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I emailed my ex, now I cant stop crying


moniker12

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To make a long story short. I was with my ex 1.5 years, she broke up with me 4.5 months ago. Shes moved on. She met someone long distance. Her new "friend" is visiting her this weekend. Their first meeting. My heart hurts bc i still love her. I ran into a friend of my exes last weekend. I had changed my meetup account name so she coudnt contact me. i saw her on okcupid. I was feeling hurt and guilt for being so angry at her. So i wrote her then deactivated my account. I feel like i have hurt myself even more..I feel so messed up knowing she is spending time with this new person. Like i never meant anything. My heart is in shambles

 

I wrote

"Hope this finds you in great spirit and health.

After months of emotions ranging from agony, hurt, pain, sorrow, grief, guilt and what not, I just feel I need to apologize for my behavior(s). While this email might not have been necessary since you have moved on and probably feel indifferent to me I am still sending it accross as it will help me be at peace with myself.

With that I am sorry for my reactions to you and for hurting you in the past. I am not a bad person, nor do I hate you. I hope someday you are able to forgive me for my behavior as I am forgiving you for the heartache.

The New Year is coming up and I want to let go of the guilt and hurt feelings. I still miss you at times. What I miss is the old times. The laughter, the family I thought that I had. I don’t know if this will help but it’s a step. I just want you to be happy in life because I love you and will never stop loving you. I did a lot of self-reflection on what happened and what I did to create the situation. What I learned is that I am capable of pure unconditional love. That I was capable of loving someone to the point that I think I may have smothered that love. If that makes any sense. The pain in my heart is still there and I am trying very hard to get past it.

Also I did not create a fake facebook account to spy on you. I know Your friend told you that. What I told Your friend was I changed my name on link removed.

I am trying to keep this short so as not drive you crazy. Lol

Have a great holiday. You are someone I can never easily forget.

I wish you well. I am so sorry.. I am happy you found your hearts desire. My love always.

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I assume you want feedback by posting this. It's a little passive aggressive ("I forgive you for the heartache" - rolls eyes), but oh well. It is just sad. It is clear you are not over her and are somehow hoping to move on from sending this letter. Overall, it just makes me feel bad for you. Oh, well ... the letter is gone. Do you feel better now?

 

It was doomed from the beginning. It doesn't matter how many times she told you she was a lesbian. She is married to a man. She is in an open relationship with him - not you. You were the bit on the side. The one constant stable thing in her life is her hubby and it is the women she's been in relationships with that are dispensable.

 

EDIT: Wow, I just read your other thread. You should not have sent that email. This "relationship" wasn't even that. It was just a mess. You were the other woman. This wasn't a relationship. I really cannot stress how unhealthy that whole situation was.

 

Has your therapist identified any challenges with mental illness on your part?

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Oh my i didnt mean for it to sound passive aggressive.i just wanted to apologize for how badly i reacted to her. No i feel like an idiot bc i sent it. Oh well. Cant take it back. No my therapist who i have ben seeing since may has not noticed any kind of mental illness on my part, but i am questioning myself. I have never reacted to a breakup like this before. I am seriously messed up over it. I cant seem to let it go.

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It was a hard breakup and a unhealthy relationship. In time I will heal and move on. I was feeling bad today and missing her. I dont think how I feel is wrong and its normal. Now if I am still this way 6 months from now then there is a problem. I am slowly moving on. I am feeling my emotions and missing someone who was very dear to me at one time.

However I regret sending her that message now. Your right in that it was sad. I should not have done it

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