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NEED ADVICE - boyf lied about his past


Sara123x

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Hi everyone

 

I'm new and this is my first post. I'm Sara and I'm 22

 

I feel like it's easier to ask advice from strangers as they won't judge and will only give advice based on facts So here goes..

 

I've been with my boyfriend for around 9 months now, I love him to pieces and I genuinely feel like he's the love of my life. Recently, I found out that he had been lying about his past, about the number of sexual partners he's had etc, and that he's been talking to his ex girlfriend "as friends". I don't know how to feel about this as when I confronted him he just came up with more lies to cover up the lies and then finally came clean when he realised that it was getting him nowhere, and that the truth really would sit better with me. My issue isn't that he's had other sexual partners etc, it is that when confronted with it, he lied to my face so many times. I begged him to tell me the truth and he lied very convincingly. All in all, his reason for lying is that he didn't want to hurt me and he thought that it would be better for me if I didn't know. He didn't want me to get hurt so instead of telling me the truth he just fed me what he thought I wanted to hear. The thing is, is that as much as I sort-of understand where he is coming from, if he can lie about this he can lie about everything, right?

 

I don't know whether giving him another chance is worth is as I've been in a previous relationship which was very dishonest and where I got cheated on, so you can maybe understand my fears.

 

I just want an unbiased opinion as to what I should do. Bearing in mind that it is killing me not being with him. And that everytime we have met, he has been genuinely remoseful. I've seen him cry, he's chased me when i've run away and he texts me every day expressing how sorry he is. But is that enough? I'm so confused.

 

Even if I don't get a reply, typing this was really quite therapeutic.

 

Peace and love

 

xo

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A liar will always believe that allowing you to be led off of a cliff by his lies is far better than you having solid footing on the ground by his truth.

 

You have to ask yourself "what kind of a person would rather see me topple over the precipice and dash myself on the rocks below?" Certainly not someone who has your best interests in mind.

 

Having said that, though, unless he's got STD's, his sexual history is none of your business. He cannot change how many sexual partners he's had in his past. Nothing will change that and quite frankly, that's what he should have said to you instead of lying because you had no business asking him for that kind of information. All you need to know is that he produces a clean bill of health from his doctor.

 

Why does he feel that telling you the truth would land him in a place that he is trying to avoid at all costs? Will you go off all emotional on him? Are you going to perform in a way in which he'd rather avoid experiencing?

 

Also, you seem to have a track record of attracting liars to you--what is it about yourself that you have not learned which has attracted this same lying character to you once again in order to teach you? Because that is what this is: when the same character keeps showing up in your life, there is something about yourself that you have not learned and the lesson shows up until you do.

 

What you should do is to go be by yourself for the time being and work on the issues within yourself that attract liars to you. No, what he is doing is not enough---because he is still, at the end of the day, a liar. If he is as right in his behavior as he believes he is, then with right on his side, he should never fear the truth--living in it or speaking it. I think that you should just leave him be and go work on yourself and not get into relationships until you have worked that issue out.

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How did you find out he was lying? Why were you 'begging' him to tell you the truth? I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you are very insecure. Maybe that's for good reason, but if I were your bf, I'd have thought twice about being honest with you, too. Why was how many people he'd been with something you had to know? I agree with Kendahke. Aside from whether or not he has STD's, his sexual past is none of your business. Nor do you get to decide who his friends are.

And all of that aside, if you can't be with men who lie to you, you can't be with men - or women for that matter. It sounds to me like he lied to spare your feelings. Theres way worse things than that. There's no universal law detailing what you should tolerate and not. And listen: People who insist on complete honesty in relationships are usually unpleasantly surprised when they get it, as, I'm sure, you would have been had he not lied to you. My advice is to take him back.

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I also agree that his sexual history is not important except for the fact that I would worry about STDs. I would want to see that he has a clean bill of health. I would be more concerned about the ex-girlfriend that he continues to see as a friend, and I do not agree that it is not your business who is his friends are. That is the issue that would bother me the most. He might have been immature to tell you lies about his sexual past, but really, it was not your concern to begin with and he was trying to make himself look better to you in his eyes. It is not an exuse for him, but an explanation. You have to realize that you are not going to find the perfect boyfriend....just one that you can accept their faults. I, personally, don't see that what he has done as being so terrible. ....chi

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I wouldn't care about his past sexual history, I'd be mondo worried about his talking to ex-girlfriends and hiding it from you and lying about it. There's your real issue to deal with, not how many partners he had in the past. I'd tell,him, "I don't care about your past, but what's this thing of you talking to ex-so and so and lying to me about that? Anything I should go talk to her about since you seem to have felt the need to hide that from me and BTW no, you don't do that with 'just friends.'"

 

And the lying to your face constantly--big red flag too. Personally that in and of itself would be more than enough for me to run the other way.

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Hi Sara - welcome to enotalone!

 

I'd be worried about him talking to ex-girlfriends as "friends" and being awkward about mentioning it. The previous sexual partners thing... I think I'm more-or-less agreeing with other folks on here, in that yes, he has a sexual history, but as long as he played safe and protected himself (and you) from any STDs, I don't think you should expect to find out exactly all the details of his past.

 

feel free to stick around on here and ask anything else (or respond to other people)

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Dont allow people to tell you how you should/should not feel and of course you are entitled to know about his sexual past. Its a question I would always ask.

 

1 I want to know that hes not a player, that he doesn't have a history of using and abusing women or drunken one night stands. I want to know I can trust h if hes out without me.

 

2 I do not want to catch a disease

 

3 If I get pregnant by accident, I would want to know hes decent and genuine and not just going to disappear..

 

People have no right to tell you his past is none of your business so dont listen to that.

 

And if someone lied to me about this I would break up with him coz lying is a big deal to me and so is sexual history.

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Sexual history is important to people who have self respect and morals guys. You have no right to tell her its none of her business. I dont want someone who has a history of impulsive ONS or who sees sex as nothing. I want someone I can trust. That is why people ask these questions coz if your a person who sees sex as emotional and your partner is the opposite-you are not compatable

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Sexual history is important to people who have self respect and morals guys. You have no right to tell her its none of her business. I dont want someone who has a history of impulsive ONS or who sees sex as nothing. I want someone I can trust. That is why people ask these questions coz if your a person who sees sex as emotional and your partner is the opposite-you are not compatable

 

I agree.

 

I have no interest in hearing all the details. But I do want to know about past relationships and what their outlook on sex in general is. While it doesn't give you a full picture, past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

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