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My personal thoughts randomly put out there


TattyK

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I thought it might be nice to write some things down, there are a lot of things I worry about but never really discuss aloud.

I guess the major thing on my mind is the fact that my husband might be going out of town for work. The chance of that happening is pretty good, actually. He changed careers and in this profession he needs to start at the "bottom" and that means taking a job thats far away for now. We bought a new vehicle for his travelling, so I guess I knew deep down this was going to happen, but I had high hopes that he would be getting a job in town in his buddies company. Apparently the best way to do that is to get his first job asap, and those are all out of town.

He would be working 2 weeks at a time, home for 4 or 5 days at a time. It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but we spend a lot of time together. ALOT. He is my best friend and we do pretty much everything together and we schedule our days together, work around each other. It makes me sad that I will have to figure out how to spend two weeks at a time without him, but I don't really want him to see that as I want to be as supportive as I can for him. I don't want him to feel bad about doing this, he needs to for him and us as a family. Its part of the "plan". I think sleeping alone is going to be the biggest adjustment, a few people have suggested letting the dog sleep with me, to mimic the feeling of a warm body in the bed next to me. I don't know how I feel about that....

For now I'm going to try to not think about it, and enjoy the time we do have right now. I can always worry about this next week...

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I'm getting pretty done with this Canadian weather we've been having. -28C to -35C with the windchill making it even colder, I am just getting so tired of having to layer up and "tolerate" being outdoors. I do my hair, and once I get home its all wavy and curly and just ruined. I have no choice, I have to be outside for at least an hour and a half a day, for my dog. He even has a little coat and booties so he can go out too. Its not like there is a day where he doesn't want to go out because its too cold, the little bugger just doesn't seem to care. I spent almost 2 hours outside today and I still don't fully have feeling in my legs and cheeks, and I've been inside for a half hour now. I try to keep him entertained with toys and fetch but in the end he just plops down infront of me and barks at me until I submit and take him to the dog park. Now he is happily dozing beside me like he hasn't a care in the world, his life is complete because he got to go outside and chase a ball for an hour. I wish things were that simple for people, and we had a deliciously warm fur coat to shield us from these ty elements.

I miss the other seasons, any of them I don't care just ones that don't have snow and icy roads in it.

My husbands gone for the whole day taking another safety course, the last one he needs before he can take that job. He asked me in passing about how I would feel about moving to Lloydminster for a couple of years, we take the animals with us and rent our townhouse until we come back. I told him I would think about it, but it sounds pretty horrible. Granted I know nothing about the city or how far it is from my town, I can't just shut it down especially if he needs to do it for work. He himself only gets to see his family once every few years because they are on the other side of Canada, it would be sort of selfish of me to protest because I want to stay close to "home base". I'm going to just keep hoping he finds that cushy job close to home so he gets to come home everyday and we don't have to move. Or at the very least, a job that lets him come home every two weeks. I'll deal with it if it comes down to it, hopefully it doesn't.

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Thank god I have the next two days off, I was gritting my teeth through the whole day today. I really hate my job, but I have been holding on until the end of the year because my boss and supervisor are really wonderful people and I wanted to see them through the Christmas season. My husband used to work right accross the street from me, so that was my reason for working there, for carpooling. Now that we have two cars and he isn't going to be working there anymore, I really have the freedom to get the heck out of there and into a job that I can stand. I really can't take customer service, people drive me CRAZY. They either treat me like I'm stupid, or they treat me like I'm their bartender or therapist, dumping personal junk onto me that I would never, EVER, talk about with a stranger. I don't know why they feel its alright to talk to me about it?? I literally roll my eyes secretly at least a good 20 times a day. I can't take it anymore. Come Jan 1st, I am going to have to have that difficult talk with the boss to let her know I am leaving, I know its going to be all full of drama and uncomfortable but it NEEDS to be done.

I'm also hoping this guy on Kijiji will sell me his weight-bench set. A nice Everlast weight bench with the weights to go with it for like, 80.00. I think its a pretty decent deal, I can turn the spare room into a weight room for now. I walk everyday and do beginners yoga but I really want to step it up with some weight training, at home, for cheap. So we shall see what happens.....

Oh a side note, I stumbled upon that "human barbie doll" person and her equally strange friends on yahoo news yesterday and I have been oddly fascinated by them. I have no idea why, I think its the crazy eyes. SSooo crazy.

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So Christmas is over, painlessly and effortlessly. Just what I enjoy out of a holiday...I got some nice stuff, I am really enjoying these knives my father/stepmother got me they are super wonderful in the kitchen. Very nice quality, will be very helpful longterm. Just New Years to go, and the holidays will be over. I am sort of anxious about it though, because the beginning of January is when I tell them I am going to be leaving. I am hoping they don't get too angry, and are willing to be references. I just hope it goes smoothly....it needs to be done though, I keep telling myself that, change is NECESSARY no matter how difficult it might seem. I'll just do it fast like a bandaid, hopefully it doesn't sting too much. I just need to focus on the bright and rosy future I could have if I do this, because as it stands I will not have that if I stay.

My dog learned a new game all on his own, he keeps getting more intelligent as the days go on so that is extremely pleasing. It's a point of pride for me to have that well-liked dog at the park, the one that people remember when they see him again. The comments on his coat, calling him handsome, smart, fast, etc. I can imagine this is how parents feel about their children, it's a good feeling.

We bought a gym for our spare room the other day, so far it is half-put together all the pullies are pretty intimidating I am hoping we will have it done for Wednesday. I would like to start lifting, I am pretty weak. We were carrying it inside and I kept slipping on my end and my husband would give me grief and I'd say "This is why we are getting the gym, so I can lift stuff like this!!" Can't really argue with that!

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I applied for schooling a few days ago, I am really excited that I have a plan now, a way to move forward. It makes me feel like 2014 is going to be a heck of a lot better then 2013 was. I just need to be accepted.....I have my fingers AND toes crossed. I am not exactly sure how long it takes to hear about whether I am or not, I have never applied for secondary schooling before. I told my mother (only) and she seems to think it shouldn't take as long as I think its going to take (1-2 months) I hope she's right. At least for now, when I go to work, I don't feel like a cat stuck in a shopping bag. I can tolerate it because I have an end date. FINALLY. I even have a plan on what I can do to get out of there and make more $ until school starts. I'm going to take a forklifting course, and then get a job working a forklift. Anytime I ever look in the paper or online at jobs, there is ALWAYS one posted for a forklift operator. I will double my current salary, not have to deal with people, it will be a nice break.

In the meantime, I am going to schedule an appointment to have this ganglion in my hand removed because although not really noticeable it can be quite painful. The sooner I get it out, the sooner I can practise my typing skills. As it stands now, I'm typing at maybe 78 WPM, but I know I can break 100 if I get it out, I was hovering around 98WPM before it showed up. I need to practise my typing skills and vocabulary if I am going to ace this course. Both of those things are going to determine how well I do.......I looked up what the competitiveness is like for this course, and its pretty much a first come first serve basis. I don't have to "compete" with anyone to get in there. I take that to mean that a lot of people either don't know about this course, or, its one of those things where only a few people are able to do this course. In order to pass it, you need to be able to type at least 250 WPM with 95% accuracy, on this machine they have for typing. It will take a few months to adjust to it, but I am not scared. I believe I can do it. In school, I got 94% in intermediate computer programming and I charged the boys in the class 20.00 a pop to do their typing tests for them because they couldn't get to 60WPM. I was the only girl in that class....lol pathetic but hey I made a good amount of money and I blew them out of the water. I had to dial it down a bit so their score was believable, even.

 

I can do this.

 

The hubby and I still haven't figured out this new gym set, we followed the directions but the pullies are not connected correctly for some reason. I am about ready to just say f-it and wing the set up and see if I can make it work.

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So I heard back yesterday from the school and I got in, I'm going to start in September, I'm pretty happy. I thought it would take a month at least to hear back, when I called them they said they were swamped with applications from back in December and to be patient, and then BAM, approval notice. Now I just have to enrol in March's forklift operating course (2 days) and I can get the H-E-L-L out of my current job. I am so tired of dealing with these toothless inbred sheep f*ckers I just want away from it, at least this forklift operating thing will pay well until I start school, I can put some money away for it, and I don't have to deal with people non-stop all day long. Tomorrow I am going to look into what I need to do for school financing, see what I can do about a student loan, yep, its all coming together.

Today at the dog park my dog was a bit of a jerk, he took off after an un-fixed female and was so infatuated with her that he completely ignored my commands, I ended up having to practice obedience tactics for the rest of the visit which nearly doubled the time there, and its always exhausting. VERY disappointing.

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I convinced my husband to watch Sons of Anarchy with me, I've seen the whole thing but we are starting from the beginning so he can catch up. So far we are on season 2, and he's loving it (I knew he would!) Anyway theres a part on the show where the head biker woman gets raped and then later on in that season she sits down and tells her son and husband about it. It was all emotional and sad, and my husband took it pretty hard, he brought up what I told him like YEARS ago.

When we first started dating, he had a friend from the Middle east. Really nice guy, but I was extremely uncomfortable left alone around people from that area at that time in my life, because I had been raped by one when I was 16. He forced me down and anally raped me, and then told me not to tell anybody. Anyway, I told him this and explained that was the reason why I didn't want to be left alone with his friend was because of that situation, and it has nothing to do with the friend its not like I thought he would ever do something like that, it just gave me a great deal of anxiety and I didn't want his friend picking up on that. As long as I was with someone when he was over, I was fine, no probs. He seemed to understand and agreed to not leave me alone with this person if it would help my anxiety.

Over time, it went away, I am completely comfortable around anybody and everybody now I no longer have that anxiety. I pretty much forgot about the incident, because I was one of those lucky people who disassociated at the time of the attack and really only remember it like I would remember watching a T.V show. Aware of the facts, but it feels like I wasn't there.

So basically, its in the past, and he never talked about it, until this scene on the show. THEN he wants to talk about it, like, after 8 years of being together and almost 19 years since it happened. I told him basically what I said here, I disassociated and thats why I am not "torn up" about it like the woman on the show. He seemed really disturbed about it, kept holding me tight, petting my hair, etc. I told him to not be silly and don't worry about it and cut it off at that.

 

Now I'm sort of worried that deep down he is upset about this even though it happened a long time ago and I really don't care to bring it up, especially because of some T.V show. It doesn't "haunt" me, I don't think about it, I function perfectly normally and I am a mentally healthy person, I don't see why it needs to be talked about, especially because the details he would want I don't remember. I think he is over reacting because he saw something on T.V that gave him a visual idea of what happened to me, before it was just words.

Oh well....we'll see how he feels today.

I think I'm going to make some apple crisp today, the apples are starting to bruise a bit, something needs to be done with them.

I hope my dog isn't a jerk at the park today, if he decides to act the way he did yesterday it will be back to discipline and training for awhile until he smartens up. I know this will all be easier once he gets fixed, I refuse to do it before the 1 year mark though. 4 more months to go!

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I finally broke down and bought a live mouse today. My snake hasn't eaten in just over 5 months now, he was doing really well for quite awhile he ate every week and a half and he was eating BIG prey, like the biggest I can feed him at his current size. Then all of a sudden he stopped....I asked a friend of my hubby's at work since he has a few of them, and he told me that it was sort of unheard of for a snake to eat that much that consistently at his age. He thinks that he is "fasting" and that so long as he looks healthy not to worry, But 5 months? I can't help but worry. He has been shedding around once a month, even though he hasn't eaten. I figured I'd put an extra heat source in his tank to try and amp up his metabolism and then try to feed him. He has been snubbing the frozen rats, even with the punctured brain, I dunno what else to do. I feel guilty, I had gerbils and hamsters and mice as pets when I was a child, the idea of feeding a live mouse makes my eyes water a bit, but he needs to eat. I tried to put it in the feeding bin but he just ignored it, so I set the mouse up in his enclosure and I am just hoping he eats it over night. Once he does, I'll clean out the tank. *sigh* I just wish he would eat.

I got a bit of snubbing at work today, the boss's sister wanted me to cover her shift this week and just take a day next week, but I was really counting on having that day off. I've covered quite a few shifts and moved things around over the past 8 months I feel like I have paid off my debt for taking that week off over the summer, so I said no. She wasn't happy....but I really can't stand the thought of working 8 days straight again especially when I am just trying to hold it together being there. Oh well. I just gotta suck it up and take the silent treatment, not gonna change my mind. I was going to use that day for groceries, chores, and figuring out what I need to do to get the ball rolling on a student loan. All those things are important to me.

Looks like I am going to have the evening to myself today, I think I'll finish putting together that gym since the hubby hasn't done it yet. Time for me to put on my "man pants" and get 'er done. Aww yeah.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Its been awhile! We had a wonderful "warm snap" that lasted a few weeks so I have been spending a lot of time outside with the dog, I also got a final fantasy game for cheap awhile ago so that has been taking up a lot of free time as well. Its been awhile since I've been into a video game, not since that last grand theft auto. *sigh* it feels like that was so long ago....

I've started a detox, I'm on day 3, things are going pretty well I have lost almost 6 pounds so far. I'm craving a few things, like chocolate, but that also could be because its also "that time of the month". But I'm getting pretty good at preparing the meals, the other day I made a lamb soup that was really tasty and a breakfast that was fantastic. Maybe its because my initial feeling like crap stage is gone and my taste buds are all a-twitter, but the food is tasting great. Right now I am eating this salad that has pomegranate and fennel and avocado, green onions, cherry tomatoes, tuna, lettuce, a squidge of lemon and some olive oil and I feel like its the best salad I have ever had. I made a fried egg with cooked kale, chard, onion and celery on it and it was DELICIOUS! I can't even believe how great things are tasting right now, aside from the no chocolate, I completely dig this detox diet that I have to stick to. 20% acid, 80% alkaline, no sugar no dairy (except butter) no processed foods no fermented foods no wheat and no tropical fruits. its actually not hard to come up with great recipes, I think I am even getting better at the menu planning then my dads wife, and they do this detox every 3 months. The only problem for me is that because its been almost a year since I last did it, I had a lot to purge, I felt pretty bad the first two days. A lot of time in the bathroom.....taking the lords name in vain....wanting to just crawl into bed and die.

But today, I feel fantastic!

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Well I am on day 6 of the detox.....quite a different feeling from day 3. Right now I feel so exhausted, I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I have zero energy to go out and do anything. Having to cook constantly is starting to become a pain in my @ss. I feel like thats all I have been doing, go to work, come home, cook, eat, cook some more, sleep, repeat. I am also starting to experience the cravings that tend to happen after the majority of the detoxing. The craving of foods you can't have tend to make the food you can have far more unappealing. So far I have stuck to my guns though, as much as I wish I could just order a pizza I will not. 6 more days to go. It probably doesn't help that the hubby is not detoxing and I watch him eat delicious things, things I cannot have, things that smell wonderful. Damn him.

I am on the hunt for something that tastes sweet, although I cannot have sugar. I was thinking of buying some really nice strawberries and cherries and boiling them down and then pouring them into moulds and making sort of like a popsicle out of them. Or boiling down some apples into concentrated sauce and trying to make little cakes and substitute the sugar for the apple sauce. Then finding a recipe that I can make said cakes from that involve no milk or flour.

 

-_- Its so cold outside, my dog doesn't even want to go out. Well, he does, but once he gets out there he wants in. That makes for a fun game of back and forth when I have no energy.

uuguhhhhh.

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