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I think I screwed it up. Can I still save this? Is there hope for the future?


kingofdash

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This girl I've been chatting with/hanging out with since Late October is super cute. She's sassy, funny, goal oriented, mature, and just great all around. She's 27 and I'm 22, but age never really seemed to bother her. Here's the problem: She has a boyfriend. This dude she' been dating since Summer 2012 is a complete loser. He's almost 30 and has no ambition in life. He cooks at a restaurant and has no drive to do anything else. Everyone in her life dislikes this guy and think she deserves a lot better.

 

The only reason I got involved in the first place was because I was told she had broken up with her boyfriend and that I should go for it. We've been talking for almost two months. Our chatting has been very playful and flirty. She texts me when she wakes up, before she goes to bed, whenever she thinks of something funny we talked about. Heck, we talk constantly. I told her how I felt the other day and was expecting to be told some good things, but instead she basically told me that although she really enjoys spending time with me and talking with me, she is loyal to her boyfriend even though she is unsure of how things are going with him and even if they do break up, she's not going to want a relationship for a while, so that us being a couple right now just isn't realistic.

 

Needless to say I feel like garbage. But, life goes on and I can't force someone to feel something. But I feel like there is a chance for us in the future. I am thinking I will move on with my life, but keep her in the backburner as an acquaintance. Maybe someday if the card are right we can try for a relationship.

 

But, part of me feels like she was just trying to be nice. Do you think she really feels something or she just didn't want to hurt my feelings? If so, why would she lead me on like that? What was there to gain?

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Clear as day... She is/was using you as a distraction because she is unhappy in her current relationship. Your fault for playing along after you found out they have not broken up.

 

2nd... not clear... does she really like you? Probably she does but not enough to drop her current bf. Its really not a loyalty thing because she was flirting with you behind his back.

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Some girls just like attention. And they don't mind emotionally cheating on their boyfriends to do it. Or getting other guys' hopes up when they have no intention of following through. Sassy, funny, super-cute girls tend to be like this more than others. Sorry but that's just the way it is.

 

Luckily, you did nothing to "screw it up" because there was nothing there to begin with other than her need for attention. So there's nothing to "save," nor any "hope for the future." She was bored and you provided some relief. That's all.

 

I recommend you tell her that you'd love to see her when she's dumped her boyfriend, but that you'd rather cut off contact until that happens. Then do it. Stop talking to her altogether and pursue someone else who isn't attached.

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I think she thought it was nice to have someone pay attention to her for a change, but she never intended to leave the guy. Lesson to learn here is the minute you hear they are still with the BF or even that they are still connected heavily to the ex your only response should be a, "Too bad, look me up when you really are available and if you're interested." Then keep going on your merry way dating and if she shows up down the line you have the freedom to either say "Cool, let's give this another shot" or "Uh sorry, I wasn't going to wait around. I'm with someone else, but better luck with your next guy."

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I appreciate all the responses. The only thing is that she told me that she does see something there in the future. I told her she could just tell me if she wasn't in to me but she said if she did that wouldnt be being honest. So I'm not sure if she was just using me. Keep in mind she has dated this guy for a year so it's way easier to just say, "Oh she didnt leave him for you." I don't think it's as simple as that.

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You were simply a little entertainment on the side for her, and nothing more, nothing less. Having said that, if she dumps her boyfriend, or should I say when he dumps her, (hopefully) I would think twice about dating her, unless of course you don't mind being with a woman who cheats on her boyfriend.

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The only thing is that she told me that she does see something there in the future.

 

Then tell her to look you up... in the future.

 

It's way easier to just say, "Oh she didnt leave him for you." I don't think it's as simple as that.

 

Dude, it is totally as simple as that. Until she breaks up with him and is going out with you, it's all just words. Treat it as such.

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I appreciate all the responses. The only thing is that she told me that she does see something there in the future. I told her she could just tell me if she wasn't in to me but she said if she did that wouldnt be being honest. So I'm not sure if she was just using me. Keep in mind she has dated this guy for a year so it's way easier to just say, "Oh she didnt leave him for you." I don't think it's as simple as that.

 

This didn't make you puke in your mouth a little when she said that?! Classic douche-ry.

 

She has a boyfriend. But she likes the attention from you. So she isn't going to outright SAY "I feel nothing, you are just a toy". Why? Because then you would stop trying and giving her attention. You'd be so repulsed you would want nothing to do with her.

 

See it as it is, and you won't want anything to do with her. Not now and not in the future. What does she offer? A whole lot of bull and fluff.

 

By the way, you do recognize she is cheating on her boyfriend with you, right? So her whole line about wanting to stay true to him is utter bull. She just wants to keep you where she wants you. Right there where you give her what she wants, but not expect anything much from her.

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I told her how I felt the other day and was expecting to be told some good things, but instead she basically told me that although she really enjoys spending time with me and talking with me, she is loyal to her boyfriend even though she is unsure of how things are going with him and even if they do break up, she's not going to want a relationship for a while, so that us being a couple right now just isn't realistic.

 

Honestly - this is all you need to know right now.

 

Should she change her mind when she's SINGLE, she knows where to find you. Unless that happens - put your effort into someone that isn't rewarding it by using your support to stay in a relationship they're not happy with but not ready to leave.

 

Best of luck to you.

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So she's a future faker: link removed

 

It still doesn't mean she's going to do anything, but continue the fantasy while remaining with her boyfriend. Sorry, but you've fallen into a trap as old as time. We're all just more used to it being a single gal with a married man, but in your case yes it applies. If she really wanted you over him she'd have left him in the dust the moment a decent guy like you showed up. No, sorry. She likes the attention, she likes the idea of you, she may even sincerely believe that at some point in the future she could have a good relationship. But she isn't willing to do the one thing needed for that--to leave the guy she's already with.

 

And yes, that makes her a cheater, so be aware even if she does leave him for you some day you may well be that oh so terrible guy she's with while some other guy out there is convinced he's going to save her from you.

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Here's the problem: She has a boyfriend. This dude she' been dating since Summer 2012 is a complete loser. He's almost 30 and has no ambition in life. He cooks at a restaurant and has no drive to do anything else.

 

It amazes me how selfish some people can be. She is selfish for stringing you along. You are selfish for pursuing a girl who has a bf.

 

You have an integrity issue. Pursuing a girl who has a bf is, to me, the very definition of a "loser."

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