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I want to tell him I still love him


anxiousandlost

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Hello all,

 

I was with my boyfriend (I’m 23, he’s 24) for 21 months and things were going well, up until 10 months into the relationship. His brother passed away tragically, and I tried to be there for him as much as possible. To cut a long story short, he started treated me badly, being very distant, telling me really stupid things (like I never liked his brother and I’m only acting like I did because he died), telling me he wasn’t sure if he loved me, putting his friends first, etc. I talked about grief counselling with him, but he was adamant that he didn’t need it. Basically, he put on a ‘front’, spent a lot of time with friends and distractions, but he told me he felt empty inside. My friends and family told me to leave him, because time and time again he was putting me down, yet I excused him because of his terrible situation.

 

Two months ago (so 11 months after his brother passed away), I couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke it off. I told myself that even though he was hurting, he was being very unkind to me, and anytime I tried to speak to him about it, he’d brush me off, or tell me I’m over-reacting. I realised relationships are give and take, not just give give give.

 

For the last two months I’ve been doing okay, but it’s recently hit me like a tonne of bricks. I REALLY miss him. I can see how much his brother’s death has affected him, and I still maintain I made the right decision (he couldn’t even respect me). But for some reason, I can’t shake the feeling of loving him. I spent most of our break up moving on and not contacting him, yet with the realisation of “he’s not coming back”, I feel sick with sadness. He wanted to stay friends, I said no.

 

I want to tell him that although I broke it off (for the right reasons), I still love him and miss him terribly. I thought breaking up would be the best option, but it’s really affecting me. I don’t exactly condone how he’s treated me, and I’m not a pushover, but there’s a part of me that really wants to tell him how I feel. I know it’s stupid, and I don’t really know what it will achieve, but I can’t settle.

 

Am I weak? Should I wait for a few weeks until I’m calmer and then say something? I feel like I can’t forget it and concentrate on anything else. Maybe it’s just fear and anxiety.

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Don't contact him.. You pretty much had a good reason to break up.. You are feeling the way you do because the break up is kind of fresh.. 2 months is really not a long time.. You don't have to tell him how you feel because your actions showed him.. I would even go on to say, that just like you have had time to think it over, so has he.. What you are feeling is normal after a breakup.. Continue to do what you are doing.. If he wants to reach out to you , he knows how..

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Don't contact. He had no right to treat you the way he did. Doesn't matter who dies, it's not your fault and he should not have done things the way he did.

 

It's very fresh. Give it a few more weeks and it will pass. It is better you do not contact him.

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Anxiousandlost, you have to do what feels right to you. You can ask for advice, but at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself first and foremost.

 

I suggest you ask yourself what might be your motivation for wanting to tell him how you're feeling.

 

There is only one reason for his being an insulting, abusive jerk: He's an insulting, abusive jerk. He always had it inside him and it has nothing to do with his brother's death. One's personality and character don't change because of the loss of a loved one - get that straight. He may be in mourning, but the change in his behavior isn't a change in the core of who he is. He always was that guy on the inside.

 

You should realize it won't be too late to say "I care" until the day you no longer care. Why not wait until you have a firm grasp on your motivation?

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Wow, AutumnBorn, I wasn't expecting that response, and the similar responses. It's quite reassuring that others feel he was being a jerk.

 

I called him yesterday before reading any responses on here. I was extremely anxious about calling, but I did it. When I told him I missed him, he went a bit quiet, and I said he didn't have to respond to that now. He said "Well we can start texting/talking" if you like. I said yes. We spoke for about an hour, catching up. He told me about the inquest he went to concerning his brother's death, and the determined cause of death. We spoke about work, families, general stuff. He told me his mother showed him a picture of me (before I deleted his family off FB a week ago). I think I'll always remember the kindness of his family.

 

After the call I felt extremely stupid for telling him, because as Twidom said, he treated me badly yet I caved and told him I loved him again. The very reason I broke it off was because of his behaviour, yet I felt the need to tell him I love him. I stopped talking to him, then felt very sad to leave him because in my eyes, it wasn't his fault he changed. A good friend told me it was brave of me to say how I feel, even if it wasn't reciprocated (which I expected).

 

BUT: Something that struck me was that he "always was that guy on the inside". You're probably right, and he would have shown his dimissive side eventually. I've had problems with depression and anxiety for years, and when we got together I was on meds. Obviously at the beginning things were very lovey dovey so I didn't feel too down. After his brother passed away, I was extremely sad, and coupled with my ex's behaviour, depressed. He was unsupportive, and while I probably shouldn't have brought it up, there was a point where I needed to address his behaviour and he brushed me off - "are you sure you're not just a bit sad? I have bigger problems than you." I KNOW myself very well, I know my depression and also know I don't need to lean on someone, but support is definitely needed. And I got none.

 

I stayed hoping he'd realised how he was being and 'go back' to being the guy I fell for, but nothing was changing. Another thing was that my self esteem was suffering while we were together, until I felt like a broken shell of a person. I kept comparing myself to him - he went to the best University in the country, has a better paid job, more confidence - but I know this isn't healthy. I had the strength to break it off because I knew I wasn't being treated right.

 

Ultimately, I think I'm glad I made the call. It would have weighed me down and I wouldn't be able to enjoy my holidays. I want to get to the point where I don't give a s**t anymore, and like AutumnBorn said, realise he's a jerk. At the moment I see him as a human with faults, and see the good. Because it wasn't all bad when we were together. To be honest, there are times where I feel he doesn't even deserve my friendship, but if it's ever getting too much, I can always tell him I can't be his friend.

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