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Thought i was over it but i want her back again...


Dyllan

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So about two months ago my now ex girlfriend and i broke up (dated for 2 years), i tried to figure out why she would want to break up and she said she just lost feelings for me but still wanted to be friends. I told her that I don't know if i can see her as a friend and that I needed time to heal and make myself into a better person. After some time apart her birthday came around and i let her know that i got her a gift and wanted her to have it. When i went to give it to her she seemed happy enough and we didn't say much because i think we were both still very uncomfortable. 2 days later i decided that i wanted to talk to her about how i felt that the break up was a good thing because we were having communication issues and that if we kept dating things could have gotten to the point of friendship not being an option. So i text her that i wanted to get lunch to see what she's been up to and so i could tell her how i felt. She responded by saying she wanted to know how i felt and that she still thought breaking up was the right choice. She pushed me into telling her how i felt which i wanted to do in person but she said that she had recently started taking medicine for depression that she's now suffering from so i started feeling bad for her and told her what i felt. She said it was good to hear that i understood that what she did was for the best but now i feel like i really need to help her. The past couple days I've started to text her to try and see how she's holding up because I'm worried about her but she told me today that she felt i was smothering her but still wanted to get lunch. We are going to get lunch in a couple of days and i want to make sure she knows that i really just want to help her through her depression and that i don't have some underhanded ulterior motives. I'm not sure what i should say when we get lunch and if it helps she is somewhat of a reclusive person. With all of this coming out i started realizing i still care about her a lot and that i want to be back together but right all i want is to help her feel like herself again. What should i say, i really want to help but don't know what to do now?

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but now i feel like i really need to help her. The past couple days I've started to text her to try and see how she's holding up because I'm worried about her but she told me today that she felt i was smothering her but still wanted to get lunch. We are going to get lunch in a couple of days and i want to make sure she knows that i really just want to help her through her depression and that i don't have some underhanded ulterior motives
Well, first off you can't fix her nor can you help her. Those two things are up to her and how she continues on in therapy or gets some if she's not already, continuing to take her medication and you leaving her alone so that she can work on herself without you wanting to fix her (or smother her). You'd do well to google White Knight Syndrome and make sure you're not falling into that trap. You don't want to go through life trying to rescue and fix women that are not already whole.

 

Further: I don't even know you and I don't believe you that you have no other motivation then to help her. If you do have a need to help, if helping makes YOU feel whole then yes,you do have ulteriour motives. (whether they are intentional or not, they still are motives).

 

You want to be back together with her (there's your underlying motive right there)? Then do her a favor and yourself an even bigger one. Stop contacting her altogether and let her work on herself to be the best she that she can be. She's too weak to stay away herself so make it so. You still wanting to be her boyfriend and pretending that you're cool with just being her friend is you being disingenuous with both her and more importanly, yourself. Google that WKS, Dyllan.

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You need to respect her and give her the 'space' she asked for. As mentioned, you cannot 'fix' her.

She has to learn to deal with that on her own. Worse thing to do is smother her.

 

How about you give her some deserved space & respect. Let her come to you if she likes. She'll let you know.

Meanwhile you can take this time to deal with YOU. Your own issues- if u have any and also work on your self esteem etc, after this break up.

 

Many go thru many emotions of the loss. Lonliness, sadness, denial, etc. And have to learn how to deal with and 'accept' this sad event & change. Can take quite a while.

 

One day at a time.. and best thing for YOU to start healing is to go no contact anymore. Or this will just keep dragging you down.

 

IF she wants to come back to you, she will let you know this. She knows how to contact you. Until then or if it happens or not, either way, it's best you aim yourself on just you now.

 

tc

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Yeah I have to agree with the other posters. I too had an ex when I was 19 (Ive had a lot of them and she left me. She was kind of depressed all the time, and I just wanted to take care of her and make everything ok. She eventually left me. I one day realized that I couldnt help her, and by fixating myself on trying to help her was in a sense distracting myself from working on me being a better person. It's always easier to try and help others, especially when we need the help the most.

 

Anyhow, you can be her friend, but I suggest you pull away. Give her space and let her work on herself. That's the best thing you can do as a friend. If she has a change of heart she will reach out, dont worry. Smothering her will only push her away - you are not responsible for her happiness (and she doesnt want you to be). In the meantime focus on moving on and being better coming out of this situation.

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Dude, she's probably depressed because you broke her heart... If you want to help her, give her some time. Also, you need to apologise and accept responsibility for any wrongs you did by her either knowingly or unknowingly. She's not in the right head space right now to get back with you. Be there for her but don't give her any false hope if she wants you back and you aren't on the same page.

 

To give you an example, after a couple of months of my break up, my ex contacted me on whatsapp to tell me of a dream and that she was worried about me. When I told her I wasn't doing to well, she quickly got off the chat and blocked me on Facebook. So what I'm saying is you better do it if you only have sincere and genuine intentions of reconciliation or being a friend. Have the outcome in mind before you start.

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