to be single for a while. She also wanted to know if she could text me from time to time, and I told her no. I admit I got upset, I told her that would never work, and if she was breaking up with me it was going to be a clean break, no friendship, nothing. I also told her I would be unfriending her on Facebook, which I did and still have her unfriended. After a couple of hours, I texted her, told her I may have been a little harsh, and told her she could text me if she wanted. (This was on Thursday). On Saturday, I made another mistake I shouldn't have. I texted her and said "I've had some time to think, and I was thinking about how much fun we had before we became a couple. We would go to dinner, go to karaoke, and we really had a lot of fun being together." She responded with a smiley face. I said "Maybe we should make a clean start." She asked what I meant? And I said "After the holidays, how about we go out like we used to as friends?" She replied with 'Maybe at some point, but not right away. I need some time. I'm not totally against it, I just need some time to regroup and just be me." Looking back, I realize I shouldn't have said that or texted it. It sounds like a "blow off" to me, but my sister (who knows Sharon) and another couple of friends of mine said they believe she was honest with me. I'm not going to go into details, but Sharon is under a lot of stress....she's currently unemployed, she lives with a roommate, and she is having issues both financially and personal, so I understand that.

 

But here's the thing. I started looking back at our relationship and I thought about things I have done which may have contributed to it not working out. One of the things I feel I did was not open up to her enough or show her enough affection (she is the type who likes a lot of cuddling, she's sweet as pie). And looking back, I was withdrawn from her and the reason for that is because I have been hurt in the past and I was afraid of getting hurt again. In the past, I would give my everything to women.....very affectionate, very giving, and I would surprise them with flowers and candy for "no reason". I would really allow myself to get close, and then when we broke up, it would be devastating. I love Sharon more than she even knows, and I think I've realized I love her more than I even realized myself. I really feel this may have been an issue for her. So this is what I have decided to do (you may think I'm crazy for doing this, but it feels like the right thing to do in my heart.) I think maintaining NC for now is the best idea, and I see three advantages to going NC right now. First, it will give me time to heal. Second, it will show her I can respect her wishes of giving her time to regroup, and third, I feel it will give her time to miss me. That's for the short term.

 

Here's what I am planning to do in about a month. (Again, I'm not doing this now, I'm waiting). I'm going to write her a letter in about a month and just explain to her how I feel about her, admit my mistakes (admit things like I should have shown her more affection), and just be open and honest with her. I'm not going to suggest we get back together, I'm just going to be open and honest with her, tell her how I feel, and tell her I realize I made mistakes in our relationship too (which I admit I have.) I'm going to mail this letter because I think it will have more meaning that texting, emailing, or sending her a message on Facebook. I also think by waiting a month it will show her that I have really had time to think this through and I'm not doing anything "on the fly" or out of desperation. Believe me, I would love to write it now and send it, but I know that wouldn't be a good idea, so that's what I am waiting a month.

 

So that's my plan. I know it may sound crazy, and I realize it may not work in getting her back and I'm prepared for that. But, as I had a teacher say many years ago using a baseball analogy....I may not get a home run or even hit the ball, but I am going to step up to that plate, swing that bat, and give it everything I have got. That's the way I feel.....if I get rejected by doing this in a month, at least I can look back and say "I did everything I could to make this work", and I can have no regrets either. Right now I do have regrets because I haven't told her how I feel, but in a month, if it doesn't go the way I want it, I can at least say I tried. I think that will make me feel better.

 

I realize to some of you this may sound crazy, but again, right now it's what my heart is telling me is the right thing. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

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Move on.. The best thing you can do is give her space and leave her alone..Stop with the planning to contact her and actually work on moving on.. You would have waited a month and haven't made any changes for yourself.. Also, if she tell you that she still doesn't want to be with you (after a month of you waiting), then you probably won't be able to handle it (and will probably be at this board asking "Do exes come back after you stop talking to them" or something like that).. It's better to take her at her word, give her space, and move on with your life just like she is trying to do with hers..

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Ms Darcy, yeah I realize what you are saying and am fully aware this might not work. But like you said, sometimes you have to try. For me, I think it would be worse if I didn't "try" and wondered "What if?" It's really a way for me to realize I did everything I could. After I write this letter and send it, if I don't get the response I would like, I can then lay this to rest and say "You know what, I did everything I could to save this relationship. I know I made mistakes, I admitted that to her, I told her how I felt, and she didn't have the same feelings, so move on." And to me, it would make me feel a lot better knowing I tried than just let it go now and be left always wondering, if that makes any sense.

 

This just feels right in my heart, and I've prayed about it too. I just feel like this is the right thing to do. If it works out, wonderful. If it doesn't, I've at least got the satisfaction of knowing I did my best.

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Just know that if you try, it's for you and not for her. It's for your peace of mind. And, often times by waiting a month you realize you don't even want to send the letter anymore.

 

Remember, when you want to go all out to save a relationship, you do that while you are IN the relationship and not out of it.

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That's exactly the reason I'm doing it, it's for me. It's for me to have the peace of mind of knowing I did everything I could and I know that I will feel better after she knows how I feel, regardless of if we get back together again. I have to admit, I don't feel like I put everything in the relationship like I should. She is a wonderful woman, she went out of her way to please me and make me happy, but I admit sometimes I just didn't give her the attention she needed. (One of our mutual friends told me this too and said she thinks letting Sharon know how I really feel is what she needs to hear.)

 

I think you're right about wanting to go all out to save a relationship during the relationship....I think I just took that for granted. I mean there were times (bless her heart) she would invite me over or tell me she wanted to see me, but I was busy. I had to work and I've also had some financial issues which has caused me to work a lot. It's been difficult to go see her and vice versa, but I guess I overlooked that and didn't realize anything was wrong. But now that she's gone, I've had a chance to re-evaluate things and I see my errors.

 

I don't know if it will do any good or not, but I really do feel it will make me feel better. Also, like you said, the reason I am waiting a month is so I can evaluate the situation and make sure it is what I really want. But yes, it is 100% for me and not for her....it's my way of getting satisfaction in knowing I did everything I can. Always wondering "what if?" is a terrible thing.

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I don't think it's a great sign that she said that you two jumped in too fast and she wants to see where go guys go as just friends. Fine if you e been dating for 2 months, not 2 years!!!! That and her comment about you two not aligning spiritually, I think that she is saying this isn't a match. I think she's stringing you along. Best to move on.

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I did the exact same thing that you want to do. In my case I was the one who broke up. And he agreed it was for the best. But after breaking up with him I had a lot of realizations. So I immediately asked him to take me back. He didn't. We then had a 1 month NC period. I did what you want to do. I wrote a letter mentioning how I felt, about all the realizations I've had etc. But I didn't send it. I told myself I was going to try and be a better person. Also I was going to try and move on. If after a month I felt like I still wanted to send the letter. I would do it. After a month we got talking again. It was great. After a month of resuming contact I asked to meet up with him (This was last Tuesday). And I handed him the letter. He refused to jumping into a relationship immediately but agreed on taking things slow and seeing how things go. But at the moment he says he likes me but doesn't have the same feelings for me any more but is hopeful they will rise again.

 

All the best. Things might go the way you want. And they might not. If they do. AWESOME! But if they don't you won't have any regrets.

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Well here's an update. I spent a couple of hours last night talking to a mutual friend whom we will call Michelle. Michelle and I have been friends for a long time, she's like a second sister to me and probably one of the only people in this world who can read me like a book. Anyway, after talking to her last night, I am more confident than ever that writing that letter to Sharon is the right thing to do. Let me explain. Michelle is one who will "tell it like it is", in other words, she's not going to tell me what she thinks I want to hear, she's going to be blunt and honest. When we talked about Sharon, she mentioned Sharon confided in her back in the spring when I got upset at her and didn't talk to her for a few days after she couldn't come see me. (I mentioned this before but I think I could have handled that a lot better). She said Sharon even told her she wishes I would pay more attention to her and that she wishes I was more open and affectionate (but again, it wasn't because I didn't love her, it was because I was scared of giving her my heart and getting hurt again.) I think it's worth mentioning that I have always been a very affectionate guy. I have always been one to bring my girlfriend a teddy bear or flowers occasionally just to make her feel special, but in the past, the women I dated didn't appreciate those things and I usually ended up getting hurt. For some reason, I became withdrawn from Sharon, and she is one who I should have been doing these things. I also need to mention Michelle and I dated a long time ago, so she knows how affectionate I can be. (Today we are best friends and that's a great thing.) So Michelle knows me as both a boyfriend and a best friend, we've been through a lot together.

 

I told Michelle the things I had thought about, told her about my intentions to write the letter, and we talked about the breakup. She said "Yes, writing that letter is the best thing you can do. Trust me, that is what Sharon is wanting from you. She is wanting you to acknowledge you love her and realize you made mistakes." I told Michelle all the things Sharon said (like we were better off as friends, we weren't in the same place spiritually, she wants time to be "her", etc). Michelle said "Trust me, those were just excuses. From talking to her and knowing her, I think she broke up with you because she probably felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere because you weren't giving her enough attention, but she didn't want to come out and say that so she told you the excuses she did. Believe me, writing this letter is the right thing to do and while I can't promise she will come back, I think her knowing how you feel is what she needs right now and it's what you need because you can have the peace of knowing you did what you could. Once she sees how you feel, it might just make her rethink her decision" And it made a lot of sense. She also said "Sharon loves you, believe me she does. I just don't think she knew how to deal with the situation and leaving was probably easier than talking about it."

 

So anyway, writing the letter feels more right than anything right now. I'm still going to wait, I'm not writing it now. Even Michelle said I had the right idea about waiting but she felt it was a great idea and there is a strong possibility this could work out. She also said "When you write that latter and send it, Sharon will contact you. Trust me. Then you two can really talk and work out any issues you have. This is a great idea and you are going about it the right way." Michelle also said to make sure the letter doesn't sound "needy" and I shouldn't mention "getting back together", but I should mention how I feel, where I feel I messed things up in the relationship, and end it with "Thank you for allowing me to tell you how I feel" or something to that effect.

 

As I mentioned before, whether this gets her back or not, this really does feel like the right thing to do in my heart and I also feel God is leading me to do this. We'll see what happens, but for now I plan on spending Christmas with my family. Merry Christmas everyone and thank you for all your suggestions.

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