Great first date but bad second date - what to do?

[EmmieQ]

So, I finally met a guy I feel interested in: he is handsome, funny, smart, interesting, ...

 

We met online about 2 months ago and are talking every day.

 

During that period, we had settled 2 first dates.

But I always blew them off (the same day) because I had a feeling there were quite some red flags (he only wanted to meet in his city, so that I would have to drive all the way there, not really keen on taking the train and coming here, when I asked him where I could best park my car in his city, he gave me his house adress (where it is absolutely impossible to park a car!!...)

I don't know how, but I got the feeling he did not want to invest in the first date, so I always canceled the dates (as it did not feel quite right).

 

But after canceling the second date, we talked about it. I told him I had been hurt in previous relationships with guys who did not want to make any efforts and that I was very careful now. He told me he understood, he had been hurt too and he did not want to upset me. That if we started dating, we would both invest as much.

He offered to come to my city, when going out with his friends and that we could casually meet there, to take some steam off and not make it to 'pressured'.

 

Seeing this, I decided to give him another chance and offered a fun activity in his city instead. He was happy and promised to come to my city next time.

So 1 week ago, we had a great first date (in his city), going to a Christmas market.

We had fun, chemistry, hugged, held hands, ... it was perfect!

 

This week we arranged a second date on Sunday. I texted him asking where we would meet and told him I would not mind coming to his city again.

He texted me 'ok, my place at 20h'. So I was already a bit disappointed about his reaction (he could have shown a bit more enthusiasm about me going to his city again, or he could even have offered to come anyways).

When I arrived at his place, rain was pouring so I told him we could better stay in.

Thing is: he had not foreseen anything! He had not bought any drinks, had not cleaned up his apartment, had not foreseen any food, ... Although it had been raining all week and we had decided to meet up at his place, so he could have done a little effort?

He offered to watch a movie and get take away (and offered to go for french fries... not my idea of ideal take away!).

We wachted a movie and had fun, hugging, holding hands, kissing...

 

But here is the main thing that is bugging me:

I told him I would not go further than only kissing. He seemed disappointed and kept trying.

I explained to him that I would not go further on the second date, that that was just the way I was.

He told me OK, but asked me several times whether I was not willing to take down my boundries, ...

Telling me that if he would only have been in for the sex, he could easily wait until the 5th date, then sleep with me and then nog give my any news anymore, ... but that this was not the case, he was not that kind of guy, blablablah.

 

When it was time for me to leave, we hugged, held hands, ... but he did not even walk with me to the bus station to wait for the bus. So another thing that bugged me.

 

I don't have a very good feeling about this second date, but I know I have started to be very difficult in the previous years I have been single, so I am wondering if I am not imagining things or making things to complicated.

 

What do you guys think: should I pursue?

--> The thing is that it is the first time in years I actually meet someone I feel interested it, handsome, funny, I can discuss all kinds of things with him, etc. So I don't want to lose this, if I am making a fuss over nothing!

[missmarple]

You're NOT making a fuss over nothing. It's natural to sometimes wonder if you're 'too difficult', especially if you've been single for a while (I've been single for 3 years so, trust me, I know) but it's very important to listen to your gut.

The way I see things, this guy is not relationship material, if that's what you're looking for. He's handsome and funny and talkative but that's all he is...and those things are good enough for a fling but hardly enough for a committed relationship. Here are some things from your post that (to me) show that he's not serious about you:

a. He only wanted to meet in his city. I would have cut contact with him for this reason only. I've been on tons of dates with guys I met online and I NEVER went to someone's city for a first date. I've had guys who didn't even drive, use public transport to come and meet me where I live...or, in a couple of cases, we split the difference because we both wanted to go to some place other than our cities.

b. He offered to come to your city, when going out with his friends. Why? How old is he? 14? A man who's serious about a woman, will not suggest a first date when he's out with friends. That's too casual even for 15 year olds.

c. Even though he had said he'd come to your city for the second date, he readily accepted your offer to go back to his (that was your mistake, too, for even suggesting it) and that message 'ok my place at 20h' sounds more like he was messaging a buddy, not a woman!

d. He knew you'd meet at his place, it had been raining all week, and he hadn't made the slightest effort. French fries for a second date, no drinks, not even a clean apartment! Again, how old is this guy?

e. (and this is the biggest red flag of all) He didn't respect your boundaries and when a guy tries to convince you to have sex with him on the second date, just imagine what he'll be like on the tenth date. Just unacceptable behaviour all around.

f. He didn't walk you to the bus station. Frankly, that was the icing on the cake!

 

I'm surprised that, after all these, you're even considering seeing him again. You may be interested in him but he has nothing to offer you except, maybe, some sex sessions in his dirty apartment and, obviously, that's not what you're after.

[lostgirl123]

he doesn't seem as interested. also you shouldn't have suggested to come to his city twice after he said he will visit yours the next time around. the guy needs to invest to show you that he is interested but again he doesn't seem like he is interested.

[amipushy]

I agree with the others. He isnt interested. You are settling for a man who isnt interested. He wasnt from the start. Trust your gut feeling here. Forget it! Forget him!!

[savignon]

MissMarple nailed all the red flags. I'll only add that guys who aren't "that kind of guy" don't come out and say it...they just really actually *aren't*.

[Ms Darcy]

Well he is obviously not interested in anything but sex. Let him go.

 

I advise not saying that you have been hurt in the past. Most people who date have been but our job is to learn from it and move on. Instead you make yourself look weak to men. You also said it to help make him treat you a certain way. Don't do that. It is a little emotionally manipulation and it can negatively shape how a man sees and treats you.

[savignon]

You also said it to help make him treat you a certain way. Don't do that. It is a little emotionally manipulation and it can negatively shape how a man sees and treats you.

 

Bingo on this!!

[annie24]

Agreed with the others, forget this guy and move on.

[ParisPaulette]

I remember you posting on here before about this same guy, right? I think you did anyways. We all pretty much told you then he was after a booty call given that he didn't want to meet you even halfway and kept insisting you all go back to his place. And so yeah, that's exactly what he did. Why are you surprised. And he can't even bother to clean up his place and have something for you to eat and drink before he tries jumping on you? Then doesn't even bother walking you to the bus when he doesn't get laid like he was hoping. Gross and rude, rude, rude. Why would you even entertain a third date with this loser.

 

Stop trying to turn the guy into something he isn't or hoping that you'll turn around and he'll magically be Prince Charming and be relationship material, it's not going to happen. I just see desperation on both your parts to try and hope each of you becomes what the other wants and it's not working, so stop it already. Sorry to be harsh, but you are actually putting yourself in risky situations doing these things. Be glad all he did was try to get laid and that he took no for an answer.

 

And if a guy tells you he's not that kind of a guy or has to utter the words "I'm a nice guy" then run, because he most.definitely.isn't.

[Sportster2005]

I can understand your disappointment and agree. Doesn't sound like a guy putting in much of an effort. And if that's the best he's got, keep looking.

 

As far as being hurt goes, take that baggage out and bury it. It's hard, but absolutely necessary.

[EmmieQ]

I remember you posting on here before about this same guy, right? I think you did anyways.

 

No, I did not post about this guy yet...

 

But I followed all your advice and will not contact or see this guy again. And feeling good about it!

 

Indeed, too many red flags, but I was only wondering if my gut feeling was right or whether I was being 'too picky' (after 2 years of being single, I was just wondering...)

 

Thanks all!

[chr8st8na]

That guy is a.... Loser

[ParisPaulette]

No, I did not post about this guy yet...

 

Wow, you're right. It wasn't you, but nearly identical situation. She'd been talking the guy online, he lived in another city and she'd have to take the train to see him and he wouldn't come see her or even meet her halfway. And he kept insisting they go to his place on a first date. Too funny, makes me wonder if it's the same guy since the stories are so similar. Nonetheless you aren't being too picky, just having standards and wanting someone to show some basic manners is not being picky. It's called respecting yourself enough to make sure the people in your life deserve you. Keep looking since someone out there will know what a prize you are and have the good manners and good sense to act and treat you right.

[annie24]

Wow, you're right. It wasn't you, but nearly identical situation. She'd been talking the guy online, he lived in another city and she'd have to take the train to see him and he wouldn't come see her or even meet her halfway. And he kept insisting they go to his place on a first date. Too funny, makes me wonder if it's the same guy since the stories are so similar.

 

sadly, i think there is more than 1 guy out there like this!!!

[NorthDallas40]

That guy is a.... Loser

 

Yep. Dirty apartment, not considerate, french fries for dinner (!?!?!), doesn't walk you to the station... so lame, so lazy, so not worth your time.

[EmmieQ]

The sad thing is: he is still talking to me like nothing happened. So I blocked him, but first wrote him an email saying I would not spend any more time in somebody that does not respect me and that is not investing at all!

 

I am sure that when he gets my message, he will not understand at all what I am talking about...

[savignon]

For someone like this it's best just to say you've lost interest because you're right, he won't know what you're talking about and it'll sound a little off given that you only had 2 dates and offered to go there a second time.

I'd just fade out or IF he asks say it's not really what you're looking for with no further explanation.

[EmmieQ]

Ok, so I wrote him an email and he replied saying that...

 

1. He had not been in the best of moods on Sunday, because he had been thinking a lot about his recent (very very recent, apparently) ex and he was feeling quite upset.

2. I was expecting commitment of him waaaay to early (I did not know that cleaning your apartment and walking a girl to the bus station could be counted as commitment)

3. He was not disrespectful and had not tried to talk me into sleeping with him. Because apparently, if he had wanted to, he could have manipulated me into sleeping with him, but he didn't.

 

and 4. He was willing to give me another chance (lucky me!!) but I had to show him some willingness and enthusiasm...

 

4 big red flags to walk/run/sprint away!

[missmarple]

Wow, he's an even bigger loser than I thought. You're so lucky he didn't manipulate you into sleeping with him

[annie24]

Lol, don't bother replying!! Ugh!

[hilarious]

dont know what others said but why are you even talking about what is going to happen. I understand you want to make things clear but I think there is a huge red flag when he wants to meet you at his place all the time and gets disappointed when you tell him it will not happen.

 

really, if you dont want to get hurt dont do it. ditch him.