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Trying to date an ex...Help!


pan457

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I wasn't sure where to post this, but I dated a guy for about 3 months...things never really got super serious between us because I ended up moving away. We never had sex, he wanted to but respected me enough not to push. He was genuinely my friend and was a gentleman with me. I could literally talk to him about everything. We had a lot of arguments because of my inexperience and he was pretty understanding. Things kind of fell apart after I moved. Now, about 3 months later, I contacted him again. I really really like him and I want to give it another shot. I would be willing to move back for him. Now the thing is how to get him back to that point where he was interested in me again. Right now I don't really think he is. I texted him hi, he replied (which surprised me) we went back and forth about just trivial things. I texted him three days later, he didn't respond. Two days later, I texted him a picture of me (I look ALOT better now...wanted him to see it) but did so in a way that wasn't completely obvious. I know it sounds crazy lol, but I thought I had nothing to lose, and if he saw how awesome I looked he might be more interested. he responded positively and asked me what I was up to. I couldn't respond until three hours later, and when I did he didn't reply back. I haven't contacted him since then, and I don't plan on it.

 

Ok I guess what I wanted to know is if there is any chance of him being interested in me enough again to try to date/seem me as a prospect. I'll be moving back to where he lives in one month. Things didn't end so awesome with us, and we haven't addressed any of it, and I haven't brought any of it up. It doesn't seem like his interest level is really high at this point, which I understand. We haven't talked in months and I live so far away. He would never not respond to a text though, even after I moved we continued to talk and he was very attentive. I want to start as his friend and work from there. Any tips/advice? or should I just give up. I really wanted to give this a chance I have dated lots of guys where I live now, and no one comes even close to comparing. Any advice is appreciated!

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Honestly, from what I'm reading, it doesn't really sound like he'd be that open to getting back together. I would advise against pursuing a relationship with him, and I hope that there are other reasons for your moving back than just his presence there. I've spent too much time pining for someone in a different geographical location to feel this is a good idea.

 

Even if he is interested, be careful. You may be at a different place from where you were, as may he, but you need to carefully assess all of the reasons your relationship didn't work out. Was it just the move? The lack of sex? Or were there deeper, more fundamental differences between the two of you? Getting back together is touchy even when both people want it. You'll have to address what happened between you―it's not possible to start over as though nothing had happened.

 

If you still decide to go for it, I would recommend waiting to text or call him again until you're back in town. You would have to rekindle the flame, a flame that according to your account was never that serious to begin with, and that's an endeavor that can't be done with the level of physical distance between you at the moment, and it definitely can't be done via text. Get settled back in his town and ask to grab some coffee and catch up, and see whether the spark is there when you're with him in person. But be prepared. You don't know what his feelings are about your breakup, especially not having seen him in three months. He could be open, but he could also still harbor resentment. He could also be seeing someone else at this point. If you hang out with him and don't feel he's on the same page, or if he doesn't respond to your text to hang out, move on.

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Ok. This sounds like pretty solid advise. I wont contact him anymore until I move back. Yes there are other reasons why I want to move back not just for him. I have tried to contact him before and he just completely ignored it. I guess now im wondering why in the world he would be willing to reply now. Since we are so far away it's not like he's getting something from me. When we are texting back and forth he is fully participating asking me questions etc. but then now twice he ended the convo by not replying. I think there might be some interest there, but I agree that it's definitely not enough to be excited about.

 

How should I go about addressing the past? Our parting was pretty awful. I initiated it us having no contact, but wanted to talk about it. He was just over it and didn't want anything to do with me. I don't think he was hurt, he just was like ok, I'm moving on. I wanted things to be friendly before I brought anything up...especially since he never responded until now.

 

I'll keep a cool head and I'm well aware this might be a dead end. You're right he can be seeing someone, he most likely is. But I'd be filled with so much regret if I didn't at least try.

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Our parting was pretty awful. I initiated it us having no contact, but wanted to talk about it. He was just over it and didn't want anything to do with me. I don't think he was hurt, he just was like ok, I'm moving on.

 

I'm a little confused. When you say "no contact," does that mean that you guys just made a clean break and didn't talk after you split up, or did you end things passively by not getting in touch with him? Did he give you calls or send you texts that you didn't return?

 

Sometimes that way of ending things is fairly mutual, but when it's not, I'll be totally honest, I'm not a fan. It's really frustrating to deal with that. Do you think his ending your text exchanges by not getting back to you may be a reflection of that?

 

In any event, dealing with the past is never easy in a case like this. Assuming that he wants to get together with you as platonic friends, I would wait until after you've caught up a little bit, and then find someplace in the conversation to mention that you've been wanting to talk about what happened between the two of you. There may not be an easy way to segue into it. The one time that I ever did manage to rekindle a relationship with an ex, she told me later that there had been this almost instant change in my tone and demeanor, of the exact same type that she had adopted after rejecting me the first time out. You just kind of have to commit to doing that―if you're looking for the perfect moment to do it, you'll probably never find it.

 

Be prepared to take responsibility for what happened, especially since you initiated the breakup. I think also that a big key is making the case that what happened before won't happen again. Keep in mind that it's very hard to know that with certainty. Again, drawing on my own experience here, I told my own ex that I was at a much different place in my life at that point, and I really did mean that. I owned up to my own role in the demise of our relationship, and I showed her―not just during my initial meeting with her, but throughout our second relationship―that things actually were different this time around. Don't just say that things will be different. Offer him concrete reasons for him to believe things will be different―things that you've actually done in the interim to work on the problems you had.

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If you argued a lot and things ended badly I don't see why

or how he'd still be interested.

Why did you move away and back so quickly? You say you dated several guys (in 3 months?) who didn't compare...what was so great about him?

I would definitely not contact him until you're back there and settled and I certainly hope you're moving back for other reasons. Once you're back there and have a job, place to live, etc...reach out and see if he'd like to get together to catch up. If he says no, respect that and move on.

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