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I found out she slept with someone. Totally crushed today


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I am beside myself today. I haven't eaten anything of even gotten out of bed.

 

Some of you may remember my story. If not here's a quick rundown. She and I were together 18 months. Very committed relationship. We moved in together 7 months in. She had what I would consider a promiscuous past, but her affection for me was so over the top I saw past it. A year into the relationship she got cervical cancer. I loved her with all my heart and stayed with her and supported her financially while she recovered from surgery. She made a full recovery. What didn't recover was our once amazing sex life. We never had sex once after her surgery. I never pushed it or tried to guilt her, I gave her time to heal physically and emotionally. Our relationship began to crumble, she became distant and very critical of me. She dumped me and I moved out a month ago. She claimed to the end that she had lost all interest in sex, and didn't want to be with anyone at the moment.

 

I learned last night that she went out drinking, and had sex with someone I know. In a normal situation this would sting, but since she had claimed to not want sex at all this has proved to be a devastating blow. I feel completely worthless today. I had been making progress moving on. Now its as dark and bleak as it has ever been. I know we are not together and she can do what she wants with who she wants. With her cutting me off sexually for the last several months of the relationship I feel so hurt to learn that she has basically lied to me about what she was feeling. I don't know if this post is coherent at all, I jus needed to get it off my chest. How will I ever regain my self esteem and confidence? I gave this woman my all, amd she threw me away like garbage and is now having casual sex. I don't know what to do with myself today. im back at square one and hurting very badly.

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Well how to regain your self esteem? You loved her and gave everything you could. You helped her when she needed the most and she could not tell you the truth. Someday she will look back and she WILL regret doing these things and she'll think "I wish I had someone like him right now".

 

You're not worthless. You're not gargabe. Go out there and find someone who truly appreciates the things you do for her. Your EX is the one wrong here. And she is going to regret.

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1. How are you finding this out? You really need to go no contact with her ... which means not even asking friends about her nor listening to other people talk about what she is doing.

 

2. The hard truth about a break-up. Generally, when people break up with us it's because they want to be with someone else (either someone in particular or just want a different guy). It doesn't mean that we are any less. It just means that we are not compatible with them.

 

3. How to let them go? STOP FINDING OUT ABOUT THEIR DATING ACTIVITIES! That is like self-torture and an ego killer. What they do outside of a relationship with us is really not any of our business anymore. We have to be very dilligent to keep those boundaries.

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I can understand your pain and the sex sounds like just another trigger for the feelings of worthlessness she gave you. She sounds like a very selfish person. You'll get through this with time. You also learned this information last night. Of course you are deeply upset. I learned a few months ago that whenever I learn information about my ex that I need to give myself a few days or even a few weeks to just calm down and experience the emotions. I suggest you do the same. Take it easy and calm down. Also, I'm not sure how you figured out she slept with someone else but try to make an effort to avoid learning any other information about her right now. Knowing who and when she's sleeping around is only going to make things harder for you.

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You are putting way too much into this. So she had sex. That doesn't mean she has gained her desire for sex again or lied to you about it. I think she is very emotionally fragile. This doesn't mean she purposely trampled your ego, this doesn't mean she is out banging every guy insight. You truly don't know her mental state. What she went through must have been devastating, I can only imagine.....it's no different than a woman having a mastectomy. It changes a woman how she feels about herself as a woman and her self confidence.

 

Why you broke up could have been more than the lack of desire, it could have been other things you were oblivious to. Sometimes when people go through something traumatic, being with their partner is just a constant reminder of what happened. Her self esteem like yours is at an all time low.....just a train wreck.

 

If she is the lying skanky you are making her out to be then you dodged a bullet and now can heal and find someone worthy of your love....plain and simple. So stop beating yourself up, it's not worth it.

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We live in a very small town, 1,200 people. I was told this by a friend, who felt like he would be helping me move on by informing me. The guy she slept with is his brother. We have been in NC for three weeks now. I almost broke it last night, and today, but have not actually done it. The thing I am struggling with the most is that she was adamant that she didn't want anything to do with sex. For 4 months I waited for her to get back to her old self. I was there for her emotionally and financially. I waited and longed for the day we would make love again. It never happened. Now she's giving it away to someone who doesn't care about her or what she's been through. I can't help but feel worthless in the aftermath. As a man feeling rejected on a purely sexual basis is a rough feeling. Also, I have told the people who speak to me about her that I don't need updates.

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I agree, it was devastating for her. She was depressed and scared, which is to be expected in a life changing medical episode like that. I tried my best to be there for her. When we met I thought she came off as ty. She was very forward sexually on the first day we talked, which isnt something I look for in a woman to get in a relationship with. She won me over though, I've never felt so loved in my life. I accepted her as she was. To be cut off sexually from a woman who by her own admission is promiscuous was a blow to my ego. But she did have cervical cancer, so I took her at her word that she lost her desire. Now learning that she's hooking up has put me so far down that I dont know how long it will take to move on and regain my confidence.

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Well like I said with low self esteem, mixed with alcohol anything can happen....and it still doesn't mean she lied to you....it could be very true at the time she was at a lost with her lack of sexual desire.....remember women can be very emotionally weak, and having sex is used to validate that they are desired. This screams low self esteem in my books.

 

I still feel you are putting way too much into this. This has nothing to do with you, but her mental state at the time. Sh itty that it happened yes, nothing to do with your sexual ability. What happened to her messed her up.

 

Stop dwelling on the negative and be assured you will find someone worthy.

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She has serious issues with her dad, which probably has led her down the road of low self esteem and promiscuity. She also turned 30 last weekend. She had complained that she is depressed about turning 30. I think you are probably right about her having a self esteem issue. Still, its hard not to internalize it and take it as being something wrong with me. Its been a tough day for me. I really appreciate the input from you guys.

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You aren't her dad, her therapist, her bf, or her priest. Don't waste the mental energy trying to explain her mental state or her sexual activities. It's not really any of your business.

 

You need to make it clear to your friends you don't want to hear about her business either. It's all gossip to me.

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Ms Darcy is right. We can never truly understand what drives another person's choices as we don't know what they are thinking or feeling. All that mental energy you expend trying to analyze, understand and justify her actions would be far better spent on looking after yourself and reminding yourself that what she does now isn't your cross to bear.

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She has serious issues with her dad, which probably has led her down the road of low self esteem and promiscuity. She also turned 30 last weekend. She had complained that she is depressed about turning 30. I think you are probably right about her having a self esteem issue. Still, its hard not to internalize it and take it as being something wrong with me. Its been a tough day for me. I really appreciate the input from you guys.

 

The more you share the less the burden. It will only get better from here on out. Keep positive

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Ms Darcy is right. We can never truly understand what drives another person's choices as we don't know what they are thinking or feeling. All that mental energy you expend trying to analyze, understand and justify her actions would be far better spent on looking after yourself and reminding yourself that what she does now isn't your cross to bear.

 

Trust me, it's better to NOT try to get in her head. If you create a story (as I have had friends do in the past) it makes you MORE devastated if you happen to hear good news about her or see her out and about and looking happy.

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All good points. I have struggled with this breakup ten times more than any I have gone through in the past. I have also never been as devoted or committed to a woman as I was to her. I've also never been "thrown away" in a completely emotionless manner, which is essentially what happened. I try not to obsess and analyze, but inevitably I end up thinking about her. I just feel pathetic. She is out having a great time and I am miserable. I know and trust that things will improve. I am determined to stay NC.

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Don't be so sure she is having a great time. You have no idea what motivated her to sleep with him or how she is feeling in the aftermath. I know plenty of women who slept with a man thinking it would "fix" certain things in their lives and only made them feel worse.

 

Time to focus on your healing as hard as it may be.

 

Best of luck,

LNL

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I've never had cervical cancer; however I HAVE been through series of very intrusive procedures following an abnormal smear, and that was enough to put me off sex not only while the investigation was ongoing, but for quite a while afterwards as well. I can perfectly well imagine the effect actually having the cancer with all the treatment might do to your sex drive. Believe me, her loss of interest in sex was nothing to do with you.

 

So the latest news is that she got drunk and had sex. Most likely she just wanted to start again - and it might be significant that she was drunk at the time. You don't know that she was having a great time. All you know is that she got drunk and had sex... doesn't necessarily follow.

 

It's one of those ironic things - for some people, they want to get away from friends/lovers who were there for them during particularly hard times, because that person will always be a reminder. The partners of people who are very newly divorced and not healed yet often have this happen to them; the person who was actually there when they needed someone the most - is the very person who get booted out when they start to heal.

 

Again, this is nothing to do with you. And nor is it an indication that you shouldn't care about your partner in future relationships.

 

Grieving is natural, healthy and will help you move on. Feeling pathetic is an overly critical judgement of yourself, so kick that one out of the door. This whole episode has been a learning curve, and has let you know quite how much love and caring you can give - you can feel proud of that. The way that people behave is indicative of who THEY are, not who you are - and you have come through this episode as someone who's loyal, devoted and capable of commitment when the going gets really rough.

 

For healthy women - the ones you'd WANT to have a relationship with - these are all very positive qualities, ones you can be proud of. Continue your NC and leave all this stuff firmly where it belongs - in the past.

 

Good luck.

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Thanks for the comment. I read it a few times and it made me feel slightly better. As far as her treatment went there was no chemo or radiation etc, just an outpatient surgery, not to downplay the seriousness of the issue. Im trying hard to move past this. I was making really great progress in my healing, getting back to the guy I was before the split. This site, and the wisdom of many of the posters has been extremely helpful. Im very glad I stumbled on ENA. I need to get my confidence back somehow. I was always a gregarious outgoing guy. The past month I've been withdrawn and lonely. I sit in my truck on my breaks at work, so I don't have to listen to the constant sexual chatter from the other guys in the break room. For some reason I have almost no sexual desire, which is a definite change. I just want to be happy again.

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I think one of the things I am struggling with is that im left to "heal", while she's going heels to Jesus with some guy who doesn't care about her. I know I do need to heal though.the saying "when a heart breaks it doesn't break even" is very true. Life isnt fair, but that's something that I've known for a while

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I think one of the things I am struggling with is that im left to "heal", while she's going heels to Jesus with some guy who doesn't care about her. I know I do need to heal though.the saying "when a heart breaks it doesn't break even" is very true. Life isnt fair, but that's something that I've known for a while

 

I think that's the reason why must dumpee's suffer too much. While we are crying and missing them, they are hanging with other people having fun and laughing. It's normal and at some time, you're probably going to be the one having fun...I know I have and let me tell you, most of the time my ex was nowhere near my thoughts.

 

Give it time. You will survive and you will be ready to love again.

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Im starting I to think that simply put, I need to get laid. Probably be the best medicine for me right now. It would help knock her off the pedestal I've foolishly put her on, and help me with my confidence. Sorry to sound so crude, just a thought I had today.

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I slept with someone after me and my ex broke up. I was drunk with friends in Las Vegas and met a guy while travelling, at first it gave me a confidence boost but afterwards I felt worse and missed my ex more. I only did it because I thought there was no hope and like you, thought it would fix how I felt. It didn't work for me, but everyone is different. Just stick to your values and don't do anything if it feels like revenge.

 

Personally I wouldn't suggest sleeping with anyone until you are over your ex.

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Im starting I to think that simply put, I need to get laid. Probably be the best medicine for me right now. It would help knock her off the pedestal I've foolishly put her on, and help me with my confidence. Sorry to sound so crude, just a thought I had today.

 

Like Jay said, take care. It can help some and ruin others. It did help for me, but only because I know it doesn't matter what happens in my life, my ex is completely gone FOREVER.

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Im starting I to think that simply put, I need to get laid. Probably be the best medicine for me right now. It would help knock her off the pedestal I've foolishly put her on, and help me with my confidence. Sorry to sound so crude, just a thought I had today.

 

I feel sorry for the woman you would sleep with.

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^ this.

 

Don't use someone to get over your ex. I regretted what I did because I was drunk and out partying. His friends and my friends were trying to hook us up. It happened and when I continued travelling we never spoke again. It makes you feel cheap and de valued, especially as I'd never done it outside a relationship before and had only been with 2 people.

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