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He slept with someone else. How to feel?


Lady42

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Please see previous threads for more background.

There is a guy at work I had been friends with for over a year and then we decided to have a friends with benefits relationship. This went horribly wrong because it was confusing for both of us. I ended up recently telling him I wanted to officially date, and he didn't give me a direct answer because he didn't trust that I was serious (he had previously asked me several times and I had laughed at him and said no)

Anyway things were going ok, he was making more of an effort... Then he tells me had slept with another girl! He apologized and told me he'd stop etc

I don't know whether to be mad because we weren't officially dating, I had never said that I wasn't sleeping with anyone else, for all he knew I was sleeping with 10 people...

I just feel so betrayed.

What do I do? Forgive him?

After he told me I just told him he's disgusting and nothing can make this better.

 

I just wish he had spent the time cultivating our relationship rather than seeking out other girls.

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My personal response would sort of depend on that.

 

If he did sleep with her after you asked to officially date, then I would let him go because he was obviously disrespectful and trying to 'get some' before having to commit.

 

If he slept with her before, it's really your call. I wouldn't do a fwb situation because of the change in feelings/hard feelings that can come up like this. Given that you didn't have a commitment, if you can forgive him then it wouldn't hurt to date him officially. BUT if you cannot forgive/let it go then don't waste your time trying to date him officially.

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What is wrong with you that you'd feel "betrayed" when you had no conversation about being exclusive in fact, you declined that invite? You have no 'right' to expect exclusivity when none has been promised.

 

I'm sorry, Lady but; you are one mixed up lady. If you want a real relationship with this guy then you are silly to settle for "vague" and it tells me that you've learned nothing about effective communication since your last confusing dialogue with this man.

 

Please, for your own emotional well being: Directly ask him to be your exclusive and committed bf. If he doesn't just say "yes" then tell him you can't see him anymore because you're not on the same page and when that happens it is very damaging to your self-worth. You will whittle it away one uncommitted session at a time.

 

Btw: I don't think it really matters when he did her; before or after your request because he still didn't promise you exclusivity but you continued on in the vagueness. I believe you are your own worst enemy.

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I agree that until he says he's exclusive that who he sleeps with shouldn't matter. With the guy I'm seeing who is FWB (yes, we both wanted a relationship at some point), immediately after we kissed and before it got sexual, I told him that I'm not comfortable with him being physical with other women. This was BEFORE anything sexual happened. He was upset and not happy with that response so I said, "Fine, let's just be friends and no kissing." He immediately did not want that, so said that we would be exclusive and have been entirely. We vocalized to each other that if for any reason we wanted to be with other people, we would discuss it and end the FWB. In the future please have these questions upfront to avoid getting hurt and to set boundaries you are happy with.

 

How you handle this information is totally up to you. For me it would be a dealbreaker and would require a good long amount of time for me to forget it and continue on with the friendship/relationship. For many other people it wouldn't be that big of a deal. It's up to you how you process this information but either way, until you promise exclusivity I don't think he did anything wrong.

 

However, I do agree it's disrespectful if he had sex with her after you told him you wanted a relationship. These are other things to keep in mind.

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You laughed at him when be asked you if you wanted to date and then changed your mind while in a FWB situation. So...he.sleep s with someone else and let's you know that...and you tell him he's disgusting and feel betrayed.

 

That is one mess of mixed signals.

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If I remember correctly your arrangement was to have sex during your lunch break and he did not want to hang out or spend time outside of the sex. You laughed at him when he suggested dating even though you told him you wanted more of his time and then told him not to contact you ever again before a trip he took and then wondered why you hadn't heard from him. Now you're still not dating, still confused and still angry, hurt and disappointed.

It's time to realize this just isn't working for you.

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I ended up recently telling him I wanted to officially date, and he didn't give me a direct answer because he didn't trust that I was serious (he had previously asked me several times and I had laughed at him and said no)

 

 

 

I just wish he had spent the time cultivating our relationship rather than seeking out other girls.

 

You kind of put him over a barrel on this though. He asks you for more, you turn him down. He sleeps with someone else, you call him disgusting and get angry that he didn't try to cultivate the relationship you told him you didn't want.

 

Headgames will never get you anywhere.

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