A moment of weakness

[nohopeatall]

Last year around this time, exactly Xmas day, my ex husband announced that he wanted to divorce. I have been chasing after him for 10 months on and off until few weeks before it finalize and I finally gave up. We have been NC for 2.5 almost 3 months now. I was very happy these few weeks and start to enjoy myself. However, tonight, I don't know why it's like tons of bricks hitting on my heart. I could not stop crying and thinking about two years ago, the new year eve we spent together promised he would die after me so I won't be alone myself when we got old.

 

I know some people may say it's been a year I should move on. I thought I did after 2 months of NC. I didn't hate him nor mad at him. I was immature and stubborn in our marriage back then. Even though we only together for 3.5 years, I know that's the person I loved the most in my life. I finally learn what is the unconditional love, that's why i let him go. I know that's what he wants and so that's why i stay in NC as well. Not just to heal myself but finally understand that's what makes him happy. I know the damage is too much no matter what we would never ever get back together. We have many miscommunication in the relationship but I do not brother to explain anymore. I wish one day he would contact me and we would laugh at things happened in the past as old friend. I know that day might never come, but I know i will not contact him. I know unless he contact me, otherwise, even though I had lots of things to say to him, he won't listen.

 

I love him still, though I think he's right about us not stay together due to the location preference. I know I make the right decision to move back to Asia for my parent and he stays in America for his parent as well. I know our life will be better in every other aspect if we live apart. I just wish him happy and well, but tonight kind of upset that I lost my best friend in my life. I miss him so much.

[CatsMeeoow]

Healing is not linear... you will have ups and downs and its all normal especially this time of year.

 

Hugs... it does get easier. I suffered terrible heartbreak but I can tell you I'm now happily married to someone else and life is good. It will happen for you too!

[sophi3]

Dont pressure yourself with a timeline that you should be fine by this time. I am also guilty of that, and sometimes our social circle doesnt help since they expect us to be healed already

[nohopeatall]

I dont know why I still love him alot even after all the hurtful word he said to me and the way he broke my heart. I truly love this man but he's too seflish and only care about his own feeling now. I blamed myself all the fault but I know it's not the reality. I did try my best to save my marriage. I tried everything I could but in his eyes those are all selfish and controlling. I still love him, but I am very hurt by him. I feel like I could not trust anyone and love anymore. I thought we would be together for the rest of our life.

[nohopeatall]

i have typed an email and thought about sending it..but i guess it's not a good idea so instead i just post here.

 

It's xmas again. This year, it is much better than the one we had last year. I wish everything going well for you. This was such a dramatic year for me, but I am happy we went through the journey. I have learned alot from it. Even though the future we could not be together anymore, I still wish you all the best.

 

I was getting alot better these few months. However, maybe it's our 1-year breakup anniversary, I just all of sudden wanted to talk to you. You know after all the things happened between us, no matter it's up or down, happy or sad, I still care you deeply though I agree with you this time and final time that we will never ever get back together. No matter how much I still love you, but I love you in my own way now. You are just like my family, I figure out I should never try to stop you to go and find your happiness. I will only want the best for you in term of anything.

 

I do not feel mad nor blame at you on our breakup. Although many of my friends will sometimes make the harsh comments about the way you handle the breakup. However, I know why you did the way you did. No one knows our relationship more than we do. I was being too emotional on handling it. You are generally a kind heart person who will not ever want to hurt anyone. I think it's the best for both of us live in two different countries. what's done has done and the damage could never be repaired. I should not have been so selfish to ask you move for me and give up your parent, friends and career. As much as I do not want to give up my parent, I also want you to spend time and stay with them since they are getting old. At first, I truly was thinking about moving back to Canada. I still wanted to, but I know I have made the right decision to come back to HK for my parent. I still have a pity in my heart that I wish I could handle our relationship differently and more maturely back then, but I guess no matter what, I think it's the best for us to live the way we are right now. As you told me, whatever choice i made, I should be responsible for it.

 

There are many things I wanted to talk to you, but I guess now is still not a good timing. Honestly, I was sometimes thinking about phoning you but I know nothing will come out good from it. I realized how selfish I was to call you and ignored your wish. From the beginning of the relationship til the end, I always chased you and forced you to stay, to marry me and to not divorce. I thought that was love, but it was not. It was my selfishness. I tried to guilt you to stay, but in fact, I know the best way is to let you go to find your own happiness.

 

The last thing I want to say to you is, please no need to afraid to show your anger or emotion next time whoever you are with. I remembered I used to tell you at the beginning of our relationship that you always tried to show only good side of yourself and never get mad or upset. You are truly a nice person but no need to afraid others judgement. I am guilt to make you feel unsafe to make any confrontation. Do not need to afraid to hurt other by standing up for yourself. whoever love you will be willing to share your anger and emotion. I understand why you can't confront to me but not everyone is as argumental as me, I hope one day you could find someone who you can be true self.

 

Life so far for me is not bad. I have got used to Hong Kong though i don't like the place but I could live with it. Hanging out with friends and traveling around most of south eastern asia. Finished part of Australia last month. It's getting better and better. I am starting my own business soon as well. Sorry for making you feeling pressure about leaving me.No need to feel sorry about me. My life is truly good and happy. I hope you are as well.

 

Thank you for teaching me lots of things in the past, and giving me lots of good memory. Merry Xmas and Happy New Year.