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what was she doing? i may be just overreacting (graphic, my apologies)


jcaves80

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So, i have trust issues when it comes to my current girlfriend, as a matter of fact she is the first girl I've been with that actually ever made me think that she could be or would probably cheat on me (check previous post of mine to get the scoop). Now i know a lot of you are thinking, "wow dude why even be with her, its dumb you stay with her" and I'm aware, but i love her and i have no proof that she is actually cheating on me and she always denies it , so i just believe her and move on. Right now she is unemployed and when I'm at work and her son is at school, she pretty much has nothing but time on her hands so i was always curious as to how she spent her days considering she goes hours without texting me most days. Yesterday i was sick as a dog and had to stay home from work and it just so happened i was at her house for the night, well in the middle of the day i heard her answer her phone and say "hey, let me finish this (crocheting) and ill be right there" , she comes in the room and says "hey ill be back , i have to take my grandma to the store, i shouldn't be gone long at all". Like i said i was super sick so i didn't really think anything of it. I fell asleep , then i woke up and noticed that she wasn't back yet, she left around 10:14 and it was now 1pm. She walked in the door at 1:13, came in the room and was like "wow that was an adventure" and told me the places she had to go with her grandma. Again still thought nothing of it except that she was obviously gone for 3 hours BUT, then out of nowhere she starts rubbing my and started giving me head and we eventually had sex. Now though i thoroughly enjoyed this , I thought it was very weird and out of the blue, and i asked her i said why are you doing this? and i then asked her was she actually with her grandma because i feel like I'm getting someone's sloppy seconds right, (I'm aware of how stupid and harsh of a thing that was to say) and of course she got severely angry (rightfully so). She then went on to say , "If i was cheating on you do you think i would come home right after that and have sex with you?" my response was "I have no idea but I've read that when people do cheat they typically do out of the ordinary nice things for the significant other to throw them off so they don't get suspicious".

 

Truth is everyone i know what i said was severely out of line and i apologized to no end and we got through it , but I'm still somewhat concerned. Tell me your thoughts and try to be nice please

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Edmund , while i agree with you , can i ask your thoughts on whether you thought her behavior was weird or not?

 

You have trust issues, then stop making them your girlfriend's problem to deal with and deal with them yourself.

 

If you lack the ability to trust someone then you have no business being in a relationship with them.

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Edmund , while i agree with you , can i ask your thoughts on whether you thought her behavior was weird or not?

 

You want people to feed into your insecurity. I hope no one bites. Focus on yourself. Believe her or not. But don't psychoanalyze and nitpick. There is no benefit to this.

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I wasn't there to see or judge her behavior as a whole. But seeing that you have your mind fixed on the fact that you think she cheats, I feel it safe to assume your thoughts are biased.

 

Do you both a favor and end this relationship before it scars you both for life. I know plenty of women who were messed up by insecure guys like you when they did nothing to deserve it. After that spend some time learning what love and trust is about before you get into a relationship with another person you choose not to trust.

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*May* be overreacting?

 

Seriously. Three hours, and you're pretty much counting the minutes coming up with scenarios of cheating.

 

From your previous posts, you were, as you admit, "too curious" and asked too many questions about her past to feel comfortable trusting her.

 

She, from the sounds of it, was honest and forthright about the answers she gave, even when some weren't exactly painting her with glitter. As a result, every time she gets a call, text, email, or is out of sight, you're worried she will be repeating her past adventurous behavior.

 

And I'm not sure that there's anything she can do to change that. You're not ready to take it on faith to change it. And it's going to catch you in a neverending circle of accusations, tears, her trying to prove to you she isn't cheating, and you seeing another "sign."

 

If you really love her, acknowledge you have some things you still need to work through, and let her go gracefully. And continue therapy and do some serious work on your insecurities before getting into another relationship, so you won't continue this painful cycle.

 

It's not fair to either of you to stay in this. She's constantly apologizing for something she didn't do. You're constantly hurting from imagined incidents that aren't even happening. It's just not a healthy situation.

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Judging from your previous post, the problem here is that this woman's past makes you uncomfortable, but instead of listening to that and saying "nope, I'll pass", you decided to have a relationship with her.

 

Like Ms. Darcy said, either decide to let it go and trust her or walk.

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Judging from your previous post, the problem here is that this woman's past makes you uncomfortable, but instead of listening to that and saying "nope, I'll pass", you decided to have a relationship with her.

 

Like Ms. Darcy said, either decide to let it go and trust her or walk.

 

What I always cringe at is "so I have trust issues" as if saying it out loud makes it OK. In fact I am changing my signature to "If you don't trust someone you have no business being with them."

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you are beyond right , you all are frankly, and this is why i grobbled for forgiveness from her and didn't address it further with her and instead posted on here to get knocked back down to reality, thank you for your answers like normal i have alot to think about

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Do you both a favor and end this relationship before it scars you both for life. I know plenty of women who were messed up by insecure guys like you when they did nothing to deserve it. After that spend some time learning what love and trust is about before you get into a relationship with another person you choose not to trust.

 

^^ This right here ^^^

 

Listen to this man because he is telling you the gospel truth. I had an ex like you once and this is exactly why he is an ex. I can lay it out for you step by step what will happen if you do not start getting a grip on yourself.

 

You:

  • will become increasing insecure.
  • become more jealous
  • become more suspicious
  • become more controlling and manipulative
  • become more abusive
  • eventually alienate her to the point you drive her away

 

She:

  • will start pulling away from you emotionally
  • start becoming defensive
  • become more reluctant to tell you her plans or even make any because she can not "win" no matter how innocent they are
  • will withdraw even farther from you
  • become more and more insulted by your baseless accusations
  • eventually leave you for someone that doesn't treat her like a criminal

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A lot of this was extremely uneasy for me to read but you are all right , she's been nothing but honest with me from the get go even if those things weren't what I wanted to hear and I have to get a grip in myself I'm lucky she's still here and hasn't started pulling away from yet , time to get a grip and make the best of it

 

 

 

^^ This right here ^^^

 

Listen to this man because he is telling you the gospel truth. I had an ex like you once and this is exactly why he is an ex. I can lay it out for you step by step what will happen if you do not start getting a grip on yourself.

 

You:

  • will become increasing insecure.
  • become more jealous
  • become more suspicious
  • become more controlling and manipulative
  • become more abusive
  • eventually alienate her to the point you drive her away

 

She:

  • will start pulling away from you emotionally
  • start becoming defensive
  • become more reluctant to tell you her plans or even make any because she can not "win" no matter how innocent they are
  • will withdraw even farther from you
  • become more and more insulted by your baseless accusations
  • eventually leave you for someone that doesn't treat her like a criminal

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^^ This right here ^^^

 

Listen to this man because he is telling you the gospel truth. I had an ex like you once and this is exactly why he is an ex. I can lay it out for you step by step what will happen if you do not start getting a grip on yourself.

 

You:

  • will become increasing insecure.
  • become more jealous
  • become more suspicious
  • become more controlling and manipulative
  • become more abusive
  • eventually alienate her to the point you drive her away

 

She:

  • will start pulling away from you emotionally
  • start becoming defensive
  • become more reluctant to tell you her plans or even make any because she can not "win" no matter how innocent they are
  • will withdraw even farther from you
  • become more and more insulted by your baseless accusations
  • eventually leave you for someone that doesn't treat her like a criminal

 

Same here. I just broke up with my boyfriend who was just like you. Today. I had never cheated on him but his ex girlfriend did, and everything I did that was (or wasn't) close to what his ex would do, he automatically pinned me as being "just like her." It's not good. Regardless of someone's past, if the person in front of you right now seems legitimate and true, that is what you must go by. Everyone is capable of change. If you keep treating her like a cheater, she may even become one because of it. Change your outlook, check your facts, or move on and save you both the stress and strain. Good luck.

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Well im pleased to say that we talked this weekend and i explained that im seeking help and we had an amazing weekend together and she is supporting me every step of the way and i told her that im never going to say what i said to her again and if i have any concern for anything i will simply not accuse anymore

 

Same here. I just broke up with my boyfriend who was just like you. Today. I had never cheated on him but his ex girlfriend did, and everything I did that was (or wasn't) close to what his ex would do, he automatically pinned me as being "just like her." It's not good. Regardless of someone's past, if the person in front of you right now seems legitimate and true, that is what you must go by. Everyone is capable of change. If you keep treating her like a cheater, she may even become one because of it. Change your outlook, check your facts, or move on and save you both the stress and strain. Good luck.
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Oh boy. This behavior sounds eerily familiar to my own about eight months ago. The bad news? If you continue down this path, you will most certainly lose her. The good news? YOU CAN CHANGE IT.

 

Being my first real relationship, at 23 years old (I am now 25), I made some mistakes and asked him questions about his past (girlfriends, hookups, what his "number" was, pried too deep into a very short fling he had prior to meeting me with a girl I deemed as disgusting, you get the drift). He was honest and answered all of my questions, unbeknownst to him that it would bite him in the ass. At first, I brushed it off, I have a past too, all that -- but then, once I really fell for him, I circled back in my mind over and over again - "wait...who is this female on your facebook list? did you hook up? please delete her to make me feel better" or constant "are you talking to anyone else? who is that girl in your class you text with about papers? how do I compare to the past? were you looking at her? who are you texting? who was that phone call from?" AND ON AND ON. For about nine months, my insecurity slowly derailed our otherwise happy, passionate relationship.

 

He eventually got sick of defending himself over things I'd accuse or question him over. He honestly gave me no real indication of any wrongdoing. None. I even wrote out a LIST and printed it of reasons I was being outrageous. It ate at me. Day and night, I had a cramped feeling in my stomach, as if "gotta prepare to find something." Even when he was studying for his finals for his last semester, and he needed a night or two alone (mind you, we spent every evening together), I'd think "he must be hanging out with some other girl." ...ridiculous.

 

He began to pull away. He began to resent me. He felt like he was on eggshells 99% of the time. I noticed this, and something clicked. I sought therapy - I came on this site to get help. At first, I really struggled. It was very hard to take ownership of my behavior and recognize *I* was the reason the relationship was rocky.

 

I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and I loved him. So I began to coach myself and my modes of thinking. You have to occupy yourself. Much of the time I acted crazy, I was out of a job and had surplus time to reel about "what ifs' in my mind. You have to learn to trust. You have to nip that compulsion in the bud. It is ok to have those thoughts, but you need to divert your thinking, or find reasoning, before speaking on them. You need to breathe, deeply. Stop festering in your mind. Exercise, get a hobby. This girl is with you because she elected to be with you - remind yourself of your great qualities.

 

It can feel like a prison sometimes but only when YOU are ready and committed to being a positive, happy, well-thinking person you will be. In the past three or four months, my relationship has sailed to new heights. All because I worked hard to overcome my negative mind. Yes, there are crappy people out there, but not everyone is, and you have to put faith in your GF that she is solid. You can do it - if I did it, you can too. I have never been more happy now and my BF talks of spending our lives together when there was a point he was sure he'd leave.

 

Be positive. Don't submit your insecurity or past on someone else, for they will drift away and before you know it you're left with your negative mind and nothing else.

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