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Can someone get over their insecurites?


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I recently broke up with my boyfriend due to his insecurity issues.


Our relationship was awesome when these issues weren't there. He was extremely supportive and helpful in my life, if I was going through a stressful situation he would encourage me and make me feel better about the situation. We would plan dinners together and cook, he'd wait until I came home from work which was a bit later to eat with me, was thoughtful always doing what he could to help. Really, exactly what I wanted in a man.


Until his insecurities would creep in. They'd be there, we'd fight about it and he'd be better for a little while feel reassured and then he'd be back to being insecure.


He was previously cheated on in his marriage and it really damaged him, followed by dating girls where he was committed to being exclusive but where they would always be texting other guys or not as committed as him.


I am different then any other girl he's dated and always tried to show him that I was committed, knowing his issues. He was uncomfortable with one of my friends who is a guy and I was really close with. For his sake, I stopped talking to this guy. And he was ok for a bit. But then there were 2 other guys who I briefly dated (like 3-6 weeks each) where it didn't work out but we remained friends. One of them I had been friends with for 2 years before I met my boyfriend. So he was insecure with this and I told him that I would tell him when I messaged these friends. But then he'd get insecure that maybe I was messaging them and not telling him. Then he was questioning why I was on facebook so much and who I was messaging on THERE as if there were a ton of other guys that I just talked to. Then the issues was my cell phone, this is a trigger for him and even if I was looking on instagram or facebook he was upset that I wasn't giving him my full attention.


At this point he'd lived with me for 2 months. Different than when we were dating where I'd keep my phone away - this is everyday life and a bit different. He would react to his insecurites but almost putting a bit of a wall up. He would always wait for me to make the first move, tell him I love him, kiss him or hug him (didn't do this at the beginning, it was equal) and if I didn't, instead of coming to me he would get upset and go to bed, or sulk, or cross his arms and make me work to gain his affection.


Time and time again we had a talk about trust, how I have done everything to earn his trust and he still had many times where he wouldn't trust me. If there was a change in my mood - stressed about my kids or had a hard day at work, he would be bad. He put everything on himself as if it had nothing to do with me being tired or just needing some time to myself and get paranoid that I wanted to break up, that there must be someone else I'm talking to and that was the reason I was being distant. If I asked for space, he immediately assumed it was because I didn't want him and was considering breaking up.


It finally got too much for me, I couldn't continue to always try and be happy for him, always go to him first for affection for fear he would get upset and think I didn't love him anymore if I didn't hug him first. I was starting to feel like I couldn't be myself and I was forcing things for his sake.


It got worse the last 6 weeks as well because 2 of his closest family members passed away, he would talk to them about everything and see them almost every day. He did open up to me and say that he thinks maybe he was looking to me to fill that void for him and when I had a hard time doing that, he would worry and get upset instead of actually grieving the loss that he had.


So we broke up. I explained my side completed, exactly how he was making me feel. I know he talked to his dad who told him that he needed to get over his trust issues. He's fully aware that it's his trust issues that are the reason we have broken up.


He now said that he has learned a life lesson, that looking back I did everything I could to earn his trust and it was unfair of him to keep questioning me and worrying. He said I'm not like any girls he's ever met, he can see my loyalty and how hard I've been trying and he wants another chance to prove that he can trust me because I deserve that.


I just don't know though. I worry that if we get back together he will be good for a while and then his trust issues will come up and it will be the same thing again. I worry that he'll once again question if *today* i still love him and won't give me a hug first for fear that I will reject him no matter how many times I tell him I love him in the day.


Has anyone been like this or has gone through this where they really did open their eyes and were able to get over their issues? He's genuine right now, but he's also been genuine during other conversations about trust and after a few weeks it's like he just can't help himself. He says he's sensitive to change and any little change in me sets him off. For instance - sometimes I'm really happy and bubbly and social. I have other days where the stress of life (3 kids, full time job, long commute) get to me and I just want to be quiet, not bothered and be able to veg out on my own and read a book or listen to music. He jokingly implied that this meant I was bi-polar because I wasn't the exact same every day. So this change - any time I'm not super happy and excited to see him, anytime I'm feeling down - this sets him off. I feel like he's having a hard time seeing ME through his issues, taking all of my actions and relating them to himself as if he's the absolute only thing in my life and my every action and mood is a direct reflection of how I'm feeling about HIM

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Is this the same guy? Because overall, you had a situation that was behind insecurity and moving towards emotional abuse.


Honestly, I think you need to (finally) do some self-reflection. Stop obsessing about him and think about why you are clinging to someone so unhealthy. Do you fear that you won't be able to do better?


Frankly, I think this guy is full of it. More than likely, he's used to playing victim and at least one of his past gfs has been like you but he just pushed her so much he pushed her away. He's been through this before and the fact he would enter a relationship with you before getting some intense therapy tells you he has no real interest in changing himself.


So let him go. Focus on you. Focus on what you want in a relationship.

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Thank you, yes this is the same guy and I guess that's what I'm battling with - I didn't go back and read my previous posts but I appreciate that you quoted it because I had actually forgotten about all of the stuff that happened in the summer. The truth is, things were way better after that and he was doing ok. But then i started a new job where I was gone 2 more hours a day and would come home exhausted and he still wanted the same amount of attention I was giving him before. I guess it's the same argument, just evolved. If it's not one thing, then it's another. Previous insecure comments from him STOPPED after that fight, however he started holding everything in this time and instead of making comments, he started withdrawing and making me work for his affection.


I can see with my past posts that I thought things had improved, when really he just changed the delivery of his insecurities but hasn't actually dealt with anything. Why would an actual breakup change things now? He's just going to find a different way for him to get the message accross, or hide the fact that he doesn't trust me and then what? Start checking my phone instead? I can't handle.


Thank you for your post and opening my eyes

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I just don't know though. I worry that if we get back together he will be good for a while and then his trust issues will come up and it will be the same thing again.


It will probably be the same, in my opinion. I have dated a guy like this. He would say anything to get back together, then forget it all in the space of a week.


And never let anyone tell you he's insecure because someone else cheated. That's a cop-out. If he was that affected by his marriage, he needs a therapist, not another relationship.

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Yes. All the time, he would analyze what I texted him, what emoticons I used, how I talked, what I said, whether He felt like I gave him enough attention. Everything I did he felt was a reflection about how I felt about him and couldn't stop analyzing.


And double standards, I couldn't look at a hot guy because he was insecure but he could like pictures of half naked fit woman and I was supposed to accept that because it's his motivation for the gym

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People can certainly overcome trust issues but it takes a lot of effort and usually some serious consequences like a break up. I don't think the guy is 'full of it' at all because cheating will scar you period - especially if you are married. I've had to battle with my own trust issues and I feel that I have made a lot of progress - to the point where it's not really an issue anymore. Your ex had it a lot worse than I did though so he is a more severe case and probably would benefit from some therapy.

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