Got back my stuff. Little setback.

[Lucha]

I got my father to meet my ex to give back her stuff and get mine. It was a very good decision not to go see her myself. She brought her cousin with her, i have a good bond with her and the rest of her family. They told my dad she loved me as a person but not in a romantic way. This mere sentence set me back. I suddenly felt hurt and anger all over again, i felt sick. I guess my subconscious was sticking with the hope that if i went no contact, she would miss me or something. Which she does (according to what she and her cousin said to my father), but only as a friend. She was aware of me being very mad at her for the timing and details of the breakup but she said she wanted to call me sometime. I however, don't want to be aware of her existence unless it involves regret and getting back together. I feel pretty bad cause i thought i was moving along just fine and now i see my stuff, i just want to cry.

[firefly2613]

At least you know and that should help you move on.

 

As far as being friends, I wouldn't do it. Try not to hate her though. It's not her fault her feelings changed and it's not your fault either.

 

This happened so you could learn something about yourself that you could not have learned any other way. Now pick yourself up and find a new love.

 

Bow out of your ex's life gracefully.

[Lucha]

I feel a little traumatised.. It wasn't my first heartbreak bur it sure was the biggest. I simply cannot understand how someones feelings can change overnight and them not being able to name a reason why it happened. It never happened to me, and i am 25. When i love someone, feelings don't just change. The chemical rush subsides but gets exchanged for feelings of appreciation, respect. I cant seem to understand her point of view and it's really frightening me. The way i see it now, i can't trust another woman again. For how much they may say they love you one day, your happiness may be abruptly gone in a second. I feel like growing trust issues.

[firefly2613]

I feel a little traumatised.. It wasn't my first heartbreak bur it sure was the biggest. I simply cannot understand how someones feelings can change overnight and them not being able to name a reason why it happened. It never happened to me, and i am 25. When i love someone, feelings don't just change. The chemical rush subsides but gets exchanged for feelings of appreciation, respect. I cant seem to understand her point of view and it's really frightening me. The way i see it now, i can't trust another woman again. For how much they may say they love you one day, your happiness may be abruptly gone in a second. I feel like growing trust issues.

 

It is certainly tough. But sometimes we just don't understand things. But time answers all questions I think. So keep in mind that you don't understand for NOW.

 

All you can do in the meantime is try to focus on moving on. Those trust issues will pass as the hurt fades.

[Ms Darcy]

When you start to idealize the relationship, go back and read this. The relationship didn't ever really have a chance to get past the honeymoon stage and quickly became an on-again off-again thing. If you are breaking up and making up it means two things: 1) she's had doubts for a long time so this was no blindside and 2) you guys are not right for each other. The right person for you will want to be with you.

 

 

 

I think this is problematic too. You have to make sure you don't make the person you are dating your everything. Relationships are voluntary and if they choose to leave, you will be left devastated.

[CleoC]

When did she break up with you?

[doicare]

I feel a little traumatised.. It wasn't my first heartbreak bur it sure was the biggest. I simply cannot understand how someones feelings can change overnight and them not being able to name a reason why it happened. It never happened to me, and i am 25. When i love someone, feelings don't just change. The chemical rush subsides but gets exchanged for feelings of appreciation, respect. I cant seem to understand her point of view and it's really frightening me. The way i see it now, i can't trust another woman again. For how much they may say they love you one day, your happiness may be abruptly gone in a second. I feel like growing trust issues.

 

 

I totally hear you. It sounds like we both know that lust fades, and that's where the strong and real feelings of friendship, companionship and true love kick.

 

I get the impression that most others dont understand that, and once the feeling fades they think they've fallen out of love with you/us. But maybe they will be uncapable of having real sustained relationships with anyone.

 

It's not like it's rocket science.

[Lucha]

When did she break up with you?

 

About a month ago she texted she would take distance from me bc i was so depressed (i had to put two of my pets asleep) and she couldn't be there for me. so she dumped me at my worst after stringing me along for two or three months. Bc then I was still happy and strong and gave her all the space/time she wanted. She left when i was in the gutter.

[Lucha]

When you start to idealize the relationship, go back and read this. The relationship didn't ever really have a chance to get past the honeymoon stage and quickly became an on-again off-again thing. If you are breaking up and making up it means two things: 1) she's had doubts for a long time so this was no blindside and 2) you guys are not right for each other. The right person for you will want to be with you.

 

 

 

I think this is problematic too. You have to make sure you don't make the person you are dating your everything. Relationships are voluntary and if they choose to leave, you will be left devastated.

 

You're right, i'm idealizing it. Maybe bc i dreamt of her three nights in a row and it were all good dreams. Only to wake up feeling miserable for having to deal with reality.

I should read my own posts again. They were a little more rational. I get these floods of emotions and I can't help but still feeling very hurt, and rejected.

 

It's true that it might be a problem me giving too much in a relationship. But how do i tackle that problem..? It's not like i jump for gf to gf. I take time to learn from past experiences. But i keep making the same mistake as for giving myself a 100%. Bc that is what she did the first 5 months or so.. So it felt good. Then she changed.

[CleoC]

Then it's a recent break up. When my ex left me I idealized the relationship. Now, 3 months later I can see things better. I'm still very far from healing but I can see things more clearly.

I still miss him very much. But I know I did my best and you'll see that in the future.

The first month I used to dream about him every night. It was completely awful. Now I hardly ever dream about him.

She wasn't for you when you needed her the most, that shows you what kind of person she is. You see her now like the best thing that ever happened to you but with time you'll realize that she wasn't perfect at all.

Take your time to be sad but try to make a little thing that makes you happy everyday. You gave too much in the relationship but don't see it as a bad thing. I'm sure that in the future someone would appreciate that and will treat you like you deserve.

I can't be very helpful because I'm dealing with the same. But I can tell you that one day you'll wake up and you'll want to put your life in order. Right now it's a mess because of the energy you used to put in the relationship that you probably don't know where to put it now. But one day you'll realize you were a good person with her and you'll want to take care of you.

I think that it's not fair that I was such a nice girlfriend and he left me and start dating someone new like I didn't mean anything. But I have hope that I'll meet someone who treats me better in the future. But to meet the right person, I have to be the right person as well. So I need to take care of myself and find the peace I need.

Try to learn from this and focus on you. And go NC, because you need to heal and because she doesn't deserve your attention.

(Sorry, english is my second language).

[Lucha]

Your english is pretty good I'm from belgium so I wouldn't notice anyway .

 

Thanks for your reply. What you're describing is exactly what's happening. All of a sudden I have all this free time and it is driving

me crazy. I try to meet friends but they're all so busy. I feel so lonely and this with the holidays coming up. I wish I was past that crap and stronger. But with each dream I get sucked back to rock bottom. It's hard because I do want to move on and forget about her but this is making it way harder. I don't even know WHY I am idealizing her and the relationship which was pure exhausting for me in the last months. i think it's bc she gave me the 'pity' vibe. I WAS so depressed I manipulater her a little by stating 'I cannot live without you' etc, which I'm sure a lot of dumpees have said before me. But the thing is my self-respect dropped at a seriously low level bc she dumped me. Causing me to breakdown completely, her seeing this and wanting nothing more to do with me. She described the situation as unhealthy and that it would be best for both of us if she took her distance. All of this 'i'm so sorry i hurt you' crap. 'Still want to be your friend'. Which made me feel even smaller.

 

I'm doing NC as you suggested. I feel the urge to spill out my feelings of anger though but I try to do it here on the forum instead..

[CleoC]

I know you probably don't believe it now, but I promise you that you'll start dreaming about her less and less.

The first month was hell to me. I remember being afraid of sleeping because I knew I would dream about him. But time makes you accept this. And you'll accept it more if you realize you did your best and put everything you had to make this work.

And don't worry, when my ex left I also told him that I was going to die without him, that he was the love of my life blah blah blah. I felt I lost my dignity. But NC is helping a lot with that. I know that if I ever have to see him again, I will have enough self respect to stop making the mistakes I made.

So stay NC. It will help you to get through this. And it will make her realize that she can't hurt you and be your friend like nothing ever happened. Don't give her that power.

I wish you the best. And when you feel angry or sad, you know you can use this forum.

[Ms Darcy]

It's true that it might be a problem me giving too much in a relationship. But how do i tackle that problem..? It's not like i jump for gf to gf. I take time to learn from past experiences. But i keep making the same mistake as for giving myself a 100%. Bc that is what she did the first 5 months or so.. So it felt good. Then she changed.

 

I think you tackle that by building a busy and fun life before you start dating again. When you start dating, you slowly integrate that peson into your schedule. Take it slow and be busy. Don't focus all of your attention on your partner.