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I keep falling for borderline traited lesbians -what's wrong with me?? -


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Hi everyone.

 

I'd like to share with you my story. I came out of the closet as a lesbian when I was seventeen. I had a crush on my best (female) friend. We shared a platonic relationship, I think she was bisexual but we have lost contact throughout the years with me going to university etc.

 

In 2008, aged 19, I fell heavily for a lesbian girl who had a relationship. We became fb friends but since she was in a relationship, I didn't make a move. She broke up with her gf in autumn and started a turbulent relationship with a guy. This guy had a girlfriend but had sex with her aswell. He then started to feel guilty and dumped her. She was left heartbroken and nowhere to go but straight into my arms. We had a little thing and as soon as I started giving her more attention, she started to pull away. I saw her arms were full of scars and later on I realized she was a fullblown borderline. We had NC for about 6 weeks, not on purpose but I had to study etc. After those 6 weeks I found out i was blocked on fb. Apparently she got back together with her ex, which removed me from the equation bc she felt good around me. She threw me out of her life, abruptly.

Only to text me 'sorry' after 8 months of no contact.

 

After about a year I met a woman through fb. She added me but I didn't know her. She was in relationship at first but after about a month she wasn't anymore. We started texting. We met. We kissed. She came to my house. Promising me the world. I felt so happy. Then after a few weeks the contact diminished, she started to pull back. She strung me along for months, only for me to find out she had been seeing someone else. She had a relationship with a borderline. After a month they had a fight and her partner tried to commit suicide. She broke up and fled again - back into my arms. And i allowed it. After one month or so history repeated itself. I found out she was diagnosed borderline as well (she even told me so at one point).

 

Then I got this great relationship in february from this year. Everything was SO perfect. I noticed her arms having some scars strangely parallel to eachother, so i guess that was one giant red flag bur i chose to ignore it (why..??) everything went great for about six months or so. She was really into me, wanted to be with me 24/7. I tried to slow things down. After 6 months she started to acted distant, wanting to spend more time with her friends etc. On the 7th mobth, she told me she had doubts about our relationship. I got emotional at first bur got my act together. Talked to her, alot. Got her to confess her scars were actually old cutting scars. Allowed her to string me along for three months (again, why do i let her??) saying thibgs like 'i can't promise this ll work out' and 'i dont wanna give u any false hope' but also saying 'i dont know if i want to breakup.' And saying 'i wanna try' but then not acting upon that at all. No bother from her side. She even enrolled herself on a dating site while we were together. We broke up a month ago when I had a rough time, had to put two pets asleep. Suddenly she could only be there for me 'as a friend'. I refused to settle for that. So went NC. Only texted to arrange stuff.

But I am still devastated. Thinking she might be borderline too.

 

I'm a mess, having this emotional baggage of relationships with three (!) borderlines. I want to know why I keep doing this. Why am I hurting myself by always finding this borderline disordered people to commit to?? Any thoughts would be welcome..

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You're lonely. You want a happy, fulfilling relationship like anyone else but you settle even when you see major red flags. Why is that? Don't you value your own worth? Or is it that you're scared you can't do any better than what's currently on offer?

 

Do you have a criteria in a partner? If I was dating someone and they didn't match up in some key areas I wouldn't continue with the relationship. It's not nitpicking. At the end of the day we're not always compatible with the people we date.

 

You can't fix these women. They are broken. And especially with BPD they need extensive therapy and some even require medication to help regulate their symptoms. Do you possibly have a rescuer complex? It's a kind thing to want to help the ones we love but even therapists find it hard dealing with people who have BPD (sometimes) and they're trained professionals.

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People with BPD come accross hot and heavy in the beginning. They know all the buttons to push to get you hooked. This is important to them because they fear abandonment so much. If you look back, you'll likely see that all three of your exes used tactics to create a quick sense of emotional intimacy with you - maybe they confided too much, too soon, or maybe they showered you with compliments and idealized you. I'd guess this quick intimacy is something you also hunger for, and this is why you fell for it each time. You might want to take a look at that, and why that is, if this is true for you.

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Thank you for your response. I am a medicine student in fact, i'll be graduating within a month. Could really be I have a rescuer complex.. Indeed I have very low self-esteem, even smashed to the ground BECAUSE of these relationships.. I have very little feelings of self-worth left... I think I saw myself as part of the couple and now I'm struggling hard to find myself as an individual again... When I'm ina relationship, I tend to settle and give my all for them, in my last relationship I ended up spending nearly every weekend withher friends. Bc she was unhappy if she couldn't. I just wanted to see her happy. Now I don't, I'm and angry and completely lost without her.

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Thanks. Indeed the last two exes were all over me in the beginning. I was their everything. Last ex wanted to be with me 24/7. She practically moved in with me after one month. she did love me so much. only to feel complete indifference over me after 6 months. I tried to slow things down in the beginning but then she questioned my commitment. So to not hurt her, I committed way top fast and way too hard. Never been happier than those first months with her. Everything felt so right. Never been hurt more in my entire life as well. It hurts SO bad.

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You sound like a nice person with a lot of love to give. I too would be taken in by the hot and heavy start to the relationship. Maybe you just like intensity and the openness and being needed. It could also be bad luck and coincidence. However, that many times probably is more of a pattern. Now you are aware of it, and hopefully can be on the lookout for the next one.

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You sound like a nice person with a lot of love to give. I too would be taken in by the hot and heavy start to the relationship. Maybe you just like intensity and the openness and being needed. It could also be bad luck and coincidence. However, that many times probably is more of a pattern. Now you are aware of it, and hopefully can be on the lookout for the next one.

 

Thanks. I get that alot, that I'm a sweet person and the last ex even told me i was the best thing that happene to her, saying i was smart, cute, funny, sweet and everything. Didn't fall for it though, seemed like a cliche breakup talk.

But a lot of friends say it too. That maybe I'm too 'good' for people. That I have very few boundaries and let people push them even further.

 

Indeed i believe its a pattern. Question is can i do something about it.. And what? I'm still hurting real bad from last breakup one month ago. Cannot believe someone stating I'm the best thing that ever happened to her would dump me so cold-heartedly. Trust in people = completely gone.

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I can empathize with you, I've had it happen twice. Not with BPD, to my knowledge. The first time It was with my high school boyfriend, just used to have me on this pedestal I was his world and then just went cold. It hurt like hell and literally took me years to fully get over. He was my first love. It wasn't so much getting over the guy, it was to get over the rejection part. I thought something was wrong with me and must not be worth loving. Trust me when I say, it's not to do with you! This person has issues, that is the reason. You deserve better. I dont know much about BPD at all, but it sounds like this is just symptomatic of that and nothing more. My exes who did that both had issues. The high school one was depressed and I think just completely shut down. He had good reason to be. The other one I'm pretty sure had bipolar and probably other issue. Maybe he did have BPD .

Every other relationship I've had has not gone that way. I did find that I could trust but I still have major trust issues because it's so hard not too. I'm struggling right now with it in my relationship with my first real girlfriend. It's terrible. I don't know if I'm having issues because I have issues wit trust, or if I am intuiting something real.

So I can really empathize and my heart goes out to you. I never received outside help , but looking back I should have.

Broken hearts are the worst thing.

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Thanks for your reply. Broken hearts truly are the worst thing, and having your heart crushed by a borderline individual is devastating. The highs, the lows, the passion that subsides into cold indifference. I've had one relationship with a non-bpd, and it was nothing like that. We split amicably. But with the bpd's, it just isn't possible. They have torn me apart as an individual. I was such a spontaneous girl when it came to relationships. A little naïve maybe. And now all there's left is a girl with giant trust and selfesteem issues. As you say, I feel unworthy of love just bc she didn't want to be with me anymore. It's like I have no value at all. She didn't want to put any effort whatsoever in fixing our problems. She chose to end things instead and not right away but when I was very, very low and she did it by text! That's what making me feel this way, unworthy of her or anyones love. I'm so angry at her for doing this to me. But I guess I let her. I hate her now. She can go to hell. All this crap with wishing your ex the best, I can't. She blew it.

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I wanted to add that with this last person, borderline was not diagnosed. However, she did have a traumatic past and spent almost a year in a psychiatric clinic for anxiety issues. She admit having cut herself. I think these are bpd traits... It makes it a little easier for me to accept what happened, but doesn't make up for it.

 

What do you guys think?

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I wanted to add that with this last person, borderline was not diagnosed. However, she did have a traumatic past and spent almost a year in a psychiatric clinic for anxiety issues. She admit having cut herself. I think these are bpd traits... It makes it a little easier for me to accept what happened, but doesn't make up for it.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think it's not your fault. I also think it's good you are angry at her. I would be angry. Just make sure you find ways to get that anger out. Vent away, this is a safe place.

That's terrible she went from one place to another so fast and broke up over text when you were at an extreme low. It will be hard for you to trust again and it may be an issue for a long time.

Once you have healed and are ready for something new, hopefully you will be able to open up again. I often wonder what happens to people who close off so completely. Do they ever realize it and have a rude awakening? Do they ever feel regret? I hope knowing the person has mental health issues that cause problem in intimate relationships is enough to help realize you are not to blame in any way.

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Thank you, you are kind.

 

In fact even with knowing she has at one time in life cut herself, has a traumatic past and at least one her past relationships ended with kind of the same problems (her ex cheated on her BUT I do believe it is bc she spent SO much time with her friends and her friends are her no1 priority. Her ex went berserk, locked her in the house and later she cheated. I can empathize with her now.) but even knowing all this, doesn't keep me from feeling like a complete loser who wasn't worth her time. That is how she made and still makes me feel. I am in therapy and my psychologist stated that I probably fell for this 'intensity' in the beginning of the relationship, that i loved her bc she put me on a pedestal once..

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Thank you, you are kind.

 

In fact even with knowing she has at one time in life cut herself, has a traumatic past and at least one her past relationships ended with kind of the same problems (her ex cheated on her BUT I do believe it is bc she spent SO much time with her friends and her friends are her no1 priority. Her ex went berserk, locked her in the house and later she cheated. I can empathize with her now.) but even knowing all this, doesn't keep me from feeling like a complete loser who wasn't worth her time. That is how she made and still makes me feel. I am in therapy and my psychologist stated that I probably fell for this 'intensity' in the beginning of the relationship, that i loved her bc she put me on a pedestal once..

 

And that I could see, could create a vicious cycle of your self esteem suffering and making you more vulnerable to another borderline personality showering you with love, admiration and putting you up on a pedestal. Perhaps that is the pattern. Now you feel the way you do, and it would be harder to enter a relationship with a healthy person as it might not feel secure enough, or intense enough at the start. Therapy is a good thing. I hope that can help you on your path to healing. I think anyone would feel that way. And I guarantee you are not a loser and you are worth someone's time and you deserve that!

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And that I could see, could create a vicious cycle of your self esteem suffering and making you more vulnerable to another borderline personality showering you with love, admiration and putting you up on a pedestal. Perhaps that is the pattern. Now you feel the way you do, and it would be harder to enter a relationship with a healthy person as it might not feel secure enough, or intense enough at the start. Therapy is a good thing. I hope that can help you on your path to healing. I think anyone would feel that way. And I guarantee you are not a loser and you are worth someone's time and you deserve that!

 

Thanks. I see now that my selfesteem is practically below 0. When I go out to gay parties of all 150 attendants I might just be among the most intelligent 10% (I'm getting my master's degree in medicine within two weeks from now) but I definitely have the WORST selfesteem someone could ever experience. I feel like a loser all the time (being reinforced by the ex dumping my *ss and being very cold at me), I feel ugly which I am not probably I am just like anybody else, and most of all I feel like I'm not worthy of love. I blame the ex for this, although people on this forum made me realize I probably have myself to blame. I am now 6 weeks post-BU, recently got into a texting argument with my ex, after that apologized to my ex and poured my heart out once again, saying I really hope we will someday get back together.. She didn't reply, I feel TERRIBLE And I find myself waiting for her response. I just don't know I can tackle this selfesteem issue BEFORE I get involved with a borderline AGAIN

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  • 10 months later...

My sweet lord, our experiences are similar, girl. I hope you still read this, in fact when I read your post I had to make an account just to reply. Hopefully this is useful to someone. Well I am 22 and a lesbian, came out this year after having come out when I was 17 as bisexual. I don't know what it is, but I too seem to attract borderlines. Like at least 3 now and it seems like whether it is the disorder itself or incidentally the girls that have it, I am pretty much only attracted to that small subset of girls. You might be an emotional caretaker like myself, meaning you have an abundance of empathy, so when a borderline encounters you, they will really want your empathy. When you talk to people about this they probably don't get it, think it's f*cked up and tell you to just avoid those people. But for you and me, being very empathic, seeing the scars doesn't deter us, we overlook them. We overlook all the signs to see the person that is inside, separate from the disorder. That's good for a therapist, but very bad for a partner, because you can get abused. I think to feel needed and like we belong you and I overlook a lot of things and expand our patience, even when it hurts us. Being with a borderline is intense, they need you and you want to feel needed, so right off the bat it won't be like any other relationship in that sense. You are like two sides of an equation both fulfilling some opposite need and requiring the same result. They are often very artistic, very intelligent people and it's likely that you are very smart and emotionally deep as well from reading your post. We also know the following two groups have an increased incidence of psychological disorders: very smart creative people and LGBTQIA people, and both groups are rare. That could be your answer right there to why you attracted to these types. And you're gay, so these things combined probably set you apart from others, like you always feel kind of distant and weird and that most people don't get you. This is me. When you find a borderline, they are also deeply emotional and perceive the world in a way that is probably not like many people you meet and may in our cases compliment your world views, so you connect explosively. Since it's so rare, it is so hard to find that again, other relationships start to pale in comparison, seeming flat and unemotional, even though they may actually be healthier and have less drama in the long run. They don't have the excitement that you get from dating a borderline. It could also be parts of our personality that explain why we attract these people. Read up on life narratives in personality psychology and codependency, it could give you some insight. There is the idea of peak experiences, which are intensely positive moments in your life, which are pivotal in forming who you are and I think you probably had one or more of these with a borderline, likely as your first major sexual interaction with another girl. To illustrate, I'll describe a peak experience I had with a borderline girl.

 

It was in a late morning during a weekend in early 2011. I was in the dorm bedroom of a high school friend of mine. I was lying in her bed holding her and she kept waking up and drifting back to sleep to "finish her dream". Her roommate was asleep in the other bed because they had to share a room. I was awake for at least an hour and a half thinking about how pretty she was and stupid things, like how the night before she had said, "there is never anyone to hug when you are not around." She always looked like Snow White. I remember feeling so present, everything was so clear, like I had a reason to be in the world, this idyllic happiness, and extreme sadness that in a few minutes, this would end and I would have to go back to what was at the time a very repressed sexuality, feeling distant from my boyfriend. I wished she wouldn't wake up so I could just live there in this fantasy that we were actually together. I had liked girls forever, but never had a possibility of some sexual interaction until I met her. I liked her since grade 11 and we were both in first year university, but I had been dating a boy for 2 years, who she was vocally jealous of and frequently spoke ill of him. He was jealous of how much I liked her, but allowed me to do things with her, probably knowing that I would have broken up with him if he did not allow me to. This girl and I were both very smart, aloof, artistic, liked singing harmonies and had the same strange sense of humour. I have no doubt that she was profoundly gifted, a very rare thing, and we both had some narcissism, which might explain why we so immediately became intensely attached, to each other because we wanted to be close to someone similar to ourselves. Her way of introducing herself in high school was running up to me and playing with my hair, invading my personal space. Her first real flirting attempt was when we were with a friend, she put her hand on my thigh under the table as I was speaking and watched me. I couldn't keep a straight face (literally), We would sit on each others' laps and I remember kissing her hair when we were watching some Disney movie. She flirted with me a lot to the point where people would make comments, held my hand, I ignored my boyfriend at prom to dance with her. She asked me to pretend to be her girlfriend sometimes (around boys), always called me to air her problems and when I asked her if she would go out with me she said she would. There were many occasions like this when I slept over, we did more than slightly gay things, then fell asleep like that, but never really "did" it. I used to bus over 20 km to her house, where we watched lesbian porn, sometimes got naked and did some pretty gay things with M&M's. I would have done anything for her and for a long time, even after it ended, she was all I thought about. She was not out as bisexual, but people speculated. She was seeing a psychiatrist and frequently told me how "he approves of you", meaning he thought I was a good influence. She insulted our friends and concocted schemes to hurt and embarrass them. She got silently angry every time she was not the center of attention in a room or when people ridiculed her grandiose, dramatic demeanor. She told me how she wanted to hurt others. She told me how other people made her ashamed that her legs were covered in self-harm scars and made her feel emo, but when I saw them and had no reaction she was surprised. She told me a bunch more very secret stuff that made my heart break. I realize that we were both pretty messed up.

 

This memory was probably of the last time that I was physically close with her before I ended our friendship and one of the strongest memories I have of feeling connected to another person. Not long after that day I realized if she did like me she had no intention of pursuing that because she suddenly said it was a bad time for her to date me, yet started to talk about liking and wanting boys, bragged to various boys about our interactions, blackmailed my boyfriend's band and tried to set me up with one of her guy friends, suggesting we have a threesome with him. I was a pretty carefree person then, but I was furious. She knew memories like this one meant something to me, but I still wonder if she ever felt it knew how I couldn't breathe when she charged up to me and caressed my hair or got really close to my face to comment on the greenness of my eyes in class. I felt stupid, gullible, like an overzealous fan, a means to some end of hers. It was one of the meanest things you could do to intentionally lead on someone that was nothing but kind and trusting to fulfill your means. No doubt I had means of my own, feeling in my mind more like she was an answer to my problems than a person, but I loved her. My boyfriend was also mad at her, but I broke with him and then cut her out of my life with a phone call. My voice was shaking knowing that after this I would be dead to her. I was so afraid that no one would be there to care about her that much and that she might cut herself. It turns out that shortly after that day, after years being single she got into a long relationship with a boy. I dated various girls, left university for 2 years and became clinically depressed for most of that time (accruing thousands of dollars in credit card debt, stopped going outside for periods, did some f*cked-up self-destructive stuff and switched at least 6 jobs). I went back and forth repressing my sexuality, partially because I was probably looking for a girl to exactly replace her, but the only people that came close were also a lot of drama (2 other borderlines!). Every time I was single I would spend hours daily fantasizing about those nice days like that one with guilt, anger and longing. I even tried to reconcile things with her, sent her messages like a crazy person, but upon realizing it was just a fantasy and she was dating a boy right after I disappeared, I had to fill the void with another person. Distant from that person, I would wake up next to them, revert back to thinking about her and the nice days and, guilty again, I would give up on that person and eventually, myself. Over and over. This memory tortured me and I never could afford a psychologist to help me. I went to a mutual friend's birthday this past summer and was the only one not informed that she would be there. She seemed apologetic and said things like "you would be a good doctor because you're non-judgmental". I was civil and cold, but furious and depressed inside. Even now that I had closure, am back at uni, accepted that I am a lesbian, almost conquered depression, and try my hardest to not blame myself for what happened, I still cannot get over her. I'm frustrated that I have not felt like I did that day with anyone since then. I late found out she was borderline.

 

It feels good to be the one to keep someone's secrets. And if you are smart and gay, that is actually quite rare. We usually want to date someone like us, so the preferred dating pool for such a person is very small. I am a very emotional person, tend to see things in black and white, overly romanticize and idealize experiences and people, put them on pedestals and I am very, very lonely. I probably have some borderline traits and also can have too much empathy for some people. I'm narcissistic because I want to date someone exactly like me, but I still hate me and cannot be happy with myself unattached. The fact that those experiences were my first serious ones with another girl definitely shaped who I am attracted to, but you can unshape it. Find other smart people like yourself to make friends with. Don't see the world in such extremes. Find better ways to cope with loneliness. Question your need to replicate the intensity you feel with a borderline. Work on achieving your goals, filling your own life with worthwhile things first that give you meaning and make you feel useful, needed (volunteer work legit helps) so maybe you won't crave the attention of a borderline type of person. Try to look back at all the bad things about your relationships with those women, not romanticizing them. Lamesauce, but like in 500 Days of Summer when the little sis says "Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again." Don't be like me, guys.

 

Also good lesbian-themed movies that deal with themes of turbulent relationships, being lied to and manipulated I found relevant in thinking about all of this:

 

My Summer of Love

Affinity

Therese and Isabelle

Show Me Love

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Wow I am so happy I accidentally stumbled upon my own thread so I could read both of your replies. It brought tears to my eyes and a lot of memories to my mind.

 

Tmp, you sound just like me.. It is so strange. Actually, I am a doctor today (since january of this year), I nearly did not make it bc of my major heartbreak this time last year. I didnt eat, didnt sleep, lost 25 pounds and cried my soul out; but Thanks to antidepressants I made it and I am a doctor now. I took 6 months of sabattical time, to work on myself and get myself back again, and then started working. I am now working since August 1st as a doctor in a hospital and in training to be a Psychiatrist. It must be the helper-complex.

 

One year after the breakup, I had a rebound RS but it was nothing compared to the ex and it just feels like a big mistake. As to this day I am still hurting, and I think the world is unfair for giving her a happy RS again while she was the one who kind of cheated on me (she was on a dating site) and who caused me so much heartbreak. It is not fair she can go about and be happy and I am still stuck in this dark place.

 

I met a girl who I was attracted to about one month ago, we lived far apart but bc of major attraction we met up in a city in between. We had a great night and agreed nothing could come of this. But, guess what.. The day after she admitted to be seeing a therapist who diagnosed her with Borderline traits at least.. Here we go again.. Indeed, the last few weeks have been a rollercoaster: her missing me, her asking who I was going out with, being jealous, her flirting with me, me flirting with her, me getting distant bc I could feel it coming, her pulling me back in, and eventually pushing me away again ("I cant have a RS right now"). Yeah. So I cut her off a few weeks ago. I dont miss her and never saw this as more than a onenightstand, but I do miss to have a connection with someone and it bothers me that the only person I connected with in a whole year, is someone living 200kms away, and having Borderline traits. This is really not givin much hope as for my future.

 

I am going to pm you as I could just talk on and on about this but no-one would like to read that much of a pity-party.

 

Lucha

 

 

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Hello! I didn't get your message, but I'll just post this here.

 

Yeah, wow you do sound the same. I wanted to become a psychiatrist for a long time. Yup, thank goodness for antidepressants. I hear you about still hurting a year later and wanting to feel connected to someone. Kinda surprised I still do from time to time after all this time. Some people meet such girls (in these cases) with borderline traits and sense some alarm bell and back away. Various people really disliked the girl I mentioned and didn't get why I liked her so much. But for me, no such alarm bells stopped me and even though history should tell me to be done with her, it doesn't stop me from thinking about her. It always ends with sadness and loneliness when I remember her, that obsessing and nostalgia doesn't change the past or the fact that she still has a small hold on me. I don't know how to judge yet when someone is borderline when I first become interested in them and even if I can recognize these traits, how to make that wariness for my own well-being overpower the interest I have in them to allow me to think clearly. I know I shouldn't feel so compelled to jump into things with these people, because it's just bad for me. Also maybe the reason we keep thinking back to those peak experiences and repeating the same mistakes is because intimacy is a huge part of what motivates us. Part of who you are. There are different motives..achievement, power, intimacy and if you crave closeness a lot, you will crave it often and if you don't get it often, that's means long periods of loneliness and longing. So the quickest fix in a situation like that is to find intimacy in a memory or in a new person that reminds you of the old person, whether you are actively seeking borderline types or unconsciously.

 

And on wanting to feel connected.. I have realized it's not being 'desperate' as they say to find romance, it's not about finding sex. The closeness can be satisfied platonically sometimes as well as romantically. Maybe you really like complex people like yourself (they challenge us, they're interesting!) and don't have enough of them in your life, so you cling to these kind of negative influences because despite their negativity and instability they have that complexity. But you know that if you are a person that is complex and good/kind to others and I am and all the others on here, there are lots of us out there. Lots of good complex influences. I think acquiring the closeness and sense of belonging platonically with these people will help curb the drive to fall for/stay attached to borderlines. Just any old friendship might not do it, but you went to graduate school, so surely there must be some pretty neat people there. Maybe you still can find them? Right now I'm joining a philosophy society at my university, going to feminist events and such to try and find better friends that complement me and are complex in good ways. I also think you did the right thing in cutting out that person a month ago, because yeah you do live far apart and it seems like a lot of stress/drama.

 

Also congratulations on becoming a doctor! I'm sure it will be rewarding, especially knowing how empathetic you likely are and you have clearly done a lot to fill your life with ambition and hard work. You did the right thing being proactive about it and taking time off rather than getting in deep and breaking down. The trouble is likely how to help moderate the empathy so your quality of life does not fluctuate with/depend on your patients' well-being or how positively you are impacting them. I find it really hard to help people without taking on their problems and I have my doubts about the value of going into any old psychologist for something so specific. I don't know the answer yet, but knowledge is power. Educating yourself, looking at your personality like this certainly makes you aware so you can step back upon encountering people like this.

 

link removed

 

This site seems to have a lot of good discussion regarding this topic and the site administrators seem pretty supportive and involved. May be worth checking out.

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Thanks for your message! I was going to PM you later on maybe this weekend , I didnt get to it earlier bc I have very hard work schedules. You'll hear from me and I appreciate you're taking the time to reply!

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Self harm and traumatic pasts are often consistent with bpd. I too feel unworthy of love, but it fluctuates as the attention from such a person changes. There must be ways of helping stabilize your self esteem so it is not dependent on the validation of someone. You are most definitely worthy of love, I'm sure there are many people who would be interested in you, but maybe you don't see it or don't consider that valuable because you don't feel it back for them. We want what we cannot have.

 

I'm sure you don't knowingly always 'let' someone break their heart, it's not your fault these things happen because you want people to be good and your intentions were good. I tend to be too trusting until proven wrong. I think it's like when you knowingly see someone repeatedly who you know can just treat you like their best friend one day/enemy the next and keep putting yourself in those situations that it is kind of allowing it to happen. Also I tend towards depression, so it is like a really uncomfortable state each time a dramatic person disappears. I hate the sudden loneliness, so I scramble to find someone new. You gotta make efforts to start hanging out with different groups of people rather than perhaps the same type of person always who bores you, which creates a desire for some bit of drama in your life.

 

Sometimes very much related to depression is very high levels of perfectionism, and I think sometimes perfectionists like myself tend to have high expectations for others and myself, which is problematic for relationships. It pushes you away from others when they don't meet your internalized standards, but these people somehow exceed the standards in the initial stages before bad stuff starts to happen.

 

Man. To illustrate how my self esteem fluctuates with receiving validation, there's a girl in one of my classes who is bi and I have done some pretteh gay things with, she is kinda ashamed I think and is having an identity crisis. She is so desirable in every way, uncommonly smart, strong convictions etc. But so unstable. We would text a lot and then she disappears twice for 3 weeks, doing crazy stuff like cocaine and partying a lot.. kinda some borderline stuff. It's just so hard to follow so twice in the past 2 months now I've been like, OK moving on! Forget about her. But then she tells me she likes me and I'm back to square one because what I want seems possible again. We had our last class today and it was the first time she came to class in a month, all smiles and hugs. I wish it could work out just once with a girl like that without the drama. Why. Ppl with bpd do often level out in early adulthood, but you cannot wait around.

 

I tried to send my email in this message a few days ago but I guess they flagged it.

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