Jump to content

Misfit Love

Recommended Posts

Hey, all! I'm new to the forums here and I wanted to post about an issue I'm having.

 

I have a friend with benefits at my college (actually, he lives near my college, but doesn't go there). We met up as a one-night stand but we talked a lot and hit it off. Since then he'll pick me up 1-2 times a week, we hang out in his car, chat, he'll buy me food, we'll watch TV and joke about football, and usually hook up. One time he didn't even want to hook up and was just looking to hang out with me. We text a few times a week when he isn't busy and we talk a bit on the phone now that I'm back home for winter break. Last night we talked on the phone for two whole hours.

 

I always told myself not to get attached, but what do you know...I fell for him. I don't know why or how, but I did. We started to cuddle after sex and we even spent the night once...I woke up to him spooning me and holding me tight. I turned over and we looked into each other's eyes for a bit and he kissed my forehead. I thought he actually was starting to get feelings for me.

 

So last week, once I got home from school, I called him on the phone and we talked for a while about life. Then I told him that I really liked him, and I don't know how he feels, but I do honestly like him a lot. He said he thinks I'm a great friend, I'm funny, great to hang out with, attractive, etc. But he's not ready for or looking for a relationship right now. Last night he confessed that he still has feelings for his ex, but would never take her back because she cheated on him and he's too prideful to give in to her again. All he says he wants right now is a friend to chill with, go out with, and have sex with...and I'm that friend. And now that I'm at home for a month and he's there, he'll probably be hooking up randomly with other girls on the weekends. I noticed that whenever I'm at school though he doesn't even really think of other girls or hooks up with them, and expresses interest in taking me to his parties and drinking with me.

 

 

In fact, when he was drunk, he texted me saying that he wished I were there with him, that I'm beautiful, that he would date me, that he "kind of really likes" me... And last night he told me he doesn't remember saying any of that. And I'm the only person he's told about still having feelings for his ex.

 

I'm so confused...I like him and he knows it, but he's still not over his ex. I still want him in my life and think about him a lot. He sends me mixed signals! He'll take me out to dinner, talk my ear off on the phone, cuddle with me and never pressures me to have sex with him, listens to me when I vent, sends me 4-page long texts, says my name a lot in our casual conversations and tells me about his personal life...but says he isn't ready for a relationship now. What gives? I have a whole month before I'm back at school and see him again. What should I do? Give him space? Just stick to calling him once a week? Get him a small Christmas present? I'm lost.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey!

 

I'm pretty much going through the same thing. He went home for Christmas, which is not where my home is. He gave me the same shpeal as your said person gave to you. I think this guy is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He knows your feelings for him but it's up to you to pump the brakes to keep yourself from getting hurt. If this isn't what you want and this is all it will ever be to him then start keeping your distance.

 

Once you take a step back and not let him have the luxury of sleeping with you and doing things that couples do when IN a relationship, he might just realize that is what he actually wants. But he won't realize it if he keeps getting what he wants with no commitment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Right now he's getting all the perks of a relationship that you offer without having to take it seriously or respond to any of your needs/wants (a relationship). So long as you're selling relationship quality time/events for a hook up price, he's game.

Since you want him in your life despite that you'll be selling yourself short of what you actually want, you will end up hurt when you feel unvalued in the ways you want to be valued. Proceed with caution.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ugh. i think it really depends on what you want to do. but since he is "not ready for a relationship" - you need to take him at his word. don't wait for him to "become ready" either. i agree, he's getting all of the perks of a relationship, without any of the commitment or work. if you want a boyfriend, look elsewhere. i wouldn't keep up with this in hopes he changes his mind. might be good to distance yourself from him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If he wanted to be with you he'd be over his ex OR he'd decline the "benefits" and tell you that he saw potential and was concerned that the "benefits" would ruin a potentially good thing down the road-so that he would get in touch with you when he was over his ex (which is exactly what my friend's husband did). If you want a relationship with him, tell him to get in touch when he's ready but to please leave you alone until then so you can meet someone who wants what you do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He isn't sending mixed signals. He has told you 2x that he doesn't want a relationship and that at least emotionally, he isn't over his ex. He likes the friends with benefits...and your friendship is growing...but it is not a romantic relationship. It is a friendship with sex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand what you are going through. But make a choice: either go into it like a warrior, knowing that your heart may get hurt, but resolving to take the risk, because after all, unlikely as it is, you are allowed to experiment with this kind of stuff, especially in college! Getting hurt is not the end of the world. People act as if it is, but I feel that it can also be educational. However, that said, I agree with all of the above comments. People generally say what they mean. When someone says they do not want a relationship, it means precisely just that. However, like I said, you are entitled to take a leap of romantic faith, for goddsakes. That's life. That's living.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is not a leap of romantic faith...it is running face first into an emotional brick wall.

He DOES NOT want a relationship and if you choose to not believe him one of two things will happen. You WILL get hurt. Or, he will end the FWB because you are pretending it is a relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand what you are going through. But make a choice: either go into it like a warrior, knowing that your heart may get hurt, but resolving to take the risk, because after all, unlikely as it is, you are allowed to experiment with this kind of stuff, especially in college! Getting hurt is not the end of the world. People act as if it is, but I feel that it can also be educational. However, that said, I agree with all of the above comments. People generally say what they mean. When someone says they do not want a relationship, it means precisely just that. However, like I said, you are entitled to take a leap of romantic faith, for goddsakes. That's life. That's living.

 

I don't think this is about taking a leap of romantic faith -it's chasing after a man who only wants sex -nothing wrong with that but the OP already knows he doesn't want that. So, nothing "educational" because she already knows all the facts. It's one thing to take the risk of getting hurt in a potential relationship -that can be educational, and worth the risk and it's another to risk your physical and emotional health in a situation with almost no possibility of it working out. She might not just get hurt -she might get pregnant or get an STD. Not worth it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...