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betrayed and after all these months he makes contact. what to do?


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Hey everyone. I was hoping to share my experience here and see if anyone had any advice etc. Hell, just to share this to see if anyone else has felt the same. So here we go.

 

I had been with my boyfriend for what would have been five years in November. He was my first everything. The first guy I let so far into my life and we were great together. We had a few problems but always worked through them. Last October after my friends wedding I asked him what he saw for us in the future. He then confessed he hadn't been happy for some time. We broke up for a while. I was miserable and wanted a face to face talk. That night we gave it another go. We had missed each other so much and he thought he had lost me. I made him promise that if he started feeling that way again he had to tell me and he agreed.

 

Everything seemed great. We talked all the time and pushed each other in what we loved. Recently he came over to hang out and seemed ok. Mid conversation he blurted out that he wasn't happy again and didn't love me like he should do. He did it again. After that time there were arguments and emails back and forth. First he didn't know why and he felt like he couldn't appreciate me. Then when I pointed out that I found out the first time was because his friend got married and he got nervous and the second time was after another wedding. He sent an email saying how we couldn't talk like his friends (we did) I never pushed him to be passionate about what he loves (I was the only one that did, from saying "don't worry about our date this weekend, you get to the workshop hon" or buying him books on guitar building etc)That I made him feel old (I tried everything to get him to have fun, even simple things like taking him to movies and dinners etc) That I didn't notice he wasn't feeling right (hard when they show no sign at all) and a real stinger for me was when he said we could pass the time with food or sex. That hurt. He was my first and sex was in no way "a way to pass time to me". To think about this and all the times he said he loved me etc it now seems cheap and useless. The very night before he dumped me he told me how he missed me and loved me. Then he let me go.

 

I know it sounds big headed but I figure A girl that loves you regardless of the fact you worry about being short and balding, that gives up so much so you can pursu your dream, that draws comics fir you just to make you laugh, that loves your family and friends who also lovebher back, likes seeing you play videogames and cuddling on the couch with dinner and a movie and dressing up for a night out was a good thing.

 

It has been a few months now but it still really hurts. This was my first love. My best friend. The guy I thought would always be there for me and vice versa. But no.

 

He left in July. There was no contact. I deleted all ways of contacting him and went to uni.

 

He recently emailed. He was wondering how I was. I cleared my chest and told him what he did was beyond ****. That he was wrong and that I was all that and more.

 

He apologised. That he was ashamed of what he had written and he was wrong. That he had been bottling things up until it was too late. That he was so down he wound up taking out a loan and moving to the other side of the world for a few months. He says he wants to be friends but will totally butt out if it's too hurtful. That theres no pressure.

He speaks about trying to be a better man but what gets me is that he couldn't do it for me. That some other woman will get what I had deserved. I admitted the idea of seeing him move on to someone else that I know will never be as good as me yet will get the "new and improved him" is a kick in the heart.

That I was simply the catalyst to guilt him into being a good guy. He said as he was blocked from my fb he googled me and regularly checks my pinterest again pointing out it was simply to find out if I was ok. He said in another email he wasn't writing to try crawl back and that he cared about me and respected me and whatever decision I made.

 

I wrote to him saying that the majority of his messages centred round apologising to me as a way to make him feel better and that I cannot fully accept his apology. He destroyed my trust. I was in love and would do anything for him without asking. It's just who I am. Whether going out, sitting on the couch with pizza and a movie or encouraging him to hang with his friends, go to his workshop or relax and play games. And he threw it away for a reason I still don't fully know or understand. I don't know what to do so I asked him to leave me alone for a while. Try again in the new year,

 

Anyway, I expected a fight and he just apologised again. He admitted he still sounded like a selfish and that there was no pressure or time frame. That his hand would be outstretched if I wanted to take it.

 

I am just so confused. It almost felt like talking to the guy I used to spend every day with. My friend believes he is being manipulative and doesn't understand why I would consider letting him back into my life. I feel so naive and don't know what to do. This was a guy I didn't go a day without hearing from him for almost five years. My other half and best friend.

 

Is he just saying he's not crawling back? Can I handle letting him back into my life or not? So many issues to deal with... If only life were simple eh?

 

But anyway. Thanks for listening. Any advice etc. would be greatly appreciated

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He feels guilty about what he's done and he's pulling out the lets be friends card to make himself feel better. You don't sound like you could handle a friendship with him now. If I was you I'd politely tell him it's to soon and to contact you in a few years if he still wants to be friends.

 

He speaks about trying to be a better man but what gets me is that he couldn't do it for me. That some other woman will get what I had deserved. I admitted the idea of seeing him move on to someone else that I know will never be as good as me yet will get the "new and improved him" is a kick in the heart.

 

Don't think about someone getting a better him think about him missing out on a better you. Now is a great time to concentrate on you, do the things you love, learn something new, even just reflect on what you want out of life. It's him that's missing out not you. You will find a great guy who appreciates you!

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If you let him back into your life it will mess with your head. Guaranteed. And even if he wanted reconciliation, you've already been down that road with him once and you know where it took you. Tell him you don't want him in your life at all, in any way shape or form, that's my advice.

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Hi girl, I have the exact same thoughts on how I made her a better, more mature person and now all energy I put in her that is going to be taken advantage of by someone else. It's a really painful feeling, I know. I feel ya and would appreciate anyone's advice regarding letting go of these thoughts..

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Who knows what his intentions are with "wanting to be friends". My ex called after breaking up with me the first time saying he "wanted to be friends" and I went crazy at him saying that's never gonna happen and then the weirdo liked that and started crying and we got back together and then he put me through an emotional rollercoaster for about a year where he was abusive to me and threatened to leave many times and then left me. I do not trust men who keep breaking up with people at all. Neither should you. I told mine I didn't want to be friends again this time and he and me have not spoken in 2 and a half months. We could NEVER be friends. I think when two people are so close the break ups nearly kill them those two people can never be friends. It's hard but it is true.

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It is hard. Putting so much love into something and being happy then having to push it away. I miss him a lot but I can't have what made me so happy. From being so close, wanting as little as a kiss on the forehead and a cuddle.

Perhaps one day I can forgive.

Perhaps even one day (if I want it) I shall see a shadow in the distance. As it get's closer, it turns out to be a muscular bearded man with a pizza in one hand and a cute dog in the other. And...his shirt is moving?.... Oh! It's because he is using his manly manly body to warm a litter of kittens. And he shall look at me and say "J, let us eat pizza, cuddle and watch movies whilst playing with these cute animals"

....I don't think I'm asking too much eh?

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The fact is you know what will happen if you take that "outstretched hand." This is a guy, who for whatever god-awful reason either likes the chase more than the actual relationship or the fact that you bolster his ego or just that he enjoys hurting you or.or.or fill in reason why he is a total a**hat to you. None of it matters, what matters is that you know if you let him back into your life he will do it again. And he will do it as many times as you let him. It really is that simple.

 

I know, I did it with someone like that for six years. And for the last three yeas he has sworn repeatedly he won't do it again. I just delete the messages whenever he gets through with yet another unblocked number or email that I have to add to the blocked list that I add to the growing list of blocked contacts for him. I am with someone else now who loves me consistently. And I have to say consistency is a trait that is far more valuable than one realizes until you finally find it in someone you love more than the inconsistent perpetually hot/cold ex.

 

Give someone else a chance who will consistently love you or not love you, but not one one day and then the other the next then back to love then to...that way lies insanity per this definition: insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's awful. The only way out is to never let them in no matter what lie they tell you and yes, we both know it's a lie when they say they won't do it again.

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Also having gone through I am going to tell you, anyone else after you won't get a new and improved him. They'll get the same person you were with and he will likely do the same or worse to them. My guy carried on about how much I'd changed him for the better blah-blah-blah, but he's cheated on both the women he tried to have relationships with since me and did the same mad come here-go away with them as well. Sorry, it's a flaw within them and something only they can fix, but unfortunately they often like to fool themselves and you into thinking they have gotten better or can do better. The truth is they can't, because something is broken to begin with. Or they wouldn't do what they do to begin with.

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Agreed. You know I used to see people in these situations and think "why the Hell are you thinking like that? Tell him to get ****ed!" But I see it's not so simple. It really should be! It rounds simple enough but when you've actually been put in the situation yourself, it's tough. I deleted all ways of contacting him before and didn't look for him on Google or ask people about him. I find it odd he did all that. Also said he's not deleting any photos etc. That made me feel a bit bad but I couldn't look at his face.

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To me, he is making it clear that he misses you, he cares about you, he feels bad about how hard you took the break-up, and primarily HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN RECONCILIATION.

 

He wants to be friends.

 

Him apologizing, reflecting on improvements, talking about his struggles, has nothing to do with reconciliation. It's all about making himself feel better. Now, if you were over him and were ready to be friends, I would say hey go for it. But it is clear that you would get messed up in the head if you keep talking to him.

 

He's moving on and you should too.

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