Here I Go Again...Mia74

[mia74]

Just thought I would start a journal. Something to write how I feel when my head feels like it will explode wanting to talk to him. When my life feels so off track because I feel I lost my best friend in him. I cant say I dont hold hope he will return at this point. I must say with all we have been thru I wanted to marry him. Funny to hear myself say that when I was never the girl that wanted to marry and lost a couple boyfriends due to that reason. Here I am finally grown up and wanting that commitment from him. Knowing if I had him I would be happy with no other man but him for the rest of my life. Sounds so odd to finally say that and know with no doubt I mean that.

I guess we broke up (never officially said so) but its been since probably the second week of November. After a nice little vacation away together. I thought things were fine. THen I brought up breaking up while pms and tried to get him to understand i didnt mean it. But, I see now he really ran with that anyway. He was trying really hard but I know that in some ways he was distancing himself. There was a few clues.I tried talking him into staying. I knew I didnt want to end things. I just wanted marriage. 8 years dating. Breakups before. LTR for that time period. I would have moved given a marriage plan. Then, I text and emailed and called. He answered each time. Last call was about two weeks ago and it went well but then i text him over a week ago and asked if he was busy. All I got was a "yes" reply. Then no call or nothing. I dont know what else to do so I have backed off. Havent tried since.

Maybe here I can get out all that stays in my head. I still want to contact him. I still want to let him know just how much I love him. That he did make me happy. That he was someone I would never leave. I want the promises he gave me when we first met years ago. How he told me it was us against the world. We could do anything together. I believed him. We were both so different it just worked. Now, he is gone. I am getting thru the days and maybe it is because I still have this hope that he realizes. This man that told me I make him so happy. Knowing I cant push him to choose to stay but I can give him space to realize if being without me is what is best for him or what he wants then I will have to respect that. Its hard to not reach out. I want to fight for this. Deep down I think it is best but then reality hits me and I think I have to respect time to let him feel or not feel. Either I am the one or I am not. If he moves on without me in his life then my answer will be given with time. If it brings him back to me because he sees he cant live over time away without me I could only hope.

But I have to let him figure that part out. I have always pushed. I reached out. I fought for us. I would always fight for us but I need to know he will fight for us too. I must give him time. I must leave him be. I must take care of me.

[mia74]

Very hard day today. Christmas and I woke up crying my eyes out. I am going to spend time with my family and honestly I know I need to but to even get out of the apartment today will be hard. I just want to be alone today. I cant control my crying and its hard to be around others during this time. I want so badly to text or call but I will fight it off. I know emotionally I am not in a good place today so it would probably be a train wreck IF I did try to reach out. Im starting to wonder alot. MY mind is over thinking a lot. I seem to have all these theories about his life now and of course who knows the truth. I can assume all day. But here I sit in my chair typing this and thinking that I havent heard anything since I sent him that text asking him if he was busy.. reply only said "yes".

So, what do I do today? Stay busy I guess. Go spend some time with family and then get home and get thru the rest of the day. I hate that I am going thru this again. Its not the first time I have been here but I really thought things were different. I thought we were heading the same direction.

[mia74]

I really think somedays I am just going to snap. I have lost so many people In my life. I went from a carefree girl to a girl that loves a guy with all my heart. I used to protect my heart. I used to just not get close to people. Then I lost two family members within months and then Its like I grew up overnight. I loved with my heart open and left myself to get hurt. I cant even fathom opening up again to anyone. This has to be the worst feeling. After 8 years I am nothing but a girl that is left behind. I cant even get a Xmas text or call. Disposable goods. Guess its just a pitty party day. Sorry. Even when I was cold, I never intentionally hurt anyone. i just told people upfront so they didnt get close to me. I was so scared to get hurt that I just avoided anything too serious. Then I got in a long relationship on and off for ten year. That guy left me since I wasnt ready for marriage. Then I just dated and didnt get too close to anyone. Then my marriage which I did to keep him from leaving me after losing the long term guy due to lack of commitment. The marriage ended after he verbally and physically abused me and wouldnt stop. Then dating some more and then my current M. 8 years and after the first three of being cautious I allowed myself to get close when he was there for me during my two family losses. After I got close, he changed and did the opposite. Now, here I am. Wanting this man that I love to at least acknowledge me so I know I was something. His last email told me he loved me. I struggle wanting to contact. Its so hard. But after that short reply to my last text two weeks ago what am I supposed to do?

[mia74]

Got thru Christmas. Was with family although I cried a big portion of my morning. Hard day but thank goodness for my family that puts up with me.

Finally got a text. Just a generic text from him but I guess its nice to know I was thought of even if for a moment.

[mia74]

Okay day today and then just started crying on the way home. Something about early mornings and mostly late at night. I miss him today. Guess no more then any other day. Chest hurts. Feels like I am sinking today.

[mia74]

I went with my niece today. Got out of the apartment and just did some shopping and errands. I get home and feel sad again. Miss him but have my moments of being also angry that I waited 8 years hoping he would ask me to marry him. I didnt think I would want it again but then he came along and we just got each other. Got to be strong.