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Am I forcing my feelings?


Di84

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A few years ago I met this guy (let's call him Dave) at a bar. I really was attracted to him and somehow ended up talking to him. We ended up going on a few dates back then but it didn't go anywhere because we were both fresh out of relationships and I remember thinking he was really just too shy and slightly insecure. I am a pretty outgoing person and I generally like when men are confident and can take the lead in a relationship and I remember feeling with him back then that he lacked both those qualities. I have my reasoning for feeling that way back then about him but I don't want to get into that now. We decided to remain friends mutually.

 

Fast forward to now, 3 years later. A couple months ago he messaged me on facebook to tell me he was in europe and all about his trip and places that I loved. We were friends so I thought it was fun that he thought of me on his trip but I also questioned if he was thinking of me with other motives... like he missed me or wanted to give it another try with me. Long story short, we end up going on a date again. In fact, we ended up going on a few dates. The thing is, I still feel the same way about him today and although I am in a much better place now emotionally than I was 3 years ago, I still don't get excited by him. Here's the thing though, I do like spending time with him...and I do find him to be an attractive guy but something is missing. I keep giving it another try to see if it'll grow and everyone tells me that I need to give it a chance but we've gone on several dates now and I can't help but feel like I don't REALLY want this to turn into a relationship. When we first went on a few dates I thought this could turn into something great but then it slowly died and that was right after we had attempted to have sex (i'll explain shortly).

 

Dave is a super super nice guy... very respectful and smart. And I feel like this is what I need in my life so I am trying hard to feel excitement for him because he is the type of man that would be a good husband.. or at least I think. But I don't feel a crazy attraction to him and he doesn't excite me now. Do you think excitement can grow? I truly believe that if it's not there in the honeymoon phase, it'll never be there... but i could be wrong.

 

A couple weeks ago I was over at his place and we finally (after maybe 15 dates) were about to have sex. When I got on top of him after making out for what seemed like an eternity because he wasn't making any moves to make it progress, I noticed he didn't have an erection and he was actually kind of nervous. I asked him if everything was ok and if he was nervous or if I was doing something wrong. He said "no no of course not!"... so we continued to make out but he just couldn't get hard and well, I got just stopped and got dressed (feeling pretty awkward about it all) and eventually just left his place. The next morning he texted me to apologize about what happened and told me that he was so nervous with me and that I was always this girl he thought he could never have and that he always thought I was so beautiful and when it finally came to sleeping with me, he had performance anxiety. I told him it was all ok and that he didn't have to feel sorry about it...that it happens. To be honest with you though, that incident killed the little bit of excitement I did even have for him. I think it was because it confirmed to me that he really has a confidence issue and I just didn't want to ever end up in bed with him again because of what happened. I know it sounds really awful of me, but I was so turned off.

 

Even though I was turned off by the whole sex thing, I decided to still keep it going ... that that wasn't a valid reason for me to break things off with the poor guy. The other day he brought up coming over and spending the day in my bed but I disregarded it and suggested we go out for brunch..which we did, and it was fun.... but when the day is over and I am back home, I don't miss him. And I feel like I should miss him and want to see him all the time..especially now.

 

So here's the issue here. I feel numb in general. I often like someone initially and then realize I prefer being alone. I can't figure out if I like Dave or not - trust me, I know it sounds like i really don't from this thread but he has a lot of great qualities that I do like.... but maybe I am forcing myself to like him because of those good qualities more than I actually do like him. Truthfully, I am worried that the longer I am single (3 years now) the harder it will be for me to settle with anyone and it scares me. All my friends are married now and sometimes I feel like marriage is just not in the cards for me and it saddens me. I am going on 30 and I guess I am still somewhat young but I do feel that this is the age I wanted to look for a life partner.

 

In your opinion, do you think that as you get older and begin looking and considering long term commitment and marriage, do you care more about finding someone who possesses amazing qualities although the crazy attraction isn't there, or do you look for someone who you have a crazy attraction to and obviously has good qualities too? I just feel like a lot of people settle...and I can't... and that I will keep seeking this crazy attraction with someone (Which is really important to me....and I don't mean the man has to be a model or anything like that... but I need to feel a deep desire to be with him bot sexually and mentally) and amazing qualities - but this might just keep me being single forever because that "perfect" person doesn't exist or maybe he does, but that perfect person won't love me the way I'd love him.

 

Thoughts?

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"he is the type of man that would be a good husband"

and" the poor guy"

 

Next.... if you really think of him as "the poor guy" and as some "type" who would make a good husband then please let him find someone who won't feel like she's settling for him or feel that kind of pity for him.

I think you need to feel excited and sure about the person you're going to commit to long term. Qualities aren't amazing in a vacuum -they are amazing because in a relationship they work for the couple. Focusing on someone's pros and cons or "qualities" is often a sign that things aren't right. Figure out what your important values and goals are that you must have in common with a long term partner and then figure out the short list of other things that are musts so that you have that in mind when you're in social situations or looking on line.

I wouldn't look for the perfect person but someone who is perfect for you -huge difference -someone you feel at home with and also excited about.

I think some people settle when they're 20, 30, 40 - I think some people give the impression that they're settling because the person they end up with is not as hot looking as the people they hooked up with or dated in the past - but don't be fooled.

Here's what I cared about. I wanted someone who also wanted marriage and family, who had compatible values to me, who was on the same wavelength as me intellectually/professionally/ambitious, etc. And chemistry and passion were essential. That chemistry/passion may fade at times or feel non-existent during rough times but if you had it together, if you can bring to mind quickly why you are with that person those rougher times or "eh" times are but a blip on the radar. If you don't have a foundation of chemistry/passion then often there's no glue to hold you together.

 

This guy deserves someone who admires him, respects him and is sexually attracted to him -not someone who regards him as good on paper and pities him if he can't perform sexually for some reason.

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I agree, Batya. He does deserve better than that for sure. I don't pitty him at all... I think I wrote that like I do. I do respect him as well and have never treated him otherwise, but maybe we are just better off as friends. Sex is important to me and I thought that if we were compatible in bed that would definitely help me feel more for him.... because I do like him... but it ended up just reinforcing my lack of passion for him. It just bothers me I guess because I want to really like him and he is the ideal guy...but I am not feeling enough and this is what drives me crazy. I should feel more for him because there is nothing wrong with him but for some reason, it's not coming to me. And I've been like this with almost every guy I've dated and sometimes I think it's because I won't let myself fall in love with someone and that I deep down, I want to be alone because that's what I am comfortable with.

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Girl, I thought you meant you've had a few dates like 3 dates. You have had 15?! Let him go.

 

I agree you need to find someone you feel at home with yet excited about. You don't need crazy attraction, but you would need to want to have SEX with him, my goodness.

 

Don't assume that everyone out there is settling. I think a lot of people are compromising and becoming more realistic. For me, that means wanting 'attraction and compatibility' versus 'crazy attraction.' And there is a difference.

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I agree you should let him go and if compatibility means that your partner can't have trouble having intercourse on certain occasions then that's your priority/values. My sense is that's not your priority -you didn't want him that way in the first place but needed an excuse to reject him in your mind because of your "perfect on paper" opinion.

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These are just my thoughts I feel what you are searching for an ideal mate crazy attraction sexually and mentally to last a life time is fantasy. Life has ups and downs and to expect a partner to bring excitement into ones life is too much ask from a person. The history of love we know today is new ...it really just began in the Victorian age before that couples got married to fulfill basic needs. I believe finding a mate is so much harder because many based their definition on chemistry rather than the good qualities a person has.

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