Jump to content

I probably sound pathetic but...


Recommended Posts

I don't know why I am having such a hard time getting over this last relationship. We were together for only like a year and half, but did things quickly and moved in together. Once we moved, it was like the gloves came off and he was completely different person. We would fight constantly, I would go to bed thinking its 10:30 and we havent fought this is a good day. He always had a way of making everything out to be my fault & then would say that I never listen to him and if I only listened, I wouldn't hurt him.

 

An example of one of these fights was we were watching the news and the incident in North Korea came one and he asked how I felt about it and I said I wasn't sure, give me a little time and when I didn't dive into research and come up with an opinion, he got completely angry with me, telling me that he did want to be with someone who didn't care what was going on in the world, what was wrong with me and why didn't I know & went on about how he pays attention to everything thats going on. (He doesn't pay attention to his finances, but I guess that doesn't matter right??!)

 

Anyways - we got in another fight - on one of our day trips, over a song & he accused me of not caring about him bc I didn't listen to the song close enough and ask him questions - when all he said was"listen to this song" (please tell me if I am wrong or horrible, I just dont think I'm that bad) & I said to him "no offense, but this song isn't doing anything for me. He then got silent and wouldn't talk to me - then turned the car around and said why can't you just do what I ask and listen if I say listen. Why would I have to say "Please listen, this is important to me" (I would have thought that was the best way to approach the situation) and in return, he refused to come my friend's wedding with me the next day, which we RSVP'd to a month earlier. I had to go ALONE. I was miserable.

 

I packed a suitcase and left for a week. Upon coming back to try and talk - he said I knew you would realize you were wrong and apologize. I was trying to make things work, we lived together and I loved him but I couldn't believe that he didnt even apologize for allowing me to goto the wedding alone! (ps this is the 2nd wedding he bailed on) That friday was my birthday - we got in another fight the night before bc I didn't check with him and see if it was ok if MY parents came down to visit - i should have checked with him bc what if he had something planned ... it was my parents - I couldn't take it, I was so angry and upset. We got in a fight that night and he said to me "get on board or get out" he always threatened me with either get on his line or get out. I cried my whole birthday but realized I couldn't do this anymore - I sent him an email saying basically - that I loved him, but I couldn't make him happy & this would keep happening and I was going to come and get my stuff the next day. HARSH - yes, cowardly, yea pretty much, but I couldn't face him yelling at me again and making me feel like I made a mistake.

 

I moved all my stuff out & then like a week later, we started emailing, he was saying how he loved me and how hurt he was and how sad he was that I left, never said I'm sorry just said how horrible I was for leaving, that I abandoned him. He said all he tried to do was love me and all I did was fight him. Anyways - its been about 2 months and we've spent some time together and have been trying to work on things, but then we'd be hanging out and he'll say "this is stupid, I'm not playing house, it's a wrap, we're never going to work" Then he'll be back, saying hi and start talking to me and we'll talk and hang out - I was over there one night and then saw him texting and was able to see his phone and he was texting another girl and when I said something, he was like did you expect me to not talk to anyone, you left. One night, since I moved out, we were in bed & he was like "i know you're talking to someone else (I am not at all) you got your back up plan all set" I don't I think this is just an indication he is. A few weeks have gone by and this together sometimes/not together at all. When I had to break the news that I was planning on buying a condo. Once I told him this, he flipped & from what I gather from his reaction - he thought I was going to move back?!

 

Just about 2 weeks ago - he told me he wanted nothing more to do with me ... why does it hurt me so much and why do I care, when clearly, bc in typing this up, I realize why would I stay... but it breaks my heart - I think I am caught on the sweet loving man who hooked me in the beginning and then changed as time went by!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have to realize you were with a very controlling man who used passive-aggressive techniques to try to bend you to his idea of "perfect." He doesn't really want a partner so much as he wants someone to match a fantasy he has in his head. The sweet loving man you knew in the beginning was him on his best behavior plus him knowing that if he acted that way in the beginning you would have run like mad the other way.

 

Waiting for his tantrums out of nowhere must've been exhausting, the truth is you stayed far longer than most would. Although it's hard to see right now, in part because you're just now going NC in time, likely very soon, it will dawn on you just how much of yourself was being smothered by this man's impossible demands. And just how silly it all was. Just reading your posts I get a very clear sense that he thinks a relationship should be like a movie where his perfect partner should just automatically "know" and "divine" what he's thinking and wants. But since most of us aren't psychic mindreaders, (heck even the ones who are psychic will tell you it doesn't work like that) the fact is he's going to be unhappy no matter who he's with. He will likely drift from relationship to relationship in search that perfect "soulmate" then wonder why he always ends up alone, because what he wants is so unreal and so emotionally unhealthy.

 

In real life people have to communicate using their mouths and words and in a healthy partnership there's a genuine exchange of ideas including similarities and differences allowed between the two. That's not what you had, what you had wasn't healthy because there's no way you were ever going to live up to his fantasy. And you shouldn't have to, not in a normal good relationship. In time I think you'll look back and realize you saw red flags before you moved in together even, but chose to ignore them. I would urge you to learn from this, to go full NC on him and move on. Realize the guy you thought you knew at the beginning is just him in the honeymoon phase since it pretty much does sound exactly like what you said--once you moved in the gloves came off and he really was a different person. He was himself. That's who you have now, do you want that?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paris - I know you are right and I feel like I know I saw the red flags & did choose to ignore them, because I did know what it was like to be with him when he was great. I really appreciate you for your comments and I know you are right that I probably did stay too long. It's really helpful for me to put it out there, bc my friends will always be "on my side" but sometimes its nice to hear someone on the outside say "you don't want to deal with that." I'm sure I made my share of legitimate mistakes in the relationship. I know it is not what I want for the rest of my life... I just feel like he tried so hard to make me feel horrible and that I was this terrible person who "ran out and abandoned him". It helps me to tlak about it, bc just writing it all down - I'm like wow.... why would I let someone treat me that way, never mind the names and other horrible things he would say to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow, like, i could NEVER be with someone who didn't have a precise opinion on north korea. no wonder he dumped you!!!

 

just kidding. this guy is a nut. from what you've described here, you're better off without him. a year and a half is really a long time, so don't feel bad for not being over it fast enough. big hugs. do you have friends and family who are supportive of you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really appreciate you for your comments and I know you are right that I probably did stay too long. It's really helpful for me to put it out there, bc my friends will always be "on my side" but sometimes its nice to hear someone on the outside say "you don't want to deal with that."

 

You're welcome and I'm glad I was able to help, however briefly. I think you'll be fine once you've gone through a bit of NC and can look at it from the same views outside people have. You'll be fine since you're already at that questioning stage where it's dawning on you things were not really your issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...