Seeking thoughts. 1st Christmas without the children.

[ChilliRed2013]

Healing from the loss of children in a past relationship

 

This is one of those topics that I have rarely seen appear in the "Healing After.." section of eNA, but.. as it has been the reason i have been delayed in my own personal healing., I thought the replies to this subject may help those suffering the same. Sharing. Guidance. Support.

 

Whether or not you personally had children involved in your past relationships, I am interested to hear opinions, feedback, and hopefully from those who have had experience in a similar type of situation..

And made it through without destroying themselves.

 

Briefly about my situation:

-The Last time I physically saw the kids face to face was end of April(on my birthday)... afterwards there was a birthday(August,3yr old-my "psuedo-son", miss him so much each and every single day), Fathers day, two more birthdays towards the end of October(6 and 9 yr old, whom i also still think about and send love to via e.s.p. every day).

 

- I am not their biological father, but had accepted that responsibility and gave my love and care fully, without reserve.

 

(Real father chose to not continue contact with kids... i will never understand how he did that)

 

- my relationship with their mother ended due to cheating, then her forming a new relationship with that guy whilst using my attachment to the kids to facilitate the transition... of which I was not made completely aware of until she had moved on comfortably. Substitution. No offer to continue seeing children in any respect after she had "feathered the nest".

 

Now Christmas is looming.

 

Back to topic. 1st Christmas without the children. Long answers, short answers, any input is welcome here.

 

Quite emotional at the moment... Apologys if this post is a bit of a shambles.

[Lonewing]

Well geez, if it isn't the same situation that brought me to ENA!!!

 

It sucks, doesn't it!! I can agree with you here!

 

This is what I have to say: they were not your kids, so when your relationship with their mother died, their relationship with you died. It sucks, and its why I Absolutely Refuse to Date single mothers any more or every again. It's not the kids, it's the mothers, and I cannot afford any more of that emotional anguish in my life! It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to those kids!

 

B moving on, you'll make it better for everyone involved, and it will quicken your healing process by removing all of your ties to that relationship and to that woman. Trust me, you want nothing to do with her, she has trophies form the men she has turned to skeletons before you. So just pass on and let her fade away. What good you did, may it remain. Otherwise, it's best to let old bygones be bygones.

 

So this Christmas, you treat yourself to something nice and get yourself ready for a smoking hot new years smacking on something sweet under the mistletoe. Because really, life is too short to get sunk by someone else's misery!

 

Best of luck to your next one!

[sharky988]

Wow, that's brutal. My ex-H and I always spend the holidays together because I can't bear for him not to be able to spend it with our son.

 

And I can empathize with where you find yourself this year -- last year right before the holidays my ex-boyfriend cheated on me and then left me for the other woman after he had comfortably "moved on" with her. Nice.

 

But I haven't had to deal with missing both an ex AND kids during the holidays.... that's rough.

 

What I will say is that one thing that helped me get through is remembering that for all the fuss and hoopla about "the holidays", at this point you're really talking about two nights and one day. You've got Christmas Eve, you've got Christmas Day, and then you've got New Year's Eve to get through.

 

That's it -- one day and two nights.

 

I recommend alcohol hahahahaa! It really helped smooth things over for me last year for those brief hours of actual "holiday".

 

And of course anything fun you can do with friends and family, anyone else that you care about. But I also really enjoy some alone time, watching Christmas movies and getting all misty-eyed (again, with alcohol) -- a bit of Christmas spirit, watch "Scrooge" and "It's a Wonderful Life".... honestly, the day is over before you know it and it's December 26th and business as usual!

 

Last year on New Year's Eve, just before midnight, my cheating ex-bf chose to *reach out* and sent me a long rambling apology email.... it was pretty upsetting to hear from him again.

 

I don't understand why exes choose to use the holidays this way but it seems they, too, are hit by the holiday spirit of peace and goodwill toward all men and want to spread their joy. I wrote a holiday-themed movie that plays on tv this time of year, so I often hear from them this last week of the year, they come back from the dead staggering and coughing like zombies "I'm sorry I hurt you" "I understand if you hate me" "I hope you're doing great" braaaaaaainnnns.......

 

Anyhow, that's it for surviving the holidays -- that's all I've got: It'll all be over soon.... and alcohol!

[silversoul]

I miss my ex's mother, I didn't even spend that much time with her, yet I miss her and get sad thinking I may not have a chance to see her again. It is only natural that you miss them but you really have to focus on yourself, they are not your children. Plan lost of activities and keep busy. Hugs

[JustLetGo]

I am not aware of the full length of your relationship with your ex. But still, they are not your kids, so it sucks - but you have no real 'right' to see them. Even though it must be annoying that you aren't allowed to.

 

On another note, it doesn't sound like she has the best idea on keeping her kids 'feeling loved' by people who they share a deep connection with. Emotional neglect is a form of child abuse, so for their sake I hope they still get enough attention from their 'new' dad.

 

However hard it is, just try to let it go. Maybe you are allowed to send them a christmas card?!

[ChilliRed2013]

Thankyou for the responses so far.

...What good you did, may it remain. Otherwise, it's best to let old bygones be bygones.

Lonewing I find myself hoping that the positive impact i had does flow through in their lives somehow, on some level.

 

...You've got Christmas Eve, you've got Christmas Day, and then you've got New Year's Eve to get through.

 

That's it -- one day and two nights.

 

Last year on New Year's Eve, just before midnight, my cheating ex-bf chose to *reach out* and sent me a long rambling apology email.... it was pretty upsetting to hear from him again.

 

I don't understand why exes choose to use the holidays this way but it seems they, too, are hit by the holiday spirit of peace and goodwill toward all men and want to spread their joy...

 

It'll all be over soon.... and alcohol!

Distraction techniques over these significant dates ... will have to start making a list to draw from if i get stuck in a moment of reminiscing or missing.

 

I hadn't even considered the slim possibility of hearing from their mother if guilt or memories strike her in a down moment of her own. Doubt it will happen.. would be interesting if it did though! What on earth could she say what would not cause an upwelling of sadness? Will try to mentally prep myself for that.

 

I miss my ex's mother, I didn't even spend that much time with her, yet I miss her and get sad thinking I may not have a chance to see her again..

Yes silver, the missing of family members happens doesn't it. The whole extended family on my ex's side saw who i was to the kids... knew me well and loved me for it. Will miss thier company this christmas as well. A whole family lost.

But if I never see them again, at least I know that the adults in that family will remember the love.

[ChilliRed2013]

I am not aware of the full length of your relationship with your ex. But still, they are not your kids, so it sucks - but you have no real 'right' to see them. Even though it must be annoying that you aren't allowed to.

 

On another note, it doesn't sound like she has the best idea on keeping her kids 'feeling loved' by people who they share a deep connection with. Emotional neglect is a form of child abuse, so for their sake I hope they still get enough attention from their 'new' dad.

 

However hard it is, just try to let it go. Maybe you are allowed to send them a christmas card?!

 

3 year relationship. Almost half of that living together. No chance of sending gifts or cards, her guilt wont allow that. Was informed of this last month.

 

Even if the new guy only has a 10th of the love I had for them... that'll still be a lot of love.

That is something to hope for, a christmas wish from the heart.

[AutumnBorn]

3 year relationship. Almost half of that living together. No chance of sending gifts or cards, her guilt wont allow that. Was informed of this last month.

 

Even if the new guy only has a 10th of the love I had for them... that'll still be a lot of love.

That is something to hope for, a christmas wish from the heart.

 

 

Chilli, while I don't think it's possible to channel the love you feel for those children to others, you can spread the love by giving to children in need in their names. Next year, pick a child the same ages from a "giving tree" and show those children some of the love you feel.

 

I'm sorry you've lost so much.

[Ms Darcy]

Chilli, while I don't think it's possible to channel the love you feel for those children to others, you can spread the love by giving to children in need in their names. Next year, pick a child the same ages from a "giving tree" and show those children some of the love you feel.

 

I'm sorry you've lost so much.

 

I was thinking something similar. Perhaps you can start mentoring a child and volunteer more with children this next year.

[NoIdea2013]

Wow Chilli, what a heartbreaking story.

 

You're clearly a great guy, the PMs you've sent me for support shows that.

 

One approach which might help you is that, although you love the kids, you ultimately wants what's best for them. Gioven your relationship with their mother has broken down, your presence or contact from you could be potentially confusing for them. Therefore it's perhaps "better" for their sakes that you stay away, and that in turn shows how important their happiness is to you?

 

I'm just rambling here though, no idea if this is a good appraoch or not, but i think it would help me.

[ChilliRed2013]

Chilli, while I don't think it's possible to channel the love you feel for those children to others, you can spread the love by giving to children in need in their names. Next year, pick a child the same ages from a "giving tree" and show those children some of the love you feel.

 

I'm sorry you've lost so much.

 

Good idea for next year, thanks for "giving tree" suggestion.

 

Ms Darcy thankyou as well. Volunteering may be a little further along in the timeline also.

[ChilliRed2013]

One approach which might help you is that, although you love the kids, you ultimately wants what's best for them. Gioven your relationship with their mother has broken down, your presence or contact from you could be potentially confusing for them. Therefore it's perhaps "better" for their sakes that you stay away, and that in turn shows how important their happiness is to you?

 

I'm just rambling here though, no idea if this is a good appraoch or not, but i think it would help me.

 

Hey there. Considering you havent heard much about my story as yet... quite the perseptive fellow MrNoIdea2013!

 

This "confusion" with kids, especially the youngest two(caused confusion i my mind too!)... combined with finding out a fuller story of what happened caused me to back away in the first place. Something just didnt feel right about the whole thing, the way I was being handled by her.

 

Never got to say a proper goodbye though.

Theres still a feeling inside me sometimes that I somehow abandoned them. Even though thats not reality.

 

Thankyou for reminding me about that, I'd hate to be the cause of any further angst re: the kids mental wellbeing.

[ChilliRed2013]

So it is Christmas Morning. Wrapped the prezzies for my little niece and even littler nephew...

 

I cannot explain the feeling. The gap that is missing this year. Love that cannot be shown anymore.

[NoIdea2013]

Sucky time of year to be sure- I just woke up this morning feeling awful.

 

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong and just get through the days!

 

Merry Christmas mate!

[sharky988]

Merry Christmas!

 

This is really the worst of it, and it's not as bad as you thought I bet...

[pebbles111]

Firstly, how terrible for you.

 

What is definitely true is that those children, the older ones more pointedly, will definitely remember the love you gave them. The fact that at one point in their lives, for however long, there was a father-figure who doted on them, cared for them and loved them unconditionally WILL have benefitted them forever. I hope that is some consolation. And, when they are old enough, they can make their own choices about being in contact with you. I work with children, and I know how important a good male role model is. Although it must be very painful that you miss them, send them love, but do it let this rule your life. You have more things to do, and more goodness to give.

 

I hope this is a bit helpful.

[ChilliRed2013]

Sharky, I took note of the repetitive not so subliminal message of alcohol as a temporary coping measure. Coming in quite handy at 7:52pm est(daylight savings) time 25th Dec 2013 Sydney Australia. Lubricates the synapses.

 

I will be researching Dutch Courage Origins later tonight.

 

NI2013, Sharky. Big bearhugs and hairy mankisses for the Merry Christmas well wishes( 28th day since the "single guy" beard decision hehe)

 

LONEWING... I have been reading your early threads. I believe you are the poster that, to date, has had an experience re: attachment to children that are not your own. Appreciate that 1st reply to my thread. Thankyou. Different life, different circumstances. But at the same time eerily familiar, your thoughts and feelings... well written.

 

1st Christmas without the children: A brief rambling analysis

 

Sure, I had only known them for three years.

Sure, they were not my own flesh and blood.

 

But three years is a significant time. Flesh and blood does not always mean a distancing of heart and soul.

 

For those of you who have known a child since birth, and are unable to see that child anymore due to your ex partners decision to chase an "easy life of fun" instead of commiting to an established relationship and deal with the sometimes difficult downtimes like an adult via communication...

 

I. Feel. Your. Pain.

 

Christmas Eve.

Woke at 3:30am. Dreams will always focus on the subconscious musings of the mind. No matter the distraction you provide during your waking hours.

Recently, I have found solace and a bit more sleep in telling myself that these dreams are not real, Figments of my imagination. Occurances that did not happen or will ever happen. But Alas! Dreams about lost children are very hard to sweep under the carpet.

 

I was awake for 22 hours.

 

Christmas Day

Everything reminded me of the kids. Same places, same times, but no presence. truly a loss. Tried my best to think that they were happy and enjoying thier Christmas with no worries or cares...made me feel happy for a little bit. But that feeling didnt stick.

Reminders led to memories, which led to a downward spiral of "what ifs", "If only i had done..."

 

Could not share my feelings with my Family, not today. They have been there through it all, good times and bad. Did not want to spoil the day.

My sister called to see if i was ok when i was home at 4:30pm, and i broke down. Too much internalising of feelings. Blurted it all out.

Cried for the first time in a month.

 

She understood. She is the one with young children, suffering her loss of freedom and identity, but knows that it is totally worth it for your kids at this stage in life. You have to be a Mum first! Her favourite word to describe my ex is fool... she is a Fool.

 

My worth is not in question. If this was a one-on-one relationship I would have been able to disconnect a heck of a lot sooner.

 

Having to truly let go of 4 emotional bonds instead of one? THAT is what destroys the " pattern". No wonder it is taking me so long to deal with this heartbreak. 3 innocent participents involved. And one not so innocent person that had total control.

 

A good cry, 8 beers and 3 scotch on the rocks.. think i will sleep well tonight.