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It's Nothing Personal..


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I come to you guys tonight not for advice, but to say a few words. I finally feel healed. I stopped snooping on her social media - something I never thought I would do - and that has boosted my healing immensely.

 

But the thing that got me over that hump tonight was getting some info on my ex, nothing that could hurt me. Turns out she had a huge falling out with her parents, had to give her car back, and that explains a major reason she married another man so quickly:

 

Rebellion

 

For three months I have made the greatest mistake of taking our breakup personally. She dumped me, so I must have done something wrong right? But now I realize something very important.

 

Don't take it personally.

 

I'd wager that the "reason" you are looking for is actually quite clear. They changed. Something in them changed, and that's why they broke up with you. It's not your fault. Not really.

 

Change is a double edged sword. It feels bad but it isn't. And sometimes it happens to people we love, but we try so hard to cling to them. But change will happen no matter what we do.

 

Let them go. Let them keep changing. For now you have changes to be making as well. You might even come back together.

 

The future isn't written yet.

 

Please don't take it so personally.

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I personally think it's often a combination. If I dumped someone in the past, it did have SOMETHING to do with them. There were often behaviors or dynamics I didn't like. I had a long-term bf who was very critical. No matter how much you would try to talk to him about it, that's just how he was. Now, something in me did change. I was clearer about what I wanted in a bf. I was more confident in expressing my ideas. I was accepting of my somewhat quiet nature - of which he could be critical. But I also didn't want to have a future with someone like him.

 

So, it's just another perspective to consider.

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This is very helpful, thank you. I do have a question about how you say that it helped you heal a lot faster after you stopped snooping. I am in this terrible cycle where I can't stop looking at his social media sites, etc. I even block them but then unblock when I can't fight the urge anymore. It is terrible because it only hurts me to see him with his new girlfriend, acting like they are the happiest couple in the world. Worst yet is I just found out that he brought her home for Christmas, and I'm crushed. Any advice on how you mustered up the strength to stop? Thanks for your help.

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This is very helpful, thank you. I do have a question about how you say that it helped you heal a lot faster after you stopped snooping. I am in this terrible cycle where I can't stop looking at his social media sites, etc. I even block them but then unblock when I can't fight the urge anymore. It is terrible because it only hurts me to see him with his new girlfriend, acting like they are the happiest couple in the world. Worst yet is I just found out that he brought her home for Christmas, and I'm crushed. Any advice on how you mustered up the strength to stop? Thanks for your help.

 

What has been working for me is something related to what the OP says: they changed! Point being, you do not love their actual self; you love who they were before, the past that they were with you, the ideia that you have from them is the one from the past, not from the present!

 

For example, before I initiated NC with my Ex, she had become a heavy smoker, drinker, party girl, stressed, depressed, switched priorities in life, CHANGED VALUES etc. If I think of her that way, that is someone who I don't want to be with, I don't feel attracted to. Plus I think all the horrendous things that she did to me and that characterizes someone who is in fact weak, coward, a cliché of a person.

 

I wish her well but I don't want people like that near me. So when you feel the urge try to remember who they are NOW and what they did to you. Not who they were to you.

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Thank you Jonyyy. He definitely wasn't the same person he was in the beginning. But I guess why I'm struggling now is that he is treating this new girl just like he did me at first. Like literally don't all the same things. Obviously he's doing it because he knows it works, but it makes me sad that he is the him I used to love, but to her. I know it is sad that I dwell on this but I can't get over it, but want to get out of this misery.

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What he's doing is expected, they are in the honeymoon phase, everything is great. You're seeing the best of him. It's nothing personal against you (like the OP says), it's relationships regular stuff, 101.

 

But anyway his life is none of your business, you should really enforce NC. Dwelling on that for a while is normal but eventually start to move on, why waste your time with someone who doesn't care about you. Switch the focus to yourself, don't get stuck on him.

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This is very helpful, thank you. I do have a question about how you say that it helped you heal a lot faster after you stopped snooping. I am in this terrible cycle where I can't stop looking at his social media sites, etc. I even block them but then unblock when I can't fight the urge anymore. It is terrible because it only hurts me to see him with his new girlfriend, acting like they are the happiest couple in the world. Worst yet is I just found out that he brought her home for Christmas, and I'm crushed. Any advice on how you mustered up the strength to stop? Thanks for your help.

 

I think many of us can relate to your struggle. What happened to me is that I finally got sick and tired of damaging my own soul by knowing anything. I finally started putting my well being first and having some self respect and self love. Until you value yourself enough to take care of yourself you will not stop looking. Its a process. But the sooner you start taking care of you, the sooner you will stop doing things to damage your own soul.

 

Best of luck

LNL

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