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He wants more space, I don't know how to give it...


Dobsd

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Hi there,

 

A brief background to my relationship:

We lived next door to each other in the UK, then he moved to NZ. A year and a half later, after chatting a lot online, he asked me to move to NZ with him so I did.

We lived together straight away and it was quite intense. Right from the beginning I got the feeling he wasn't actually sure about us, he was very apathetic toward our relationship and gave me no romance or affection.

We lived together for around a year and then I moved out a month ago because we hadn't been getting on. The main reason is that he 'wants more space' and he felt he wasn't getting it whilst we were living together. So, I moved out with the agreement that we would keep trying at it and eventually, hopefully, things would get better.

A week after I moved out, I stayed over at his place and he was just downright nasty to me. He ignored me and snapped at me when he did talk. The next day he said it was because he had seen me too soon after moving out. I was really upset that he had reacted like that to seeing me. I went out with work friends that night and ended up kissing some random guy. I was very drunk and I still hate myself for it. I told my bf the next day. We broke up, then met up a couple of times to talk about things. The second time we met he told me he was willing to give it another try, so that's where we are now...

It has been three weeks since the kiss and whilst I understand he isn't going to forget this over night, I feel he's torturing me for it. We went away this weekend with a bunch of friends camping. In my Eyes, we had a great time with each other and with our friends. On the way home he was very quiet, so I eventually asked him what was wrong and he said he's not sure about us still. I went home and we were chatting online and he said he needs space. I don't know how much more space I can give him?! I moved out to give him space and I now see him once or twice a week. He said I was texting/calling too much so I have stopped now unless he texts me. I bumped into him today and he told me again he needs more space. I just don't know what to do now. How can I give him more space?

 

Please help!

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Remain as you are, I suggest. Don't text unless he does first. And it's not like you're always at his door or harassing him so then leave all as it is.

I honestly think he rushed the idea of you moving there with him. Like was possibly thinking twice, after the initial invite- then regret? With how he's been since.

 

I'd seriously look at walking away from this and leaving as it is. It just doesn't seem like he's ever been totally into this.

Sadly...

sorry

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Thanks for your reply, SooSad.

That's the impression I'm getting too He keeps telling me he wants to be with me but I'm starting to think that maybe he does truly want a relationship, just not with me. Maybe he hasn't realised that yet? Or maybe he has and doesn't have the guts to say it.

I almost feel duped by him. He was so loving and affectionate when our relationship was online. Then after I got here, he's a completely different person...

I want to give it one last try with him though, so really, I need advise on how to give him (even more) space. I'm quite naive when it comes to things like this. I'm a very straightforward person, especially in relationships, so the whole idea of how to 'play the game' is very alien to me!

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Moving out was a step backwards, and never resolves anything....it's not working out so why keep beating a dead horse if you both are not happy. Relationships will come and go in your life. this one will end and so will the next....it is just how things are.

 

On line relationships are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. To make up for the lack of physical contact our imaginations fill in the void and sometimes the image we have of them gets spun out of control. You can't possibly know someone until you spend time together physically....that is when you see for who they are, and if there is any true chemistry. Clearly he isn't satisfied with you so why stick around if he keeps pushing you away. Reality is, this relationship is a no go.

 

Tip: go by their actions, not what they tell you. You are right he doesn't have the guts to tell you so it's looking like he is leaving that up to you.

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Thanks for the reply Smackie. Our relationship wasn't completely online, we knew each other a couple of years before he moved to NZ. That's when the relationship went cyber...

I completely agree with you about moving out being a step back. I said that to him at the time but he countered that by saying it would give us the chance to 'date', because we never really had that.

In spite of that, I think you're probably right that this relationship will end and I think I need to be the one to do it if he can't be man enough.

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Read the second quote in my signature.

 

I think you have a guy who doesn't want to be with you but isn't ready to break up yet. Maybe he's afraid of being alone or he's worried about missing your companionship.

 

It sounds like you have been together for at least 2.5 years. And you lived unhappily for a year. He showed you in the year that you lived together that he does not love you the way you deserve. And if he met the 'right girl' he would be out the door.

 

How to give him more space? Ha. He's got one foot out the door. The best thing you can do is pull the trigger. You all are not happy, he does not see a future with you (and he's had enough time to figure that out), he is pushing you away, and your misery is making you prone to cheating.

 

Get out now.

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Thanks, Ms Darcy.

I know I should be the one to pull the trigger and put an end to all of this but I just keep thinking, "what if"... He says he wants to be with me, so I keep thinking there's hope.

After I told him I'd cheated, he told me that recently his feelings for me had waned (even before the kiss) and that he felt very little love for me. But he keeps telling me that could come back if we try hard enough. It's funny, as I'm typing this I'm actually thinking "wow, he's keeping you hooked and you don't even know it".

 

But even then.... What if things could be better? This is so hard

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It sounds like his idea of "space" is keeping you on the back burner, while he shops around for a better deal. Either way, you're currently in the category of being an option, versus being in the priority status where you should be. There will always be woulda coulda shoulda's, but that inner voice is usually correct.

 

Take care...

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What if would have already happened by now......

 

I guess you're right I guess I should just end it. I've tried so hard the last year to make things right but it's never enough for him, he always just keeps me hanging on but I'm sick of hanging on now, I need my feet back on solid ground!!

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I know I should be the one to pull the trigger and put an end to all of this but I just keep thinking, "what if"...

 

What if what? He decides to be nice to you? Ms Darcy is right "if a person treats you badly, he doesn't value you". Also, when one person works too hard at the relationship, the other person doesn't need to.

 

The signs have been on the wall since you came out from Eng. You kissing someone else would only have given your boyfriend an excuse.

 

You need to leave him and stop hanging out with your mutual friends for now.

 

There are lots of Kiwi guys who will be more than happy to help you get over him - maybe even the guy you came to NZ to meet. As long as you stay with this guy who's only lukewarm about you, the longer it'll take to find someone who can't live without you.

 

Kia kaha

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What if what? He decides to be nice to you? Ms Darcy is right "if a person treats you badly, he doesn't value you". Also, when one person works too hard at the relationship, the other person doesn't need to.

 

The signs have been on the wall since you came out from Eng. You kissing someone else would only have given your boyfriend an excuse.

 

You need to leave him and stop hanging out with your mutual friends for now.

 

There are lots of Kiwi guys who will be more than happy to help you get over him - maybe even the guy you came to NZ to meet. As long as you stay with this guy who's only lukewarm about you, the longer it'll take to find someone who can't live without you.

 

Kia kaha

 

What's making it so hard is that he's saying all the right things - he says he wants to be with me and that he wants it to work out.he has this very specific idea in his head of what he wants in a relationship. Just today he said he would like to see me for an afternoon or evening, then not hear from me for a couple of days or see me, so he gets chance to miss me. He wants us to be very independent. I am independent but he just wants more and more from me, or rather, less and less.

I keep thinking "yeah I can do that", but then when it comes to it, I find it hard to just have no contact at all with him. Even if I send a text saying "Good morning, hope you have a great day", he gets pissed off. He thinks that's normal and that I'm being clingy, but I honestly don't think I am.

I've been beginning to wonder if maybe that is normal and that's what everybody else's relationships are like. I have no idea!

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The more you talk, the less I think he loves you.

 

If a man needs this much space from you, you might as well be in a long-distance relationship. He shouldn't have to create false distance in order to have feelings for you. You aren't listening to what he is saying ... he is telling you that he doesn't care/love/desire you on his own. He has to insert artificial distance to feel anything for you.

 

That is not a compliment AT ALL. There is no way he could be married to you. There is no future here.

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Just today he said he would like to see me for an afternoon or evening, then not hear from me for a couple of days or see me, so he gets chance to miss me. He wants us to be very independent.

 

What about what you want dobsd?

 

If this were a job and your boss told you he didn't want to see you a lot, would you keep trying to twist and turn yourself into the perfect employee? Even while you were telling him that you need a 9-5 salary.

 

You're entitled to want a proper relationship with someone who wants to see you everyday.

 

He needs a couple of days to miss you? Do you hear what you're saying. This guy is playing you for a fool. And the more that you try to accommodate him the more respect he'll lose for you.

 

I know the breakup is going to hurt but you really must accept that things aren't going to work out with him.

 

When you accept that, break up with him. Because he is going to break up with you. And you are going to beg and plead and lose even more of your self worth.

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This is what you should do dobsd:

(1) book the earliest flight back to England

(2) go home and pack up your stuff and go stay in a hostel or with a friend who doesn't know your boyfriend

(3) block his phone number, send his emails to trash, and block him on facebook

(4) leave NZ

(5) get someone back home to pick you up at the airport.

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This is what you should do dobsd:

(1) book the earliest flight back to England

(2) go home and pack up your stuff and go stay in a hostel or with a friend who doesn't know your boyfriend

(3) block his phone number, send his emails to trash, and block him on facebook

(4) leave NZ

(5) get someone back home to pick you up at the airport.

 

Not a chance! I love it here so much I'm staying whether I'm with him or not!

 

He asked me to come over tonight to talk about things. He said I'm not giving him enough space because I'm 'constantly' texting and sending facebook messages. I'd be interested to see what other people view as 'too much'. I text him maybe once a day, sometimes not until later in the day. If I don't get a response, I leave it at that. Or if I need to tell or ask him something, I might text him again. Is that too much?!

 

Anyway, I ended the talk (which could be more aptly described as a blazing row - first one I've ever had, felt good!) by saying something along the lines of "Here's what's going to happen - I'm going to give you the space you so desperately need. You're going to have so much space you won't know what to do with it. Don't contact me until after new year and when you do come crawling back, you better be ready to compromise and play fair. If you're not ready to do that, don't bother"...

 

Man, that felt good!

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Not a chance! I love it here so much I'm staying whether I'm with him or not!

 

It's good to hear that you love it in your adopted country. You started a new life there and as a previous poster pointed out, you may find the right guy for you right there!

 

Anyway, I ended the talk (which could be more aptly described as a blazing row - first one I've ever had, felt good!) by saying something along the lines of "Here's what's going to happen - I'm going to give you the space you so desperately need. You're going to have so much space you won't know what to do with it. Don't contact me until after new year and when you do come crawling back, you better be ready to compromise and play fair. If you're not ready to do that, don't bother"...

 

Man, that felt good!

 

This is a big step forward in taking the power back and being more assertive. However... you still left the ball in his court. He knows you're upset but not "done".

 

Without real fear of losing you, it doesn't light a fire under his butt to change his behavior towards you. In his view he can just wait you out, and while you're unofficially on a "break".. while the cat's away the mice will play mentality might come into play as he enjoys his "freedom".

 

Ultimately this is key:

He needs a couple of days to miss you? Do you hear what you're saying. This guy is playing you for a fool. And the more that you try to accommodate him the more respect he'll lose for you.
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Anyway, I ended the talk (which could be more aptly described as a blazing row - first one I've ever had, felt good!) by saying something along the lines of "Here's what's going to happen - I'm going to give you the space you so desperately need. You're going to have so much space you won't know what to do with it. Don't contact me until after new year and when you do come crawling back, you better be ready to compromise and play fair. If you're not ready to do that, don't bother"...

 

Man, that felt good!

 

I'm so glad you found your power.

 

However... you still left the ball in his court. He knows you're upset but not "done".

 

This is true but... I still think you did the right thing.

 

Whatever you do please, please do not contact him before New Year's or before he contacts you (or he'll know he can walk all over you). And if he contacts you before New Year's, I think you should still wait until after New Year's to respond.

 

Good luck and enjoy the hols.

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I would not anticipate him changing. If I were you I would cut contact completely. He does not love you so any contact is too much.

 

I get the feeling you will break down and get in touch. The one who loves the least has the most power.

 

I agree with this. You have to act a certain way in order for him to have a relationship with you. That is bs. You have expectations, like you want to enjoy showing your affection, even through a text or phone call and have him recipocate....you are not having your expectations fulfilled and that means you both are not compatible. You are setting for less, when you should be demanding more. This relationship is a fail.

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Well, the last two days have been a roller coaster!

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together and everything was.... Ok. Yesterday (26th) he went home from my place to get showered and we arranged to meet at a local mall. On my way there, he called to say that actually it would probably be too busy and just stress us out (which he was right about!) so to just come to his house. I went there and (sorry if this is too much info) it was evident that he had been watching porn. This doesn't bother me usually, I know porn is just porn, but he had turned me down in the morning. This has happened a few times before and makes me feel pretty undesirable. I explained this to him, he got annoyed and I left. A few hours later he called and apologised and I went back over to resume our evening. We discussed our NYE plans and he wanted to meet a friend for NY and we had both agreed beforehand that as things are at the moment, we shouldn't spend 5 whole days together, so he would go alone. He suggested we do something together today and tomorrow instead. I wanted to wait until the new year so that we had a chance to let things simmer down a bit first. His idea won, so today we went away for the weekend. He had said last night that he would really try over these next couple of days and was sorry for treating me so crappy the last few days. I was excited for us to go away, yet still a little apprehensive. This morning, I woke up and he was awake reading the news. I said good morning and he instantly started having a go at me. This made me even more apprehensive! I got ready to go, packed etc and he said he would snap out of his mood soon.

Anyway, to cut a long story short. We drive two hours to the place we were staying and his mood was still there despite my trying to snap him out of it. He moped around the town and barely spoke. We sat down for a minute and out of my mouth came "this isn't working! I think we should break up"....

 

So... That's where it is at now and I actually feel relieved. I went through the heartbreak the last time we broke up so I don't actually feel too bad right now. I feel sad, but mostly relieved that I don't have to put up with all of this stuff any more.

 

Sorry for the extra-long post, but thought I'd fill you guys in after you were all so helpful

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