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Tired of it all


Liberty93

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Hey there, I've been on this site so many times but now have something that I actually need some advice on so decided to post!

 

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 3 years and despite the problems we are a good couple and I am not looking to break up, rather I'm trying to overcome the problems we are having.

 

The biggest problem behind all the problems we have is that my boyfriend lies all the time, and the truth only comes out when it absolutely has to. Up till now there hasn't been anything really serious that he has lied about but it's just the extent of them as they become very elaborate. For example until a month ago I believed when we first met he was living 5 hours away from me because he was going to university and had moved out. I knew literally everything about his flat mate down to where she worked and her favourite ice cream and her family background. Then he supposedly quit and drove back. In fact he was at his parents house the whole time, didn't get into uni, didn't have a driving license or car the whole time, and this flat mate was all made up. I only found this out after 3 years of being together, so obviously was upset but I'm not the type to go psycho crazy.

 

This wasn't the first instance of lying, so we sat down and had a talk where I believed he told me everything, including how he had actually spent money that I had given him for our deposit on a flat and had instead borrowed it from his mum. I got over this as I just wanted to know everything at last and get it over with.

 

All was fine until yesterday when he told me that he had taken out a huge loan (instead of asking me for the money which he knew I have and would happily give) but said he had now paid it back including the huge amount of interest. Because of this he said I would be getting no anniversary, birthday or christmas presents this year as they all are in December. I'm not extremely bothered about this apart from the fact that I then had to go out and spend my own money on presents from his family from us - if I had known I wouldn't have had to spend a fortune last minute.

 

I guess I just don't understand why he can't be honest with me. I do pressure him into telling me the truth and every time he swears that is it then something else comes up. I'm not hysterical when he does tell me things, I stay calm as I know there is nothing I can do about it, but for a man that I've been with for 3 years and that I live with, and for someone who talks about proposing I can't be wrong for expecting the truth out of him surely?

 

Sorry about such a long message and thank you so much for any advice it is much appreciated

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As much as you don't want to break up with him, you should. In fact, if you have to start a thread saying you don't want to break up with him, it is a hint that the following story might necessitate a break up.

 

A healthy relationship is built upon a foundation of trust, commitment, and respect. Communication is important, but that can be worked on. This is not about communication. This is about trust. Without honesty, there is no foundation for trust. In fact, I still think he's lying to you. You have no basis of believing him and that is no relationship at all.

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I understand what you are saying, but the reason I felt the need to say I don't want to break up with him is because I feel like it is too easily the go-to answer.

 

I've been with him for what I believe is a considerable time and I know I won't break up with him over the things I have said in my original post. I want us to work together and solve this like we have worked through other problems before, but I just thought a little advice from others may be helpful when doing so.

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This isn't lying. This is making up a whole new life!

 

If he can invent a whole new bunch of people, he can lie and make up crap about anything. You can not keep trusting a person that can not earn it through honesty. Is this really the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is it wrong for you to expect the truth out of him? It seems so. The only thing I would expect from a guy like this is lies, more lies and still more lies.

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You're right that he can be lying about anything - I do think of this all too often. However, he's not a bad guy. This whole lying thing is the only time things get sour so that's why I'm trying to solve this issue specifically because although what you say may be our situation now I'm trying my best to make sure we aren't in the same situation in a years time.

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You're trying your best to make sure you both aren't in this same situation a year from now.

 

What about him? Is he trying? The ONLY way you'll not be in this same place next year is for him to stop lying. That's up to him to do. You can't make him be honest or tell the truth.

 

This has been going on for three years. All this time, he kept up a continual lie about who he is, what he does, where he lives and even invented stories about his imaginary flatmate. Three years of tales about someone that did not even exist! That is NOT normal. These aren't little white lies, these are beyond whoppers.

 

I do pressure him into telling me the truth and every time he swears that is it then something else comes up.

You said it yourself right here. You pressure him...he fesses up and swears that's it. BUT that is a lie too because something else always comes up. How do you know the "truth" he's telling you under pressure is really the truth?

 

After three years of this, he knows you'll tolerate it and keep on forgiving him. So, he has no incentive to change and keeps right on lying his head off. It is not going to change now. If you think it will, you're stuck in a state of denial about how bad this really is.

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He is trying, he has been honest with me about things he didn't have to be honest about. If he wasn't trying to change I don't see any reason he would confess to the things I would never find out about anyway?

 

I may be in denial but I do think that things will change. I just think we've been through so many rough roads and are still here 3 years later. He knows I could leave him, says that's what scares him away from telling me the truth. Don't want to be making excuses for him but I genuinely believe he is just scared of me breaking up with him.

 

I guess it should be him posting in a forum, I just needed a little support while I'm feeling down I guess.

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He is trying, he has been honest with me about things he didn't have to be honest about. If he wasn't trying to change I don't see any reason he would confess to the things I would never find out about anyway?

 

Don't want to be making excuses for him but I genuinely believe he is just scared of me breaking up with him.

 

I'll tell you why he "confesses." To keep you around.

 

And you are in denial if you say "He has been honest with me about things he didn't have to be honest about." What?! Lol. He's supposed to always be honest. That's the natural state. Your expectations are low.

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It's kind of like saying: how can I get my bf to stop hitting me? Most posters are too humane to not point out how unwise it is to stick with a person who, for whatever reason, violates the fundamental principle of a healthy relationship. You cannot change him. You can only accept that he will continue to lie - sometimes a little bit, sometimes a lot.

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I understand what you are saying, but the reason I felt the need to say I don't want to break up with him is because I feel like it is too easily the go-to answer.

 

I completely get that.

 

However, in the desire to not be a quitter at the first sign of trouble, I think you're downplaying the seriousness of to what EXTENT his untrustworthiness is manifesting.

 

He's basically made up an entire persona and life that didn't exist, complete with friends. He's spent monies on:

he had actually spent money that I had given him for our deposit on a flat and had instead borrowed it from his mum

he told me that he had taken out a huge loan (instead of asking me for the money which he knew I have and would happily give) but said he had now paid it back including the huge amount of interest. Because of this he said I would be getting no anniversary, birthday or christmas presents this year as they all are in December.

And honestly, unless you went to the bank with him, you have NO IDEA if this loan even existed.

Nor should you ever make your funds so readily available to someone who seems to have an allergy to being honest.

 

If you're determined to stay with this guy, you need to get him into some sort of therapy or counseling, because so far, there's no real consequences for his lies and prevarications. Instead, he's rewarded for telling the truth by having access to you, your funds, and from the sounds of it, his mom's funds. So instead of being honest being a basic expectation - it's exceptional and he's rewarded accordingly.

 

You're enabling his lying by having no boundaries or consequences attached to them. And a decent therapist would have THAT straight in no time flat.

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You want to overcome the hurdle of him being a pathological liar, if I get the gist of your posts right?

 

The only way to do that is to show him there are consequences for lying to you. Otherwise he has no incentive to change. The only thing you can control here is your responses to his lies. Or you can choose to laugh them off and ignore them, and he'll keep doing it. If you choose the second road, I strongly recommend you don't tie your financial well-being to his - don't give him access to bank accounts, credit cards, etc.

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Your story is like deja vu to me. It took me back many years.

I had stayed for a year in a relationship with a guy who could have been your guy's twin. He lied and lied and lied and I could never understand why. It was never for a reason that made sense. For example, once he told me that his stepdad had had a heart attack...with every detail up to how he and his mum took him to the hospital etc etc. All lies and nothing to gain from them.

Another time we were going on a picnic with friends. He was supposed to bring the sandwiches and forgot. Instead of saying sorry, I forgot, like any normal person would, he made up a whole story..again for no reason at all.

He had even lied to a friend of his about how our relationship started, I only found out when his friend mentioned it (I think that was the first time I realized he was a pathological liar). Also, he had lied about his ex gf (I won't go into details but it was for something stupid that wouldn't affect me in any way!)

I can't tell you how many times I talked to him about it. I tried EVERYTHING. Calm conversation, logic, threats to leave him, you name it, I tried it. Personally, I hate liars and being in a relationship with one went against everything I believed in.

I wish I could tell you that somehow he changed. But he didn't. Even though he was madly in love with me (I think that was the only truth that had come out of his lips), even though I had left him a couple of times for that reason, he still wouldn't change..he just became better at hiding the truth. Eventually, I got sick of it. His last lie was about a job interview he supposedly had had. When I found out he had lied yet again, I left him for good. It was very difficult as I was also in love with him and had invested in the relationship but just the thought of hearing one more lie (however small), made me feel sick.

If you don't care about yourself but you want to have a family and kids some day, just think of what example this guy is going to be for your kids and leave.

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I understand what you are saying, but the reason I felt the need to say I don't want to break up with him is because I feel like it is too easily the go-to answer.

 

It is, and since you don't want to hear that, here are some questions you might ask yourself:

 

- If he's lying about, essentially, the lion's share of the details you know about his life, then what exactly do you have, besides an existing time investment in the relationship?

 

- Is an existing time-investment in a relationship with someone you know very little about, who is displaying flaws that would be absolutely fatal for most people, a sufficient reason to continue that relationship?

 

- What are you getting out of this relationship, besides the comfort of interactions with someone, many of which would appear to be fabricated?

 

- Is a continued relationship with a compulsive liar a positive thing for you? Because make no mistake, he won't change, you will not change him. Your choices are to accept his pathology or find someone else. It's a bit like asking "My bf is gay, I don't want to break up with him, what can I do?"

 

The only way to do that is to show him there are consequences for lying to you. Otherwise he has no incentive to change.

 

Sure, but if that happens, he will only be honest insofar as it can be enforced. Ask someone who's lived with an opiate addict how easy that is.

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i dont believe pathological liars ever change. theyve learnt over the years that lies work for them, get them what they want and they are good at it. if you see it from their perspective, why change? you need to give him motivation to change and even then i dont know if that would work. maybe leave him for a while. if youre worth that much to him he should come begging for you back. if he doesnt well then you havent lost much.

 

you want to stay with him so do but accept that he will likely keep lieing about things and you will never know whats true and what isnt. that will be your life with him.

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... if I had known I wouldn't have had to spend a fortune last minute.

 

I guess I just don't understand why he can't be honest with me. I do pressure him into telling me the truth and every time he swears that is it then something else comes up. I'm not hysterical when he does tell me things, I stay calm as I know there is nothing I can do about it, but for a man that I've been with for 3 years and that I live with, and for someone who talks about proposing I can't be wrong for expecting the truth out of him surely?

 

No, you are not wrong in expecting the truth out of your partner. Understandably, it is tiring for you being jerked around with non-truths and half-truths, because you can't count on things being as you expect or believe them to be. Like you said about the money, " if I had known I wouldn't have had to spend a fortune last minute". Your money represents energy you've expended earning it and planning with it, and then it goes in unexpected ways that could have been prevented.

 

It sounds like you plan to move ahead with him, accepting this flaw of his, and trying to work with it or around it or in spite of it. I don't know if it is fixable for him, or if you should 100% trust him. You probably will try, because you want to believe him, and you love him for other reasons. It's basically a character flaw. It might not seem so bad in that you can justify it's not like he's violent or hitting you or abusing drugs, or gambling. But in a way he IS gambling with your love, and he's disrespecting you and himself by lying.

 

I expect what will happen is you will move ahead bit by bit, you thinking you are moving ahead together as a couple, but he will move ahead on his own with you along side him. He'll make choices and then lie to avoid conflict or confrontation or questions, eventually it will come to light, you'll get frustrated, you two will talk, hug, and make up, and continue on happily until it repeats again. Who knows, it MAY get better. You could call that Plan A. But you should also have a Plan B.

 

Plan B requires you to figure out your limit with lying. How much are you willing to take? How many times? OR how many years or months? Give yourself a limit. And have a plan for what you would do to remove yourself. Have a savings account to cover your needs for this, one that he cannot access. Have a support system.

 

Understand if you go with either plan there is stress on you. You need to take care of yourself. And have faith in yourself. Don't make the mistake of distrusting yourself in order to give him your trust. When you commit to someone unreliable you have to be extra careful that you remain reliable to yourself.

 

I should add, there is also Plan C. Which is to listen to many here and leave him now before draining yourself even further. When you are IN a relationship it is hard to have a full perspective of it. People here aren't attached as you are and can see the red flags and hazards that you may be blind to.

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